What would that look like?

It's been awhile since I've blogged about anything that has been rambling around in the vacuous space that is my head. But I've recently been hit with some thoughts and thought I would like to share them with you, my little minions of webdom.

I've been asking a question of myself and others lately: What would that look like? Here's some of the settings in which I ask this question. I have not been very happy with my spiritual life in the past few years. I 'like' the church we go to but I don't 'love' it. I often find myself only wanting to go to Sunday School, because I enjoy the interaction, and wanting to skip the service all together. The reason? Probably arrogance. There is some apathy thrown in with an undercoating of boredom. I'm just not excited by 'the same old thing' right now. So, I have asked myself and others around me that complain about church, 'what would a happy spiritual life look like for you?' In other words, if you could draw a picture of you being content with your spiritual life, what's that going to look like? Is there fellowship, music, guitars, food, etc.? I wonder if you'd be there even if it had what you say you wanted.

In politics I have been asking all the candidates and others the same question. I heard Jesse Jackson babbling on about race the other day and while I think racism is a problem (a major one) I wanted to ask Jesse, 'what does a 'raceless' country look like to you?' 'how do things look in your mind so that you would no longer have anything to spout on about?' Can you ever truly have a raceless world? For our Presidential candidates there are about a thousand different areas that you could ask this question. So, it's all Bush's fault ok, we get that .... what's your American look like? Will that make all Americans happy or just those that support you? What does Iraq look like if we leave? Are you sure? Can we afford your programs? Do you care? What does a 'happy' America look like?

Marriage. For those of us that complain about it ad nauseum I ask, 'what does a 'great' marriage look like? Now, before you answer that you have to ask, 'will you answer be the same as your spouses?' I doubt it. You may want more space, more free time. You may want a day without kids. Your spouse may want more time with you, less free time without you. Maybe you want more sex (yes, that is a husband's answer 100% of the time) but does she? Maybe she wants more say in the money.... is that good for you? Maybe she'd have sex if you go to church. Maybe you can't be please and neither can she. What's it really look like in the windows of your mind?

I think this is the problem: we don't have a clue what we want. We only know what we have and what we have, we find problems with and reasons to complain. We say 'if only' because it gives us an out for being miserable and bringing most of that stress and misery on ourselves. You can blame God if you want; you're certainly not original in that. Things are never good enough for those that simply don't want things to be good enough. For the life of me I think I only know about 5 content people on this planet. No, I'm not one of them. I'm head of the complain-about-everything department. It's a very rare thing to run across someone who is just pretty happy to be alive. I know an engineer that I work with on the railroad that's like this. I call him 'Johnny Train'. He is the happiest human being I've ever known. I love working with Johnny. He goes to church and loves Jesus, but he likes to drink, play golf, see his kids, partied like a madman in his younger years, laugh , and you simply cannot be around him and be sad. He's 53 going on about 18. He's got something that everyone else I know, especially those of us that profess faith, simply don't have. He is 'in the moment' and doesn't care to lament about the past or worry that much about the future. His kids are happy, his wife is happy (though stressed from his energy) and life just couldn't be better. If you asked Johnny what would a happy life look like for him he would say, 'are you on crack? Look around man, I'm happy right now... it looks like this'.

I think the question has to change for all of us. It shouldn't be 'what would that look like'. It needs to be changed to a statement: THIS is what I look like. THIS is what my life is. THIS is where I am. THIS is what I AM doing. Somewhere within the tiny walls of our own lives, we need to redecorate things. We need an 'extreme makeover' in mind only. It's not that things are that bad, it's that we THINK they are and we THINK they could be better. You know why the value of the dollar is low? No, not Bush... it's because of 'worry'. Nothing that is fact based, simply investors that are so worried about the future that they are hurting the present. Did you catch that? So worried about everything that is outside of RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! So you didn't make all-state. So your wife/husband isn't what you thought. So work is tedious and you should have been this or that. So the day-to-day isn't what you thought it would be. Do something about it. Better yet..... enjoy it for what it is.

You know what, racism isn't going away, but you don't have to be a racist. The Iraq war may not end soon, but you can love your neighbor anyway. Your spouse may let you down or not be exactly what you had imagined, but that doesn't mean it still can't be great. Perhaps some change on your end would help. I want things to be different. I want to have a better spiritual life, I want to golf more, I want to work out, I want to be better with my finances, I want to learn a Van Halen song on guitar note for note.... you know who I have to talk to? MYSELF! It's all right here. My life IS great. The opportunities in front of me are there for the taking but it's my own laziness and lack of confidence that prohibits me from enjoying them. This blog is for me people. I'm usually still in a deep-blue funk that I can't seem to shake. I am still living 1988, 1994 and 1998 like it matters. I'm still regretting things that no longer have a hold on me other than the fact I can't seem to loosen my grip of them. They aren't holding me, I'm holding on to them.

So what's your world look like? It's not really that bad is it? And if it is, more than likely you have more power to change that than you will ever know. BE HAPPY! I know I can't do it, but I want you all to do it for me. :-) More on this later..... this is all too depressing.

Here's your Bible passage: Matthew 6: 25-33 (The Message translation)
25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

The God of silence

Another holiday season has come and gone and I couldn't be happier. Without going into long, gory details that are both personal and private, the holiday season is usually not always the happiest of times for my extended and immediate family. Once again this holiday season was filled with tension, lost hope and a sense of helplessness in regards to members of the family that have lost their way and may never get it back.

I don't mean to sound flippant about the situation but most holiday seasons are filled with me just simply wondering what family tragedy or accident awaits us this year. Now don't get me wrong, I love watching my two boys open Christmas presents. Seeing them happy is really all I want nowadays, so the holidays aren't all bad. But when news comes that yet again something has happened that brings my family to a point of asking 'why' or 'when will this stop' and those questions are covered with tears of sadness and frustration, I now know that it is time for a major change in my life.

I have been telling people that I now want to only approach people and situations with nothing but honesty. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone so I will watch how I say things when I can, but I am desperate to figure out what is going on and what has gone wrong spiritually for myself and for members of my family. You see, I am starting to see after having long wondered it, that most of the time God is silent when we think He should speak. No, He's not dead nor is he uninterested, He just doesn't respond to us, prayers and life the way we have been taught or the way we think He should respond.
Perhaps I'm using the wrong word by saying God is silent. I think what I really am learning is that 'God's will will be done'.

There are people that have been prayed for for decades. These prayers are offered up by people of great faith and belief. Yet, I know in my own family, it seems that these prayers really are more pleas for God to change in people what they refuse to change in themselves. In other words, 'God make so-and-so happy and full of love'. Then 'so-and-so' goes out and does everything they can to not to be happy and full of love. Was the prayer not heard? Was it simply answered with 'no'? Or has God's will for that person be inacted a long time ago and praying for it to be different is both useless and arrogant? Who are we to pray for people to be the way 'we' want them to be and yet cloak it in the guise of wanting 'God's will for them'?

Let's pause for a minute. I believe God loves us. I believe God has a plan for us. I believe that prayer is important. This isn't a diatribe into whether or not God exists but it's more of a reexamination of how can we exist in accepting who we are and who people are that surround us. It's a quest for truth and honesty. Instead of constantly thinking I'm living outside the will of God because I'm on the railroad and not a pastor, I would like to find out how to embrace this will of God that has me working for the railroad? Follow me? Instead of constantly thinking I shouldn't use words that other people think are 'bad', perhaps I ask, 'well, how will God use that in me in a good way?' Or maybe I just quit worrying about it and simply be the best me that He has allowed to live for 38 years. Of course we need to heed His words and 'quit sinning' but I wonder if that simply means praying 'your will be done' and then living the best we can at that moment. We are so desperate to change others and ourselves that inevitably we forget who we are and who they are.

I have recently been reading scripture in a different way. I've been reading it for exactly what it says and not reading it and saying, 'now how can I make this fit into my life and make me feel better'. I think God is an honest God. I think he says what he means and means what he says. I think he's laid out a plan for understanding who He is and how to pray. It's blunt. It's honest and it doesn't fit what we normally do.

