I'm sure that those who know how old I am would question me on why I consider myself 'middle aged'. I'm 'only' 37 years old, can still grow hair, not necessarily on my head--I still have most of my teeth and I know the words to several 'Nickleback' songs. If you don't know who Nickleback is, then maybe you are old. Just kidding. But for those that 'really' know me, know that if I can make it to 74, then I'm doing well. There are several reasons why saying that I'm middle-aged at 37 might be too optimistic for me.
First of all I free base brown gravy with more dedication than your best Heroin addict. I'm best friends with anyone that cooks big, thick slices of well fried bacon. I tend to be about an 8.5 on the 10.0 stress scale... ok, I'm a 9. I like vegetables... that are cooked with a vat of butter and topped off with the aforementioned bacon. I also drive a diesel so the environmentalists will tell me that cancer is inevitable. I talk a lot on my cell phone which will surely lead to brain cancer, or driving off a bridge because I'm distracted. I work for the railroad which is one of the most dangerous jobs when it comes to getting injured or killed. And finally, I live in an era where Brittany Spears, Hillary Duff and Paris Hilton have all made millions in the music industry. I should die on principle alone if nothing else.
The point is, I'm just feeling 'different'. I feel very out of place in our world right now. The music I love isn't even recognized by 'young people'. The athletes I grew up loving are old men.... well, they're middle-aged anyway. I still think Cheers is a great show. If I had my way all Play Stations would be destroyed and kids would have to get ball bats, go outside and hit rocks. Yes, my kids have a play station... I didn't say I wasn't a hypocrite.
It's not just external things that have made me feel like something's off. My insides are struggling with some pretty basic, but serious, middle aged questions. When it comes to 'what I do', I am feeling that maybe I'm at a point where there is no more room for growth. I make a pretty good salary and for the job I work there isn't any opportunity of making more other than our yearly $1 a day raise. I often feel like, 'so this is it? This is what I went to college for four years for? This is where all my childhood dreams have found me? This is where I get to make my mark on the world? Bummer.
Everyone that knows me knows I love my wife. She's far better than I deserve and anyone with more sense than your average opossum would know it. But something there even feels 'off'. Konnie and I have talked at length about this so all you chatty Kathys that want to rumor and worry about us should get over yourselves; we're fine. :-) I think every young man thinks of marriage at some point. Ok, some think of 'civil unions' but that's a whole other blog. What is it that every guy wants in a wife? Well, someone that's thoughtful is a plus. A gal that can put several words together and form a sentence that doesn't always end with 'ya know?' A woman that has a gift of cooking is always a benefit, though saying that sounds like I'm saying 'a woman that's always in the kitchen' and that's not what I'm saying. She doesn't have to stay there all day of course. ;-) For those that dream of children we hope for a great mom to the heirs of our fortune. My kids were blessed with a mom that can read. My youngest Kenyon wanted a book read to him one night and Konnie said, 'see if Daddy will read it to you'. Kenyon, with all seriousness, said with a tone of pity, 'Mom, Daddy can't read'. So, reading is apparently a good thing.
A God fearing woman is a great thing. Check out Proverbs for more excellent features to be found in a great woman; there's also some words of caution too.
But at the end of the day I think all guys really think about when they are young is something so simple is seems that it would guarantee success in finding a mate. While all those 'other' attributes are a great thing in a wife, the thing we really wanted is..... say it with me.... our very own 'Naked Person'. Yes, we are that simple and we are that primal. Face it, if I wanted conversations that were about things I was interested in (not that I'm not interested when we talk honey), watching games with someone or listening to the latest solo by Joe Satriani, I would have never quit being Seth Roe's roommate. I would live in a college dorm room for the rest of my life. But there is something about how God made us and how God made girls that made us go, 'whoa!' There's something about the beauty of a woman that trumps any basketball or football game. There is something so hypnotizing about the look of an 'interested woman' that makes us speak in unintelligible languages, trip over obvious furniture, watch 'Sleepless in Seattle' and actually dare to say, 'That Oprah, she's something else huh?'. It's all because we were alone and God gave us Eve.
Don't mistake me or my words. I'm not trying to make all men out to be pigs and all women out to be merely objects of desire. I'm just saying that when we first jumped on this boat called 'relationships and dating' we had an idea of where the destination was going to be. We started off thinking warm, fluffy thoughts and about 5-10 years into it we start going, 'so, this is it?'. Again, It says nothing of how great our wives really are; for they are truly wonderful creations of God. Beautifully wrapped miracles they are indeed. It simply says how 'off' our nature is in accordance with God's plan. It also says that nothing, not even our very own naked person, can fill that God shaped void in our souls.
I read recently how there are now more single people in the US than there are married people. Of course you know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and that a whopping 60% experience one or the other (husband or wife) having an affair. The stats are also overwhelming that it's the husband that will cheat. Sure, I can sit here and scoff and arrogantly say that , 'I will never cheat on my wife', (she always tells me that a) I could never tell her and b) that she gets half), but I have to look at the stats and at least 'pay attention' to warning signs. I find myself getting annoyed with many 'little things' in my marriage. Things that just don't matter. I find that I will investigate the house and find something to complain to Konnie about. I find that when we don't have sex I take it as she is no longer interested in me and that it's just not worth ever asking for it again. DRAMA QUEEN! I find that I think my friends probably don't have to 'endure' such unbearable hardships like I do. Turns out, we all do. It's not because we have bad wives. Again, something's not right in the soul. True, we probably would like more romance. We probably would like to be told that we look hot in that outfit. We probably would like to be held more but.... Hang on, I need to check if I'm actually a man after writing all that.
I've said all that just to say this: Marriage is a lot of freaking work. It takes things I don't have much of; patience, kindness, understanding and an appetite for vegetables. If it was just simply about having my own 'naked person', things would be much easier. But I'm often reminded of a CS Lewis quote: 'Everything worth having is hard.' Relationships aren't easy. Going through a mid life crisis isn't easy. Trying to find your place half way though this life, isn't easy. Growing in your faith, isn't easy. But you know what's really hard? Living WITH ME!
God bless that woman!
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