I struggle with self-confidence. You wouldn't really think so to be around me because I can come across as loud, brash, mouthy; a real trash talker when watching the sport of my choice. I know more than all the political pundits put together and if only coaches would listen to me. But really I have always had a fairly low self-esteem problem. Part of this is probably genetic but the other part is 'church-conditioning'. No, I'm not going to be one of those that wants to blame the church for all the problems in the world but simply to point out what I think is true for me.
Growing up the son-of-a-preacher-man (cue the song), I have always been around the Church and it's teachings. While a great deal of doctrine has been good for me the one that seems to occupy most of my mind and time is that of sin. I have never felt worthy to be called a Christian and I've always wondered if I should just lose the title and move on to something else less hypocritical; like physics. Since about 5th grade I have been an avid cusser. To me it has become a language that I'm as fluent in as Bush is in Spanish; ok, I'm better at cussing than Bush is at speaking Spanish. I respond to most times of stress, aggravation, exhaustion, my teams losing, etc. with a wondrous string of expletives that would make Eddie Murphy proud. Some folks are 'golly Christians'; some are 'darn Christians'; some are 'damn Christians' and I'm, well, I'm what Bill Cosby would say is a 'fill, fouth, filth, foul Chrisitian'. Doesn't really seem like the two should be lumped together.
I admit this character flaw for several reasons. First of all, just to remind us that I'm no expert on anything; except maybe cursing. And make no mistake, it's not my only flaw. :-) Secondly, to confess this openly is like telling a secret I've had for some time. Of course it's about as good a secret as saying Hillary Clinton is running in 2008 for President; duh. Finally, I just want you all to know that this isn't something I'm proud of and in fact it has led me to believe that I'm pretty worthless as a believer in Christ and really have nothing to offer anyone. Yeah, it does that to me. It is simply a battle that I can't seem to win and wish to no longer fight. In feeling this way I have felt that God has no use for me and would simply turn his nose up to me at the very mention of me doing anything with Him. I just don't feel worthy at times. I don't know who I am. More importantly, I'm not sure Who's I am.
Here's where my recent readings have helped me. Especially the things written by George MacDonald. I recently read some stuff by him that has caused me to pause and rethink 'who I am' and 'what I'm worth' to God. MacDonald goes to great pains to tell us that it isn't necessarily what we're made up of, but what we're made for that gives us our worth.
"For He regards men not as they are merely, but as they shall be; not as they shall be merely, but as they are now growing, or capable of growing toward that image after which he made them that they might grow to it....The truth of the flower is, not the facts about it, be they correct as ideal science itself, but the shining, glowing, gladdening, patient thing throned on its stalk--the compeller of smile and tear..... The idea of God is the flower: His idea is not the botany of the flower. Its botany is but a thing of ways and means--of canvas and color and brush in relation to the picture in the painter's brain.... The truth of a thing, then, is the blossom of it, the thing it is made for.."
I don't believe in excusing poor behavior. I don't believe in it for myself or for others. However, I am compelled to admit that I'm starting to 'understand' that myself and many others have some reasons for why we/they behave in a certain way. Face it folks, we all have SOMETHING. It may not be cussing. It may be lust, greed, selfishness, pride, seeing everyone with the eyes of judgment or even simple gossip. But we do have something that makes us up and keeps us from being who we can be; mainly because we allow it to become the THING about us and we forget who we really are. It is this constant battling between what I do and what I am supposed to do that has caused me to lose sight of who I am. I do believe that nature and nurture are both vitally important in the development of anyone. I'm starting to think nature plays a bigger role than I may have wanted to believe previously. But here's the thing. No matter what our condition, God knows. No matter how hard the battle, God knows. No matter how many times we fail, God knows. And what is it He knows? He knows the blossom that you will be not just simply the botany of you. That is why in my previous post I so highlighted the fact that we can't simply try to sit around and figure everything out. Eventually we need to get on with the thing of getting to know Jesus. CS Lewis in his book Mere Christianity puts it this way.
" But if you are a poor creature- poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual, perversion- nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends-do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all-not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)"
Now, in no way is there an excuse for the behavior, just the knowledge that God knows what circumstances you have gone through and He may yet have a use for you/me. MacDonald says of wrongdoing that "No man is condemned for anything he has done, he is condemned for continuing to do wrong." For me, this means that while God may know the reason for my cursing and many other sins, and while He may still have a great use for me, there should be no lull in me trying to be a better person and improve my faults. I can't wait to be 'fixed' to do His will. But this is ONLY going to happen if I grow in my relationship with HIM and I quit trying to 'figure me out'. This is where the Church should come in. I shouldn't have to go to Church to realize what a wretch I am, for I know all about that already. I should be able to go and find the Truth that will help free me from my wretched behavior. I need loved, spots and all. How many 'sinners' are we casting aside because they don't measure up to our 'standards'? Are you kidding me? I've said this before but if we get rid of all the 'sinners' in Church, then what are you all going to be doing on Sundays from now on? I don't mean to be harsh but some Churches and some Church folks need a bit of a 'spiritual reality check'. Are we really helping sex addicts? Are we really helping alcoholics? Are we really helping drug abusers? I can't answer that for you, but I know that I'm not doing my part. I can answer this; most people really don't have an idea of who they are because the messages are getting too jumbled. We are either saved by Grace or we aren't. We are either supposed to love one another or we aren't. We are either supposed to lead people to a better relationship with Jesus or we aren't. We're either all sinners or I need to just say 'check please' and go about my merry away and be done with this Christianity thing. Because if it's not about loving others and serving God, then would someone please tell me what we're supposed to be doing?
Most people really don't know that they have a worth that is above the most precious of stones; that's greater than even their sins. Most people feel lost and dirty and useless. Here's the thing: it's not about 'most' people, it's about all of us. All of us need Jesus. I don't care if you're an elder or a casual drinker of beer. We can either build each other up and walk with each other as we get to know this Jesus person better or a pox on all of us. You are valuable. You are precious. You are needing a Savior and save you He has. Spend some time with Him and get to know who you really are. You'll also get to know everyone else around you a bit better as well. And then be in awe of the 'awesome blossoms'. :-)