In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it says: "I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear. Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That's how it always is with God."
The book of Ecclesiastes is great. It's not a book so much about God, but about us. It's about how as humans are always trying to fill up our lives with so much other stuff that we miss the basics. We get consumed with comfort and normalcy and end up with neither. It clears the air of our misconceptions about life and God and prepares us to a clean slate for Christ. When I read the book it says a lot about not worrying about what is supposed to happen and embrace what is happening. Fear God and do what he tells you but 'Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, so you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.'

Are you getting it? Sometimes things happen for no other reason than they were supposed to happen. You can pray all you want to understand it, but guess what? you may never understand it. Sometimes people just are the way they are. You can pray for them to change but guess what? they often don't. When we don't expect people to take an active role in their own transformations we are being as silly as expecting a car to turn into a watch. This is also true for your own life. Quit expecting others to 'do their part' in order to make your little world better. Maybe they just aren't going to love you or be who you think they should be. Maybe they aren't going to 'walk the line' you expect of them. Maybe they have simply accepted who they are better than you have accepted who they are. Those of you in bad marriages, quit waiting for your spouse to change and make it better. Quit waiting for God to change them. Accept what they are bringing to the marriage and who they are. You have to find your place in that and not 'will it from them'. That's God's job, not yours. Either you can live with it or you can't. Those of you with children that are not behaving as you wish. You can pray for them to change all you want but until they are active in their own change you might as well rub a lamp and hope for a magic genie to appear and make it all better.

When Job was being put through hell in an effort to see whether or not he would turn from God or turn to God, Job and his friends spend much of the book questioning the actions of God and the mind of God in such a way that I think we can all relate to it. They try and assign meaning to everything as if God does things for any reason we can actually figure out. Much like we try to figure out tornados and predict them, Job and his friends want to question God and figure him out and in some way be able to 'control' their lives better. God unleashes on Job and the friends in an amazing rant about who He is and what He can do. I won't type it all out here but here's some highlights:
Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me, since you know so much. Who decided on it's size? Certainly you'll know that!..... Have you ever ordered the morning to 'get up' and the dawn, 'get to work'?..... Can you catch the eye of the beautiful Pleiades sisters or distract Orion from his hunt?....... Do you presume to tell me that I'm doing wrong? Are you calling me a sinner so you can be a saint?........ Can you shout in thunder the way I can? Go ahead, show your stuff. Let's see what you're made of, what you can do.
Job then asks forgiveness and says, 'I'm convinced: You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans.'

I'm not trying to say that we are helpless in this life in choosing our own way and that we are merely robots in God's cosmic world. Hardly. What I'm saying is that we have a great freedom in this even though it doesn't seem like it. We can CHOOSE to accept what God has for us or we can CHOOSE to question him and beg him to CHANGE everything that we don't deem suitable. The freedom that I could find in my life by simply saying YOUR WILL BE DONE with me on the railroad would be liberating. The freedom that could be found in letting people be who they are and praying for them that God's will be done in their life would be liberating.

I am always fearful for my wife and kids' safety. I can't imagine life without them and so I often pray for their safety and protection. I think it's good to do this and that God hears it, BUT it certainly doesn't guarantee anything. What about those parents that lose kids everyday to murder, accidents or suicide? Were their prayers not heard and mine were? Are they less people because God protected my kids today but not theirs? Or was God's will simply done and it is up to us to figure out our role in that plan? These aren't easy questions to answer. I think I would just like for everyone to quit telling me what God can do..... I need to deal with what God has done and what He IS doing. I know that God CAN protect my kids. I also know that he may allow something to happen because it's a part of the plan. Can I deal with that? Can you?
Can we pray the prayer of Jesus the night before his crucifixion? Can we say 'My father if there is no other way than this, drinking this cup to the dregs, I'm ready. Do it your way'.

I'm becoming more convinced now that I'm in Goddard, KS for a reason. I think that I'm working for the railroad not because I've 'fallen from ministry' but because it's where I'm supposed to be. God seems silent to me at times simply because I'm doing all the talking. God seems silent to me in church because everyone else is clammoring about with building plans, class schedules and about how they are doing things differently. (I love how every church nowadays things they are the ones that are cutting edge and different. Whatever.) God seems silent in my family because we seem to have a repeating of problems and concerns that make me think every year is 1988. When will we just accept it for what it is and find our place in that and quit waiting for something to 'change'.

I will give you what Jesus says about prayer in the book of Matthew chapter 6. This is from 'The Message' translation.
5"And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat?
6"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.
7-13"The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this: Our Father in heaven, Reveal who you are. Set the world right; Do what's best— as above, so below. Keep us alive with three square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil. You're in charge! You can do anything you want! You're ablaze in beauty! Yes. Yes. Yes.
14-15"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part. Well that's the rub isn't it? Isn't that why we do what we do? What is our part? What role are we to play? What do we control and what do we merely have to accept?
Latter in Matthew Jesus says: 'Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need.'

What I need right now is peace. I need peace with myself and peace with those around me. I need to have peace that while I play an active part in God's plan, I don't write the script and I don't much of a say in the big picture of this production. I simply have to do the best I can with what I know. You can't fix yourself by trying to fix others. Sure, we are to 'help' others, but we aren't called on to 'fix' them. That's a job that God and God only has a say in.

God's not silent. He just hasn't been saying what I thought He should say. He hasn't been doing what I thought should be done. But as it turns out, I've been the one that hasn't been silent enough. I've gone on and on with God about what He 'should do' and what He 'could do' when I should have just sat in his presence and simply whispered, 'Thy will be done'. When something happens I want to be able to say, 'ok, this is the situation for what it is and what is my role to be in that situation.' I don't want to waste any more time or energy regretting the past and questioning God on what He's done with my life or someone else's life. It simply is what it is and 'thy will be done' with it.

What I learned in 2007

The end of the year is near and I'm sitting here trying to take some inventory and figure out what I've learned in the past 300 plus days. I'm sure I won't be able to list everything and some things I would probably rather not have the entire world know about, but I have come up with a list of things that I learned in 2007. These aren't in order of importance but just how they popped into my head.



1. The IRS is a pain and having to pay them even more money is a bigger pain. Do your taxes right because an extra $100 today could cost you a great deal more later.

2. I have never played guitar more than I have in the last 3 months and I really wish I would have done this when I was 17 and not 38. You actually do have to work at things to have success.

3. Sports are lessening in importance for me. After decades of broken remotes, thrown pillows and weeks of depression, I've come to realize that it may not matter who wins and loses. Once Tyler Hansbrough leaves UNC, I may be done with sports believe it or not.

4. I still enjoy a good Van Halen concert.

5. The Railroad is a good job but I would quit today if option B were available.

6. Good friends only get better the older you get.

7. My kids are growing so fast that I'm getting nervous about the teen years. How will I be as a father in that phase? The fact that we've all survived this far is great and somewhat surprising. :-)

8. I lack spiritual discipline but not opinon. At some point I need to embrace what I do believe and run with it.

9. I worked really hard this last year to be farther in debt.

10. Tigers really should be left alone and not messed with. Turns out that they will eat you and not even think twice about it. You evolutionists sure you want to stick with 'natural selection'?

11. Politics is like eating at McDonalds. You may have many choices, but in the end it's all junk.

12. The more Bush got blamed for everything, the more I grew to like him. Then again, he's far from 'conservative' so I'm glad he'll be heading to Crawford for retirement. But I do think he's made decisions that no one else would have had the guts to make. His quote of 'I don't really sit around and go, 'oh gosh, my poll numbers are down'....' was refreshing.

13. People can be told the truth but only experiencing it will truly change them.

14. My union got into bed so fast with Hillary Clinton that I knew they'd never be mistaken for Bill. Ok, that was my attempt at a joke.

15. I have a great wife and marriage. Even in the tense times, we are better together than we are apart. I would do well to live out life with her.

16. The moment you think life is normal and simple a large tornado can come and remove those silly notions. Appreciate what you have but don't worship it. Ecclesiastes says, 'On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad dad, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won't take anything for granted.' Did you catch that? Sometimes God is ok with you having a bad day.

17. Helping a neighbor is really a pretty good thing.

18. I had another procedure on my throat and I still can't swallow very well. You'd think at some point I'd loose weight.

19. I can't believe that I'm at an age I remember my parents being and thinking then that they were 'old'. I'm stuck at age 24 and I don't want to leave.

