One by One......

It seems they've faded a bit from the headlines. It seems that maybe we are so war weary that we have put them on the back burner, only to remember them at holidays. As the changing of administrations in Washington has occurred, so has our feelings about what they're doing and what they've done. I don't want their actions to fade from my mind. I don't want their lives simply mentioned on page 3 of the paper while the stars of yesterday demand the headlines of today. I don't want to debate war and it's cost. I don't want to argue for or against based on political blinders. I simply want to acknowledge these men and women that serve this nation and each of us. 'For no greater love has a man but that he lay down his life for his friend.' I simply don't want to forget that. For my family members and yours that are serving or have served over seas, this video is for them. It's a song by 'Alter Bridge' called One by one and it speaks of the costs of war.



The lyrics to the song:
Underneath the desert sun
They bid my brother's blood to run
Many miles away
Hell has come today

Fire raining from the sky
See the face of fear asking one last time
Let me get home safe
Before it's too late

[Chorus:]
One by one
The brave will fall
Life is lost again
They gave it all

Deep within the castle walls
So many grieve as funeral songs
Echo endlessly
Ode to memories

This sacrifice of flesh and blood
For a promised land that may not be won
Let us not forget the hero laid to rest

[Chorus]

And they gave it all
A price we can't ignore
Is there hope in what they're dying for?
For every hero born
From every family torn
We will honor you forevermore

One for all....

Nothing much to write but this... Don't care if you're Protestant, Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, Quaker, Agnostic, even Atheist.... this blood was for you. I'm humbled by it; I'm awed by it and I'm completely unworthy of it.

Institutionalized

One of my all-time favorite movies is 'The Shawshank Redemption'. If you haven't seen this movie, then you are missing out on an amazing experience. It will give you many themes and messages if you watch it multiple times as I have. Sometimes the word 'hope' will come through. Sometimes the word from the title, 'Redemption' will scream its way into your mind. Perhaps you will watch it and see the themes of 'truth', 'pain', and maybe even 'death' will play out. I've probably seen this movie 50 times either in whole or in part and I always come away with something. It makes me think, feel and question. It's really more than a movie.

I was riding on the train the other day and watching it again on my iPod. Now, we are no longer 'allowed' to do that but I wasn't the actual conductor and was hanging out on the rear unit so I felt ok with it. Let's keep that between us shall we? Anyway, I was watching Shawshank again and a great scene came up that had to deal with the concept of being 'institutionalized'--meaning that one has spent so much time in one place, or institution, that they have no idea how to live outside of those confines.

In the scene prior to the one you'll watch, one of 'Shawshank's' (which is a prison by the way) oldest prisoners, Brooks, receives his parole. To the shock of his friends in the prison, he becomes so distraught with this that he holds a knife to one of their throats thinking that if he kills the man he'll get to stay. It's a powerful moment in the film and later we follow Brooks as he tries to make it on the 'outside'. I won't ruin that for you if you haven't seen the film.

In this scene, one of the main characters, Red, is trying to explain the concept of being 'institutionalized' to his fellow prisoners. It has some language in it that you may not find appropriate, but it is what it is... you've been warned. :-)



I want to make special note of this line from Red:

'These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them.'

You know where I'm going with this don't you? Yeah, I'm going to Church. And if you thought that right off then you are tapping into something that I think is a very important point and I would even say, is a warning for us Christians.

I've spent 39 years in Church. I grew up a preacher's kid, went to Bible college, served both as a youth pastor and head pastor and I've also just been 'Joe attender'. How many times have you felt 'bad' for not 'going to church'? How many times have you felt like you 'did what you were supposed to' because you went to church? How many times have you sat in church and been quite content only to completely freak out when you go back to 'the real world'? I've done all these things... often.

This isn't a diatribe against the Church at all. No, this is more of a warning to you and to me... the members, the 'regular attenders' or even the visitors. I think many of us have been 'institutionalized' by attending church and completely losing sight of what it mean to actually 'live like Christ'. I'm not sure that many of us have a faith that goes far beyond those walls. (I'm speaking pretty hard to me here) I'm not sure that we really could 'make it' on the outside of those walls. Brooks felt he had nothing to offer the outside because he had spent most of his life inside the walls of Shawshank.

You are more than the building you go to. You are more than what the people in that building think of you. You are more than a program or a song. You are more than the sins you've committed and you are more than simply a number on an attendance sheet. You are 'the church'. You are it's body, it's life. You are the very message of love and hope that so many need to see and hear... The many that are 'outside' the walls you worship behind. I often hear and I've often said, 'man, I really have trouble getting up and going to church'. I think the problem is a different one-- I think we have a problem getting up and getting out of church. I think many of us are 'institutionalized'.

The Grapefruit and The Caramel Popcorn

It's funny when certain things come to us. I don't mean just the random, everyday things like where we decide to go eat or which 'off-brand' can of corn to buy. I mean the deeper things; the things that move us closer to each other and closer to God. You know, those 'moments'.

I recently had a conversation with my friend Seth. It was one of those late night brand of talks that often can take you into the wee hours of the morning and, in fact, it did just that with us. I believe I finally walked out of his side door at approximately 1:30 am. It was a great talk. We have had many talks that have been similar to that one for the better part of 20 years, but this one has stuck with me a bit longer than many. We shared things and heard things that may have not been our own voices if you get my meaning. Granted, at one point Seth said that if I were to ever utter any of these things that he and I were saying in a church, we would perhaps be burned at the stake and maybe he was right. But the one thing I will mention, without fear of being Bar-b-cued on the fine piece of wood that is our modern day church, is that God is still speaking and God is still moving.

Duh! You might be saying. Well, when I say God is still speaking, I think He is still speaking in the same ways that He spoke to Paul, John, Peter, etc. No, I'm not going to write an epistle but I do believe that the God I worship has not remained silent-I think we have grown deaf. I'm going to leave this alone for now, but I want you to think about a God that still moves and still speaks. Perhaps I'll finish this thought another day. Now, on to the Grapefruit and the Caramel Popcorn...

I've been reading a book of letters that CS Lewis wrote to various people throughout his amazing life. In reading these letters, those that have read any of his books can see where much of his writings (in a professional way) came from and the inspirations behind those writings. It has been a great read and I would encourage you to pick up a copy (Yours, Jack).

The other night I was called to work a yard job from 2300 (that's 11pm for you 9-5 folks) until whenever... turned out to be about 6am. We finished up the majority of our switching and the guy I was working with, and myself were sitting in the crew room eating our 'lunches'. I was reading a letter that CS Lewis wrote to his lifelong friend, Arthur Greeves. It covered many things but the bulk of the letter was about 'evil' and whether or not it could exist along side the 'goodness' of God. I won't do it justice, but I will pick out 'part' of what he says regarding how God uses evil, or better said, how we try to use evil to 'fill holes' that only God can fill with perfect good.

"Therefore God does really in a sense contain evil--i.e. contains what is the real motive power behind all our evil desires. He knows what we want, even in our vilest acts: He is longing to give it to us. He is not looking on from the outside at some new 'taste' or 'separate desire of our own'. Only because he has laid up real goods for us to desire are we able to go wrong by snatching them in greedy, misdirected ways. The truth is that evil is not a real thing at all, like God. It is simply good spoiled. That is why I say there can be good without evil, but no evil without good..... Evil is a parasite. It is there only because good is there for it to spoil and confuse."

