"Shoot me first"

I have said many times in the past that I am prone to times of
'over-emotion'. I cry at the smallest things; acts of kindness, sappy
commercials, stupid movies, touching songs. I have always had in my
personality the ability, or disability as the case may be, to empathize
with people in any given situation. The past week those traits have
taken their toll on me and I now feel completely and utterly battered
to the point of exhaustion. I feel I have come to my cross roads and a
choice will have to be made.

The schoolhouse shootings in a little Amish community in Nickle Mines,
PA has brought me to my knees. I have cried several times over the
events that took place last week in that quiet schoolhouse. I know now
what it is when pure evil assaults pure innocence. And lest you should
ever doubt the presence of evil, look no farther than the events of
that day. Hugo Chavez, the underwhelming leader of Venezuela, called
President Bush, 'the devil'. He wishes that were the case. I'm afraid
Mr. Chavez will one day get the opportunity of meeting said devil and
I'm sure he'll wonder what he was thinking. No, you see the devil went
to Nickle Mines, PA and assaulted the mind of Charles Roberts; a little
man.

I have no earthly comprehension of what it takes for a man to shoot 10
little girls, killing at least 5 of them. I have nothing in me that
can possibly relate to just how depraved a man has to get to be able to
look into the eyes of a small angel and pull the trigger. There is
nothing within my knowledge of this universe that will ever satisfy my
question as to how he could have planned to rape 10 little girls. When
I picture that scene I see this vile human in the presence of
innocence. I see pure darkness in him and around him. I can see
demons whispering taunts in his ear. 'Do it!' 'You're worthless!'
'Kill them!' 'Coward!' I can see a cloud of fire circling above that
schoolhouse as a battle in the spirit world takes place. Forces bent
on causing death, destruction and ultimate fear are everywhere. They
are rejoicing that this weak, little man is now in their clutches and
is about to terrorize and destroy 10 little angels. They see victory.
It is the ultimate picture of evil tormenting good.

Then something happens. In the midst of total fear and evil; of
darkness and sexual perversion, one of the angels speaks. Knowing now
what the intentions are of this little man, she says something that
will forever change me; and if it doesn't than I am truly
unchangeable. She looks evil in the eye and says without hesitation,
"Shoot me first." Shoot me first? What? This from the lips of a 13
year old angel? Surely see will beg for her life. Surely she will
offer the man whatever he wants just so she can live. What about her
parents and friends? What about all her dreams of making it in this
world. She has so much to live for. Fight! Run! But.... 'Shoot me
first'.

This causes evil to recoil a bit. There seems to be no panic among the
angels. This can't be. How can this be? She doesn't know what she's
saying. Any minute they will all be screaming to live. But then
there's another voice. 'Shoot me second'. The screech of every evil
principality can be heard. 'NO!' Yet another angel, one only 8 years
old has offered herself to the little man. It seems that evil has once
again underestimated true faith. It seems that evil has never
understood those who are true in their faith and in the comfort that
Jesus gives them. These two girls were willing to be shot first and
then second as to buy just a bit more time for the others. And shot
they were. Defeated? Destroyed? I think not. I think God knows that
those little angels showed more faith and courage than any preacher
I've seen on TV lately.

You would think that anyone rational would be so moved at this display
of faith and sacrifice that they would instantly put down their weapon
and repent. But not the little man. No, he proceeded to shoot all 10
girls. Then the little man said, 'Pray for me' and shot himself to
complete
his ultimate act of cowardliness. Would it be that I get one day off
my life to be
able to go into the pits of hell and deal angry blows to this little
man. Vengeance. Justice. To harm the hair on one of these little
angels..... Oh to see him punished

The God raises His hand to me and says, 'I got this one'.

But with the first shots fired at the first two girls, it seems that he
wasn't able to have the time to 'make sure' all the girls were dead by
the time to police began to break through the windows. Did their act
of faith and sacrifice save some of the others? I believe it did.
"Shoot me first"... I'll never forget those words.

I have come now to fully realize just how false my faith is. I would
scowl at anyone that would dare call me a follower of Christ.
Everything in my actions on a daily basis says nothing of my faith but
simply that I am as nominal as they come. I don't raise my children to
have this sort of courage in Christ. In many ways I weep because I
feel like I'm partly to blame for what led to the little man killing
these angels. I support violence by what I watch. I support sexual
perversion by what I watch. I support despair because I do nothing to
encourage those around me. In many ways, I am the shooter.... we all
are. I am a little man.

How long will we be ok with this? How long will we be fine with the
fact that our faith means nothing to anyone, not even to us? You see,
I believe that I could change lives. I think God has gifted me in
areas of ministry and yet I would rather make more money to buy more
crap and have more bills. You see the Amish are so close to what I
think we are supposed to actually be like. They truly live in the
world but they are not of the world. Do you know that they invited the
little man's family to the funerals of the girls as a way of saying,
'we love you. You are our family and we forgive you'. Do you know
that they went to the parents of the little man and stayed for an hour
and held them as they said, 'we forgive all'. Are you serious? Never
again will anyone mock the Amish in my presence. They are the real
deal and those like me are the lukewarm church that will be spewed out
by God.

