One by One......

It seems they've faded a bit from the headlines. It seems that maybe we are so war weary that we have put them on the back burner, only to remember them at holidays. As the changing of administrations in Washington has occurred, so has our feelings about what they're doing and what they've done. I don't want their actions to fade from my mind. I don't want their lives simply mentioned on page 3 of the paper while the stars of yesterday demand the headlines of today. I don't want to debate war and it's cost. I don't want to argue for or against based on political blinders. I simply want to acknowledge these men and women that serve this nation and each of us. 'For no greater love has a man but that he lay down his life for his friend.' I simply don't want to forget that. For my family members and yours that are serving or have served over seas, this video is for them. It's a song by 'Alter Bridge' called One by one and it speaks of the costs of war.



The lyrics to the song:
Underneath the desert sun
They bid my brother's blood to run
Many miles away
Hell has come today

Fire raining from the sky
See the face of fear asking one last time
Let me get home safe
Before it's too late

[Chorus:]
One by one
The brave will fall
Life is lost again
They gave it all

Deep within the castle walls
So many grieve as funeral songs
Echo endlessly
Ode to memories

This sacrifice of flesh and blood
For a promised land that may not be won
Let us not forget the hero laid to rest

[Chorus]

And they gave it all
A price we can't ignore
Is there hope in what they're dying for?
For every hero born
From every family torn
We will honor you forevermore

One for all....

Nothing much to write but this... Don't care if you're Protestant, Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, Quaker, Agnostic, even Atheist.... this blood was for you. I'm humbled by it; I'm awed by it and I'm completely unworthy of it.

Institutionalized

One of my all-time favorite movies is 'The Shawshank Redemption'. If you haven't seen this movie, then you are missing out on an amazing experience. It will give you many themes and messages if you watch it multiple times as I have. Sometimes the word 'hope' will come through. Sometimes the word from the title, 'Redemption' will scream its way into your mind. Perhaps you will watch it and see the themes of 'truth', 'pain', and maybe even 'death' will play out. I've probably seen this movie 50 times either in whole or in part and I always come away with something. It makes me think, feel and question. It's really more than a movie.

I was riding on the train the other day and watching it again on my iPod. Now, we are no longer 'allowed' to do that but I wasn't the actual conductor and was hanging out on the rear unit so I felt ok with it. Let's keep that between us shall we? Anyway, I was watching Shawshank again and a great scene came up that had to deal with the concept of being 'institutionalized'--meaning that one has spent so much time in one place, or institution, that they have no idea how to live outside of those confines.

In the scene prior to the one you'll watch, one of 'Shawshank's' (which is a prison by the way) oldest prisoners, Brooks, receives his parole. To the shock of his friends in the prison, he becomes so distraught with this that he holds a knife to one of their throats thinking that if he kills the man he'll get to stay. It's a powerful moment in the film and later we follow Brooks as he tries to make it on the 'outside'. I won't ruin that for you if you haven't seen the film.

In this scene, one of the main characters, Red, is trying to explain the concept of being 'institutionalized' to his fellow prisoners. It has some language in it that you may not find appropriate, but it is what it is... you've been warned. :-)



I want to make special note of this line from Red:

'These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them.'

You know where I'm going with this don't you? Yeah, I'm going to Church. And if you thought that right off then you are tapping into something that I think is a very important point and I would even say, is a warning for us Christians.

I've spent 39 years in Church. I grew up a preacher's kid, went to Bible college, served both as a youth pastor and head pastor and I've also just been 'Joe attender'. How many times have you felt 'bad' for not 'going to church'? How many times have you felt like you 'did what you were supposed to' because you went to church? How many times have you sat in church and been quite content only to completely freak out when you go back to 'the real world'? I've done all these things... often.

This isn't a diatribe against the Church at all. No, this is more of a warning to you and to me... the members, the 'regular attenders' or even the visitors. I think many of us have been 'institutionalized' by attending church and completely losing sight of what it mean to actually 'live like Christ'. I'm not sure that many of us have a faith that goes far beyond those walls. (I'm speaking pretty hard to me here) I'm not sure that we really could 'make it' on the outside of those walls. Brooks felt he had nothing to offer the outside because he had spent most of his life inside the walls of Shawshank.

You are more than the building you go to. You are more than what the people in that building think of you. You are more than a program or a song. You are more than the sins you've committed and you are more than simply a number on an attendance sheet. You are 'the church'. You are it's body, it's life. You are the very message of love and hope that so many need to see and hear... The many that are 'outside' the walls you worship behind. I often hear and I've often said, 'man, I really have trouble getting up and going to church'. I think the problem is a different one-- I think we have a problem getting up and getting out of church. I think many of us are 'institutionalized'.

The Grapefruit and The Caramel Popcorn

It's funny when certain things come to us. I don't mean just the random, everyday things like where we decide to go eat or which 'off-brand' can of corn to buy. I mean the deeper things; the things that move us closer to each other and closer to God. You know, those 'moments'.

I recently had a conversation with my friend Seth. It was one of those late night brand of talks that often can take you into the wee hours of the morning and, in fact, it did just that with us. I believe I finally walked out of his side door at approximately 1:30 am. It was a great talk. We have had many talks that have been similar to that one for the better part of 20 years, but this one has stuck with me a bit longer than many. We shared things and heard things that may have not been our own voices if you get my meaning. Granted, at one point Seth said that if I were to ever utter any of these things that he and I were saying in a church, we would perhaps be burned at the stake and maybe he was right. But the one thing I will mention, without fear of being Bar-b-cued on the fine piece of wood that is our modern day church, is that God is still speaking and God is still moving.

Duh! You might be saying. Well, when I say God is still speaking, I think He is still speaking in the same ways that He spoke to Paul, John, Peter, etc. No, I'm not going to write an epistle but I do believe that the God I worship has not remained silent-I think we have grown deaf. I'm going to leave this alone for now, but I want you to think about a God that still moves and still speaks. Perhaps I'll finish this thought another day. Now, on to the Grapefruit and the Caramel Popcorn...

I've been reading a book of letters that CS Lewis wrote to various people throughout his amazing life. In reading these letters, those that have read any of his books can see where much of his writings (in a professional way) came from and the inspirations behind those writings. It has been a great read and I would encourage you to pick up a copy (Yours, Jack).

The other night I was called to work a yard job from 2300 (that's 11pm for you 9-5 folks) until whenever... turned out to be about 6am. We finished up the majority of our switching and the guy I was working with, and myself were sitting in the crew room eating our 'lunches'. I was reading a letter that CS Lewis wrote to his lifelong friend, Arthur Greeves. It covered many things but the bulk of the letter was about 'evil' and whether or not it could exist along side the 'goodness' of God. I won't do it justice, but I will pick out 'part' of what he says regarding how God uses evil, or better said, how we try to use evil to 'fill holes' that only God can fill with perfect good.

"Therefore God does really in a sense contain evil--i.e. contains what is the real motive power behind all our evil desires. He knows what we want, even in our vilest acts: He is longing to give it to us. He is not looking on from the outside at some new 'taste' or 'separate desire of our own'. Only because he has laid up real goods for us to desire are we able to go wrong by snatching them in greedy, misdirected ways. The truth is that evil is not a real thing at all, like God. It is simply good spoiled. That is why I say there can be good without evil, but no evil without good..... Evil is a parasite. It is there only because good is there for it to spoil and confuse."

Now, as I read these words I tried to take it in. 'Is Lewis saying that evil isn't real'? 'Is he saying that God created evil to show us how flawed we are?' But I think I made it too complicated and then something helped me formulate an analogy. Good is to Grapefruit as evil is to Carmel Popcorn. Surely you are asking why I chose these foods. Well, as I mentioned I was at work and my co-worker and I were killing some time and decided it was a good moment to take in some nourishment. I will give you 10 guess as to which one of us had the Grapefruit and the first 9 guesses don't count. That's correct, I DID NOT have a Grapefruit. I'm pretty sure that it is a fruit that is soon to be banned for public consumption. But I kid you not just as I read the words, 'It is simply good spoiled' I thought, 'Ah crap! I'm eating evil!'.

You see both of us had a desire for something good. Both of us were hungry. Both of us resorted to seeking out a product to fill this 'need' that we were experiencing at that moment. Both of our intentions were right and noble: God made us creatures that need food and we were simply following our Lord's design by seeking food. My co-worker chose a very 'good' source of food. There is no doubt of the healthiness and the out right juicy wonderment that is a grapefruit... it is, as God would say, Goooood. And then there's me. And my popcorn. A really freaking big bag of popcorn I might add. It was a 'Dillons card' purchase of $1.99. It was cheap, it was easy and it was coated in a sugary potion that seemed to force my right hand to continually enter it and withdraw these little bites of hell. As I looked at my sad, bag of corny goodness I felt bad because did it know that is was simply 'good spoiled'?