Now, as I read these words I tried to take it in. 'Is Lewis saying that evil isn't real'? 'Is he saying that God created evil to show us how flawed we are?' But I think I made it too complicated and then something helped me formulate an analogy. Good is to Grapefruit as evil is to Carmel Popcorn. Surely you are asking why I chose these foods. Well, as I mentioned I was at work and my co-worker and I were killing some time and decided it was a good moment to take in some nourishment. I will give you 10 guess as to which one of us had the Grapefruit and the first 9 guesses don't count. That's correct, I DID NOT have a Grapefruit. I'm pretty sure that it is a fruit that is soon to be banned for public consumption. But I kid you not just as I read the words, 'It is simply good spoiled' I thought, 'Ah crap! I'm eating evil!'.

You see both of us had a desire for something good. Both of us were hungry. Both of us resorted to seeking out a product to fill this 'need' that we were experiencing at that moment. Both of our intentions were right and noble: God made us creatures that need food and we were simply following our Lord's design by seeking food. My co-worker chose a very 'good' source of food. There is no doubt of the healthiness and the out right juicy wonderment that is a grapefruit... it is, as God would say, Goooood. And then there's me. And my popcorn. A really freaking big bag of popcorn I might add. It was a 'Dillons card' purchase of $1.99. It was cheap, it was easy and it was coated in a sugary potion that seemed to force my right hand to continually enter it and withdraw these little bites of hell. As I looked at my sad, bag of corny goodness I felt bad because did it know that is was simply 'good spoiled'?

I know there are some really horrific things that happen to us and to people throughout the world. It's a much bigger situation than to simply quantify one side as 'Grapefruits' and the other side as 'Carmel Corn'. But in this analogy lies a truth: sometimes we really have the intentions of doing right but simply choose the wrong avenues to travel and the wrong materials to help fill our 'God-shaped' voids. We aren't necessarily bad people, but sometimes that is how evil works it's greatest power--in making 'good people' choose 'spoiled things'. It may be in what we wear, what we eat, what we drink, what we watch, etc. Sometimes we simply aren't being all that we were made to be because we are 'settling' for what's cheap and easy and tastes ooooooh so yummy.

There are Grapefruits and there are bags of Caramel Corn--both aimed at filling a need, but giving very different results.... choose wisely.

What is wrong with you people?

Christians I mean. Yeah, you... the ones sitting there going over, once again, what you think this verse or that verse means and how many people you can now send to hell based on your new found theology. I'm not holding punches in this post. I'm sick of you... all of you.

My blessed, little evangelical friends cannot seem to EVER get it or leave well enough alone. The new target-of-the-month? A book called 'The Shack' by William P Young. A great, somewhat disturbing book, about a guy that suffers a loss like no other and in his quest to heal meets up with God in a very unique way and in a very unique place. 'The Shack' has met surprising success in the literary world and has sold over 1.1 million copies. Usually when this happens in the 'Christian' world, criticism usually follows such success. (unless your church now draws thousands of people, then it's 'all good') So what is the problem with this book about grace and healing? Mr. Young apparently is trying to send us all to hell with a 'warped' presentation of the Trinity--God, the Father- Jesus, the Son- and The Holy Spirit. Mind you, this wonderful word, trinity, is NEVER used in the Bible, but apparently Mr. Young must now be called out in public by 'really hip' and 'really young' new breeds of pastors that can release their ill-conceived rants on youtube for one and all to see and hear. I believe in the concept of the Trinity, but I get a real kick out of the millions that have tried to explain it and can't seem to agree with each other on many of the finer points. Pretty solid doctrine there huh?

One of these great 'new stars' in the evangelical universe is Mr. Mark Driscoll. Oh, he's an impressive guy. He's a pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church (not the one Rob Bell started) in Seattle and has an adoring flock of about 6000 sheep. Mr. Driscoll's favorite word is heretic. He throws this word to William Young and even to the likes of Rob Bell. What's a heretic? Thanks for asking.

"Someone who disobeys or disbelieves fundamental tenets of a religion they claim to belong to; Of or pertaining to heresy or heretics."

Another fun definition is

• a person who holds religious beliefs in conflict with the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church or
  
• a person who holds unorthodox opinions in any field (not merely religion)

From a USAtoday article, here is a blip about the controversy:

Albert Mohler, a leading theologian of the Southern Baptist Convention, which takes the Bible literally, trashes The Shack in his weekly radio show, calling it "deeply subversive," "scripturally incorrect" and downright "dangerous."

Says Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle: "If you haven't read The Shack, don't!"

(this by the way, is my favorite Driscoll quote. I mean let's make sure people don't read anything for themselves you dolt as not to possibly question your unshakable standing as knowing the complete truth of all theological banter)

Driscoll, whose multi-campus non-denominational church is packed with 6,000 people each weekend in the least-churched corner of the nation, says he is "horrified" by Young's book. He says "it misrepresents God. Young misses the big E on the eye chart."

I don't want to give the book away but Young presents the Godhead, or Trinity, in a very unique way. He has the main character, Mack, interact with them in a manner that catches some off guard and yet it is very moving to read the interactions that Mack has with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. People, this book IS NOT ABOUT THE TRINITY! This book is not a work of doctrine or theology, it is fiction....you know, NOT TRUE! However, to be fair, there are issues of doctrine and theology addressed as themes, conversations, and metaphors in the book. That is without dispute. I'm sure that Mr. Young may have a view of the Trinity that would be a bit different than the 'mainstream' thinking found roaming the halls of Evangelical thought. But so what? Again, you give me 10 pastors and I bet I can dig 8-9 , somewhat different, opinions regarding the doctrine.

The trinity is a major theme of the book. Again, this isn't in dispute. But it's the way God, in particular, is presented that has many, like Driscoll, so unnerved. Mark’s view has no tolerance for God the Father represented as a female (sorry to give that away), and he believes that to represent Him as a fictional character is making a graven image (Hey dill weed, ever read CS Lewis and a Lion named Aslan?) . Also, Mark’s doctrine strongly opposes a non-hierarchical understanding of the trinity.

According to him, those who accept the picture of God - Father, Son, and Spirit - described in the book The Shack are not thinking folks and are embracing a heretical doctrine. Are you kidding me? Driscoll actually thinks there are people that think, after reading The Shack, that God is a large black woman? Seriously? Really? Honestly? Did these same people vote for Al Franken?

If you haven't read this book then this blog is hitting you like me telling you all about a movie you haven't seen. Well, read the book. If you think it's garbage, fine. I have no problem with that. My problem is egomaniacs like Driscoll telling me that this or that is garbage and encouraging me not to look into it myself. I AM SO SICK of that brand of Christianity. I have fought that my whole life when it comes to music. I'm sure Mark would say that it's 'heretical' to play Van Halen for an alter call. Well guess what 'pastor'? I've done it and I'd do it again. Again, my problem isn't that Driscoll has a problem with the book. Fine. It's that he calls people heretics without ever meeting them and says that I'm, or anyone reading 'The Shack' isn't not sharp enough to figure out that the book is fiction and it may lead me to hell. Give me a break. I have soooooo many other things that would do that before this book would. :-)

Here's the conclusion of the USAtoday article and I love Young's comments:

Mohler, Driscoll and other evangelicals pick The Shack apart plank by plank.

