As many of you know I am reading a ton of stuff by the Scottish writer, George MacDonald. MacDonald wrote most of his stuff from the mid to late 1800's. His writings were so cutting edge that he was basically run out of the ministry because he went against 'traditional doctrine'. The man was/is revolutionary in his thinking and his theology. His novels, fairy tales and sermons are an amazing read. Most of what I'm reading are the edited versions of his writings by the author Michael Phillips. MacDonald's original writings are more than most people can handle in tone and language.
Recently I've been reading MacDonald's thoughts on the self and the will. He talks about how these two things must be separated not just simply so they can't speak with one another, but they need to be in different universes all together. In talking about the self and what it's motives are towards us, I think he hits on something that can help every addict I've ever known. I have addictions and I have family members whose lives have been controlled and in some ways, ruined by addictions of various kinds. I do believe that many struggles are chemical and that it takes quiet a long process to recover from these dependencies. I also believe very strongly that if you don't enlist the help of God, whatever you may 'overcome', you really never will 'overcome' the real problem: self.
What does our self and our will do with one another that leads so many of us in making poor choices; choices like drink, drugs, pornography, violence, etc? Philips, in response to MacDonald's writings on the matter says, 'the self is the seat of our wants and desires, our fleshly and soulish inclinations. The will is the seat of our decision-making power, that place within us where choices are made..... for most the moment the desire is felt, the decision is made. I want, therefore I will. The self and will, functioning in complete harness and unity, act as a single expression of personhood.' Did you follow that? Basically we allow our 'self' to say that it 'wants' something. Then, without hesitation or consultation, the will says, 'I will have it'. The goal isn't to listen to the self and then have the will make better choices. No, the goal is to throw the self out on it's ears and have no more to say about anything. Philips says this, 'But if we hope to live as children of God, MacDonald says this equation must be recomputed. Decisions are no more to have anything to do with what the self wants or does not want.... The two do not see each other. They do not speak to one another. They exert no influence over the other. The planets (of self and will) have been gravitationally disconnected.'
Self denial isn't going to quit existing.... it's not going to quit saying 'I want'. Most people, MacDonald says, are under the false assumption that to die to sin is simply to give a bunch of stuff up. MacDonald says that now the 'I will' functions out of a different seat. The self is no longer allowed to have any voice or vote with the will and that a new equation comes about. Instead of 'I want, therefore I will' the self is now allowed to only say 'I want, therefore nothing'. The will then takes up the equation of 'He wants, therefore, I will'. Obviously the self is no longer pleased with it's demotion and a fight will take place. You know this fight don't you? I sure do. The fighting of the self to have it's way over your will is, at times, overwhelming and seemingly a battle that can't be won. I don't care if it's diet, alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, stealing, lying.... whatever the sin or vice may be, it will not die quietly. Philips says, 'All it's life it has controlled the will. Now to be told that its influence is over, dead, past---verily will it fight back! And so we too must meet the challenge boldly and head on, confronting its whimpers and arguments and lies with fortitude and determination. The equation for ruling self becomes: I want therefore..... QUIET! Away with you! You have no more say here!"
MacDonald writes to the self something that I think everyone fighting any addiction or simply fighting the battle of 'you over God' needs to read, perhaps daily. It truly puts self in it's place:
"Self, I do not have to consult you, but him whose idea is the soul of you, and of which as yet you are all unworthy. I have to do, not with you, but with the source of you, by whom it is that any moment you exist. He is the causing of you, not the caused you. You may be my consciousness, but you are not my being. If you were, what a poor, miserable, dingy, weak wretch I should be! But my life is hid with Christ in God, whence it came and whither it is returning. You will return with me, certainly, but as an obedient servant, not a master.
Submit, or I will cast you from me and pray to have another consciousness given me. For God is more to me than my consciousness of myself. Here is my life, you are only so much of it as my poor half-made being can grasp--as much of it as I can know at once. Because I have fooled and spoiled you, treated you as if you were indeed my own self, you have dwindled yourself and have lessened me till I am ashamed of myself. If I were to heed what you say, I should soon be sick of you. Even now I am more and more disgusted with your paltry, mean face, which I meet at every turn. No! let me have the company of the Perfect One, not of you! He is my elder brother, the Living One! I will not make a friend of the mere shadow of my own being!
Good-bye, Self! I deny you, and will do my best every day to leave you behind me."
What a journey this may be for me. I'm only 2 days (Oct 9th) into it and it's already a huge battle. My self is big, fat and used to getting his way. He wants to say certain things and do certain things. Will I really be able to change? (whatever that means) I have to hope so. This isn't about giving up this or giving up that. It's about a different mindset entirely. I want to love people. I want to see people as Christ sees them. I'm one of the most judgmental people you could ever know. I'm really not nice to people that aren't like me. My Self thinks he's the king.... he's angry to be told that not only is he lowly, but he must be placed on the alter and sacrificed completely.
DING! DING!
Let the fight begin.
