(Written while Konnie's dad, Frank, lived with us from 2001-2004)
For 3 years (or more) Konnie and I have been helping her dad. He has Alzheimer's and without typing out a 4 page email detailing all the highs and lows of the situation, let's just say that right now it's very, very bad. One month ago we began the process of trying to get Frank, her dad, situated in a Nursing Home in Dodge City. The DAY BEFORE he was to be admitted we received a call from them saying, 'sorry, he's too severe for us'. Nice. He's not too severe for us, but he is for a professional facility. Frank had been slowly declining for the last 3 years, but from the end of June to now, he fell off the cliff. There are 9 stages to this disease and he is in or near the last one: no memory of Konnie or Karen, paranoia, hallucinations... he described it as not knowing whether or not he is sleeping or dreaming. For several days he would follow us around and whisper that 'we all need to get out of here... we're going to die'. He felt people from the past were coming after us and that there were other people living in the house. The point I which I said 'no more' was when the threats starting coming from him in the words of 'well maybe I'll kill all of us'. Scary stuff, considering we have 2 small boys. .
I'm not trying to paint a horror picture here, but just to say that things are stressful and a bit tense now that Frank is back in the house. This whole experience hasn't been about money (as was the Pratt rumor for the first year) or that we love living in Pratt. It has been about helping Frank. Other than a roof over his head and supervision, he's beyond our help. We have also been trying to sell our houses here and consider the possibility of moving closer to where I work, Wichita. That has it's own stresses as well.
I'm convinced that this disease is evil.... the devils last chance to bring back all our fears and pains from the past and taunt us with it; taking away all the good memories from a good life. He's that sort of Evil that would do such a thing. But one of the most touching moments I've had with Frank was the last time we took him to Haviland Friends. It was just prior to this 'falling off the cliff' week. We were singing hymns and Frank was lost and wasn't sure what we were doing. I would hold up the Hymnal but he no longer reads and didn't know what to do or say. Then we starting singing 'Trust and Obey'.... Frank wasn't sure of the verses and looked a bit frazzled. But when we got to the chorus, without missing a beat, he starting singing as if he was wanting to make a statement:
'Trust and Obey. For there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey.'
It shook me. No matter what cruelties his mind was enforcing on him, no matter the confusion, the loss, no matter the rough days that lay ahead a seed from the past was still in place. The seed of that song that he had probably been singing for years was still there in his mind, but more importantly in his heart. NO MATTER what comes from this horrible storm, we will and we must 'Trust and Obey'. There comes that point for all of us. If we haven't faced it yet, we will. When sense cannot be made from what is happening, when God himself cannot be heard because of the confusion, we will still Trust Him. I hope I have learned much from this man who has forgotten almost everything. If not, then it is I that is truly in need of help. We aren't asking for a miracle cure, we are just hoping that those small seeds that are still there stay there and bring Frank whatever comfort possible.
Geoff
Monday, March 07, 2005
Bliss
2002
CS Lewis said of 'Romantic Love':
"Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian Marriage) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."
He adds about 'the fall':
"A young man meets a girl. The whole world looks different when he sees her. Her voice reminds him of something he has been trying to remember all his life, and ten minutes' casual chat with her is more precious than all the favors that all the other women in the world could grant. He is, as they say, 'in love'.
Ever been there?
Such is my marriage. There was great passion at the start; one that still exists. But through the day to day activities and stresses of life, there is a quiet love that keeps Konnie and I close. One of the things that, sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly, keeps us 'in love' is our son Kaden. This brings me to my point of 'bliss'. The other night, I found my bliss: though I didn't know it was gone.
Our whole family has been struggling with various illnesses this early winter. On this particular night no one was feeling well; Kaden was coughing, I could barely talk and Konnie was ill just trying to keep us boys going. We generally don't keep 'normal hours' in our house. My job with the Railroad has never allowed for much of a schedule when it comes to bedtime. We are currently living with a 'family bed' arrangement, which we love. This means, we all sleep together. This night we all were laying in bed and it was about 2:00am. Konnie had lit some candles earlier that night and they were burning, giving us our only light. Kaden had been struggling to go to sleep. We were both wore out and drifting off, trying to help little Kaden get comfortable. Finally Kaden's medicine kicked in and we both noticed that he had fallen asleep. As our eyes began to drop for the night, the candlelight allowed us to gaze at one another for just a brief moment. We both looked at this wonderful gift from heaven, our son, then we looked at each other and smiled. It was at that moment that I found my bliss. The two people that I love the most on this earth, were lying next to me drifting off to dream wonderful dreams.
It is for this reason why I got married and wanted kids. It is moments like this that make low paychecks seem like not such a big deal. It's at times like these that I realize life is so good and I should be so grateful to God for all that I have. It is my bliss. What's yours? Find it if you don't know. It's probably right in front of you......