20. The 90's are now 'oldies'.

21. God willing I have another year coming in which to learn and progress in life. I wonder if I will list the same things next year?

Just in case?

So it's late on September 11th. No, I'm not going to blog about the Twin Towers or the Iraq/Afganistan war.

Actually I'm preoccupied with a bit of selfishness. Nothing unusual really for I spend a great deal of time thinking about things that effect me. In about 10 hours I am to report to the Wichita Clinic and undergo another endoscopy. This is a procedure that is supposed to help stretch my 'food pipe' and help me swallow bacon better. I'm not sure that's the only reason for the procedure but it's certainly a benefit. The problem is, it's the same procedure I had in 2002 (and several time before that year) that put me in intensive care for a week and just about killed me. (See 'My sweet, broken Jesus' blog)

I'm not even sure that I want to do this or need to do this. I mean I'm tired of choking on small amounts of food and not being able to swallow pills, but I'm not sure that inconvinence is worth the risk. My doctor (whose name I can't pronounce... why is that always the case?) says that the chance of tearing my esophogus again is only 1 in 4000. Yeah, but you see the last time I was the 'one' so forgive me if I throw up right before you knock me out.

Anyway, I thought I should right out some thoughts for the 'just in case'. I certainly don't want to jinx myself but the fact is I know that this whole life thing is in bigger hands than doctor whats-his-name. So when it's time, I guess it's just your time. But honestly God, I just bought the Van Halen tickets so I would like that to be considered. Wait, you may not be a fan so strike that and I'll sell the tickets right away. :-)

My life:
Love my parents
Love my wife
Love my kids.

Family truly is the best and sometimes hardest thing about being human. Do we experience more joy or heartache than with family? My parents gave me a great start. My wife gives me what I can only describe as the closest thing to perfect love one could give. And my little Roo and little Pooh give me more smiles, laughs and warm fuzzy moments than any other two little boys could give a dad. They are and always will be very special kids. (It's in the genes):-)

I have great friends. They aren't great in numbers (meeting new people is hard for me), but man are they there when I need them 'there'. Mess up royally. Make a total buffoon of yourself. Lose all self-respect. Make really horrible decisions. Watch all the crowd walk away. Then look around and see who's left. Those are your friends.

I loved living in North Carolina. Seriously, it should be done once by everyone. But I have really grown attatched to Kansas. The sunsets and the starry skies are well worth the price of admission. Blue Ridge Mountains, lighthouses, grassy plains.... nice.

I loved music. Oh do I love music. My biggest regret is and will be that I didn't pursure music with more devotion. But as I told my friend Seth one night as we were listening to Phil Keaggy: 'I guess I'm sad that I didn't practice for the last 25 years and can't play like that but I'm glad that when I hear it, I can appreciate just how good it is'. I never really focused on anything for too long--well, other than focusing on the fact that I could never focus. I was good at a lot of things but I feared greatness and I feared failure. Young people, fear neither. The biggest regret is really just a bunch of big regrets.

God has blessed me. Even if this were my last night, could I complain? No. He has given me more than I ever dreamed of; much of which I don't deserve. He has gifted me and like all good dads, allows me to not use my gifts as well as I should and just loves me anyway. It's too bad that the story of our relationship with him on earth as people has been one of so much rebellion, hate, death and sorrow. The only comfort is in the ending. So, if it ends it really begins. (someone make sure that gets in a quote book ok?)

Do I fear death? Duh! Of course I do. Not so much because I'll have a clue as to what's happening but mainly because I know what death does to those of us 'left behind'. So, to all of you (if the scope does slip and I go night, night) get over me soon. :-) Seriously, play some great music at my service, tell some funny stories and eat some Barbeque. There is more to bother about than my exit. God is good, but He was pretty clear about the death thing: it comes to us all. I have loved well and been loved even better.

There, that's it. Even if things go fine and I email everyone with 'hey, I can eat bacon with less effort' I think it's good to do some reflecting once in awhile and realize that all the 'stuff' we bother with on a daily basis aren't the things we are going to want to remember or share with others in the end. So, just in case.......

Bones

Well, Michael Vick has plead guilty. As he did the sidewalks were lined with people that had signs and t-shirts reminding Mr. Vick that he is not only guilty but that he is a 'worthless human being'. For those that don't know Michael Vick is an NFL quarterback and has been running a dogfighting ring out of one of his Georgia homes. He has bankrolled the fighting and the gambling and 'allegedly' has even killed some of the dogs. Pretty nasty stuff. But is it so bad that a mother would dress up her 7 year old son in a shirt that read, 'Vick makes me sick'. I had to wonder what lessons on 'judging others' this youngster would remember. I still wonder why we adults haven't learned any lessons on judging others. Jesus seemed to be clear on the matter, but we haven't heeded the message for 2000 years now.

Mr. Vick apologized today in what I thought was a pretty genuine statement. It wasn't read or whispered to him; he seemed to be speaking from the heart. He made no excuses and said that he had found Jesus and wanted to redeem himself. Oh but you should have heard the sports talk show guys: 'Isn't this a little late?', 'How come they always find God after they are caught?', 'I don't care if he's found God, I want him to find the jail'.

We love to pile on people. I mean we seemingly can't wait for the next person to fail so that we can line the streets and let them know just how bad they really are; as if they are unable to figure these things out. I have no problem with Michael Vick finding God after he's been caught and convicted. What I have a problem with is people that think only 'good people' are allowed access to the grace of Christ. Are you serious? Is there any part of the gospels you people have read? Do you know there is a guy currently playing in the NFL that killed a woman because he was driving drunk one night? Yet many want Vick banned for life and don't line the streets protesting this man for killing an innocent woman and mother.

I am also bad about judging. Frankly I want every pedophile sent packing for life. I have no tolerance for those that hurt kids. But that doesn't make me right. In fact, I'm wrong. But we all seem to have our 'issue' that is a line-crosser. For some it's adultery. For others it might be homosexual behavior. Some think abortion is the biggest issue of the day and that abortion providers should pay.

I am repeating myself here but we've all got something. Everyone lining the streets denouncing Michael Vick has something in their life that is sin and is keeping them from God. Everyone of us has something in the closet that needs to be put out and given to God. Now, don't make the mistake of thinking that just because we all have something that it's ok to hang on to it because once you get rid of that 'thing' another will take its place. While that might be true, we need to constantly remind ourselves that we aren't perfect but we are expected to 'strive for perfection'. That means not sitting around letting sin so occupy us that we have no time for the One that has conquered sin and death. Admit your sins, seek redemption and move on.

Michael Vick will pay for his misdeeds. Aren't you lucky that yours aren't being broadcast on TV. How would you like to wake up in the morning and find P.E.T.A in your yard with signs? How would you like it that when you make your apologies and profess your faith in God, many will mock you and say 'too little, too late'? I'm glad that God is above His creation and doesn't respond the way we do.

I'm inspired by another Little Big Town song. It's called "Bones". The lyrics say it all:
You've got bones in your closet; you've got ghosts in your town. Ain't no doubt yeah they're gonna come out, they're waitin' for the sun to go down.

We need a reminder that it's not who we are in the daylight when we hold signs announcing the sins of others that matters to God. It's who we are 'when the sun goes down'; when no one is around and looking. You see 'your sins will find you out' is a phrase that we should all remember just as fervently as we remember the sins of others.

I think what Michael Vick did was horrible. I think what I did today was equally as bad in the eyes of God. I know what my sins were..... do you?

Little Big Town's song: Bones http://www.kstarheel.com/bones.html

A Summer of silence

I know there must be a few of you that are wondering that since my last blog about the Greensburg tornado got published in "The Friends Voice" newsletter (here's the link )http://www.evangelicalfriends.org/north-america/voice/august2007/index2.html,
perhaps my head had gotten too big and I had decided to give up this blogging thing and move on to greener pastures.
Well, that's not the case. Not that I would mind getting to write for something that paid me; that would be too cool. I just haven't sat down and typed anything. But that doesn't mean I haven't had many thoughts and ideas that have floated around in my rather cluttered, A.D.D brain.