No, God can't be a presented as a woman. No, the three parts of the Trinity did not all become fully human. Yes, there is a hierarchy in the Holy Trinity with God the Father in command. Yes, God will punish sin.

Young shrugs them off. Out there in America, where only three in 10 people attend weekly worship services and millions are ignorant of the Bible, his readers struggle to find a good God amid their pain.

As for critics, he shakes his head.

"I don't want to enter the Ultimate Fighting ring and duke it out in a cage-match with dogmatists. I have no need to knock churches down or pull people out," he says.

"I have a lot of freedom by knowing that you really experience God in relationships, wherever you are. It's fluid and dynamic, not cemented into an institution with a concrete foundation."

"But it's not about me. I have everything that matters, a free and open life full of love and empty of all secrets."

Well said sir. Well said.

People you may not like many things about popular culture or even things found trolling around in Christian book stores, that's fine. What needs to stop, or at least have the brakes applied to it to slow it down, is this constant drumbeat of 'well meaning Christians' screaming SINNER!!!! or HERETIC!!!! Enough already. Haven't we sent enough people to hell by not simply modeling what Jesus wanted of us in regards to widows and orphans? Have we not already been heretics by watching people around us struggle and suffer and yet we spend $70,000 on a new Church sign? I dare say that millions will come to better understand the grace of God by reading 'The Shack'. If that be the work of a heretic then SIGN ME UP!

I'm glad William (Paul) Young wrote 'The Shack'. I'm glad it made me think. I'm glad it made me feel something that I hadn't felt in a while. I'm glad 'thinking people' can discuss the book without issuing tickets for hell. I'm glad that my God isn't above searches and isn't above questions. I'm glad my God welcomes those that wish to express and explore and not simply 'accept' the alms fed to the masses.

___________________________________________________________________

I challenge all of you to something: Give more away this Christmas than you spend on yourself or your own family. Have some sort of interaction with someone this Christmas that has far less than you. I know we can all give to this charity or that charity and that is a good thing. But I want you to think about actually handing something to someone directly and telling them that they are being thought of in a special way. I will fire up the 'Elpis Van' (my minivan) and hit downtown on some cold nights and hand out gloves and blankets. Come join us. Find a family close to you that isn't going to have much for Thanksgiving or Christmas and do something for them. I'm tired people. I'm tired of disussing this verse and that verse coupled with this wing of dogma vs. that tree of theology. I'm tired of worrying about whether I'll ever be 'good enough' to let God love me or even to love myself. I'm tired. I just want to see myself and others around me help each other and love each other. You know, 'widows and orphans'. You know, 'do unto others'. You know, 'Love your neighbor'. I'm pretty sure Jesus never said, 'don't screw up the doctrine of the Trinity or there'll be hell to pay'. Pastors, lead your flock to the truth. Don't 'become' their truth.

Why parents matter

I could make this a really long blog that would point out more obvious things than a Presidential debate, but I'll keep it fairly short because the point SHOULD be so clear that I should have no need of repeating it... but I will.

Parents matter. I did not grow up in a broken home but in my life I have been able to witness the effects of broken homes on kids from all walks of life. From Texas to Kansas, white kids to black kids to hispanic kids, rich kids to poor kids.... I worked with a wide variety to say the least. I can easily say that 99% of these kids came from a broken home. They were either being raised by a mom, a dad or in many cases the Grandparents were being called on to help out. Most of the kids I worked with were boys and most of these boys were either in, or nearing membership in a gang of some kind. All of these kids were broken and in most cases, their lives had spun out of control through no fault of their own. Sure, many of them made stupid choices and couldn't see beyond their own pain to make better decisions. But the act that got that ball rolling was usually a parent, or two, deciding that they couldn't make it together and in some cases, couldn't make it as parents period.

My son just had a bit of a crying session this morning. I barked at him a bit because I thought he and the other kids were fighting about toys. Konnie came down afterwards and let me know that it wasn't toys they were fighting about, it was heaven. Apparently somehow the topic of dying came up and one of the kids that stays with us during the day said, 'when you go to heaven you live there forever.' Kenyon, who is 5, said 'but after 3 days you get to come home again'. He was getting parts of the story confused. When it was made clear to him that you do not get to come home again, he started crying. When pressed about this by Konnie, he simply said, 'I don't want to be without you and dad, I want to be able to come home.' Damn that kid is sweet.

It reminded me that parents matter. We get caught up in so many other things in our lives; bills, job, 401(k) plans, fighting about this and that, worrying about those things over there. Sometimes we lose focus. I found this article by Kerby Anderson. It's located at http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/broken.html
Here's a quote from it:

Families are the bedrock of society. When families fall apart, society falls into social and cultural decline. Ultimately the breakdown of the American family is at the root of nearly every other social problem and pathology.
Just a few decades ago, most children in America grew up in intact, two-parent families. Today, children who do so are a minority. Illegitimacy, divorce, and other lifestyle choices have radically altered the American family, and thus have altered the social landscape.
Karl Zinsmeister of the American Enterprise Institute has said, "There is a mountain of scientific evidence showing that when families disintegrate, children often end up with intellectual, physical and emotional scars that persist for life." He continues, "We talk about the drug crisis, the education crisis, and the problem of teen pregnancy and juvenile crime. But all these ills trace back predominantly to one source: broken families."

Recently Konnie and I have been a part of a small group that is part church affliated and part our own creation. It's part of 'Elpis Church' (see family site for details). We have decided in this group that we want to do things for people in need. Konnie had a friend that had recently been going through some difficult times and found herself alone with her 5 kids to care for. We went over, as a group, to her house to help her out with some things that needed to be done. As we worked around the house, the 5 children were checking us out and I'm sure they were wondering 'what are these people doing here'. Really beautiful kids. As a couple of us were painting the steps that led to the back yard it was getting close to nightfall and we had been there for over an hour. As we painted I heard the youngest child crying. Then I heard her broken little voice saying, 'I want my daddy.... I want my daddy.' I don't need to tell you how hard that was to hear. I don't need to tell you how a little heart cries out for it's mom or dad. I don't need to tell you because you've heard it haven't you? You know that voice and you know that cry.

So I will now cuss at you and me. Parents, it is time to get your (our) crap together. It is time for you to quit whinning about where you thought life would take you and relish the place you are now. It is time answer the cry of that little girl. When the cry comes saying 'I miss my daddy', Dads, it's time to answer with 'I'm right here honey'. Moms, when that little boy says he doesn't want to be without you he isn't kidding and it's time for you to answer, 'Baby, I'll always be here'. Nobody winds up with the marriage they thought they were getting. People change and circumstances change. But I want to challange all of you with kids to lesson your focus on yourself and increase the attention on your kids. I need to work on this and I hope that you will join me in surrounding our kids with a hedge of love that is unbreakable. I remember a line from the movie 'The Crow': 'Mother is the word for God on the lips of every child'. You matter. Your choices matter. Your lack of choices matters. Why? Because what matters the most is the impact you are and will have on these beautiful kids.