The Passion
So here I am. I'm a month removed from having seen 'The Passion of the Christ". I was tempted to write my feelings about the movie and my experience watching the movie soon after, but I wanted to try something. I wanted to see if the effects of the movie would last. Initially I was blown away with emotion after viewing the film by Mel Gibson. I have never had such a 'real, in your face' experience with my faith. For.... well forever I hadn't really understood what Jesus had gone through for me. SOunds funny coming from a preachers kid and former preacher, but I never really 'got it'. Seeing the look in His eyes (even though it was just a portrayal) was something that shook me to my very core. I don't want this to be a movie review so I'll just leave it with this point; it was more than a movie, it was an experience.
If I had reacted right then, I would have quit my job, sold our house and went back into the ministry. I had a strong feeling of 'what really matters' in life and the feeling that I do a lot of things that don't matter.... like build trains. I know of the gifts I've been given in ministry, but also the stumbling blocks that I keep near me that hamper ministry. I wanted to know longer care about sports..... I mean really, the death of Jesus or the end of a UNC season: which one matters? But the feelings that I experienced were ones that I didn't want to be 'fake' or tossed aside at the first sign of trouble. Could I really change the person I've become and recreate myself spiritually? O:-)
The first week was great. I was a better husband and father than I have been for a long time. I was patient and full of kind words and encouragement's. At work, I tried not to just be 'another railroader' but really tried to uplift people and visibly be seen reading my Bible or talking about the movie. No longer did I want to 'fear' what people would think of me and my faith. Most of that coming from the fact that I have never wanted to make Jesus look stupid. I know that sounds silly, but I've always been afraid to be very vocal about my faith for fear that people would think the faith wasn't valid because I'm not always on my best behavior. But I wanted it to be different from now on. Then the second week, not so good. The third week, a little worse. It's like everything with me, it became difficult to keep my eyes off myself. I mean Jesus is great but I got me to worry about, right? That's the sideways mindset of it all.
To make this post short let's just get to where I am now. Well, I either need to see 'The Passion..." again or I need to just get off the boat. I'm not a bad person but put me in front of a TV watching a Carolina game and I'm the person most pastor's are trying to save. :-) It's ridiculous the value I have always placed on whether or not my team wins or loses. It's growing up in the psycho basketball area of North Carolina that did this to me. People there are just mental about it and I'm one of them. I used to cry myself to sleep when UNC would lose..... and that was just 3 years ago. :'( I've become impatient with my beloved wife. She's supposed to be so perfect in every area when I'm such a louse in every area. I'm back to getting annoyed at work, being bitter over where I live, wishing I had more money, wishing I had more wife time, wanting this, hating that, yelling at politicians, etc. And it's only been a month. What's that say about me? Well, I have a lot of work to do.
But here's the deal about my 'Passion' experience. Normally, I would just morph into my 'old skins' and just be who I am and quit worrying about it. My line has always been, 'well, it's just easier being myself'. That is so not true. The difference now is, I have images of a dying, beaten, bloody Jesus looking at me everytime I think I want to quit. I have the vision of a battered Jesus rising up to take more of a beating when he could have just stayed down and 'played dead'. I have the sight of a weeping Peter denying his Lord and the vision of Judas hanging from a tree after betraying His God. Things need to change. Tomorrow I take a symbolic step: all things UNC go in the trash. Not because they lost tonight, but because a part of me dies with them and it's just silly. There are things I allow in my life that I know aren't healthy and sports is a major one. I believe sports is a great learning tool and educational tool for things like focus, teamwork and carrying yourself with class whether you win or lose. But caring so much about the actions of 17-21 year olds is something that I can't handle and beats me up spiritually so I need to do this to 'clean the closet' so to speak. It's not that sports are bad, they're just bad for bad people. And I'm a bad person when it comes to watching sports. It's also a matter of what kind of 'sports father' will I be for my sons. God help me if I ever melt down at their games the way I do UNC or Carolina Panthers game. It's not acceptable. I use to laugh when the baby would start crying while I yelled at the TV, then I realized just how sick it was that I was 'ok' with that.
Ministry? Who knows. My wife says that I should be ok with teaching Sunday School or something like that, but I told her that that's like asking her to fulfill her need for art by coloring in a coloring book. It's not to diminish sunday school, but just to say that I crave for more. But I think I've been missing the point and tonight I furthered that point along by once again watching my family retreat to 'no basketball zones' in our house to be spared injury from flying pillows and remote controls. Hey, those pillows are big ones so it's not a laughing matter. I think of what Christ wants of me on this 'Large' scale and right now I think He wishes for me to start a little more.... well, near home.