One of the reasons I haven't blogged much is that I got to spend some good time this summer with my friend Seth. When Seth and I are together we can't help but wax poetically about all things religious, political, BBQ and sports. For much of the summer I have been able to vent about a great many things; not only with Seth but with my ever patient wife. I mean if you want to see the level of my wife's patience you should watch her as I go off on about a 10 minute rant why John Edwards is a big phony. (Not that all politicians aren't and not that I care if he becomes president because at this point we could elect a stable full of horses and sheep and be in about the same spot). Anyway, I now feel the need to sum up some of my summer time thoughts for you. Most of these thoughts were almost blogs, but I just didn't sit down and put them together in poor sentence structure as is my wont to do.

Thought 1:
I have been thinking of milestones this summer. I recently went to my 20 year reunion with Haviland High School. In October I will have my 20 year reunion in North Carolina: 2 High Schools, long story. Last November my wife and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. 30 years ago we moved from Texas to North Carolina, setting the stage for a UNC obsession that has cost me at least 5 years off my life. (I also got to thinking that it was 30 years ago that Van Halen got going... not great news for all of you, but some things I just can't give up) I got to thinking about the 10-20-30 formula. Ok, it's my formula. I think we often are guilty of 'looking back' 10-20-30 years ago at key moments in life and celebrating them. More times than not, we look back with a lot of regret as well. "What if" seems to be the key question encompassing those moments. I think I need to start 'looking forward' 10-20-30 years. In 10 years Kaden will be in college and Kenyon will start High School. In 20 years I will just about be retired from the railroad and while that's great, if I don't quit eating bacon I see me sitting by the window with an oxygen tank by my side. In 30 years.... well, see the bacon thing and you'll surmise that there may not be a '30' year. Jesus said quit worrying about tomorrow and of course He was right; I mean He's Jesus after all. But I think we should also quit lamenting about the past. I recently asked Seth: 'Do you think people are waiting to live or waiting to die?' It's a bigger question than you may think.

Thought 2:
Storm Cleanup. The Greensburg tornado brought about a lot of emotions for millions of people; myself included. Soon after an event like that we are solid in our commitments to make changes in our lives and do things differently. We see the damage and we feel pain, sympathy and a new jolt of motivation. But after the news crews leave and all the politicians have all had their cameo moments, we often store the aftermath file away deep in our brains: out of sight, out of mind. I even got to a point where I could tease Seth's dad, Ron (a victim of the tornado) about the redneck FEMA trailer he was going to move into. I even bought him a Dale Jr. and Jimmie Johnson NASCAR picture for his trailer. But I have been thinking about how when traumatic things happen to our own lives or to those around us, we are quick to act and react. But after time we tend to forget that there is still much to clean up and much to rebuild. Our hearts, souls and minds are the same. We can't forget the finish the job when we are trying to deal with painful stuff in our lives; because Dubya (George W. Bush) only comes around once and then you're on your own.

Thought 3:
I preached again....
On July 29th I had the privilege of preaching at Ark City Friends church. This marked the first time I had given a sermon in 10 years. (see that 10-20-30 thing) Of course my family gets them all the time. Everything went well and the people were great. I talked about all the rules we have on the Union Pacific Railroad and how we are judged and graded using those rules by people who have never actually done what we do. It was all about grace, forgiveness and judging. Afterwards I really had a bit of a fire in the belly to do that again. I know that I'm a big, fat sinner and so it would be hard to be a 'pastor' again because I can't seem to get passed that whole hypocrisy thing. But to preach a sermon is a great joy for me. I wondered if God has a place for guys and gals like me or does it bother him that I don't 'leave all others' for the sake of the ministry? I don't know, but I know God gives us all opportunities to minister in different ways: love your neighbor, feed the hungry, house the homeless, clothe the needy, etc. I guess you don't have to be a pastor to be of some use to God, but man, I do miss it.

Thought 4:
Bring it on home to me.
My song for the summer has been by a band called 'Little Big Town'. They are a 4 member country/pop/folk band that I really enjoy. The first time I heard this song, it became another 'song from Jesus' for me. We played it at Frank's (Konnie's dad) funeral because she heard the song as something Frank would say to his girls: he was always there for them. Every time I hear this song, I'm moved. The harmonies are great but the message is better. 'I got what you need, bring it on home to me'. God is waiting for all us prodigals to come home. He's waiting with open, loving arms. And if you married couples aren't saying this to each other, well you should be. Here's the link for the song:

http://www.kstarheel.com/bringitonhome.html

That's it. I'm sure I've had more thoughts than just these but these will do.

How's your neighbor?

On May 3rd, I had all sorts of problems. Lately I have been battling what my friend Seth calls 'a deep, blue, funk'. Now you must realize that I have a great life. Good job, nice house, 2 great kids and a smokin' hot wife (Talledega Nights) and every other thing a person could ever want. But it hasn't mattered much in the last few weeks. I don't know if it's because I'm turning 38 (which is certainly mid-life for me based on my love of bacon), I am going on my 10th year with Union Pacific Railroad and my kids are growing up too fast. I just have let all the 'problems' of the days bug me. I'm fighting the IRS, I don't like how my job keeps changing, I can't seem to get my debts paid down quick enough, if there are 10 decisions to make, it seems I make at least 8 bad ones. (I think that's 80% , but it's been awhile since I did math) I told my wife the other night that I really thought I was heading for a nervous breakdown. She had sympathy for me and tried again to remind me of how good things are. She was right, but I just didn't get it; I'm a bit slow on the uptake.

The next night, the evening of May4th, we had watched some TV and decided to go to bed. I was set to get called out for a train at 6:00am so I knew I needed some sleep. Konnie decided to turn on the local news and just see what was happening. At first I really didn't understand all that was going on. The broadcasters seemed a little discombobulated and I could tell they were a bit stunned by something but were doing their best to maintain that robotic candance that they are all so well trained in. Then I heard three words that shook me from my near sleep: Greensburg, Tornado, Devastation. 'Are they talking about Greensburg, KS?', I foolishly thought. Of course they were. What other Greensburg do I know? The numbers started coming in.... 60% destroyed, 70% destroyed, 100% damage. I called my friend Seth whose mom and dad still live in Greensburg; the town he grew up in and we all spent many, many days in during our time at Friends Bible College/Barclay College located in Haviland. He hadn't heard from anyone yet regarding their condition and since he doesn't have cable I was trying to let him know where the damage was located. We did this for some time and eventually he did get word that his dad was Ok, but still nothing yet on his mom, who lived on the other side of town where we knew there was massive damage. We said we would speak again later and hung up.

As night turned to day, the images of what had happened started coming in. I almost lost my breath as they showed a 'fly-over' of Greensburg. It was gone.... just simply gone. As if someone had hit the button and launched a nuclear weapon on this town of 1,800, it was just simply left in ruins. Of course I couldn't help but think of the horror that the folks in Greensburg had just gone through. I thought of Seth's family and friends. I thought of the engineer I work with that lives in Greensburg. I thought of the countless times spent in that town. I just couldn't wrap my head around this level of tragedy that had hit so close to home. Earlier in the evening/morning I heard from my friend Brandon Thompson. Brandon had been living on the 'Thompson Farm' just about 2 years ago when a fire struck the house of his grandmother that he and his family had lived in. The farm is located in different spots just north of Haviland and Brandon gave me the news that 'it's all gone. It's completely wiped out'. I couldn't believe it. How much should one family go through?

Later in the morning we did hear that Seth's mom and her husband were ok and we were grateful. My dad called me and wanted to know if I would like to go to Haviland to just visit, help, comfort people; whatever we could do. I said yes and called in and took a sick day. I wasn't prepared for what I saw.

As we arrived out at the Thompson Farm, you could see from a mile off that something horrible had happened. The tree row had just been shaved off. Approaching the first stop on the farm, where Brandon's brother's family lived, you could see that it was more than just the trees that had been hit hard. Where there used to be a house, there was now only a concrete foundation. Where there used to be barns, there was now just rubble. Where there used to be combines there was now nothing; they still haven't found the combines. Amazingly several animals had survived and you could almost see it in their eyes: 'what was that all about?' It was devastation on a level I've never seen and I went to Louisiana after hurricane Andrew and still I lost my breath looking around. Our next stop was up the road a ways to Brandon's mom and dad's home. Again, it was just overwhelming to see what man took years to build, a tornado destroyed in seconds. Not only were the buildings a wreck, but the looks in the eyes of the Thompson family was almost as hard to see. They were in shock, and full of sadness. But give up? I think not.... they were too busy cleaning, rounding up cattle and mending fences. That's what people in this part of the world do.