When a train blows up

When a train blows up, it changes things. As many of you know, Union Pacific lost some great men in the last couple of weeks. Richard Pendarvis (whom I knew) and Larry Williams (whom I did not know) of Oklahoma were killed August 31st when a train they took from Wichita, heading to Oklahoma, hit a propane truck killing both of them and the driver of the propane truck. Ironically, the driver of the truck was a former conductor on the Rock Island railroad; you would think he'd know better. Here is a photo of the engine that Pendarvis and Williams were on.


I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, they died in a fiery explosion that is the fear of every railroader riding a train. The scary thing for us is they did nothing wrong. They were simply going about their business, running things how they should be run. The truck pulled out in front of them after having just loaded his truck with propane. He apparently didn't even look because it was a clear day and you could see down the rail for miles. It was also the driver's first solo run.

I never handle things like this very well. I tend to empathize with people maybe a bit too much during tragic events and lose the ability to remove myself from the event. It didn't help that 2 days later we lost a man that worked in Wichita and was a mentor to many of us in Wichita. John Wylie died September 2nd at his farm from a freak accident. He was a quiet man that led by deed, not just word. He was very laid back and a pleasure to work with.

Crap happens doesn't it? I mean, everyday people are lost from this earth through no fault of their own. The phrase 'wrong place at the wrong time' just doesn't seem to do justice to it but it is the reality of it. I've cried a lot the last 2 weeks, but not just about this. I wondered what plans these men all had. Did they have their 401k plans high enough to retire on? Did they have trips planned that they hadn't been able to do yet? Did they have kids they had not talked to in awhile? Did they have friends they had been meaning to call, but just didn't get around to it?

I want to propose something to you. I want to propose 'The Pendarvis Rule'. I named it that not only because I knew Richard Pendarvis but he also has a fun last name to say. My friend 'Johnny Train' (who I mentioned in another blog) used to love saying his name; drawing it out nice and long--- Pendaaaaaaaaaaarvis. Here's the rule: quit putting things off. If there is something you want to do, do it. If there is something you need to say to someone you love, say it. If there is somewhere you need to go, go there. If there is something you've done that needs 'cleaned up', then clean it up. If you want to go to school, go. If you want to quit your job and try something else, then do it. Granted, your bills, like my bills, my not allow for such freedom but I think you get the basic idea.

The writer in Ecclesiastes 11:6-8 gets it right when he says,

6 Go to work in the morning
and stick to it until evening without watching the clock.
You never know from moment to moment
how your work will turn out in the end.

Before the Years Take Their Toll

7-8 Oh, how sweet the light of day,
And how wonderful to live in the sunshine!
Even if you live a long time, don't take a single day for granted.
Take delight in each light-filled hour,
Remembering that there will also be many dark days
And that most of what comes your way is smoke.

I'm not sure how good I will be at this. I tend to 'wait' or 'fear what might happen' but I do know that life is short, too short.

I know every routine those men went through on that fateful day; I do them every time I'm at work and on a train. I know the things you think. I know the conversations they were having. It's almost like I was there; all of us railroaders have been there. I'm sure they made calls telling loved ones where they were and what time they'd be home. I'm sure they had plans.... and this sounds cliche and pardon the pun, but those plans literally went up in smoke in the flash of an eye. Based on the reports I've read, they had about 10 seconds to know they were in serious trouble. They tried to make a run for it out the back door but the blast was simply too great. It blew part of the tank on the truck over 1/2 mile away. Our friends were found in the ditch next to the rail.

'The Pendarvis Rule' simply reminds us all that we aren't guaranteed a single moment more on this earth and with this life. I've blown so many chances to do so many things but I've also filled my life with great memories by doing things that weren't always 'planned'. Enjoy your lives. Quit brooding over all that you don't have and simply bask in the glory of all you have been given. Quit fighting with your spouse. Get over it already. Quit forcing your kids to do things they don't want to do; love them. Quit harping about the past and start milking the present for all it's bloody worth.

I got a notice in the mail the other day about how my 401k is doing. I simply smiled and threw it away. Rest in peace John, Larry and Richard.

But now....

I was reading my bible the other day and, as often happens, I stumbled on something that I wasn't sure if I had ever read. Or if I had read it, it never took hold the way it did this day. I have struggled with something in my life and I'm currently struggling with this same issue as I see it in others' behavior in the church. That thing, or issue, is judgment. You know the sanctimonious type of judgment that essentially says to someone or even to yourself, 'you have offended me and you are no longer worthy of my love or respect. I must shun you now until you learn your lesson'. I bet you are thinking that that quote actually sounds harsher than the simple word judgment.

What is judgment? There are basically two occasions in which the bible talks about judgment. One we are to do and one we are not to do. There is a righteous kind of judgment we are supposed to exercise—with careful discernment (John 7:24). When Jesus told us not to judge (Matthew 7:1), He was telling us not to judge hypocritically. Matthew 7:2-5 declares, "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"

It's my opinion that unless you have the first one figured out, you need to be very wary of the second one. What I'm starting to hear among the faithful is that they now have the ability to confront others on their sins because they are able to discern when to 'judge' the sins of others as opposed to confronting the sin in their own life and keeping balance between the two. Granted, there are times that sins have to be confronted and other's actions should be questioned. Frankly, I think very few of us have figured out how to balance judment, but if you have, good for you. I guess my point isn't that we shouldn't confront sin, but it's how we confront it and how we shoul keeping check our intentions in bringing up the sins of others.

I said to start this that it was something I have always struggled with. I come across as very judgmental when it comes to the sins of others. But I'm also very judgmental when it comes to those that think it's their duty to mention the sins of others. In other words, I can do it, but you can't. So I have been looking for some answers to this. How does God judge? How does He want us to judge; both our sins and the sins of others?

The verse I read was Acts 26: 12-16

12-14"One day on my way to Damascus, armed as always with papers from the high priests authorizing my action, right in the middle of the day a blaze of light, light outshining the sun, poured out of the sky on me and my companions. Oh, King, it was so bright! We fell flat on our faces. Then I heard a voice in Hebrew: 'Saul, Saul, why are you out to get me? Why do you insist on going against the grain?'

15-16"I said, 'Who are you, Master?'

"The voice answered, 'I am Jesus, the One you're hunting down like an animal. But now, up on your feet—I have a job for you. I've handpicked you to be a servant and witness to what's happened today, and to what I am going to show you.

Doesn't seem like much of a verse really except that this is the moment when the guy that wrote most of the New Testament became a believer. So, it was kind of a big deal. Now this was part of Saul, now Paul's, testimony to King Agrippa. He was explaining to the king how he got where he was and the things he had done. What did Paul do while he was still Saul? Here's what he says earlier in the chapter.

9-11"I admit that I didn't always hold to this position. For a time I thought it was my duty to oppose this Jesus of Nazareth with all my might. Backed with the full authority of the high priests, I threw these believers—I had no idea they were God's people!—into the Jerusalem jail right and left, and whenever it came to a vote, I voted for their execution. I stormed through their meeting places, bullying them into cursing Jesus, a one-man terror obsessed with obliterating these people. And then I started on the towns outside Jerusalem.

