So it's late on September 11th. No, I'm not going to blog about the Twin Towers or the Iraq/Afganistan war.
Actually I'm preoccupied with a bit of selfishness. Nothing unusual really for I spend a great deal of time thinking about things that effect me. In about 10 hours I am to report to the Wichita Clinic and undergo another endoscopy. This is a procedure that is supposed to help stretch my 'food pipe' and help me swallow bacon better. I'm not sure that's the only reason for the procedure but it's certainly a benefit. The problem is, it's the same procedure I had in 2002 (and several time before that year) that put me in intensive care for a week and just about killed me. (See 'My sweet, broken Jesus' blog)
I'm not even sure that I want to do this or need to do this. I mean I'm tired of choking on small amounts of food and not being able to swallow pills, but I'm not sure that inconvinence is worth the risk. My doctor (whose name I can't pronounce... why is that always the case?) says that the chance of tearing my esophogus again is only 1 in 4000. Yeah, but you see the last time I was the 'one' so forgive me if I throw up right before you knock me out.
Anyway, I thought I should right out some thoughts for the 'just in case'. I certainly don't want to jinx myself but the fact is I know that this whole life thing is in bigger hands than doctor whats-his-name. So when it's time, I guess it's just your time. But honestly God, I just bought the Van Halen tickets so I would like that to be considered. Wait, you may not be a fan so strike that and I'll sell the tickets right away. :-)
My life:
Love my parents
Love my wife
Love my kids.
Family truly is the best and sometimes hardest thing about being human. Do we experience more joy or heartache than with family? My parents gave me a great start. My wife gives me what I can only describe as the closest thing to perfect love one could give. And my little Roo and little Pooh give me more smiles, laughs and warm fuzzy moments than any other two little boys could give a dad. They are and always will be very special kids. (It's in the genes):-)
I have great friends. They aren't great in numbers (meeting new people is hard for me), but man are they there when I need them 'there'. Mess up royally. Make a total buffoon of yourself. Lose all self-respect. Make really horrible decisions. Watch all the crowd walk away. Then look around and see who's left. Those are your friends.
I loved living in North Carolina. Seriously, it should be done once by everyone. But I have really grown attatched to Kansas. The sunsets and the starry skies are well worth the price of admission. Blue Ridge Mountains, lighthouses, grassy plains.... nice.
I loved music. Oh do I love music. My biggest regret is and will be that I didn't pursure music with more devotion. But as I told my friend Seth one night as we were listening to Phil Keaggy: 'I guess I'm sad that I didn't practice for the last 25 years and can't play like that but I'm glad that when I hear it, I can appreciate just how good it is'. I never really focused on anything for too long--well, other than focusing on the fact that I could never focus. I was good at a lot of things but I feared greatness and I feared failure. Young people, fear neither. The biggest regret is really just a bunch of big regrets.
God has blessed me. Even if this were my last night, could I complain? No. He has given me more than I ever dreamed of; much of which I don't deserve. He has gifted me and like all good dads, allows me to not use my gifts as well as I should and just loves me anyway. It's too bad that the story of our relationship with him on earth as people has been one of so much rebellion, hate, death and sorrow. The only comfort is in the ending. So, if it ends it really begins. (someone make sure that gets in a quote book ok?)
Do I fear death? Duh! Of course I do. Not so much because I'll have a clue as to what's happening but mainly because I know what death does to those of us 'left behind'. So, to all of you (if the scope does slip and I go night, night) get over me soon. :-) Seriously, play some great music at my service, tell some funny stories and eat some Barbeque. There is more to bother about than my exit. God is good, but He was pretty clear about the death thing: it comes to us all. I have loved well and been loved even better.
There, that's it. Even if things go fine and I email everyone with 'hey, I can eat bacon with less effort' I think it's good to do some reflecting once in awhile and realize that all the 'stuff' we bother with on a daily basis aren't the things we are going to want to remember or share with others in the end. So, just in case.......