It's like I would walk up to Jesus and say,
'Wow, I can't believe you did that for me.'
Jesus says, 'It was why I came here.... for you'.
I would say, 'Yeah, I guess so, but you really didn't have to do that.'
He says, 'Oh yes I did.'
I say, ' Well, that should have been me and I can't help but think there's something that I need to do...you know to repay you or something'.
Jesus says, 'Well, I guess there are some things you could do'.
'What are they?' I eagerly ask hoping it's something like sweep the floor or fold the laundry; something tasking yet, not really requiring much of me (See Rich Young Ruler).
Jesus gazes at me, then looks past me to the TV and says, 'well, you could shut that off to start with'.
I look nervous and confused and say, 'That? Why start with shutting the TV off?' (It's right in the middle of a UNC-Duke game.)
Jesus smiles and says, "So when you are watching these games.... they are games right?..... are you ever thinking of Me and My love for you and the sacrifice I made for you and that so many people living right near you don't even know Me? And would you be in any position to tell them about Me assuming the game doesn't go your way? And what of your sons? Should they really have to go into another room of the house because the game..... I still think it's funny they call it a game...... didn't turn out the way you wanted? You really think that I care about scores and stats? Do you really think I care about whether or not 'your team' does well? What I care about is people. I care about you, your wife, your sons and I worry that they aren't getting what they need spiritually because, again, the game didn't go your way. You keep worrying about this great ministry that you think I'm calling you to and maybe I am.... but what of the ministry in your own home? If your sons don't see Me in you, why do you care if anyone else does? Remember to whom much is given, much is expected and Geoff let's be honest, you were given plenty. What are you doing with it? What are you doing with your time here on earth? Do you not know that I love you regardless of where you live, what you do for a job, how nice your computer is, how current your car is... or what team you pull for? So, again I say, let's start with shutting that off and quit scaring the children.' He finishes me off with 'that look' and a cool little smile to go along with it.
I don't know how we go about 'changing' who we've always been. Frankly, I've never bothered much about doing such a thing. It's a like a New Year's resolution.... are they still around in February? It's just easier being who we are isn't it? Maybe, but is it ok to .... be 'ok' with that? After realizing what is at stake and why we are here, do the 'games' lose their importance a bit? I hope I turn out differently eventually. I want that , but am I willing to take my own 'beating' to get there? We'll see..... nice to know though that I do have one really BIG FAN, and he's behind me.... and infront and by each side of me. He's won the war and is trying to get me through the battle. Now that may be a game worth caring about.
Geoff, the former psychotic UNC fan?.... who knows?
Update:
march 2005
My faith is important me again and growing so. Not sure if ministry is in my future again, but I'm thinking...
I still watch too many UNC games and watching them vs. Duke is a very unhealthy thing.
If I had reacted right then, I would have quit my job, sold our house and went back into the ministry. I had a strong feeling of 'what really matters' in life and the feeling that I do a lot of things that don't matter.... like build trains. I know of the gifts I've been given in ministry, but also the stumbling blocks that I keep near me that hamper ministry. I wanted to know longer care about sports..... I mean really, the death of Jesus or the end of a UNC season: which one matters? But the feelings that I experienced were ones that I didn't want to be 'fake' or tossed aside at the first sign of trouble. Could I really change the person I've become and recreate myself spiritually? O:-)
The first week was great. I was a better husband and father than I have been for a long time. I was patient and full of kind words and encouragement's. At work, I tried not to just be 'another railroader' but really tried to uplift people and visibly be seen reading my Bible or talking about the movie. No longer did I want to 'fear' what people would think of me and my faith. Most of that coming from the fact that I have never wanted to make Jesus look stupid. I know that sounds silly, but I've always been afraid to be very vocal about my faith for fear that people would think the faith wasn't valid because I'm not always on my best behavior. But I wanted it to be different from now on. Then the second week, not so good. The third week, a little worse. It's like everything with me, it became difficult to keep my eyes off myself. I mean Jesus is great but I got me to worry about, right? That's the sideways mindset of it all.
To make this post short let's just get to where I am now. Well, I either need to see 'The Passion..." again or I need to just get off the boat. I'm not a bad person but put me in front of a TV watching a Carolina game and I'm the person most pastor's are trying to save. :-) It's ridiculous the value I have always placed on whether or not my team wins or loses. It's growing up in the psycho basketball area of North Carolina that did this to me. People there are just mental about it and I'm one of them. I used to cry myself to sleep when UNC would lose..... and that was just 3 years ago. :'( I've become impatient with my beloved wife. She's supposed to be so perfect in every area when I'm such a louse in every area. I'm back to getting annoyed at work, being bitter over where I live, wishing I had more money, wishing I had more wife time, wanting this, hating that, yelling at politicians, etc. And it's only been a month. What's that say about me? Well, I have a lot of work to do.