What struck me as I read through these verses was the manner in which God dealt with Saul regarding his sin. After knocking him to his knees he questions him in a manner that basically says, 'dude, what is your deal'? Saul naturally asks, 'what are you talking about and who are you'. God says, 'I'm the one your jacking with'. Now, I would think this would be a great time for God to really lower the boom on Saul. I mean he could go through the whole list of things that Saul has done to spite Him and mock Him and even kill those who believe in Him and let Saul know that it was wrong and he's no longer able to associate with God. But this doesn't happen. I almost read a pause after Jesus says, 'I am Jesus, the One you're hunting down like an animal'. There had to be a pause and let that soak in a bit for Saul.

Has your bluff ever been called? Have you ever bitten off more than you can handle? Saul did. I'm sure he was on his knees going, 'oh crap. This isn't how I thought this would go. He's going to kill me and that will be that.' But no. Jesus says, 'But NOW, up on your feet- I have a job for you.' Saul had to be saying, 'what? that's it?' (in the actual story found earlier in Acts, Saul is blind for 3 days, so there is a bit more to the story). Notice the verse later where Paul says,

"What could I do, King Agrippa? I couldn't just walk away from a vision like that! I became an obedient believer on the spot. I started preaching this life-change—this radical turn to God and everything it meant in everyday life—right there in Damascus, went on to Jerusalem and the surrounding countryside, and from there to the whole world.

That phrase has stuck with me now for 3 weeks. 'But NOW, up on your feet- I have a job for you'. I have taken that as Jesus saying, 'THAT part of your life is over and we've talked about it.... time to move on big boy and do something for me.'

We don't handle the sins of others with such grace do we? Oh no. We must remind them constantly of how they wronged us or others. It's not enough to say, 'hey what's up with that?' And after it's been confessed or dealt with, to simply move on and love them or yourself just seems 'too easy'. Surely they must kiss my hand or mow my yard or pay me some money or..... something. We can't just say 'Hey, that was then, this is now.... let's move on'. You messed up but it's all good now.''

I'm probably way off base in how I'm reading this but you know what? I don't care. I'm at a point in my life where I need to be able to hear Jesus say, 'But NOW, up on your feet- I have a job for you.' I'm at a point where the things I've done and the mistakes I've made need to be left on the Damascus road and I need to move on to whatever God has for me. I've wronged Him and I've wronged others and even myself in the past; time to move on. Have you been wronged? Have you watched someone sin and just thought it was your job to point it out to them? Be careful with that. You may find yourself on a road one day and this Jesus fella knocks you to your knees and asks you to look at Him and yourself, no one else. It's amazing what a little grace shown can do for someone.

Make sure you hear what He has for you. He gives you the opportunity to admit what you've done, confront it and then leave it behind and move on to 'the job' that lies ahead. That's good news people... that is the Gospel.

The 'F' word

I know what you're thinking, especially those of you that may know me 'too' well. No, I'm not going to write about THE 'f' word or the art of cursing. I probably could spend some time on the matter but why abash myself more than I have already in the past? No, I have an even more important 'f' word on my mind these days. This word, in fact, is so important to me right now that I'm getting very close to saying that the entirety of the Christian faith and of your personal faith hinges on this word. This is going to be a long blog; a preachy blog. It will have the feel of a coach talking to a team at halftime that is underachieving, ignoring the playbook, fighting amongst each other and getting their butts handed to them by the other team. It is a speech that will focus on one word and one word only: Forgiveness.

I struggle with forgiveness. If you knew the level of resentment that I am capable of holding inside me towards others that I feel have either wronged me or wronged those around me, you would rightfully think a bit lower of me. This blog is part confession and part challenge and part butt chewing. I've never been very afraid of pointing out what I think are problems in the Church. Now this isn't because I think I'm above these same problems. Hardly! I readily admit to being a part of the problem and not very helpful on the solution side. When I was a pastor I would occasionally put a large mirror on the front pew just so that I could see myself; as a reminder that I was never above any sermon. I need to hear my own words at times.

Church, we have a problem.

Christians, you and I have a serious problem. As I said before I think the subject of forgiveness is so great that your very faith could hang in the balance. I have grown utterly disgusted with the level of forgiveness that you all offer each other and that I offer you. I am saddened to an equal degree to the level of forgiveness that we even offer ourselves. You see, one of my points is going to be that you simply CANNOT forgive others in a right manner if you haven't learned to forgive yourself and accept God's forgiveness for your sometimes inane behavior. We spend so much time beating ourselves up for things that we have done or said that we simply do not have the time, patience or energy to properly forgive others when they honestly seek peace and reconciliation. I'm growing sick of it. I'm growing sick of me.

I'm going to quote 2 sources: The Bible and CS Lewis. From my perspective those 2 sources should end all debate and question on this matter. If you feel the need to argue with either of them, then you may as well go hunting for purple elephants because you have officially left for crazy town. I will use 'the message' translation of the New Testament and it will read a little more 'modern' than some of you are used to.There are two great commandments in the Bible: Love God, Love People. I went to a local church near Goddard that is really growing in the city. They have a unique ministry style and worship service and recently they started a series called 'LGLP'. Love God, Love People. Granted they aren't quite as cutting edge as they think they are and they may throw their collective shoulders out patting themselves on the back, but I appreciate the heart of what they do. It's pretty much senior high camp on steroids but I think they are doing good things and they are appealing to a lot of needy people and that's never a bad thing. Anyway, during the message kicking off this series this verse was quoted: Matthew 22: 36-40

Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them."

Everything hangs from them. But when you hang something it has to have a base, a foundation. Hang a picture on a wall and you will usually want to find a stud to anchor that picture to and keep it from falling. In my opinion, forgiveness is that stud, that anchor on which the pegs of love God, love people hang from. If you do not have forgiveness as your anchor, then the 2 great 'pegs' of the law will fall and not be able to withstand any weight.
I don't think Jesus could be any clearer than He was about how important forgiveness is. I Mark he says,

"That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything. And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins."

Did you catch that? ONLY then will your heavenly Father be incline to also wipe your slate clean of sins. If you can't forgive someone, then your very soul is on the line; it's that big of a deal.
Is there a limit to forgiveness? Hardly! The words limit and forgiveness are incongruous. In Matthew 18 is this exchange between Jesus and his disciples:

"Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there."At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?"Jesus replied, "Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven."

People, I cannot express how sick I am of a church, a people, myself, that simply have chosen to read every book under the sun about peace, love, church growth, temperance, addiction, 5 step plans, 10 step plans, 12 step plans, etc. I was in 'Barnes and Nobles' the other day with my friend Seth and we were standing in the 'Christianity' section. Right next to it was the 'self help' section and next to that was the 'psychology' section. I almost passed out trying to quickly take in all the titles of books that had 'the answers'. The answers to what? Well, I guess the answers on being happy, content, free from addiction, free from sin, free from hate, free from food, free from love, free from self responsibility, free from dogma... free, free, free, free! Do you realize that until you learn the art and power of forgiveness you will be free from NOTHING! Self hate, self loathing and self abuse are at the core of why people want to read books that seek to 'free you'. Want to know how important forgiveness is? What was is that Jesus had to do in order to bridge the gap our sins had made with God? He had to DIE! And before that, be beaten to a bloody pulp by so called 'religious people and leaders'. That's how important it was and is. You must forgive each other and you must forgive yourself.