I know there are some really horrific things that happen to us and to people throughout the world. It's a much bigger situation than to simply quantify one side as 'Grapefruits' and the other side as 'Carmel Corn'. But in this analogy lies a truth: sometimes we really have the intentions of doing right but simply choose the wrong avenues to travel and the wrong materials to help fill our 'God-shaped' voids. We aren't necessarily bad people, but sometimes that is how evil works it's greatest power--in making 'good people' choose 'spoiled things'. It may be in what we wear, what we eat, what we drink, what we watch, etc. Sometimes we simply aren't being all that we were made to be because we are 'settling' for what's cheap and easy and tastes ooooooh so yummy.

There are Grapefruits and there are bags of Caramel Corn--both aimed at filling a need, but giving very different results.... choose wisely.

What is wrong with you people?

Christians I mean. Yeah, you... the ones sitting there going over, once again, what you think this verse or that verse means and how many people you can now send to hell based on your new found theology. I'm not holding punches in this post. I'm sick of you... all of you.

My blessed, little evangelical friends cannot seem to EVER get it or leave well enough alone. The new target-of-the-month? A book called 'The Shack' by William P Young. A great, somewhat disturbing book, about a guy that suffers a loss like no other and in his quest to heal meets up with God in a very unique way and in a very unique place. 'The Shack' has met surprising success in the literary world and has sold over 1.1 million copies. Usually when this happens in the 'Christian' world, criticism usually follows such success. (unless your church now draws thousands of people, then it's 'all good') So what is the problem with this book about grace and healing? Mr. Young apparently is trying to send us all to hell with a 'warped' presentation of the Trinity--God, the Father- Jesus, the Son- and The Holy Spirit. Mind you, this wonderful word, trinity, is NEVER used in the Bible, but apparently Mr. Young must now be called out in public by 'really hip' and 'really young' new breeds of pastors that can release their ill-conceived rants on youtube for one and all to see and hear. I believe in the concept of the Trinity, but I get a real kick out of the millions that have tried to explain it and can't seem to agree with each other on many of the finer points. Pretty solid doctrine there huh?

One of these great 'new stars' in the evangelical universe is Mr. Mark Driscoll. Oh, he's an impressive guy. He's a pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church (not the one Rob Bell started) in Seattle and has an adoring flock of about 6000 sheep. Mr. Driscoll's favorite word is heretic. He throws this word to William Young and even to the likes of Rob Bell. What's a heretic? Thanks for asking.

"Someone who disobeys or disbelieves fundamental tenets of a religion they claim to belong to; Of or pertaining to heresy or heretics."

Another fun definition is

• a person who holds religious beliefs in conflict with the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church or
  
• a person who holds unorthodox opinions in any field (not merely religion)

From a USAtoday article, here is a blip about the controversy:

Albert Mohler, a leading theologian of the Southern Baptist Convention, which takes the Bible literally, trashes The Shack in his weekly radio show, calling it "deeply subversive," "scripturally incorrect" and downright "dangerous."

Says Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle: "If you haven't read The Shack, don't!"

(this by the way, is my favorite Driscoll quote. I mean let's make sure people don't read anything for themselves you dolt as not to possibly question your unshakable standing as knowing the complete truth of all theological banter)

Driscoll, whose multi-campus non-denominational church is packed with 6,000 people each weekend in the least-churched corner of the nation, says he is "horrified" by Young's book. He says "it misrepresents God. Young misses the big E on the eye chart."

I don't want to give the book away but Young presents the Godhead, or Trinity, in a very unique way. He has the main character, Mack, interact with them in a manner that catches some off guard and yet it is very moving to read the interactions that Mack has with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. People, this book IS NOT ABOUT THE TRINITY! This book is not a work of doctrine or theology, it is fiction....you know, NOT TRUE! However, to be fair, there are issues of doctrine and theology addressed as themes, conversations, and metaphors in the book. That is without dispute. I'm sure that Mr. Young may have a view of the Trinity that would be a bit different than the 'mainstream' thinking found roaming the halls of Evangelical thought. But so what? Again, you give me 10 pastors and I bet I can dig 8-9 , somewhat different, opinions regarding the doctrine.

The trinity is a major theme of the book. Again, this isn't in dispute. But it's the way God, in particular, is presented that has many, like Driscoll, so unnerved. Mark’s view has no tolerance for God the Father represented as a female (sorry to give that away), and he believes that to represent Him as a fictional character is making a graven image (Hey dill weed, ever read CS Lewis and a Lion named Aslan?) . Also, Mark’s doctrine strongly opposes a non-hierarchical understanding of the trinity.

According to him, those who accept the picture of God - Father, Son, and Spirit - described in the book The Shack are not thinking folks and are embracing a heretical doctrine. Are you kidding me? Driscoll actually thinks there are people that think, after reading The Shack, that God is a large black woman? Seriously? Really? Honestly? Did these same people vote for Al Franken?

If you haven't read this book then this blog is hitting you like me telling you all about a movie you haven't seen. Well, read the book. If you think it's garbage, fine. I have no problem with that. My problem is egomaniacs like Driscoll telling me that this or that is garbage and encouraging me not to look into it myself. I AM SO SICK of that brand of Christianity. I have fought that my whole life when it comes to music. I'm sure Mark would say that it's 'heretical' to play Van Halen for an alter call. Well guess what 'pastor'? I've done it and I'd do it again. Again, my problem isn't that Driscoll has a problem with the book. Fine. It's that he calls people heretics without ever meeting them and says that I'm, or anyone reading 'The Shack' isn't not sharp enough to figure out that the book is fiction and it may lead me to hell. Give me a break. I have soooooo many other things that would do that before this book would. :-)

Here's the conclusion of the USAtoday article and I love Young's comments:

Mohler, Driscoll and other evangelicals pick The Shack apart plank by plank.

No, God can't be a presented as a woman. No, the three parts of the Trinity did not all become fully human. Yes, there is a hierarchy in the Holy Trinity with God the Father in command. Yes, God will punish sin.

Young shrugs them off. Out there in America, where only three in 10 people attend weekly worship services and millions are ignorant of the Bible, his readers struggle to find a good God amid their pain.

As for critics, he shakes his head.

"I don't want to enter the Ultimate Fighting ring and duke it out in a cage-match with dogmatists. I have no need to knock churches down or pull people out," he says.

"I have a lot of freedom by knowing that you really experience God in relationships, wherever you are. It's fluid and dynamic, not cemented into an institution with a concrete foundation."

"But it's not about me. I have everything that matters, a free and open life full of love and empty of all secrets."

Well said sir. Well said.

People you may not like many things about popular culture or even things found trolling around in Christian book stores, that's fine. What needs to stop, or at least have the brakes applied to it to slow it down, is this constant drumbeat of 'well meaning Christians' screaming SINNER!!!! or HERETIC!!!! Enough already. Haven't we sent enough people to hell by not simply modeling what Jesus wanted of us in regards to widows and orphans? Have we not already been heretics by watching people around us struggle and suffer and yet we spend $70,000 on a new Church sign? I dare say that millions will come to better understand the grace of God by reading 'The Shack'. If that be the work of a heretic then SIGN ME UP!

I'm glad William (Paul) Young wrote 'The Shack'. I'm glad it made me think. I'm glad it made me feel something that I hadn't felt in a while. I'm glad 'thinking people' can discuss the book without issuing tickets for hell. I'm glad that my God isn't above searches and isn't above questions. I'm glad my God welcomes those that wish to express and explore and not simply 'accept' the alms fed to the masses.

___________________________________________________________________

I challenge all of you to something: Give more away this Christmas than you spend on yourself or your own family. Have some sort of interaction with someone this Christmas that has far less than you. I know we can all give to this charity or that charity and that is a good thing. But I want you to think about actually handing something to someone directly and telling them that they are being thought of in a special way. I will fire up the 'Elpis Van' (my minivan) and hit downtown on some cold nights and hand out gloves and blankets. Come join us. Find a family close to you that isn't going to have much for Thanksgiving or Christmas and do something for them. I'm tired people. I'm tired of disussing this verse and that verse coupled with this wing of dogma vs. that tree of theology. I'm tired of worrying about whether I'll ever be 'good enough' to let God love me or even to love myself. I'm tired. I just want to see myself and others around me help each other and love each other. You know, 'widows and orphans'. You know, 'do unto others'. You know, 'Love your neighbor'. I'm pretty sure Jesus never said, 'don't screw up the doctrine of the Trinity or there'll be hell to pay'. Pastors, lead your flock to the truth. Don't 'become' their truth.