As I sat on the train tonight I wept. I had to hide my face from my
engineer because I was just too overwhelmed. As I listened to a song
by Keith Green called 'Your love broke through' , I was having a
'dream-like' sequence with God. In my dream I was running and yelling
to God:

"How long will you search for me God? How long will you look for me in
the muck and the mire? With every choice of road, I leave the straight
and narrow and go my own way. Here I am, I am in the swamps of life.
Can you even see me for my filth? Have I not even the faith of a child
that you would even acknowledge me? Am I truly too far gone; too far
lost? Oh God what will it take for you to find me again? Why is the
world so defeating me and all around me? Are we all too far gone?
Have you left us to evil?"

The Lord says with thundering calm, "Geoff, I am right here. I need
not find you, because I have never left you. Run as you might, stumble
though you may, you will never be out of my reach. Come what may, I
am. Go where you may, I am. Hide though you may, I am. I am.... I
am. Never will I leave you or forsake you. All you have to do is have
faith. The faith of a child."

I don't know what becomes of emotions like mine. I don't know what
choices and decisions I will make. Will anything change? How hard
will it be? Can I do it? No, I can't. Only God can.

'Shoot me first'.

Here's a link to Keith Green's song, Your love broke through

http://www.kstarheel.com/green.html

What have I then?

While working a couple of trains the last two days, I was paired up with a young engineer that after recently divorcing his wife was now single. He seems like a good enough guy and is what I would call a 'country boy'. The first few miles of our run on the first day were very uneventful. We passed the time talking about Unions, contracts, other employees, etc. As we talked I noticed he was receiving a lot of text messages. He was trying to talk to me and also reply to the 'senders' of said messages. I inquired of him, 'who are texting?'. I really wished soon after that I would have just let it go without any questions asked for he proceeded to tell me all about these various girls that he was dating. There was the gal in Wichita (he finished all her calls with 'I love you too'), there was the gal in Kansas City and there seemed to be a neighbor gal involved that wasn't texting but he was receiving phone calls from other of our fellow employees asking if he had scored with her yet. I listened to this for some time; all while trying to read my CS Lewis book about the writings of George MacDonald. That's kind of like trying to eat a steak while the guy next to you is puking up his beer.

Finally, he ended his bragging session with a descriptioin of all the 'fun he has' (wink, wink) and with the declaration that 'I never got to do stuff like that when I was married. Bet you don't get to have that kind of fun do you married man? Are you happy being married?'

I wanted to answer him with a long answer. My mind proceeded with the following thoughts almost word for word:

"I have this white skinned beauty who is not only beautiful in the external but contains more inward beauty than anyone I've ever known. She laughs at my jokes, tolerates my rants, fixes awesome meals, takes care of our house, never complains whether we have money or not--has stuck with me in our worst times and been the cause of our best times. She cares for my two most precious treasures on earth, one is eight, the other is three. Whatever good they are is simply because of how good she is. She guards over them, teaches them, plays with them, encourages them, disciplines them and most of all laughs with them and prays for them.

When we are sick she comforts us, she medicates us, she cleans the sheets and towels, she brushes our hair and kisses our foreheads. She is both lover and friend. Both confidant and soldier. There is never a day come rain or shine when she doesn't warm us with a smile or soft word. She is a friend to all and enemy of none. She is creative and dazzles me with her eyes. If I was half the person she was, I'd be well on my way to being 'good'. Yeah, my lady is true. She is my rock and my lighthouse when all around me is rough and stormy. And she loves..... me'. I love 'er. Always have, always will.

I'm like any married man, I make some complaints. I'm not easy to live with. I have silly fantasies which disrespect her and I often think of the grass on the other side. But after thinking all that all I could say was, 'Yeah, I'm pretty darn happy'.

I'm blessed. So are you men of Troy. Now, go hug your wives.

What would you do?

Recently two FOX news employees, reporter Steve Centanni andcameraman, Olaf Wiig were kidnapped on the Gaza strip as they reported on the plight of the Palestinians and some bombings that recently took place. Thankfully, early Sunday morning they were released. Here's the story via foxnews.com

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip — Two FOX News journalists were released by their kidnappers Sunday, nearly two weeks after they were taken hostage in the Gaza Strip.

Steve Centanni, 60, and Olaf Wiig, 36, left Gaza and have since crossed into Israel after their release. The men left Gaza through the Erez border crossing.

The freeing of Centanni, a correspondent, and Wiig, a cameraman, ends the longest-running drama involving foreign hostages in Gaza.
The two journalists were dropped off at Gaza City's Beach Hotel by Palestinian security officials and appeared to be in good health. A tearful Centanni embraced a Palestinian journalist briefly as he entered, then rushed upstairs as Wiig followed.
Centanni, in a phone interview shortly after his release, said "I'm fine. I'm just so happy to be free."
He said he was so emotional because he was out and alive.
"There were times when I thought 'I'm dead,' and I'm not," Centanni said. "I'm fine. I'm so very happy."
He recounted how he and Wiig were pulled out of their car on August 14 and taken at gunpoint into another car. The kidnappers blindfolded them and handcuffed their hands behind their backs with plastic ties. They were then transferred to another car and driven to a building that they later learned was a garage.
"We were pushed down onto the dirt-covered concrete floor and we were forced to lie face down with our handcuffs on," Centanni said.
"Olaf was in the same room with me. Our shoulders were wrenched back, very painful."