CS Lewis' thoughts on forgiveness have always blown me away. No one wrote like Lewis on matters of faith. Read these quotes..... I said READ them. Drink them in with every bit of your spiteful little souls. :-) This is long but it is so important for all of us to 'get it' and 'get it' right now. You are killing yourselves and each other with the stealth blows of resentment and bitterness.

"…If you don’t forgive you will not be forgiven. No part of His teaching is clearer, and there are no exceptions to it. He doesn’t say that we are to forgive other people’s sins provided they are not too frightful, or provided there are extenuating circumstances, or anything of that sort. We are to forgive them all, however spiteful, however mean, however often they are repeated. If we don’t, we shall be forgiven none of our own…"I find that when I think I am asking God to forgive me I am often…asking Him to do something quite different. I am asking Him not to forgive me but to excuse me. But there is all the difference in the world between forgiving and excusing. Forgiveness says, ‘Yes, you have done this thing, but I accept your apology; I will never hold it against you and everything between us will be exactly as it was before.’ But excusing says, ‘I see that you couldn’t help it or didn’t mean it; you weren’t really to blame.’ If one was not really to blame then there is nothing to forgive… what we call ‘asking God’s forgiveness’ very often really consists in asking God to accept our excuses… We are so very anxious to point these [‘extenuating circumstances’] out to God (and to ourselves) that we are apt to forget the really important thing; that is, the bit left over, the bit which the excuses don’t cover, the bit which is inexcusable but not, thank God, unforgivable. And if we forget this, we shall go away imagining that we have repented and been forgiven when all that has really happened is that we have satisfied ourselves with our own excuses…
"Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it. That, and only that, is forgiveness, and that we can always have from God if we ask for it."When it comes to a question of our forgiving other people…here also, forgiving does not mean excusing. Many people…think that if you ask them to forgive someone who has cheated or bullied them you are trying to make out that there was really no cheating or no bullying. But if that were so, there would be nothing to forgive. They keep on replying, ‘But I tell you the man broke a most solemn promise.’ Exactly: that is precisely what you have to forgive. (This doesn’t mean that you must necessarily believe his next promise. It does mean that you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart—every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out.)… In our own case we accept excuses too easily; in other people’s we do not accept them easily enough… To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single great injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life—to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son—how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night, ‘forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.’ We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions, and God means what He says."

Tell me that doesn't hit the nail on it's narrow, little head. 'To be a CHRISTIAN means to FORGIVE the INEXCUSABLE' Why? 'Because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you'. Dear Lord in heaven people can you possibly wrap your judgemental, little, tractable minds around that concept? Can I? I am so mean to people that I find serious fault with. I mean, if it were up to me the Carr brothers from Wichita that murdered 5 people several years ago would be dead like yesterday. If it were up to me the girls that beat their friend and video tapped it for youtube would never see freedom again until they were about 40. You don't even want to know the crap I can't forgive myself for.

There are two sentences that as I read the words of Jesus, will be said on the day of judgement: 'Well done good and faithful servant' or 'Depart from me, I never knew you'. What are the odds of us hearing 'well done' when we harbor such feelings towards others? I'm all for justice and consequences. So, when I speak of the unspeakable horrors of the Carr brothers I'm not saying they walk free and clear simply because they want forgiveness. No, they have a price to pay for the evil they unleashed on this town a few years ago. But am I allowed to hate them? Am I allowed to remind them of their crimes daily and pretend that I am sinless? I'm afraid not.
Is it not amazing that Jesus suffered and died so that we might have the freedom that forgiveness gives? Is it not more amazing that we mock it, misuse it and abuse it? To forgive is to live. I know that sounds like Johnnie Cochran but it's true. It is truly amazing that sinful little worms like us are offered the chance to be 'right' with a Perfect God. A God that so loves us that he suffered all and lost all so that your sins could be forgiven. And you're telling me that you are going to put conditions on forgiving others or yourself?

This is a big deal to me right now. I don't care about light shows, children's programs, catchy road signs, 5 year plans, the new carpet in the hallway.... I care about forgiveness and how that relates to loving God and loving people. If this has found you in a bad place, I hope it helps you out of that place. If this offends you, forgive me. :-)
Believe me, you haven't been so wronged by someone that you can't offer them the same grace, love and forgiveness that God offers you. Granted some injuries are so painful that it may literally take a life time to forgive the deed and the person, but take heart, God is right there with you and has already worked it out. Give it to Him and learn how to truly live free.

Youtube, Mariah, the Government and the big, 'ole church on the corner

People, we have lost our way and lost our focus. I know, 'another negative blog'. But more than just being negative I'm hoping to ask some questions of our great land and of our people: Have you lost your way? Do you know your history? Does being pleasant and decent mean anything any more? Are you more concerned with truth or image?

I have been watching the HBO mini-series on John Adams. One of our founding fathers and 2nd President, Mr. Adams was a remarkable man, in a remarkable time. To watch this show and see what it was like for our founders that argued for and against Independence from Great Britain has been inspiring and yet depressing. So much of their mistakes then are the same ones we make now. Yet, so much of their greatness is in very little of today's government. We still make the same mistakes, but we have none of their greatness. We fight now because of a (D) or an (R) before one's name. We fight now because someone associated with a large company said, 'go fight'. We fight now because we seriously 'hate' many that don't agree with us. We fight now, not as representatives of a people, but as egotists in search of headlines. What was once done for the betterment of millions in the future we now ignore for the profit of the present. Our government has lost it's way. They have lost focus.

Our kids. Children have always been curious and bearers of great joy to parents as well as bearers of great stress and grief. It used to be that children not only were expected to treat their parents with respect, but each other as well. Sure, they argued and fought but they were called down on it and taught a better way. It used to be that children would explore, read and create from their own minds. Now they have things created for them and lazily sit around waiting for something new to show up after the newest thing has worn off. Now they video tape each other doing horrible things to each other and post them on youtube for each other to revel in. Now there is little understanding or little care for their history. Now they kill each other if they are found with the wrong color on or flash the wrong sign. Our kids are losing their way. They have lost focus. But I wonder if it's because the parents lost theirs first?

Our worship. It used to be that people would seek God and wait to hear from Him. It used to be that people would share with each other all they had and care for the widows and orphans. It used to be that no one person was looked to for divine knowledge. It used to be that people met wherever they could; as often as they could to meditate and speak on the things of God. Now, we build big, ole buildings that are used about as often as I use an 'Ab lounge'. We pay people to tell us what to think, what to pray and how to dress. Now we listen to one voice and silence our own. We argue about songs and about carpet. We argue about meeting times and how much to pay the person we want to speak. The widows haven't changed. The orphans haven't changed. God hasn't changed. We've lost focus.