On the way home that night, dad and I stopped in at Seth's to visit with Ron. We heard his story of what happened; of just how fast it was over; of just how completely devastated his town was. But we also heard a story that must be told. It's not the story of lost lives and broken buildings. It's not the story of 'why me?' and 'what now?'. It's the story of neighbors; neighbors helping neighbors. Ron said that after the storm took his house, he went up from the basement and saw the destruction around him. After being thankful to be alive he said he then thought, 'I better go check on my neighbor'. Ron did that. Ron said that to a man and woman that was the theme of the Greensburg tornado on the night of May 4th. It wasn't chaos. It wasn't looting. It wasn't 'where's the government?'. It was a simple yet profound thought, 'how's my neighbor'. That's the state I live in, that's the kind of people I know. People that have just lost everything didn't waste a minute taking in their own damage. The first priority is in helping their neighbor. We had heard from the Thompson's of how the Barclay College students had all come out to the farm to help dig through the tragedy and help find clothes that could be washed. We heard of how people from all over the state descended on Greensburg to offer help to their neighbors. There were tears, there is shock and there was a mountain of horror laying in ruins. But the greater presence was 'love thy neighbor'.

Didn't Jesus say just that?
Luke 10:26-28
26He answered, "What's written in God's Law? How do you interpret it?"
27He said, "That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself."
28"Good answer!" said Jesus. "Do it and you'll live."

One of the the most important questions that Jesus thought you could ask was and still is, 'How's my neighbor?'. The story of the Greensburg tornado that destroyed a Kansas town, several farms and many lives isn't just the power of destruction and chaos that a tornado brings. The story is found in the power of faith, hope and love. Faith that you'll make it through the storm. Hope that you'll one day rebuild and Love for those around you and for life itself. I'm proud and humbled by my fellow Kansans. In some ways I am ashamed because on May 3rd I had a lot of problems. On May 5th, I saw what real problems are and I saw a community and a people face those problems with courage and love. I'll never forget what I saw. But more than that I'll never forget what I heard: 'How's my neighbor?'.

Here are some photos I took of the Thompson Family Farm. http://www.kstarheel.com/tornado.html
Again, I think the song 'God is my Rock' has to be heard in a time like this.

To fear or not to fear....

I guess this blog is an obvious one. I'm actually about 8 days late in writing this seeing as the mass killings that took place on the campus of Virgina Tech University happened on the morning of April 16th. After writing about the murder of the Amish girls 6 months ago, I wasn't sure I wanted to go down this road again. Frankly, I'm sad that I live in a time where one could go down this road many times . If it wasn't this incident, perhaps I could write about the genocide still going on in Africa. Maybe I could write about the mind-numbing car bombings taking place in Iraq. There is always plenty of local violence to write about. I'm sure somewhere in Kansas there was a killing, beating or a rape in the last 24 hours. If I focused nationally I would have about 500 murders to choose from so there's no shortage there. When you read through the daily headlines of our world, it can simply be too depressing for words.

The point is, 32 people (not counting the cowards death) died in a terrifying 3 hour period on April 16th. It made world news because of the seemingly senselessness of it; it just seemed to come from nowhere. But did it really? Did it really come from nowhere? Trust me, that act of evil had roots.... deep ones. That sad, little man didn't just wake up and say, 'let's go kill everyone today'. No, this action had been boiling up for quite some time. But to be honest with you, I'm in no mood to break down the act into religious, psychological or sociological pie charts. I don't really care to figure out why this man decided to kill innocent lives. Why? Because the answer is just too simple that it's scary. Evil exists and it exists so that you might be destroyed. Simple enough?

Death isn't unusual. Murder isn't unusual. Yet, we are so shocked and saddened when these types of events take place. And we are scared. Haven't we conditioned ourselves and our kids to treat death like hitting the 'x' button on the Play Station? What it seems we can't handle is the kind of murderous rampage that could easily involve us. What if your son or daughter were in that building that day? What if someone you knew or you were in the Trade Center Towers over 5 years ago? What if you took a wrong turn down a dark street and were never heard from again? It's all about fear. We fear things we don't understand. Shouldn't we understand evil by now? Of course to understand it you have to admit it's real and maybe that's where we are dropping the ball in society.

There I am doing what I said I didn't want to do. I don't want to seek answers. I want to seek comfort. I want to seek strength. I want to seek protection.

Riding in the van the other night a song came on and reminded me of some things. The song only lasts less than a minute and a half, but it was so powerful to me as I looked up into a massive, clear, star-lit sky. It was a reminder to me of how I should feel in times such as these. It's a song that is not only a prayer, but a battle cry. We look into the eyes of evil everyday; you may not know it, but it's there. We need something to hold on to. We need a shelter in which to run. So, do this.... turn your speakers up or put your headphones on and crank your computers volume. Don't worry about who's around and play this song. As it plays, close your eyes and see every bad thing in your life and in this world. Why? Because none of it is bigger than God.

http://www.kstarheel.com/godismyrock.html

Truth is folks the world isn't getting less violent. The chances of you or a loved one coming face-to-face with someone wanting to end your life is only going up. But we aren't to fear what seems so frightening. We stand up. We walk humbly. We take shelter in our God. We must remember that Jesus didn't die so that bad things wouldn't happen. He died to conquer the ultimate 'bad thing': death. His love has driven fear to it's knees. No, it's killed it. It is in that hope, that I hope. In that comfort that I find some peace. I pray for my family. I pray for yours. Don't lose hope and don't let fear blind you from the truth.

Psalm 18
1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

Revelation 1:17
17-20"Don't fear: I am First, I am Last, I'm Alive. I died, but I came to life, and my life is now forever. See these keys in my hand? They open and lock Death's doors, they open and lock Hell's gates. "

John 16:31
Jesus answered them, "Do you finally believe? In fact, you're about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

Would you know greatness?

The Washington Post recently ran a very interesting experiment. They hired a world class classical violinist, Joshua Bell, to play outside of a metro station to see if anyone would notice him, listen to him or even give him a dollar. Here's some excerpts from google news:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Joshua Bell is one of the classical music world's iconic figures, but fame didn't stop the Grammy-Award winning violinist's music from falling on deaf ears at a subway stop in Washington.
Bell, 39, received the most coveted prize in classical music -- the Avery Fisher prize -- on Tuesday, two days after The Washington Post revealed that he had failed to draw even a tiny crowd while performing in an anonymous setting.
The boyish-looking Bell swapped his formal concert garb for jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap to play six classical pieces outside a Metro station in a test of perception and public taste conducted by the Post.

Bell says the results after 43 minutes during morning rush hour -- $32.17 and only one of 1,097 people who passed by recognizing him -- were more surprising than being asked to do the stunt in the first place.

"I was quite nervous and it was a strange experience being ignored," Bell, a former child prodigy who attracts a young following and commands ticket prices of $100 or more at his concerts, told Reuters on Wednesday.

"Obviously I am spoiled by getting up on stage and having people clap and pay money to see me, and it changed my perspective on things."

"Maybe once is enough for me for this kind of experiment," Bell said, smiling. "But I myself will certainly be paying more attention to street musicians when I walk by."

Check out the story and the video here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html?hpid=topnews


$32.17. That's it. Here is a guy that has set a new standard in classical violin playing and he couldn't make more than you would during an 8 hour shift at Quick Trip. I wonder how many of those folks that passed him by would have jumped at the chance to see him if he were playing locally for $100 a ticket. I bet there were more than a handful that would have said, 'oh, I've heard of him and I would love to see him. Because I know greatness and I'm not afraid to pay $100 to see greatness.' That same man or woman walked on by and it was free.

Why? Well, it was a surrounding that people weren't expecting. I mean to see Michael Jordan play at the University of North Carolina and for the Chicago Bulls was a real treat for me back in the day. But if he was playing at the local YMCA, would I notice? I've met Eddie Van Halen and to watch him play a guitar was a joy, but would I bother giving him a nickle if I saw him at the Guitar Center playing? Or would I say, 'that dude is trying to sound like Eddie Van Halen... what a dork.'