Why parents matter

I could make this a really long blog that would point out more obvious things than a Presidential debate, but I'll keep it fairly short because the point SHOULD be so clear that I should have no need of repeating it... but I will.

Parents matter. I did not grow up in a broken home but in my life I have been able to witness the effects of broken homes on kids from all walks of life. From Texas to Kansas, white kids to black kids to hispanic kids, rich kids to poor kids.... I worked with a wide variety to say the least. I can easily say that 99% of these kids came from a broken home. They were either being raised by a mom, a dad or in many cases the Grandparents were being called on to help out. Most of the kids I worked with were boys and most of these boys were either in, or nearing membership in a gang of some kind. All of these kids were broken and in most cases, their lives had spun out of control through no fault of their own. Sure, many of them made stupid choices and couldn't see beyond their own pain to make better decisions. But the act that got that ball rolling was usually a parent, or two, deciding that they couldn't make it together and in some cases, couldn't make it as parents period.

My son just had a bit of a crying session this morning. I barked at him a bit because I thought he and the other kids were fighting about toys. Konnie came down afterwards and let me know that it wasn't toys they were fighting about, it was heaven. Apparently somehow the topic of dying came up and one of the kids that stays with us during the day said, 'when you go to heaven you live there forever.' Kenyon, who is 5, said 'but after 3 days you get to come home again'. He was getting parts of the story confused. When it was made clear to him that you do not get to come home again, he started crying. When pressed about this by Konnie, he simply said, 'I don't want to be without you and dad, I want to be able to come home.' Damn that kid is sweet.

It reminded me that parents matter. We get caught up in so many other things in our lives; bills, job, 401(k) plans, fighting about this and that, worrying about those things over there. Sometimes we lose focus. I found this article by Kerby Anderson. It's located at http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/broken.html
Here's a quote from it:

Families are the bedrock of society. When families fall apart, society falls into social and cultural decline. Ultimately the breakdown of the American family is at the root of nearly every other social problem and pathology.
Just a few decades ago, most children in America grew up in intact, two-parent families. Today, children who do so are a minority. Illegitimacy, divorce, and other lifestyle choices have radically altered the American family, and thus have altered the social landscape.
Karl Zinsmeister of the American Enterprise Institute has said, "There is a mountain of scientific evidence showing that when families disintegrate, children often end up with intellectual, physical and emotional scars that persist for life." He continues, "We talk about the drug crisis, the education crisis, and the problem of teen pregnancy and juvenile crime. But all these ills trace back predominantly to one source: broken families."

Recently Konnie and I have been a part of a small group that is part church affliated and part our own creation. It's part of 'Elpis Church' (see family site for details). We have decided in this group that we want to do things for people in need. Konnie had a friend that had recently been going through some difficult times and found herself alone with her 5 kids to care for. We went over, as a group, to her house to help her out with some things that needed to be done. As we worked around the house, the 5 children were checking us out and I'm sure they were wondering 'what are these people doing here'. Really beautiful kids. As a couple of us were painting the steps that led to the back yard it was getting close to nightfall and we had been there for over an hour. As we painted I heard the youngest child crying. Then I heard her broken little voice saying, 'I want my daddy.... I want my daddy.' I don't need to tell you how hard that was to hear. I don't need to tell you how a little heart cries out for it's mom or dad. I don't need to tell you because you've heard it haven't you? You know that voice and you know that cry.

So I will now cuss at you and me. Parents, it is time to get your (our) crap together. It is time for you to quit whinning about where you thought life would take you and relish the place you are now. It is time answer the cry of that little girl. When the cry comes saying 'I miss my daddy', Dads, it's time to answer with 'I'm right here honey'. Moms, when that little boy says he doesn't want to be without you he isn't kidding and it's time for you to answer, 'Baby, I'll always be here'. Nobody winds up with the marriage they thought they were getting. People change and circumstances change. But I want to challange all of you with kids to lesson your focus on yourself and increase the attention on your kids. I need to work on this and I hope that you will join me in surrounding our kids with a hedge of love that is unbreakable. I remember a line from the movie 'The Crow': 'Mother is the word for God on the lips of every child'. You matter. Your choices matter. Your lack of choices matters. Why? Because what matters the most is the impact you are and will have on these beautiful kids.

When a train blows up

When a train blows up, it changes things. As many of you know, Union Pacific lost some great men in the last couple of weeks. Richard Pendarvis (whom I knew) and Larry Williams (whom I did not know) of Oklahoma were killed August 31st when a train they took from Wichita, heading to Oklahoma, hit a propane truck killing both of them and the driver of the propane truck. Ironically, the driver of the truck was a former conductor on the Rock Island railroad; you would think he'd know better. Here is a photo of the engine that Pendarvis and Williams were on.


I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, they died in a fiery explosion that is the fear of every railroader riding a train. The scary thing for us is they did nothing wrong. They were simply going about their business, running things how they should be run. The truck pulled out in front of them after having just loaded his truck with propane. He apparently didn't even look because it was a clear day and you could see down the rail for miles. It was also the driver's first solo run.

I never handle things like this very well. I tend to empathize with people maybe a bit too much during tragic events and lose the ability to remove myself from the event. It didn't help that 2 days later we lost a man that worked in Wichita and was a mentor to many of us in Wichita. John Wylie died September 2nd at his farm from a freak accident. He was a quiet man that led by deed, not just word. He was very laid back and a pleasure to work with.

Crap happens doesn't it? I mean, everyday people are lost from this earth through no fault of their own. The phrase 'wrong place at the wrong time' just doesn't seem to do justice to it but it is the reality of it. I've cried a lot the last 2 weeks, but not just about this. I wondered what plans these men all had. Did they have their 401k plans high enough to retire on? Did they have trips planned that they hadn't been able to do yet? Did they have kids they had not talked to in awhile? Did they have friends they had been meaning to call, but just didn't get around to it?

I want to propose something to you. I want to propose 'The Pendarvis Rule'. I named it that not only because I knew Richard Pendarvis but he also has a fun last name to say. My friend 'Johnny Train' (who I mentioned in another blog) used to love saying his name; drawing it out nice and long--- Pendaaaaaaaaaaarvis. Here's the rule: quit putting things off. If there is something you want to do, do it. If there is something you need to say to someone you love, say it. If there is somewhere you need to go, go there. If there is something you've done that needs 'cleaned up', then clean it up. If you want to go to school, go. If you want to quit your job and try something else, then do it. Granted, your bills, like my bills, my not allow for such freedom but I think you get the basic idea.

The writer in Ecclesiastes 11:6-8 gets it right when he says,

6 Go to work in the morning
and stick to it until evening without watching the clock.
You never know from moment to moment
how your work will turn out in the end.

Before the Years Take Their Toll

7-8 Oh, how sweet the light of day,
And how wonderful to live in the sunshine!
Even if you live a long time, don't take a single day for granted.
Take delight in each light-filled hour,
Remembering that there will also be many dark days
And that most of what comes your way is smoke.

I'm not sure how good I will be at this. I tend to 'wait' or 'fear what might happen' but I do know that life is short, too short.

I know every routine those men went through on that fateful day; I do them every time I'm at work and on a train. I know the things you think. I know the conversations they were having. It's almost like I was there; all of us railroaders have been there. I'm sure they made calls telling loved ones where they were and what time they'd be home. I'm sure they had plans.... and this sounds cliche and pardon the pun, but those plans literally went up in smoke in the flash of an eye. Based on the reports I've read, they had about 10 seconds to know they were in serious trouble. They tried to make a run for it out the back door but the blast was simply too great. It blew part of the tank on the truck over 1/2 mile away. Our friends were found in the ditch next to the rail.

'The Pendarvis Rule' simply reminds us all that we aren't guaranteed a single moment more on this earth and with this life. I've blown so many chances to do so many things but I've also filled my life with great memories by doing things that weren't always 'planned'. Enjoy your lives. Quit brooding over all that you don't have and simply bask in the glory of all you have been given. Quit fighting with your spouse. Get over it already. Quit forcing your kids to do things they don't want to do; love them. Quit harping about the past and start milking the present for all it's bloody worth.

I got a notice in the mail the other day about how my 401k is doing. I simply smiled and threw it away. Rest in peace John, Larry and Richard.

But now....

I was reading my bible the other day and, as often happens, I stumbled on something that I wasn't sure if I had ever read. Or if I had read it, it never took hold the way it did this day. I have struggled with something in my life and I'm currently struggling with this same issue as I see it in others' behavior in the church. That thing, or issue, is judgment. You know the sanctimonious type of judgment that essentially says to someone or even to yourself, 'you have offended me and you are no longer worthy of my love or respect. I must shun you now until you learn your lesson'. I bet you are thinking that that quote actually sounds harsher than the simple word judgment.