So much of our problem can be summed up by Mariah Carey on 'American Idol'. Huh? Yes, I will make the analogy whether you like it or not. Know this, I like to listen to her sing. She has an amazing voice and great talent for song. But she symbolizes so much of what's wrong with Government, kids, the Church.... all of us. Here's a snip it about what she did and how she acted while helping to mentor potential singers on the Fox show 'American Idol'.

Mariah Carey made her way to the FOX lot on Wednesday afternoon as the guest mentor on "American Idol." And true to her rep, our girl was quite the diva. Donning a (typical) tight-fitting outfit, Mariah worked the press area backstage — but it took a little longer than expected. Tech and camera guys apparently were made to put in the extra effort putting up lights and having them angled perfectly, with Carey's people "double checking" that she was positioned perfectly at all times. "We had to re shoot one of the questions," one cameraman told Tarts. "I had to change the lighting and alter the position and do it again because we went off angle slightly. She has a director of photography with her at all times and can only be shot from the waist up."
Well, when you are a multimillion-dollar music mogul, you do have a little authority in demanding your best angle, right? However, Maz did lose quite a few fans on Thursday night when she decided to turn up two hours late to an album-signing at Universal City.
"She strolled in with sunglasses on when it was nighttime and by that point a lot of people got fed up and had left," a photographer told Tarts. "It was ridiculous."

We want everything shot from the 'waist up' as a people, as a country and as a church. We don't want people to see us 'out of position' or see the 'imperfections'. We want things on our time-table, giving little regard to those who are expecting things from us or that need things from us. We are simply bigger than the moment; bigger than those in our care. Our politicians want 'waist up' shots. Our kids only care about 'waist up' shots. As parents we highlight 'waist up' shots. And even as a Church we want 'waist up' shots; hiding the nasty, ugly parts of our sinful natures. You know what? The world is getting fed up and they are leaving for something else.

I don't mean to paint with such a broad brush and throw out the baby for the bath water. I don't intend to only highlight the negative when our country, our kids, our churches do much good that should be mentioned. I don't mean to make you think that I'm somehow above this because I certainly am not. We all have 'director's of photography' haunting us and watching our every move. We all want to be seen 'in a good light'. Yet it has led us to doing many dark things. No, I only mean to point the camera down a bit and say to everyone....'focus down there for a bit because I think we may be losing our way.' We all look good from a certain point of view. But the law of give-and-take suggests that from some points-of-view we are hideous indeed and are in need of refocusing and focusing on the proper places.

Say cheese.....

What would that look like?

It's been awhile since I've blogged about anything that has been rambling around in the vacuous space that is my head. But I've recently been hit with some thoughts and thought I would like to share them with you, my little minions of webdom.

I've been asking a question of myself and others lately: What would that look like? Here's some of the settings in which I ask this question. I have not been very happy with my spiritual life in the past few years. I 'like' the church we go to but I don't 'love' it. I often find myself only wanting to go to Sunday School, because I enjoy the interaction, and wanting to skip the service all together. The reason? Probably arrogance. There is some apathy thrown in with an undercoating of boredom. I'm just not excited by 'the same old thing' right now. So, I have asked myself and others around me that complain about church, 'what would a happy spiritual life look like for you?' In other words, if you could draw a picture of you being content with your spiritual life, what's that going to look like? Is there fellowship, music, guitars, food, etc.? I wonder if you'd be there even if it had what you say you wanted.

In politics I have been asking all the candidates and others the same question. I heard Jesse Jackson babbling on about race the other day and while I think racism is a problem (a major one) I wanted to ask Jesse, 'what does a 'raceless' country look like to you?' 'how do things look in your mind so that you would no longer have anything to spout on about?' Can you ever truly have a raceless world? For our Presidential candidates there are about a thousand different areas that you could ask this question. So, it's all Bush's fault ok, we get that .... what's your American look like? Will that make all Americans happy or just those that support you? What does Iraq look like if we leave? Are you sure? Can we afford your programs? Do you care? What does a 'happy' America look like?

Marriage. For those of us that complain about it ad nauseum I ask, 'what does a 'great' marriage look like? Now, before you answer that you have to ask, 'will you answer be the same as your spouses?' I doubt it. You may want more space, more free time. You may want a day without kids. Your spouse may want more time with you, less free time without you. Maybe you want more sex (yes, that is a husband's answer 100% of the time) but does she? Maybe she wants more say in the money.... is that good for you? Maybe she'd have sex if you go to church. Maybe you can't be please and neither can she. What's it really look like in the windows of your mind?

I think this is the problem: we don't have a clue what we want. We only know what we have and what we have, we find problems with and reasons to complain. We say 'if only' because it gives us an out for being miserable and bringing most of that stress and misery on ourselves. You can blame God if you want; you're certainly not original in that. Things are never good enough for those that simply don't want things to be good enough. For the life of me I think I only know about 5 content people on this planet. No, I'm not one of them. I'm head of the complain-about-everything department. It's a very rare thing to run across someone who is just pretty happy to be alive. I know an engineer that I work with on the railroad that's like this. I call him 'Johnny Train'. He is the happiest human being I've ever known. I love working with Johnny. He goes to church and loves Jesus, but he likes to drink, play golf, see his kids, partied like a madman in his younger years, laugh , and you simply cannot be around him and be sad. He's 53 going on about 18. He's got something that everyone else I know, especially those of us that profess faith, simply don't have. He is 'in the moment' and doesn't care to lament about the past or worry that much about the future. His kids are happy, his wife is happy (though stressed from his energy) and life just couldn't be better. If you asked Johnny what would a happy life look like for him he would say, 'are you on crack? Look around man, I'm happy right now... it looks like this'.

I think the question has to change for all of us. It shouldn't be 'what would that look like'. It needs to be changed to a statement: THIS is what I look like. THIS is what my life is. THIS is where I am. THIS is what I AM doing. Somewhere within the tiny walls of our own lives, we need to redecorate things. We need an 'extreme makeover' in mind only. It's not that things are that bad, it's that we THINK they are and we THINK they could be better. You know why the value of the dollar is low? No, not Bush... it's because of 'worry'. Nothing that is fact based, simply investors that are so worried about the future that they are hurting the present. Did you catch that? So worried about everything that is outside of RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! So you didn't make all-state. So your wife/husband isn't what you thought. So work is tedious and you should have been this or that. So the day-to-day isn't what you thought it would be. Do something about it. Better yet..... enjoy it for what it is.

You know what, racism isn't going away, but you don't have to be a racist. The Iraq war may not end soon, but you can love your neighbor anyway. Your spouse may let you down or not be exactly what you had imagined, but that doesn't mean it still can't be great. Perhaps some change on your end would help. I want things to be different. I want to have a better spiritual life, I want to golf more, I want to work out, I want to be better with my finances, I want to learn a Van Halen song on guitar note for note.... you know who I have to talk to? MYSELF! It's all right here. My life IS great. The opportunities in front of me are there for the taking but it's my own laziness and lack of confidence that prohibits me from enjoying them. This blog is for me people. I'm usually still in a deep-blue funk that I can't seem to shake. I am still living 1988, 1994 and 1998 like it matters. I'm still regretting things that no longer have a hold on me other than the fact I can't seem to loosen my grip of them. They aren't holding me, I'm holding on to them.