We are making the same mistake with our faith. In the context of crisis or inside a church, it all makes sense right? I mean we pray because the pastor said pray. We raise our hands to choruses because that's what the people on stage are doing. We greet those around us with love because the pastor said, 'stand up and greet one another with a hug or a hello'. In the right setting, we are all about this guy Jesus and we can't wait to hear what he has to say next.

But when we are exposed to the greatness of the Christian faith 'outside it's proper box', we tend to either get confused or just simply ignore it. Our Christian faith at work doesn't always seem to fit. Our faith while watching our favorite team go 1 for 23 to end their season doesn't seem to fit. Our faith while seeing a pretty girl who smiles at you (or guy) doesn't seem to fit. Do we realize the greatness we are all about? IF we heard Jesus preaching in a Metro Station, would we pay him any attention or just say, 'man, the homeless problem is just out of control'.

You can pick and choose, I guess, to notice a master musician playing on the street. You can ignore him if you like. You can also give him $100 one day and pretend he isn't there the next day. But to make that same mistake with 'The Master' is a fatal flaw. How do I know? I make that mistake more than I wish to. I make it at work. I make it when my favorite team goes 1 for 23 to end their season. And I make it even in the obvious places.... like church. I know I'm missing some great things; I'm just ignoring them or hoping they go away. Are you?

I'm not smarter than my 3rd Grader

There is a new hit show on Fox called, 'Are you smarter than a 5th grader?'. It's a very clever show that takes several 5th grade students and a bunch of questions from 5th grade text book and some adult must try to answer the questions using the kids for help. No, I wouldn't win much money on that show without the kids' help. It's a good reminder of what all we have forgotten in the decades since we attended the 5th grade.

My oldest son Kaden is currently in the 3rd grade. I was reminded last night that in many areas of life, I'm not smarter than Kaden. While he was doing his homework last night, Konnie told him to bring me an assignment that he had finished in class recently. It was a picture of a pot of gold glued on yellow paper. The task was to write about something that was worth more than gold. Here's what Kaden wrote:

"God is more precious than gold!!! He is more precious than gold because he gave us the world and the Bible. The most important thing is when we believe in the Bible, we believe in Him. He gives us eternal life and heaven. That's why he is the only God in the world. That's why God is more precious than gold."

I was so humbled when I read this. Why? Because I don't know if I would have written this if asked the same question. I might have said my family, my friends. I might have said something really stupid like UNC winning the national title is more precious than gold. Kaden goes to public school. I don't sit down with him daily and read scripture. I rarely have spiritual talks with him on any level that would have led him to write this. I'm sure that he learned this from Sunday School or from the A.W.A.N.A program at our church. He's so much smarter than me.

Here are some verses to back up Kaden's writing:

Psalm 19:9-10
"The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. The are more precious than gold, than more pure gold; they are sweater than honey, than honey from the comb."

Psalm 119:127
"Because I love your commands more than gold, more than pure gold....."

Luke 16:13
"No servant can be in bondage to two masters. For either he will hate one and love the other, or else he will cling fast to one and scorn the other. You cannot be bond servants both of God and of gold."

1 Peter 1:7
"...that the proof of your faith, which is more precious than gold that perishes even though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ"

Needless to say, I'm proud of my son. But here's the catch: without my involvement or input, Kaden may well lose this light that he has. If I don't do my part to be a better example to him, and if that causes Kaden to fall spiritually, then I will have more to answer for than you can imagine. This isn't about education, because I have that. This is about application and I don't have much of that. Is it any wonder that Jesus said this:

Matthew 18: 3-4
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Humble yourselves... I sure have been.

If God wrote super-cool-70's-love-songs

I love music. For those that know me, this is no secret. When I say that I love music I don't just mean that I love only pop songs or rocks songs, jazz songs or country songs. I love a little bit of all types of music. Ever since I was a kid (some might argue that I still am) I have always envisioned that my life had a soundtrack behind it. Depending on what was or is currently happening in my world, I always thought there was some background music. I can remember that from an early age I loved having music pumping into my head. It used to be on portable radios then the God of music blessed us with the 'Walkman' and it changed my world. Then I was able to make my own tapes and my soundtracks took a whole new direction; I created my own play lists to get me through any situation. I remember even making tapes for girls I liked. My early start in the DJ craft. :-)

Now I am 37 and my need for a 'soundtrack' hasn't changed a bit. But the God of music given us some great new toys. I have an iPod, which is just the bomb. On my iPod I have over 4,000 songs. Artists ranging from Van Halen to Miles Davis to Amy Grant escort me on long drives, train trips, walks, working out... ok, I don't work out, but you get the point. I also have Satellite Radio in the car for non-stop sports and political talk and every style of music available to me with just the turn of the dial. My background music is with me everywhere I go. I'm not quite as obsessive about my background music as my friend Seth. Seth shows up everywhere with earphones in the ear and his iPod on his hip. I'm sure if Seth met President Bush he would hold up his hand to Dubya and say, 'hang on.....' (removing his earphones) 'ok, what were you saying?' Seth got me into the iPod experience and I'm forever grateful.

I've said all this simply to set up a scene for you that I experienced the other day while arriving at the hotel we stay at in Salina, KS. When I work a train from Wichita to Herington, KS, we then take a van ride an hour away to stay overnight in Salina. To explain why we do this is another blog on the inane actions of one Union Pacific Railroad; I don't have that kind of time. Anyway, as we were pulling up into the Hotel we had to wait in a line behind several other cars before the van could pull up and let us off by the door; you certainly didn't think we were going to walk did you? As I was sitting in the van I was listening to my iPod and had it in 'shuffle' mode. This allows the iPod to play whatever song it wishes; you never know what song will be next. Since I have over 4,000 songs, I get to hear tunes I haven't heard for some time.

While enjoying my potpourri of music, I notice one of the gals that works at the front desk sitting outside the front doors on a park-like bench. She was smoking and looking very sad. With every puff she took from her cigarette, I saw her hand shake. As I looked at her I felt bad for her. Remember that I will cry at the dumbest commercial or silliest movie. I cried during the movie 'Because of Winn Dixie' for goodness sakes. I have hormonal issues I think. But I also know that I am very empathetic towards people that are hurting, lonely and depressed. As this young gal took yet another drag of smoke into her lungs I saw her begin to cry. It wasn't a desperate cry or one that shook her whole body, but simply a long, steady tear began to fall down her left cheek. Her right cheek soon became moist with tears and she did her best to conceal what was going on as people rushed by her going in and out of the Hotel doors.

At that very moment that I saw the tears begin to fall a song started playing on my iPod. I hadn't heard this song in probably more than 2 or 3 years. Off the top of my head I couldn't even remember who sang it. I could tell it was from the 70's because of the acoustic guitars and vocal harmonies. It was a beautiful song. As I listened to the lyrics and watched this girl weep I was very moved. I so wanted to run out and put the headphones on her and tell her to listen to this song because this was part of her soundtrack for the moment and God had something to say to her. The song is by Firefall and it's called, 'Just remember I love you'. The chorus kept saying , 'Just remember I love you and it'll be alright. Just remember I love you, more than I can say.' I so wanted this girl to her this message. About the time that I thought I had the courage to maybe say something or do something, she got up, wiped her face and went back inside to finish her shift.

But this song stayed with me. I replayed this tune probably 7 times. My soundtrack for the day was a song of love, hope and just a touch of sadness. I started thinking about my family members that are experiencing difficult times. I started thinking about marriages that I know aren't doing well. I started thinking of all those that hurt for reasons we may never know. I started thinking of moms and dads that have lost sons and daughters on the battlefield. I stated thinking of my own problems and I just couldn't hear those words enough: 'Just remember I love you and it'll be alright'. Can you ever hear those words enough? I don't know if God would write super cool love songs from the 70's, but if He did, I think this song would be close to the result. A Simple, kind, soft and yet timeless message from a timeless Love.

Romans 8: 38-39 says this:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We need to remember that even though God may not give us the specific answers to our problems, he gives us the constant condition in which he meets us at all problem times. The condition is Love. There are no answers for problems in this song, just the hope and knowledge that you are Loved; no matter what.