What is judgment? There are basically two occasions in which the bible talks about judgment. One we are to do and one we are not to do. There is a righteous kind of judgment we are supposed to exercise—with careful discernment (John 7:24). When Jesus told us not to judge (Matthew 7:1), He was telling us not to judge hypocritically. Matthew 7:2-5 declares, "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"

It's my opinion that unless you have the first one figured out, you need to be very wary of the second one. What I'm starting to hear among the faithful is that they now have the ability to confront others on their sins because they are able to discern when to 'judge' the sins of others as opposed to confronting the sin in their own life and keeping balance between the two. Granted, there are times that sins have to be confronted and other's actions should be questioned. Frankly, I think very few of us have figured out how to balance judment, but if you have, good for you. I guess my point isn't that we shouldn't confront sin, but it's how we confront it and how we shoul keeping check our intentions in bringing up the sins of others.

I said to start this that it was something I have always struggled with. I come across as very judgmental when it comes to the sins of others. But I'm also very judgmental when it comes to those that think it's their duty to mention the sins of others. In other words, I can do it, but you can't. So I have been looking for some answers to this. How does God judge? How does He want us to judge; both our sins and the sins of others?

The verse I read was Acts 26: 12-16

12-14"One day on my way to Damascus, armed as always with papers from the high priests authorizing my action, right in the middle of the day a blaze of light, light outshining the sun, poured out of the sky on me and my companions. Oh, King, it was so bright! We fell flat on our faces. Then I heard a voice in Hebrew: 'Saul, Saul, why are you out to get me? Why do you insist on going against the grain?'

15-16"I said, 'Who are you, Master?'

"The voice answered, 'I am Jesus, the One you're hunting down like an animal. But now, up on your feet—I have a job for you. I've handpicked you to be a servant and witness to what's happened today, and to what I am going to show you.

Doesn't seem like much of a verse really except that this is the moment when the guy that wrote most of the New Testament became a believer. So, it was kind of a big deal. Now this was part of Saul, now Paul's, testimony to King Agrippa. He was explaining to the king how he got where he was and the things he had done. What did Paul do while he was still Saul? Here's what he says earlier in the chapter.

9-11"I admit that I didn't always hold to this position. For a time I thought it was my duty to oppose this Jesus of Nazareth with all my might. Backed with the full authority of the high priests, I threw these believers—I had no idea they were God's people!—into the Jerusalem jail right and left, and whenever it came to a vote, I voted for their execution. I stormed through their meeting places, bullying them into cursing Jesus, a one-man terror obsessed with obliterating these people. And then I started on the towns outside Jerusalem.

What struck me as I read through these verses was the manner in which God dealt with Saul regarding his sin. After knocking him to his knees he questions him in a manner that basically says, 'dude, what is your deal'? Saul naturally asks, 'what are you talking about and who are you'. God says, 'I'm the one your jacking with'. Now, I would think this would be a great time for God to really lower the boom on Saul. I mean he could go through the whole list of things that Saul has done to spite Him and mock Him and even kill those who believe in Him and let Saul know that it was wrong and he's no longer able to associate with God. But this doesn't happen. I almost read a pause after Jesus says, 'I am Jesus, the One you're hunting down like an animal'. There had to be a pause and let that soak in a bit for Saul.

Has your bluff ever been called? Have you ever bitten off more than you can handle? Saul did. I'm sure he was on his knees going, 'oh crap. This isn't how I thought this would go. He's going to kill me and that will be that.' But no. Jesus says, 'But NOW, up on your feet- I have a job for you.' Saul had to be saying, 'what? that's it?' (in the actual story found earlier in Acts, Saul is blind for 3 days, so there is a bit more to the story). Notice the verse later where Paul says,

"What could I do, King Agrippa? I couldn't just walk away from a vision like that! I became an obedient believer on the spot. I started preaching this life-change—this radical turn to God and everything it meant in everyday life—right there in Damascus, went on to Jerusalem and the surrounding countryside, and from there to the whole world.

That phrase has stuck with me now for 3 weeks. 'But NOW, up on your feet- I have a job for you'. I have taken that as Jesus saying, 'THAT part of your life is over and we've talked about it.... time to move on big boy and do something for me.'

We don't handle the sins of others with such grace do we? Oh no. We must remind them constantly of how they wronged us or others. It's not enough to say, 'hey what's up with that?' And after it's been confessed or dealt with, to simply move on and love them or yourself just seems 'too easy'. Surely they must kiss my hand or mow my yard or pay me some money or..... something. We can't just say 'Hey, that was then, this is now.... let's move on'. You messed up but it's all good now.''

I'm probably way off base in how I'm reading this but you know what? I don't care. I'm at a point in my life where I need to be able to hear Jesus say, 'But NOW, up on your feet- I have a job for you.' I'm at a point where the things I've done and the mistakes I've made need to be left on the Damascus road and I need to move on to whatever God has for me. I've wronged Him and I've wronged others and even myself in the past; time to move on. Have you been wronged? Have you watched someone sin and just thought it was your job to point it out to them? Be careful with that. You may find yourself on a road one day and this Jesus fella knocks you to your knees and asks you to look at Him and yourself, no one else. It's amazing what a little grace shown can do for someone.

Make sure you hear what He has for you. He gives you the opportunity to admit what you've done, confront it and then leave it behind and move on to 'the job' that lies ahead. That's good news people... that is the Gospel.

The 'F' word

I know what you're thinking, especially those of you that may know me 'too' well. No, I'm not going to write about THE 'f' word or the art of cursing. I probably could spend some time on the matter but why abash myself more than I have already in the past? No, I have an even more important 'f' word on my mind these days. This word, in fact, is so important to me right now that I'm getting very close to saying that the entirety of the Christian faith and of your personal faith hinges on this word. This is going to be a long blog; a preachy blog. It will have the feel of a coach talking to a team at halftime that is underachieving, ignoring the playbook, fighting amongst each other and getting their butts handed to them by the other team. It is a speech that will focus on one word and one word only: Forgiveness.

I struggle with forgiveness. If you knew the level of resentment that I am capable of holding inside me towards others that I feel have either wronged me or wronged those around me, you would rightfully think a bit lower of me. This blog is part confession and part challenge and part butt chewing. I've never been very afraid of pointing out what I think are problems in the Church. Now this isn't because I think I'm above these same problems. Hardly! I readily admit to being a part of the problem and not very helpful on the solution side. When I was a pastor I would occasionally put a large mirror on the front pew just so that I could see myself; as a reminder that I was never above any sermon. I need to hear my own words at times.

Church, we have a problem.

Christians, you and I have a serious problem. As I said before I think the subject of forgiveness is so great that your very faith could hang in the balance. I have grown utterly disgusted with the level of forgiveness that you all offer each other and that I offer you. I am saddened to an equal degree to the level of forgiveness that we even offer ourselves. You see, one of my points is going to be that you simply CANNOT forgive others in a right manner if you haven't learned to forgive yourself and accept God's forgiveness for your sometimes inane behavior. We spend so much time beating ourselves up for things that we have done or said that we simply do not have the time, patience or energy to properly forgive others when they honestly seek peace and reconciliation. I'm growing sick of it. I'm growing sick of me.

I'm going to quote 2 sources: The Bible and CS Lewis. From my perspective those 2 sources should end all debate and question on this matter. If you feel the need to argue with either of them, then you may as well go hunting for purple elephants because you have officially left for crazy town. I will use 'the message' translation of the New Testament and it will read a little more 'modern' than some of you are used to.There are two great commandments in the Bible: Love God, Love People. I went to a local church near Goddard that is really growing in the city. They have a unique ministry style and worship service and recently they started a series called 'LGLP'. Love God, Love People. Granted they aren't quite as cutting edge as they think they are and they may throw their collective shoulders out patting themselves on the back, but I appreciate the heart of what they do. It's pretty much senior high camp on steroids but I think they are doing good things and they are appealing to a lot of needy people and that's never a bad thing. Anyway, during the message kicking off this series this verse was quoted: Matthew 22: 36-40

Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them."

Everything hangs from them. But when you hang something it has to have a base, a foundation. Hang a picture on a wall and you will usually want to find a stud to anchor that picture to and keep it from falling. In my opinion, forgiveness is that stud, that anchor on which the pegs of love God, love people hang from. If you do not have forgiveness as your anchor, then the 2 great 'pegs' of the law will fall and not be able to withstand any weight.
I don't think Jesus could be any clearer than He was about how important forgiveness is. I Mark he says,

"That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything. And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins."