Both of the men were forced to convert to Islam at gunpoint, Centanni said. (the highlight is mine)

"We were forced to convert to Islam at gunpoint," Centanni told FOX News. "Don't get me wrong here. I have the highest respect for Islam, and I learned a lot of good things about it, but it was something we felt we had to do because they had the guns, and we didn't know what the hell was going on."
Centanni's brother, Ken, spoke to FOX News directly after the news was released.
"It's just a tremendous amount of relief, overwhelming relief," he said.
Later Sunday, Centanni and Wiig appeared before reporters, then traveled to the Erez crossing into Israel to leave Gaza.
"I want to thank everybody. I am happy to be here. I hope that this never scares a single journalist away from coming to Gaza to cover the story because the
Palestinian people are very beautiful and kind hearted," Centanni told reporters. "The world needs to know more about them. Don't be discouraged."
Wiig also said he was worried that the kidnapping would scare off reporters.

"My biggest concern really is that as a result of what happened to us foreign journalists will be discouraged from coming to tell the story and that would be a great tragedy for the people of Palestine," Wiig said. "You guys need us on the streets, and you need people to be aware of the story."

Wiig's wife, Anita McNaught, thanked Palestinian officials and FOX News for their efforts in getting the men released. The men refused to take questions.

My thoughts:

Please do not mistake me for some 'at-home-Rambo'. I have no idea what these two men went through and I have no idea where their hearts are in relation to anything resembling an organized religion; more specifically in relation to their feelings about Christ. I don't know what exactly I would do if I were in their shoes and I would be less than honest if I didn't tell you that I hope I'm never in their shoes. . I do know this: the day may come, the Bible seems to suggest it WILL come, when all Christians may well be in this very position. I don't know if it will be militant Islam doing the 'converting' or a religion that doesn't exist yet, but you may very well find yourself in the position of having to choose life over your faith. Some may say that 'well, it doesn't matter what you say, God will know your heart' and you may be right. But I do believe that the PUBLIC acknowledgment of a faith in Christ is seen by God as an awesome and essential thing.


Romans 10: 8-9 says it this way:
...That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord', and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

2 Timothy 1: 8-9 says:
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life....

My wife and I were talking about this and neither one of us could imagine what we would do if someone had a knife to either or both of our boys' throats saying that if we didn't convert to such-n-such, they would kill our kids. I do know that it's at least considering ahead of time what to do and how to handle it. You may say, 'we don't live in that kind of time yet', and I hope you're right. But I know that on September 11, 2001 when Konnie called me and told me what was happening I said, 'no way'. I hope I never see the day that any of us would be faced with such a choice as these two fine men. But if so I hope that I will remember the words of Jesus.

Matthew 10:32-33:
Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.

I can't seem to acknowledge my faith in the most mundane circumstances. In some ways, it would be sad if it took a gun to my head for me to confess to the truth in which I believe. At times I'm shy about telling 'the world' that I went to a Bible College. I'm fearful to reveal to them that I actually have a 'Youth Ministry' degree with a minor in Bible Theology. I'm not sure of how they'll feel about me if they know that CS Lewis is my favorite author or that I have 'GASP' seen Sandi Patti in concert. Here in front of my computer I can babble on about Godly things and thoughts and feel safe that no one will give me instant judgment or criticism. But to actually verbally 'confess' with my foul mouth that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ is well, just not very comfortable. Please don't give me credit for 'being honest' or 'real'. I've grown tired of myself frankly. Why just tonight I wanted to beat up a 60 year old van driver because he got lippy with me and my engineer. Nice. That would go well on the 'ways you show Christ to others' list.

So what would I do? I think I would fight. I just couldn't help myself. I would say, 'I believe in Jesus you worthless piece of camel dung and I'm willing to fight you over it.' Pretty sure that's not what God had in mind. But before I decide on how I react to some crazy Jihadist, I might want to work on how I react to a cranky, old van driver that said something he shouldn't have. I'm telling ya folks, this dance is getting old. I'm getting to the point where I'm either going to be a man of God, or I'm going to shut up about the whole matter. Like I've said, I'm a 'glass-half-empty' guy and I'm not sure that the current version of me is very usable to God. I know the past version sure wasn't. The question is, 'can we really change?'. I would like to think so and I've seen people do it. But I'm this spoiled little brat of a Christian that truly doesn't get it. I like to think I am of use, even if it's just blogging, but I often wonder if I'm just 'a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal'. (I Cor. 13:1) I read Lewis and MacDonald and somehow thing that I will enter the next room with my 'Super Christian' cape ready to foil the plots of evil men. What I actually do is enter the next room and start complaining about my job, my bills, my inability to get into size 36 jeans anymore and so forth.

Yeah, I'll confess that I believe in Christ, but you'll have to put a gun to my head.