I made a web page with the song and lyrics. If you need a pick-me-up, check it out.
http://members.cox.net/kstarheel3/Firefall.html

Brace yourself like a man

One of my favorite things that God says in the Bible is in the book of Job. When Job and his friends have all had their say in wondering why Job is being persecuted and where God is in all of it, God then readies Job for some questioning of His own. He says, 'Brace yourself like a man. I will question you and you will answer Me." I have entitled this blog with that quote for a reason. This is meant for men. Of course you gals can read along and take from it what you will but please don't make it a tool to 'beat' a man over the head with. There is a 'great disturbance in the force' of "mandom" and we need to talk about it. We men have always been at war with many things and that is true to this day. The particular battle I have been thinking a lot about is that little three-lettered word that makes most churches cringe and immediately want to sing hymns. The word is sex.

There is a crisis, for us Christian men, in our marriages and in our dealings with women period. Again, this isn't something new, but it's hitting close to home for me now on a daily basis it seems. Friends and co-workers all around me are struggling with marriage and with fidelity; some have already called it quits in their marriage. Others are nearing the end. I am a part of this crisis on some levels that some know and some don't. I have been divorced once in the past and I still struggle currently with being a 'good husband'. Granted, my wife says that the last 8 months of our marriage have been the best in our 10 years and I agree. We get along great right now. We don't fight that much and we spend lots of time together talking and simply doing things we enjoy. Most of that is because I'm changing and not my wife. She has always been content and happy... me? well, not so much. I'm still part of the problem that is going on with us men; especially us Christian men. We are fighting to keep our marriages together and sex lives pure. We are surrounded by temptation on a level not seen.... well, in my short life anyway. Every where you go and every where you look, it's all about sex. Movies are filled with it, music sings about nothing else, every commercial has good looking people with very few clothes on, and yes even our waitresses are 'showing off'.

Tonight on our local news program (Feb. 5th, 2007) we saw a report on how to make a marriage work. One of the facts they gave in the report was that of the 19,000 marriages that took place in Kansas in 2006, 9,000 of them have already ended in divorce. Can you wrap your minds around that for a second...... Not only do 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but apparently they end quickly. It almost makes you wonder why people are even getting married these days. I have some theories that may have to wait for another blog, but one reason that everyone is getting married still is because they know that marriage is easy to get out of these days.

I will talk, well actually I will quote another, about two aspects that are killing marriages. First is sex and second is contentment or being happy; getting beyond the 'being in love' stage. The author I will quote exclusively is CS Lewis. It wasn't until later in his life that Lewis was married. He never went through his 30's with a wife and kids and wondering where all the fun went and where all the sex went. But he brings to the table some insights that have really hit me in the last few days.

First of all, we men are obsessed with sex. This is no shock, but can I also say that we 'Christian' men are obsessed with sex? In fact it may be a bigger problem with the Christian man than you may know. Do you know that 60% of all Christian men view pornography on a fairly regular basis? Do you know that 25% of Christian men have had at least one experience with a prostitute? Do you know that 40% of all Christian men are or will have an affair? Now, honesty is always at the heart of these blogs. I don't mean to embarrass myself or anyone else, but I will say that I'm not above percentages. Can we leave it there? :-)
Something has gone wrong with how we see sex and how the church deals with the matter. I'm going to give you a bunch of Lewis quotes and then will move on from there and talk about them.

"The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again."
"When I was a youngster, all the progressive people were saying, 'Why all this prudery? Let us treat sex just as we treat all our other impulses.' I was simple-minded enough to believe they meant what they said. I have since discovered that they meant exactly the opposite. They meant that sex was to be treated as no other impulse in our nature has ever been treated by civilized people. All the others, we admit, have to be bridled.... But every unkindness and breach of faith, seems to be condoned provided that the object aimed at is 'four bare legs in a bed'. It is like having a morality in which stealing fruit is considered wrong--unless you steal nectarines.... If I object to boys who steal my nectarines, must I be supposed to disapprove of nectarines in general? Or even of boys in general? It might, you know, be stealing that I disapprove of.
"Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. There is no getting away from it: the old Christian rule is, 'Either marriage, with complete faithfulness to your partner, or else total abstinence.' Now this is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts, that obviously either Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct, as it is now, has gone wrong. One or the other....
You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act, that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you cam to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?"

Ok, let's take a break. I know I can only read so much Lewis before I have to pause and wrap my head around some of the things he says. When Christians talk about sex it is always an uncomfortable time. Let's be honest, we say one thing about it and usually act another way on the matter; especially us men. We speak of being faithful to our wives but lust with our eyes so much that if our grandmothers were right, we would go blind. Some take it beyond just the eyes and sex becomes a monster that dogs our very existence, even beyond our marriages. Recently in a bible study that we attend we were given the assignment to write down 50 blessing in our lives. My #19 blessing was sex. Now this got a good laugh from everyone, but as I thought about it, I should have listed it higher. Why? Because it dominates much of my thinking. I was one of those rare birds that was a virgin when I first got married. It was just a quest of mine that I would stay 'pure' until my wedding night. Well, I certainly wasn't 'pure' but as for the actual act of sex, I had made it. Now the downside to this was, I really thought that once you were married, it would be a non-stop sex-a-thon with the wife. I wasn't prepared for the reality of marriage. I then got tempted with pornography and a troubling cycle began.
Lewis is right when he says that it's not sex that is the problem, but it's how we use it, view it and think of it that is. I love sex. The problem is, at times I put my love of it over other things that should rank higher on the blessing list. Here's more from Lewis:

"A society in which conjugal infidelity is tolerated must always be in the long run a society adverse to women. Women... are more naturally monogamous than men; it is a biological necessity. Where promiscuity prevails, they will therefore always be more often the victims than the culprits. Also, domestic happiness is more necessary to them than to us.... Thus in the ruthless war of promiscuity women are at a double disadvantage. They play for higher stakes and are also more likely to lose."

I don't think we should make the mistake and say that this is all the man's problem and not the woman's. I simply have to ask my friend Seth what the girls are wearing in High School these days to figure out that girls also have a 'wrong idea' about sex. And we should also not make the mistake of saying that women don't cheat on their husbands for we know from watching 'Grey's Anatomy' that this just isn't true. But we can safely say that Lewis is right when he says that usually the victims of 'wrong ideas about sex' are women. Even women who strip for a living, do so out of desperation and loneliness. Women who sell themselves sexually do so for the same reasons. Behind most women in pornography is a bad relationship with a man; usually a father. We men have to own up to our dominating part in this struggle. Pornographic web sites aren't simply the most downloaded sites on the Internet simply because of the women that pose for them. There are a lot of 'good, Christian men' looking at them because they feel like something is missing from their own marriage. One could call what's missing the thrill or the feeling of being wanted. Whatever the reason, men are trying to fill a void that porn sites and strip clubs and affairs cannot fill. Lewis writes some great stuff on what 'being in love' really is all about and what 'thrills' we should now strive for. I'll close with this.

"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but many things are also above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?.... But of course, ceasing to 'be in love need' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in a second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the explosion that started it.

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on 'being in love' forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change---not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last...Let the thrill go--let it die away--go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow--and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. It is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy."

Wives, forgive your husbands. We are weak and the temptations around us are overwhelming at times. We may fall, but don't let that be the end of the story of the love that we have. Husbands, let your wives in on your struggles. Share with them honestly what you are fighting against and deal directly with it. Wives, be open to what your husbands say; don't punish them because they struggle and are being honest with you about it. We all have something don't we? Too many marriages are ending because both sides have forgotten. They have forgotten what promises are and they have forgotten what honesty is. But more than either of those, the have forgotten what forgiveness and healing are really all about.

One of my favorite commercials from the last few years is by a sporting wear company called 'Under Armour'. In this commercial a bunch of very manly football players are stomping around working out and training for a big game. The leader of the team starts giving a speech to his teammates about how everyone is coming after them. The tension builds until he shouts, 'Will you protect this house?!!!!' His teammates respond with, "I will, I will". Men of Troy, that is to be our battle cry. We are under attack and our wives and kids are paying the price. The enemy is at hand and it is time to answer the question: Will you protect your house? (View the commercial here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2905328199281265150&q=Under+Armor%2C&hl=en

Brace yourself like men.... and fight this battle like a man.... it's the only way God let's you fight.