Did you catch that? ONLY then will your heavenly Father be incline to also wipe your slate clean of sins. If you can't forgive someone, then your very soul is on the line; it's that big of a deal.
Is there a limit to forgiveness? Hardly! The words limit and forgiveness are incongruous. In Matthew 18 is this exchange between Jesus and his disciples:

"Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there."At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?"Jesus replied, "Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven."

People, I cannot express how sick I am of a church, a people, myself, that simply have chosen to read every book under the sun about peace, love, church growth, temperance, addiction, 5 step plans, 10 step plans, 12 step plans, etc. I was in 'Barnes and Nobles' the other day with my friend Seth and we were standing in the 'Christianity' section. Right next to it was the 'self help' section and next to that was the 'psychology' section. I almost passed out trying to quickly take in all the titles of books that had 'the answers'. The answers to what? Well, I guess the answers on being happy, content, free from addiction, free from sin, free from hate, free from food, free from love, free from self responsibility, free from dogma... free, free, free, free! Do you realize that until you learn the art and power of forgiveness you will be free from NOTHING! Self hate, self loathing and self abuse are at the core of why people want to read books that seek to 'free you'. Want to know how important forgiveness is? What was is that Jesus had to do in order to bridge the gap our sins had made with God? He had to DIE! And before that, be beaten to a bloody pulp by so called 'religious people and leaders'. That's how important it was and is. You must forgive each other and you must forgive yourself.

CS Lewis' thoughts on forgiveness have always blown me away. No one wrote like Lewis on matters of faith. Read these quotes..... I said READ them. Drink them in with every bit of your spiteful little souls. :-) This is long but it is so important for all of us to 'get it' and 'get it' right now. You are killing yourselves and each other with the stealth blows of resentment and bitterness.

"…If you don’t forgive you will not be forgiven. No part of His teaching is clearer, and there are no exceptions to it. He doesn’t say that we are to forgive other people’s sins provided they are not too frightful, or provided there are extenuating circumstances, or anything of that sort. We are to forgive them all, however spiteful, however mean, however often they are repeated. If we don’t, we shall be forgiven none of our own…"I find that when I think I am asking God to forgive me I am often…asking Him to do something quite different. I am asking Him not to forgive me but to excuse me. But there is all the difference in the world between forgiving and excusing. Forgiveness says, ‘Yes, you have done this thing, but I accept your apology; I will never hold it against you and everything between us will be exactly as it was before.’ But excusing says, ‘I see that you couldn’t help it or didn’t mean it; you weren’t really to blame.’ If one was not really to blame then there is nothing to forgive… what we call ‘asking God’s forgiveness’ very often really consists in asking God to accept our excuses… We are so very anxious to point these [‘extenuating circumstances’] out to God (and to ourselves) that we are apt to forget the really important thing; that is, the bit left over, the bit which the excuses don’t cover, the bit which is inexcusable but not, thank God, unforgivable. And if we forget this, we shall go away imagining that we have repented and been forgiven when all that has really happened is that we have satisfied ourselves with our own excuses…
"Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it. That, and only that, is forgiveness, and that we can always have from God if we ask for it."When it comes to a question of our forgiving other people…here also, forgiving does not mean excusing. Many people…think that if you ask them to forgive someone who has cheated or bullied them you are trying to make out that there was really no cheating or no bullying. But if that were so, there would be nothing to forgive. They keep on replying, ‘But I tell you the man broke a most solemn promise.’ Exactly: that is precisely what you have to forgive. (This doesn’t mean that you must necessarily believe his next promise. It does mean that you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart—every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out.)… In our own case we accept excuses too easily; in other people’s we do not accept them easily enough… To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single great injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life—to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son—how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night, ‘forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.’ We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions, and God means what He says."

Tell me that doesn't hit the nail on it's narrow, little head. 'To be a CHRISTIAN means to FORGIVE the INEXCUSABLE' Why? 'Because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you'. Dear Lord in heaven people can you possibly wrap your judgemental, little, tractable minds around that concept? Can I? I am so mean to people that I find serious fault with. I mean, if it were up to me the Carr brothers from Wichita that murdered 5 people several years ago would be dead like yesterday. If it were up to me the girls that beat their friend and video tapped it for youtube would never see freedom again until they were about 40. You don't even want to know the crap I can't forgive myself for.

There are two sentences that as I read the words of Jesus, will be said on the day of judgement: 'Well done good and faithful servant' or 'Depart from me, I never knew you'. What are the odds of us hearing 'well done' when we harbor such feelings towards others? I'm all for justice and consequences. So, when I speak of the unspeakable horrors of the Carr brothers I'm not saying they walk free and clear simply because they want forgiveness. No, they have a price to pay for the evil they unleashed on this town a few years ago. But am I allowed to hate them? Am I allowed to remind them of their crimes daily and pretend that I am sinless? I'm afraid not.
Is it not amazing that Jesus suffered and died so that we might have the freedom that forgiveness gives? Is it not more amazing that we mock it, misuse it and abuse it? To forgive is to live. I know that sounds like Johnnie Cochran but it's true. It is truly amazing that sinful little worms like us are offered the chance to be 'right' with a Perfect God. A God that so loves us that he suffered all and lost all so that your sins could be forgiven. And you're telling me that you are going to put conditions on forgiving others or yourself?

This is a big deal to me right now. I don't care about light shows, children's programs, catchy road signs, 5 year plans, the new carpet in the hallway.... I care about forgiveness and how that relates to loving God and loving people. If this has found you in a bad place, I hope it helps you out of that place. If this offends you, forgive me. :-)
Believe me, you haven't been so wronged by someone that you can't offer them the same grace, love and forgiveness that God offers you. Granted some injuries are so painful that it may literally take a life time to forgive the deed and the person, but take heart, God is right there with you and has already worked it out. Give it to Him and learn how to truly live free.

Youtube, Mariah, the Government and the big, 'ole church on the corner

People, we have lost our way and lost our focus. I know, 'another negative blog'. But more than just being negative I'm hoping to ask some questions of our great land and of our people: Have you lost your way? Do you know your history? Does being pleasant and decent mean anything any more? Are you more concerned with truth or image?

I have been watching the HBO mini-series on John Adams. One of our founding fathers and 2nd President, Mr. Adams was a remarkable man, in a remarkable time. To watch this show and see what it was like for our founders that argued for and against Independence from Great Britain has been inspiring and yet depressing. So much of their mistakes then are the same ones we make now. Yet, so much of their greatness is in very little of today's government. We still make the same mistakes, but we have none of their greatness. We fight now because of a (D) or an (R) before one's name. We fight now because someone associated with a large company said, 'go fight'. We fight now because we seriously 'hate' many that don't agree with us. We fight now, not as representatives of a people, but as egotists in search of headlines. What was once done for the betterment of millions in the future we now ignore for the profit of the present. Our government has lost it's way. They have lost focus.

Our kids. Children have always been curious and bearers of great joy to parents as well as bearers of great stress and grief. It used to be that children not only were expected to treat their parents with respect, but each other as well. Sure, they argued and fought but they were called down on it and taught a better way. It used to be that children would explore, read and create from their own minds. Now they have things created for them and lazily sit around waiting for something new to show up after the newest thing has worn off. Now they video tape each other doing horrible things to each other and post them on youtube for each other to revel in. Now there is little understanding or little care for their history. Now they kill each other if they are found with the wrong color on or flash the wrong sign. Our kids are losing their way. They have lost focus. But I wonder if it's because the parents lost theirs first?

Our worship. It used to be that people would seek God and wait to hear from Him. It used to be that people would share with each other all they had and care for the widows and orphans. It used to be that no one person was looked to for divine knowledge. It used to be that people met wherever they could; as often as they could to meditate and speak on the things of God. Now, we build big, ole buildings that are used about as often as I use an 'Ab lounge'. We pay people to tell us what to think, what to pray and how to dress. Now we listen to one voice and silence our own. We argue about songs and about carpet. We argue about meeting times and how much to pay the person we want to speak. The widows haven't changed. The orphans haven't changed. God hasn't changed. We've lost focus.

So much of our problem can be summed up by Mariah Carey on 'American Idol'. Huh? Yes, I will make the analogy whether you like it or not. Know this, I like to listen to her sing. She has an amazing voice and great talent for song. But she symbolizes so much of what's wrong with Government, kids, the Church.... all of us. Here's a snip it about what she did and how she acted while helping to mentor potential singers on the Fox show 'American Idol'.

