I don't know that I'd make a very good ruler, but if I were suddenly put in charge, well, some things would have to change. Here's a few looks at my future Kingdom.
1. Folks driving slow in the left lane would be disintegrated with laser beams located on every overpass. Sorry, but I have to get to work!
2. I would issue fines for 'slow' service in the 'fast food' industry. And if you ask me if I want to try your latest and greatest item before I can even read the menu, well, I'm sorry, but you'll have to go.
3. The NBA would no longer be able to steal players from UNC until they have played four years. No really, it's for their education.
4. Child predators would no longer exist in your area.. Why? You harm one child, one time and you will be escorted from this fine country. Ever heard of Cuba? You can be forgiven but you won't live in our neighborhoods. Bye-bye now.
5. Left hand turns, not protected by the bright green arrow, would be illegal. Go around the block and spare us all sitting there waiting for you to hit the gas.
6. Anyone driving a Hummer would have to donate $50,000 to a charity of your choosing.
7. Anyone driving a beat up mini-van, like mine, would be given....... a Hummer. Donation is waived for 'time served'.
8. At the end of the year, all citizens would be given an itemized account of where all your tax money went. And, you would receive a thank you note from me and my staff for the 'all-expenses-paid' business trip we took to Hawaii on your dime. Thanks.
9. All loud and boisterous drunk people will be recorded. That recording will be put on a walkman that will be staple gunned to your head and you will be forced to listen to your loud self until a) you repent or b) you beat yourself up.
10. Not sure how to pull this one off, but eventually the Road construction in Kansas has to STOP for at least one summer. I know the State Animal is that little, orange barrel, but really, the herd should be thinned.
11. The Kansas City Royals will be sold to Quam and never allowed to play in the States again and forbidden to call themselves a Major League Team.
12. Evolution will be taught.... to monkeys. Because even they think it's humorous and every ape needs a good laugh. If you want to argue Creationism then go to it's 'Creator' and bicker with Him. Personally, I'm buying what He's selling.
13. Trains would no longer block intersections that you wish to cross through. And you will quit yelling at us when we do. :-) I mean really, do I come to your place of work, try to cross through and start yelling at you because you are working where I'm wanting to go? I know we railroaders are a crossing nightmare, but here's the good news.... we get stopped too.
14. Gas prices will forever be $1.23 a gallon. Why that number? I have no idea, but they have no reason for their current numbers so at least we're all using the same formula.
15. Anyone fighting for this country in the armed forces, will NEVER pay taxes again. Goodness knows, you've been 'taxed' enough. The least we can do, ya think?
16. I will eliminate 100 cable channels. There are more cable channels than there are days in a year.... come on now. Of course all the sports and news channels stay. Channels that challenge you or teach you things, well, those will have to go. And do we have enough versions of 'Trading Spaces' now? Eventually they will run out of spaces right? And if 'C.S.I- Pratt' ever comes out, then we have all officially lost our minds.
17. Keifer Sutherland will be my President. Jack Bauer is the man. ( For all fans of '24')
18. Anyone trying to talk down prices at a yard sale, no matter the item, will be slapped about the head. IT'S A YARD SALE!!!! Things are already cheap. Pay your .50 and move on.
19. Kids will not be allowed to leave school until they can at least spell their name, write a sentence and add multiple numbers. Yes, that means you Duke Students.
20. And finally, 3 day work weeks for everyone!!!!!!!