Just make it better

I can't believe I'm 37 years old. I can't believe that we are starting year 2007. I can't believe that Michael Jordan doesn't play basketball anymore. I can't believe it's been 20 years since I graduated High School. I can't believe it's been 16 years since I graduated college. I can't believe Andre Agassi retired when I can remember him starting his career at age 16.... and he's now retired. I can't believe there is an 8 year old boy and a 3 year old boy in my house that follow me around and keep calling me dad. I can't be a dad. I'm too young right? I'm feeling it, big time.

Recently I went and saw Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6). Are you kidding me? Six Rocky movies? Actually it was quite good. But in watching that movie I was really hoping to feel motivated and leave saying that 'it's never to late'. I wanted to leave that movie, go run 4 miles, do 100 sit ups and run the stairs in Philly. No, instead I went home, had a glass of milk and ate a pop tart. I thought about the effort required in working out and decided that I best just relax and watch another episode of 'The Office'. I couldn't help but say, 'damn that Rocky Balboa'.

At the start of anything new you're supposed to feel a feeling of renewal or have a thought of a second chance. Every time in school that we started a new grading period I always said, 'this is the semester that I will study hard and actually read a book. Never really happened. The new year is a time to start dieting, working out, living on a budget and reading the Bible more. This new year I have hesitated in making any of those pledges. I have told one of my co-workers that I 'would like' to start lifting weights with him. I have told my wife that I 'would like' to start living on a budget. And I've told several that by summer time I 'would like' a 'boy band body'. In order to achieve those goals I'm going to have to fight to get them. I don't have to fight anyone like Rocky did, but like Rocky I will have to fight myself.

(As I'm writing this they just introduced Nancy Pelosi as the 'new speaker of the house' and I had to recollect my thoughts).

Ok, where was I? Ah yes, fighting for change. Driving home last night I told myself and God something. I was trying to pray for renewal. I was going to attempt that always lame, "Lord, help me do better'. Then it hit me. I said to myself, 'self. You don't want to change. You like yourself just the way you are. You like being sarcastic and arguing about silly things. You like criticizing others. You like your passionate moments of anger. You like setting goals and not meeting them. The reason I know this is because we are 37 years into this and every year is just like the last year. If you actually wanted these things, you would fight for them.'

I thought this was a little harsh for self to tell myself this. I didn't really like what was being said. So I had to change my prayer to , "Lord, help me want to change."

There is a saying that in tough times it's either 'Fight or Flight'. You are either going to fight for something or you are going to flee with your pride in your pocket and your head hung low. Another saying says, 'you must fight fire with fire'. This proverb has been traced back to Shakespeare's Coriolanus:

Aufiduis: One fire drives out one fire; one nail, one nail; Rights by rights falter, strengths by strengths do fail.

I used to have a fire in my belly for things. I remember going outside our house in North Carolina and hitting rocks for hours with my baseball bat to improve my swing. I remember playing basketball until I couldn't see anymore trying to work on my fade away jumper. I remember going to Sunday School and youth group always talking about the things of God and really wanting to make a difference. I can remember dreaming of having a wife and kids; a nice house, good job and thinking I would be very happy with that. Well, I am very happy with 'that' but I'm still not so pleased with me. I just don't feel the fire to accomplish anything other than making the house payment. Time to fight fire with fire.

---

I love to blog in 'real time'. It's now about 10 hours since I wrote all of the above. I re-read what I had written and simply said, 'what a cry baby'. Yeah, I called myself a big, fat, lump of a baby. Why? Well, it's because I'm 'stuck on stupid'. Every blog is starting to sound the same. It's full of the same laments about my life and where I am and where I'm going. I'm sitting here thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be and I'm EXACTLY who I'm supposed to be for right now. Maybe I'm not changing this or changing that because I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO! Maybe, as flawed as I am, I am actually of some use to God, my wife, my kids and my friends... all 4 of them. ;-) Sure, I wish I wouldn't do certain things or say certain things but you know what? There are plenty of things that I'm darn glad I do and things that I'm thrilled that I've said. (patting self on back)

I said to Konnie a little bit ago, 'winch, get me a beer'. Ok, that's not what I said. (I don't like beer) I was going to go for the manly thing but here's what I said, 'You're happy right?'. 'Yes' she says. 'You like our house and the boys are great and I have a good job... that's all good right?' 'I'm a very lucky woman Geoffrey'. With that she put her head on my shoulders and smiled.

So I have a great life. Great wife, great kids, great job. I have great friends... all 4 of you. (just kidding) The ONE area I really need to improve on is my witness. Well, ok, so let's improve that. Let's just make it better and quit fretting over how many times I'm going to fall on my face and how many times I'm not going to make it and how many times I will fall in the water because I momentarily lost my faith. Just make it better.

So there you go. Marriage problems? Just make it better. Money problems? Just make it better. Faith problems? Just make it better. We're not talking about perfection here, just take some baby steps in the right direction and see how that works for you. I'm starting to think that my life isn't as hard as I want it to be. Maybe I tend to need chaos in order to feel 'human'. Maybe I need things to be broken so I can try and fix them. Well, maybe I just need to focus on something and simply try to make that something better. If everyone were as 'bad off' as I am, the world really wouldn't be too bad. :-)

Ha! Take that self.... you little nagging gnat!

Slips, Trips and Falls

The past week or so has been very hard on me. For some reason, I get really agitated at Christmas time as I seem to be unable to buy enough things or get enough time off. I know that family get togethers are coming and sometimes that's not very fun. It's cold out and because I work a lot in the outdoors, I seem to get my share of head colds and migraines. My attitude has been horrible. I got into a big fight with an engineer because he did something I didn't want him to do. It wasn't that big of a deal but I was tired (on duty for 12 hours and it was 5:30am) and I didn't feel good. Instead of just rolling with things a bit better we got into a massive shouting match and I felt I was seconds away from just punching him and losing my job. I haven't been nice around my house at all. As great as my wife is, my list of complaints seems to never end and I know it wears on her. With all the CS Lewis, George MacDonald and Donald Miller I've been reading, you think I would start to make some progress and quit doing some of these things. But I feel burned out and have let my guard down on more than one occasion.

My company has a slogan that annoys me. There 'big thing' is this: "Safety First". Why does this annoy me? Well, they don't exactly provide the atmosphere or environment to make sure you are always 'safe'. They work you to death. They are always looking to take a bit more money away. They don't maintain equipment or tracks to ensure safety. The list goes on and on. But by saying 'Safety First' they put the onus on us, the employees, to make sure we're never tired, never in an 'unsafe' spot and always have that Stepford wives smile on our faces. Every holiday season they put out a little reminder about safety during the winter months. As I read this I naturally thought, 'yeah, right.... it's that easy'. But upon further review I thought the steps were useful in another area: my spiritual life.

The memo states that during the holiday months over the past 4 years most injuries have been due to slips, trips and falls. They say these injuries are preventable by doing the following things.... I think 'spiritual injuries' are preventable by doing the same things.

1. Keep your eyes on the path
2. Choose the safest course
3. Stay focused on the task at hand
4. Take every precaution to avoid slips, trips and falls (see how redundant they are?)
5. Be aware of your surroundings and expect movement from all directions, all the time
6. Continue to practice good housekeeping
7. Winter action plans are in effect. Be prepared

Pretty obvious, but practical steps to myself being able to avoid confrontations, depression and anger. I won't take the time to tell you how to apply all of these steps to your own life, but I will say that I think most of us need a 'Winter Action Plan'. There are more suicides this time of year than any other. Debt rises faster at this time of year than any other. And God bless our employers because they love to 'cut budgets' this time of year to meet their goals. I know Union Pacific is notorious for cutting jobs during the holiday season to save on their 'year-end' budget. Nice Christmas for those guys huh?

The world isn't going to provide you an environment in which to 'be safe'. We are driven by sex, power and money. If you aren't pursuing those things then you are either mocked or run over. It's very difficult to navigate your way through life at all times of the year, but it seems this time is especially hard. Encourage each other and look for signs in your family and friends that things are not going well. Sometimes you can detect the pending slip, trip or fall and maybe you can play a part in helping prevent that. Have a great Holiday season watch out for what is going on around you and in you.

See you in 2007!

Geoff