Mariah Carey made her way to the FOX lot on Wednesday afternoon as the guest mentor on "American Idol." And true to her rep, our girl was quite the diva. Donning a (typical) tight-fitting outfit, Mariah worked the press area backstage — but it took a little longer than expected. Tech and camera guys apparently were made to put in the extra effort putting up lights and having them angled perfectly, with Carey's people "double checking" that she was positioned perfectly at all times. "We had to re shoot one of the questions," one cameraman told Tarts. "I had to change the lighting and alter the position and do it again because we went off angle slightly. She has a director of photography with her at all times and can only be shot from the waist up."
Well, when you are a multimillion-dollar music mogul, you do have a little authority in demanding your best angle, right? However, Maz did lose quite a few fans on Thursday night when she decided to turn up two hours late to an album-signing at Universal City.
"She strolled in with sunglasses on when it was nighttime and by that point a lot of people got fed up and had left," a photographer told Tarts. "It was ridiculous."

We want everything shot from the 'waist up' as a people, as a country and as a church. We don't want people to see us 'out of position' or see the 'imperfections'. We want things on our time-table, giving little regard to those who are expecting things from us or that need things from us. We are simply bigger than the moment; bigger than those in our care. Our politicians want 'waist up' shots. Our kids only care about 'waist up' shots. As parents we highlight 'waist up' shots. And even as a Church we want 'waist up' shots; hiding the nasty, ugly parts of our sinful natures. You know what? The world is getting fed up and they are leaving for something else.

I don't mean to paint with such a broad brush and throw out the baby for the bath water. I don't intend to only highlight the negative when our country, our kids, our churches do much good that should be mentioned. I don't mean to make you think that I'm somehow above this because I certainly am not. We all have 'director's of photography' haunting us and watching our every move. We all want to be seen 'in a good light'. Yet it has led us to doing many dark things. No, I only mean to point the camera down a bit and say to everyone....'focus down there for a bit because I think we may be losing our way.' We all look good from a certain point of view. But the law of give-and-take suggests that from some points-of-view we are hideous indeed and are in need of refocusing and focusing on the proper places.

Say cheese.....

What would that look like?

It's been awhile since I've blogged about anything that has been rambling around in the vacuous space that is my head. But I've recently been hit with some thoughts and thought I would like to share them with you, my little minions of webdom.

I've been asking a question of myself and others lately: What would that look like? Here's some of the settings in which I ask this question. I have not been very happy with my spiritual life in the past few years. I 'like' the church we go to but I don't 'love' it. I often find myself only wanting to go to Sunday School, because I enjoy the interaction, and wanting to skip the service all together. The reason? Probably arrogance. There is some apathy thrown in with an undercoating of boredom. I'm just not excited by 'the same old thing' right now. So, I have asked myself and others around me that complain about church, 'what would a happy spiritual life look like for you?' In other words, if you could draw a picture of you being content with your spiritual life, what's that going to look like? Is there fellowship, music, guitars, food, etc.? I wonder if you'd be there even if it had what you say you wanted.

In politics I have been asking all the candidates and others the same question. I heard Jesse Jackson babbling on about race the other day and while I think racism is a problem (a major one) I wanted to ask Jesse, 'what does a 'raceless' country look like to you?' 'how do things look in your mind so that you would no longer have anything to spout on about?' Can you ever truly have a raceless world? For our Presidential candidates there are about a thousand different areas that you could ask this question. So, it's all Bush's fault ok, we get that .... what's your American look like? Will that make all Americans happy or just those that support you? What does Iraq look like if we leave? Are you sure? Can we afford your programs? Do you care? What does a 'happy' America look like?

Marriage. For those of us that complain about it ad nauseum I ask, 'what does a 'great' marriage look like? Now, before you answer that you have to ask, 'will you answer be the same as your spouses?' I doubt it. You may want more space, more free time. You may want a day without kids. Your spouse may want more time with you, less free time without you. Maybe you want more sex (yes, that is a husband's answer 100% of the time) but does she? Maybe she wants more say in the money.... is that good for you? Maybe she'd have sex if you go to church. Maybe you can't be please and neither can she. What's it really look like in the windows of your mind?

I think this is the problem: we don't have a clue what we want. We only know what we have and what we have, we find problems with and reasons to complain. We say 'if only' because it gives us an out for being miserable and bringing most of that stress and misery on ourselves. You can blame God if you want; you're certainly not original in that. Things are never good enough for those that simply don't want things to be good enough. For the life of me I think I only know about 5 content people on this planet. No, I'm not one of them. I'm head of the complain-about-everything department. It's a very rare thing to run across someone who is just pretty happy to be alive. I know an engineer that I work with on the railroad that's like this. I call him 'Johnny Train'. He is the happiest human being I've ever known. I love working with Johnny. He goes to church and loves Jesus, but he likes to drink, play golf, see his kids, partied like a madman in his younger years, laugh , and you simply cannot be around him and be sad. He's 53 going on about 18. He's got something that everyone else I know, especially those of us that profess faith, simply don't have. He is 'in the moment' and doesn't care to lament about the past or worry that much about the future. His kids are happy, his wife is happy (though stressed from his energy) and life just couldn't be better. If you asked Johnny what would a happy life look like for him he would say, 'are you on crack? Look around man, I'm happy right now... it looks like this'.

I think the question has to change for all of us. It shouldn't be 'what would that look like'. It needs to be changed to a statement: THIS is what I look like. THIS is what my life is. THIS is where I am. THIS is what I AM doing. Somewhere within the tiny walls of our own lives, we need to redecorate things. We need an 'extreme makeover' in mind only. It's not that things are that bad, it's that we THINK they are and we THINK they could be better. You know why the value of the dollar is low? No, not Bush... it's because of 'worry'. Nothing that is fact based, simply investors that are so worried about the future that they are hurting the present. Did you catch that? So worried about everything that is outside of RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! So you didn't make all-state. So your wife/husband isn't what you thought. So work is tedious and you should have been this or that. So the day-to-day isn't what you thought it would be. Do something about it. Better yet..... enjoy it for what it is.

You know what, racism isn't going away, but you don't have to be a racist. The Iraq war may not end soon, but you can love your neighbor anyway. Your spouse may let you down or not be exactly what you had imagined, but that doesn't mean it still can't be great. Perhaps some change on your end would help. I want things to be different. I want to have a better spiritual life, I want to golf more, I want to work out, I want to be better with my finances, I want to learn a Van Halen song on guitar note for note.... you know who I have to talk to? MYSELF! It's all right here. My life IS great. The opportunities in front of me are there for the taking but it's my own laziness and lack of confidence that prohibits me from enjoying them. This blog is for me people. I'm usually still in a deep-blue funk that I can't seem to shake. I am still living 1988, 1994 and 1998 like it matters. I'm still regretting things that no longer have a hold on me other than the fact I can't seem to loosen my grip of them. They aren't holding me, I'm holding on to them.

So what's your world look like? It's not really that bad is it? And if it is, more than likely you have more power to change that than you will ever know. BE HAPPY! I know I can't do it, but I want you all to do it for me. :-) More on this later..... this is all too depressing.

Here's your Bible passage: Matthew 6: 25-33 (The Message translation)
25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

The God of silence

Another holiday season has come and gone and I couldn't be happier. Without going into long, gory details that are both personal and private, the holiday season is usually not always the happiest of times for my extended and immediate family. Once again this holiday season was filled with tension, lost hope and a sense of helplessness in regards to members of the family that have lost their way and may never get it back.

I don't mean to sound flippant about the situation but most holiday seasons are filled with me just simply wondering what family tragedy or accident awaits us this year. Now don't get me wrong, I love watching my two boys open Christmas presents. Seeing them happy is really all I want nowadays, so the holidays aren't all bad. But when news comes that yet again something has happened that brings my family to a point of asking 'why' or 'when will this stop' and those questions are covered with tears of sadness and frustration, I now know that it is time for a major change in my life.

I have been telling people that I now want to only approach people and situations with nothing but honesty. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone so I will watch how I say things when I can, but I am desperate to figure out what is going on and what has gone wrong spiritually for myself and for members of my family. You see, I am starting to see after having long wondered it, that most of the time God is silent when we think He should speak. No, He's not dead nor is he uninterested, He just doesn't respond to us, prayers and life the way we have been taught or the way we think He should respond.
Perhaps I'm using the wrong word by saying God is silent. I think what I really am learning is that 'God's will will be done'.

There are people that have been prayed for for decades. These prayers are offered up by people of great faith and belief. Yet, I know in my own family, it seems that these prayers really are more pleas for God to change in people what they refuse to change in themselves. In other words, 'God make so-and-so happy and full of love'. Then 'so-and-so' goes out and does everything they can to not to be happy and full of love. Was the prayer not heard? Was it simply answered with 'no'? Or has God's will for that person be inacted a long time ago and praying for it to be different is both useless and arrogant? Who are we to pray for people to be the way 'we' want them to be and yet cloak it in the guise of wanting 'God's will for them'?