But here's the deal about my 'Passion' experience. Normally, I would just morph into my 'old skins' and just be who I am and quit worrying about it. My line has always been, 'well, it's just easier being myself'. That is so not true. The difference now is, I have images of a dying, beaten, bloody Jesus looking at me everytime I think I want to quit. I have the vision of a battered Jesus rising up to take more of a beating when he could have just stayed down and 'played dead'. I have the sight of a weeping Peter denying his Lord and the vision of Judas hanging from a tree after betraying His God. Things need to change. Tomorrow I take a symbolic step: all things UNC go in the trash. Not because they lost tonight, but because a part of me dies with them and it's just silly. There are things I allow in my life that I know aren't healthy and sports is a major one. I believe sports is a great learning tool and educational tool for things like focus, teamwork and carrying yourself with class whether you win or lose. But caring so much about the actions of 17-21 year olds is something that I can't handle and beats me up spiritually so I need to do this to 'clean the closet' so to speak. It's not that sports are bad, they're just bad for bad people. And I'm a bad person when it comes to watching sports. It's also a matter of what kind of 'sports father' will I be for my sons. God help me if I ever melt down at their games the way I do UNC or Carolina Panthers game. It's not acceptable. I use to laugh when the baby would start crying while I yelled at the TV, then I realized just how sick it was that I was 'ok' with that.
Ministry? Who knows. My wife says that I should be ok with teaching Sunday School or something like that, but I told her that that's like asking her to fulfill her need for art by coloring in a coloring book. It's not to diminish sunday school, but just to say that I crave for more. But I think I've been missing the point and tonight I furthered that point along by once again watching my family retreat to 'no basketball zones' in our house to be spared injury from flying pillows and remote controls. Hey, those pillows are big ones so it's not a laughing matter. I think of what Christ wants of me on this 'Large' scale and right now I think He wishes for me to start a little more.... well, near home.
It's like I would walk up to Jesus and say,
'Wow, I can't believe you did that for me.'
Jesus says, 'It was why I came here.... for you'.
I would say, 'Yeah, I guess so, but you really didn't have to do that.'
He says, 'Oh yes I did.'
I say, ' Well, that should have been me and I can't help but think there's something that I need to do...you know to repay you or something'.
Jesus says, 'Well, I guess there are some things you could do'.
'What are they?' I eagerly ask hoping it's something like sweep the floor or fold the laundry; something tasking yet, not really requiring much of me (See Rich Young Ruler).
Jesus gazes at me, then looks past me to the TV and says, 'well, you could shut that off to start with'.
I look nervous and confused and say, 'That? Why start with shutting the TV off?' (It's right in the middle of a UNC-Duke game.)
Jesus smiles and says, "So when you are watching these games.... they are games right?..... are you ever thinking of Me and My love for you and the sacrifice I made for you and that so many people living right near you don't even know Me? And would you be in any position to tell them about Me assuming the game doesn't go your way? And what of your sons? Should they really have to go into another room of the house because the game..... I still think it's funny they call it a game...... didn't turn out the way you wanted? You really think that I care about scores and stats? Do you really think I care about whether or not 'your team' does well? What I care about is people. I care about you, your wife, your sons and I worry that they aren't getting what they need spiritually because, again, the game didn't go your way. You keep worrying about this great ministry that you think I'm calling you to and maybe I am.... but what of the ministry in your own home? If your sons don't see Me in you, why do you care if anyone else does? Remember to whom much is given, much is expected and Geoff let's be honest, you were given plenty. What are you doing with it? What are you doing with your time here on earth? Do you not know that I love you regardless of where you live, what you do for a job, how nice your computer is, how current your car is... or what team you pull for? So, again I say, let's start with shutting that off and quit scaring the children.' He finishes me off with 'that look' and a cool little smile to go along with it.
I don't know how we go about 'changing' who we've always been. Frankly, I've never bothered much about doing such a thing. It's a like a New Year's resolution.... are they still around in February? It's just easier being who we are isn't it? Maybe, but is it ok to .... be 'ok' with that? After realizing what is at stake and why we are here, do the 'games' lose their importance a bit? I hope I turn out differently eventually. I want that , but am I willing to take my own 'beating' to get there? We'll see..... nice to know though that I do have one really BIG FAN, and he's behind me.... and infront and by each side of me. He's won the war and is trying to get me through the battle. Now that may be a game worth caring about.
Geoff, the former psychotic UNC fan?.... who knows?
Update:
march 2005
My faith is important me again and growing so. Not sure if ministry is in my future again, but I'm thinking...
I still watch too many UNC games and watching them vs. Duke is a very unhealthy thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)