Let's pause for a minute. I believe God loves us. I believe God has a plan for us. I believe that prayer is important. This isn't a diatribe into whether or not God exists but it's more of a reexamination of how can we exist in accepting who we are and who people are that surround us. It's a quest for truth and honesty. Instead of constantly thinking I'm living outside the will of God because I'm on the railroad and not a pastor, I would like to find out how to embrace this will of God that has me working for the railroad? Follow me? Instead of constantly thinking I shouldn't use words that other people think are 'bad', perhaps I ask, 'well, how will God use that in me in a good way?' Or maybe I just quit worrying about it and simply be the best me that He has allowed to live for 38 years. Of course we need to heed His words and 'quit sinning' but I wonder if that simply means praying 'your will be done' and then living the best we can at that moment. We are so desperate to change others and ourselves that inevitably we forget who we are and who they are.

I have recently been reading scripture in a different way. I've been reading it for exactly what it says and not reading it and saying, 'now how can I make this fit into my life and make me feel better'. I think God is an honest God. I think he says what he means and means what he says. I think he's laid out a plan for understanding who He is and how to pray. It's blunt. It's honest and it doesn't fit what we normally do.

In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it says: "I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear. Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That's how it always is with God."
The book of Ecclesiastes is great. It's not a book so much about God, but about us. It's about how as humans are always trying to fill up our lives with so much other stuff that we miss the basics. We get consumed with comfort and normalcy and end up with neither. It clears the air of our misconceptions about life and God and prepares us to a clean slate for Christ. When I read the book it says a lot about not worrying about what is supposed to happen and embrace what is happening. Fear God and do what he tells you but 'Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, so you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.'

Are you getting it? Sometimes things happen for no other reason than they were supposed to happen. You can pray all you want to understand it, but guess what? you may never understand it. Sometimes people just are the way they are. You can pray for them to change but guess what? they often don't. When we don't expect people to take an active role in their own transformations we are being as silly as expecting a car to turn into a watch. This is also true for your own life. Quit expecting others to 'do their part' in order to make your little world better. Maybe they just aren't going to love you or be who you think they should be. Maybe they aren't going to 'walk the line' you expect of them. Maybe they have simply accepted who they are better than you have accepted who they are. Those of you in bad marriages, quit waiting for your spouse to change and make it better. Quit waiting for God to change them. Accept what they are bringing to the marriage and who they are. You have to find your place in that and not 'will it from them'. That's God's job, not yours. Either you can live with it or you can't. Those of you with children that are not behaving as you wish. You can pray for them to change all you want but until they are active in their own change you might as well rub a lamp and hope for a magic genie to appear and make it all better.

When Job was being put through hell in an effort to see whether or not he would turn from God or turn to God, Job and his friends spend much of the book questioning the actions of God and the mind of God in such a way that I think we can all relate to it. They try and assign meaning to everything as if God does things for any reason we can actually figure out. Much like we try to figure out tornados and predict them, Job and his friends want to question God and figure him out and in some way be able to 'control' their lives better. God unleashes on Job and the friends in an amazing rant about who He is and what He can do. I won't type it all out here but here's some highlights:
Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me, since you know so much. Who decided on it's size? Certainly you'll know that!..... Have you ever ordered the morning to 'get up' and the dawn, 'get to work'?..... Can you catch the eye of the beautiful Pleiades sisters or distract Orion from his hunt?....... Do you presume to tell me that I'm doing wrong? Are you calling me a sinner so you can be a saint?........ Can you shout in thunder the way I can? Go ahead, show your stuff. Let's see what you're made of, what you can do.
Job then asks forgiveness and says, 'I'm convinced: You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans.'

I'm not trying to say that we are helpless in this life in choosing our own way and that we are merely robots in God's cosmic world. Hardly. What I'm saying is that we have a great freedom in this even though it doesn't seem like it. We can CHOOSE to accept what God has for us or we can CHOOSE to question him and beg him to CHANGE everything that we don't deem suitable. The freedom that I could find in my life by simply saying YOUR WILL BE DONE with me on the railroad would be liberating. The freedom that could be found in letting people be who they are and praying for them that God's will be done in their life would be liberating.

I am always fearful for my wife and kids' safety. I can't imagine life without them and so I often pray for their safety and protection. I think it's good to do this and that God hears it, BUT it certainly doesn't guarantee anything. What about those parents that lose kids everyday to murder, accidents or suicide? Were their prayers not heard and mine were? Are they less people because God protected my kids today but not theirs? Or was God's will simply done and it is up to us to figure out our role in that plan? These aren't easy questions to answer. I think I would just like for everyone to quit telling me what God can do..... I need to deal with what God has done and what He IS doing. I know that God CAN protect my kids. I also know that he may allow something to happen because it's a part of the plan. Can I deal with that? Can you?
Can we pray the prayer of Jesus the night before his crucifixion? Can we say 'My father if there is no other way than this, drinking this cup to the dregs, I'm ready. Do it your way'.

I'm becoming more convinced now that I'm in Goddard, KS for a reason. I think that I'm working for the railroad not because I've 'fallen from ministry' but because it's where I'm supposed to be. God seems silent to me at times simply because I'm doing all the talking. God seems silent to me in church because everyone else is clammoring about with building plans, class schedules and about how they are doing things differently. (I love how every church nowadays things they are the ones that are cutting edge and different. Whatever.) God seems silent in my family because we seem to have a repeating of problems and concerns that make me think every year is 1988. When will we just accept it for what it is and find our place in that and quit waiting for something to 'change'.

I will give you what Jesus says about prayer in the book of Matthew chapter 6. This is from 'The Message' translation.
5"And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat?
6"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.
7-13"The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this: Our Father in heaven, Reveal who you are. Set the world right; Do what's best— as above, so below. Keep us alive with three square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil. You're in charge! You can do anything you want! You're ablaze in beauty! Yes. Yes. Yes.
14-15"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part. Well that's the rub isn't it? Isn't that why we do what we do? What is our part? What role are we to play? What do we control and what do we merely have to accept?
Latter in Matthew Jesus says: 'Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need.'

What I need right now is peace. I need peace with myself and peace with those around me. I need to have peace that while I play an active part in God's plan, I don't write the script and I don't much of a say in the big picture of this production. I simply have to do the best I can with what I know. You can't fix yourself by trying to fix others. Sure, we are to 'help' others, but we aren't called on to 'fix' them. That's a job that God and God only has a say in.

God's not silent. He just hasn't been saying what I thought He should say. He hasn't been doing what I thought should be done. But as it turns out, I've been the one that hasn't been silent enough. I've gone on and on with God about what He 'should do' and what He 'could do' when I should have just sat in his presence and simply whispered, 'Thy will be done'. When something happens I want to be able to say, 'ok, this is the situation for what it is and what is my role to be in that situation.' I don't want to waste any more time or energy regretting the past and questioning God on what He's done with my life or someone else's life. It simply is what it is and 'thy will be done' with it.

What I learned in 2007

The end of the year is near and I'm sitting here trying to take some inventory and figure out what I've learned in the past 300 plus days. I'm sure I won't be able to list everything and some things I would probably rather not have the entire world know about, but I have come up with a list of things that I learned in 2007. These aren't in order of importance but just how they popped into my head.



1. The IRS is a pain and having to pay them even more money is a bigger pain. Do your taxes right because an extra $100 today could cost you a great deal more later.

2. I have never played guitar more than I have in the last 3 months and I really wish I would have done this when I was 17 and not 38. You actually do have to work at things to have success.

3. Sports are lessening in importance for me. After decades of broken remotes, thrown pillows and weeks of depression, I've come to realize that it may not matter who wins and loses. Once Tyler Hansbrough leaves UNC, I may be done with sports believe it or not.

4. I still enjoy a good Van Halen concert.

5. The Railroad is a good job but I would quit today if option B were available.

6. Good friends only get better the older you get.

7. My kids are growing so fast that I'm getting nervous about the teen years. How will I be as a father in that phase? The fact that we've all survived this far is great and somewhat surprising. :-)

8. I lack spiritual discipline but not opinon. At some point I need to embrace what I do believe and run with it.

9. I worked really hard this last year to be farther in debt.

10. Tigers really should be left alone and not messed with. Turns out that they will eat you and not even think twice about it. You evolutionists sure you want to stick with 'natural selection'?

11. Politics is like eating at McDonalds. You may have many choices, but in the end it's all junk.

12. The more Bush got blamed for everything, the more I grew to like him. Then again, he's far from 'conservative' so I'm glad he'll be heading to Crawford for retirement. But I do think he's made decisions that no one else would have had the guts to make. His quote of 'I don't really sit around and go, 'oh gosh, my poll numbers are down'....' was refreshing.

13. People can be told the truth but only experiencing it will truly change them.

14. My union got into bed so fast with Hillary Clinton that I knew they'd never be mistaken for Bill. Ok, that was my attempt at a joke.

15. I have a great wife and marriage. Even in the tense times, we are better together than we are apart. I would do well to live out life with her.

16. The moment you think life is normal and simple a large tornado can come and remove those silly notions. Appreciate what you have but don't worship it. Ecclesiastes says, 'On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad dad, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won't take anything for granted.' Did you catch that? Sometimes God is ok with you having a bad day.

17. Helping a neighbor is really a pretty good thing.

18. I had another procedure on my throat and I still can't swallow very well. You'd think at some point I'd loose weight.

19. I can't believe that I'm at an age I remember my parents being and thinking then that they were 'old'. I'm stuck at age 24 and I don't want to leave.

20. The 90's are now 'oldies'.

21. God willing I have another year coming in which to learn and progress in life. I wonder if I will list the same things next year?

Just in case?

So it's late on September 11th. No, I'm not going to blog about the Twin Towers or the Iraq/Afganistan war.

Actually I'm preoccupied with a bit of selfishness. Nothing unusual really for I spend a great deal of time thinking about things that effect me. In about 10 hours I am to report to the Wichita Clinic and undergo another endoscopy. This is a procedure that is supposed to help stretch my 'food pipe' and help me swallow bacon better. I'm not sure that's the only reason for the procedure but it's certainly a benefit. The problem is, it's the same procedure I had in 2002 (and several time before that year) that put me in intensive care for a week and just about killed me. (See 'My sweet, broken Jesus' blog)

I'm not even sure that I want to do this or need to do this. I mean I'm tired of choking on small amounts of food and not being able to swallow pills, but I'm not sure that inconvinence is worth the risk. My doctor (whose name I can't pronounce... why is that always the case?) says that the chance of tearing my esophogus again is only 1 in 4000. Yeah, but you see the last time I was the 'one' so forgive me if I throw up right before you knock me out.

Anyway, I thought I should right out some thoughts for the 'just in case'. I certainly don't want to jinx myself but the fact is I know that this whole life thing is in bigger hands than doctor whats-his-name. So when it's time, I guess it's just your time. But honestly God, I just bought the Van Halen tickets so I would like that to be considered. Wait, you may not be a fan so strike that and I'll sell the tickets right away. :-)

My life:
Love my parents
Love my wife
Love my kids.

Family truly is the best and sometimes hardest thing about being human. Do we experience more joy or heartache than with family? My parents gave me a great start. My wife gives me what I can only describe as the closest thing to perfect love one could give. And my little Roo and little Pooh give me more smiles, laughs and warm fuzzy moments than any other two little boys could give a dad. They are and always will be very special kids. (It's in the genes):-)

I have great friends. They aren't great in numbers (meeting new people is hard for me), but man are they there when I need them 'there'. Mess up royally. Make a total buffoon of yourself. Lose all self-respect. Make really horrible decisions. Watch all the crowd walk away. Then look around and see who's left. Those are your friends.

I loved living in North Carolina. Seriously, it should be done once by everyone. But I have really grown attatched to Kansas. The sunsets and the starry skies are well worth the price of admission. Blue Ridge Mountains, lighthouses, grassy plains.... nice.

I loved music. Oh do I love music. My biggest regret is and will be that I didn't pursure music with more devotion. But as I told my friend Seth one night as we were listening to Phil Keaggy: 'I guess I'm sad that I didn't practice for the last 25 years and can't play like that but I'm glad that when I hear it, I can appreciate just how good it is'. I never really focused on anything for too long--well, other than focusing on the fact that I could never focus. I was good at a lot of things but I feared greatness and I feared failure. Young people, fear neither. The biggest regret is really just a bunch of big regrets.

God has blessed me. Even if this were my last night, could I complain? No. He has given me more than I ever dreamed of; much of which I don't deserve. He has gifted me and like all good dads, allows me to not use my gifts as well as I should and just loves me anyway. It's too bad that the story of our relationship with him on earth as people has been one of so much rebellion, hate, death and sorrow. The only comfort is in the ending. So, if it ends it really begins. (someone make sure that gets in a quote book ok?)

Do I fear death? Duh! Of course I do. Not so much because I'll have a clue as to what's happening but mainly because I know what death does to those of us 'left behind'. So, to all of you (if the scope does slip and I go night, night) get over me soon. :-) Seriously, play some great music at my service, tell some funny stories and eat some Barbeque. There is more to bother about than my exit. God is good, but He was pretty clear about the death thing: it comes to us all. I have loved well and been loved even better.

There, that's it. Even if things go fine and I email everyone with 'hey, I can eat bacon with less effort' I think it's good to do some reflecting once in awhile and realize that all the 'stuff' we bother with on a daily basis aren't the things we are going to want to remember or share with others in the end. So, just in case.......

Bones

Well, Michael Vick has plead guilty. As he did the sidewalks were lined with people that had signs and t-shirts reminding Mr. Vick that he is not only guilty but that he is a 'worthless human being'. For those that don't know Michael Vick is an NFL quarterback and has been running a dogfighting ring out of one of his Georgia homes. He has bankrolled the fighting and the gambling and 'allegedly' has even killed some of the dogs. Pretty nasty stuff. But is it so bad that a mother would dress up her 7 year old son in a shirt that read, 'Vick makes me sick'. I had to wonder what lessons on 'judging others' this youngster would remember. I still wonder why we adults haven't learned any lessons on judging others. Jesus seemed to be clear on the matter, but we haven't heeded the message for 2000 years now.

Mr. Vick apologized today in what I thought was a pretty genuine statement. It wasn't read or whispered to him; he seemed to be speaking from the heart. He made no excuses and said that he had found Jesus and wanted to redeem himself. Oh but you should have heard the sports talk show guys: 'Isn't this a little late?', 'How come they always find God after they are caught?', 'I don't care if he's found God, I want him to find the jail'.

We love to pile on people. I mean we seemingly can't wait for the next person to fail so that we can line the streets and let them know just how bad they really are; as if they are unable to figure these things out. I have no problem with Michael Vick finding God after he's been caught and convicted. What I have a problem with is people that think only 'good people' are allowed access to the grace of Christ. Are you serious? Is there any part of the gospels you people have read? Do you know there is a guy currently playing in the NFL that killed a woman because he was driving drunk one night? Yet many want Vick banned for life and don't line the streets protesting this man for killing an innocent woman and mother.

I am also bad about judging. Frankly I want every pedophile sent packing for life. I have no tolerance for those that hurt kids. But that doesn't make me right. In fact, I'm wrong. But we all seem to have our 'issue' that is a line-crosser. For some it's adultery. For others it might be homosexual behavior. Some think abortion is the biggest issue of the day and that abortion providers should pay.

I am repeating myself here but we've all got something. Everyone lining the streets denouncing Michael Vick has something in their life that is sin and is keeping them from God. Everyone of us has something in the closet that needs to be put out and given to God. Now, don't make the mistake of thinking that just because we all have something that it's ok to hang on to it because once you get rid of that 'thing' another will take its place. While that might be true, we need to constantly remind ourselves that we aren't perfect but we are expected to 'strive for perfection'. That means not sitting around letting sin so occupy us that we have no time for the One that has conquered sin and death. Admit your sins, seek redemption and move on.

Michael Vick will pay for his misdeeds. Aren't you lucky that yours aren't being broadcast on TV. How would you like to wake up in the morning and find P.E.T.A in your yard with signs? How would you like it that when you make your apologies and profess your faith in God, many will mock you and say 'too little, too late'? I'm glad that God is above His creation and doesn't respond the way we do.

I'm inspired by another Little Big Town song. It's called "Bones". The lyrics say it all:
You've got bones in your closet; you've got ghosts in your town. Ain't no doubt yeah they're gonna come out, they're waitin' for the sun to go down.

We need a reminder that it's not who we are in the daylight when we hold signs announcing the sins of others that matters to God. It's who we are 'when the sun goes down'; when no one is around and looking. You see 'your sins will find you out' is a phrase that we should all remember just as fervently as we remember the sins of others.

I think what Michael Vick did was horrible. I think what I did today was equally as bad in the eyes of God. I know what my sins were..... do you?

Little Big Town's song: Bones http://www.kstarheel.com/bones.html