So what's your world look like? It's not really that bad is it? And if it is, more than likely you have more power to change that than you will ever know. BE HAPPY! I know I can't do it, but I want you all to do it for me. :-) More on this later..... this is all too depressing.

Here's your Bible passage: Matthew 6: 25-33 (The Message translation)
25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

The God of silence

Another holiday season has come and gone and I couldn't be happier. Without going into long, gory details that are both personal and private, the holiday season is usually not always the happiest of times for my extended and immediate family. Once again this holiday season was filled with tension, lost hope and a sense of helplessness in regards to members of the family that have lost their way and may never get it back.

I don't mean to sound flippant about the situation but most holiday seasons are filled with me just simply wondering what family tragedy or accident awaits us this year. Now don't get me wrong, I love watching my two boys open Christmas presents. Seeing them happy is really all I want nowadays, so the holidays aren't all bad. But when news comes that yet again something has happened that brings my family to a point of asking 'why' or 'when will this stop' and those questions are covered with tears of sadness and frustration, I now know that it is time for a major change in my life.

I have been telling people that I now want to only approach people and situations with nothing but honesty. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone so I will watch how I say things when I can, but I am desperate to figure out what is going on and what has gone wrong spiritually for myself and for members of my family. You see, I am starting to see after having long wondered it, that most of the time God is silent when we think He should speak. No, He's not dead nor is he uninterested, He just doesn't respond to us, prayers and life the way we have been taught or the way we think He should respond.
Perhaps I'm using the wrong word by saying God is silent. I think what I really am learning is that 'God's will will be done'.

There are people that have been prayed for for decades. These prayers are offered up by people of great faith and belief. Yet, I know in my own family, it seems that these prayers really are more pleas for God to change in people what they refuse to change in themselves. In other words, 'God make so-and-so happy and full of love'. Then 'so-and-so' goes out and does everything they can to not to be happy and full of love. Was the prayer not heard? Was it simply answered with 'no'? Or has God's will for that person be inacted a long time ago and praying for it to be different is both useless and arrogant? Who are we to pray for people to be the way 'we' want them to be and yet cloak it in the guise of wanting 'God's will for them'?

Let's pause for a minute. I believe God loves us. I believe God has a plan for us. I believe that prayer is important. This isn't a diatribe into whether or not God exists but it's more of a reexamination of how can we exist in accepting who we are and who people are that surround us. It's a quest for truth and honesty. Instead of constantly thinking I'm living outside the will of God because I'm on the railroad and not a pastor, I would like to find out how to embrace this will of God that has me working for the railroad? Follow me? Instead of constantly thinking I shouldn't use words that other people think are 'bad', perhaps I ask, 'well, how will God use that in me in a good way?' Or maybe I just quit worrying about it and simply be the best me that He has allowed to live for 38 years. Of course we need to heed His words and 'quit sinning' but I wonder if that simply means praying 'your will be done' and then living the best we can at that moment. We are so desperate to change others and ourselves that inevitably we forget who we are and who they are.

I have recently been reading scripture in a different way. I've been reading it for exactly what it says and not reading it and saying, 'now how can I make this fit into my life and make me feel better'. I think God is an honest God. I think he says what he means and means what he says. I think he's laid out a plan for understanding who He is and how to pray. It's blunt. It's honest and it doesn't fit what we normally do.

In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it says: "I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear. Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That's how it always is with God."
The book of Ecclesiastes is great. It's not a book so much about God, but about us. It's about how as humans are always trying to fill up our lives with so much other stuff that we miss the basics. We get consumed with comfort and normalcy and end up with neither. It clears the air of our misconceptions about life and God and prepares us to a clean slate for Christ. When I read the book it says a lot about not worrying about what is supposed to happen and embrace what is happening. Fear God and do what he tells you but 'Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, so you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.'

Are you getting it? Sometimes things happen for no other reason than they were supposed to happen. You can pray all you want to understand it, but guess what? you may never understand it. Sometimes people just are the way they are. You can pray for them to change but guess what? they often don't. When we don't expect people to take an active role in their own transformations we are being as silly as expecting a car to turn into a watch. This is also true for your own life. Quit expecting others to 'do their part' in order to make your little world better. Maybe they just aren't going to love you or be who you think they should be. Maybe they aren't going to 'walk the line' you expect of them. Maybe they have simply accepted who they are better than you have accepted who they are. Those of you in bad marriages, quit waiting for your spouse to change and make it better. Quit waiting for God to change them. Accept what they are bringing to the marriage and who they are. You have to find your place in that and not 'will it from them'. That's God's job, not yours. Either you can live with it or you can't. Those of you with children that are not behaving as you wish. You can pray for them to change all you want but until they are active in their own change you might as well rub a lamp and hope for a magic genie to appear and make it all better.

When Job was being put through hell in an effort to see whether or not he would turn from God or turn to God, Job and his friends spend much of the book questioning the actions of God and the mind of God in such a way that I think we can all relate to it. They try and assign meaning to everything as if God does things for any reason we can actually figure out. Much like we try to figure out tornados and predict them, Job and his friends want to question God and figure him out and in some way be able to 'control' their lives better. God unleashes on Job and the friends in an amazing rant about who He is and what He can do. I won't type it all out here but here's some highlights:
Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me, since you know so much. Who decided on it's size? Certainly you'll know that!..... Have you ever ordered the morning to 'get up' and the dawn, 'get to work'?..... Can you catch the eye of the beautiful Pleiades sisters or distract Orion from his hunt?....... Do you presume to tell me that I'm doing wrong? Are you calling me a sinner so you can be a saint?........ Can you shout in thunder the way I can? Go ahead, show your stuff. Let's see what you're made of, what you can do.
Job then asks forgiveness and says, 'I'm convinced: You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans.'

I'm not trying to say that we are helpless in this life in choosing our own way and that we are merely robots in God's cosmic world. Hardly. What I'm saying is that we have a great freedom in this even though it doesn't seem like it. We can CHOOSE to accept what God has for us or we can CHOOSE to question him and beg him to CHANGE everything that we don't deem suitable. The freedom that I could find in my life by simply saying YOUR WILL BE DONE with me on the railroad would be liberating. The freedom that could be found in letting people be who they are and praying for them that God's will be done in their life would be liberating.

I am always fearful for my wife and kids' safety. I can't imagine life without them and so I often pray for their safety and protection. I think it's good to do this and that God hears it, BUT it certainly doesn't guarantee anything. What about those parents that lose kids everyday to murder, accidents or suicide? Were their prayers not heard and mine were? Are they less people because God protected my kids today but not theirs? Or was God's will simply done and it is up to us to figure out our role in that plan? These aren't easy questions to answer. I think I would just like for everyone to quit telling me what God can do..... I need to deal with what God has done and what He IS doing. I know that God CAN protect my kids. I also know that he may allow something to happen because it's a part of the plan. Can I deal with that? Can you?
Can we pray the prayer of Jesus the night before his crucifixion? Can we say 'My father if there is no other way than this, drinking this cup to the dregs, I'm ready. Do it your way'.

I'm becoming more convinced now that I'm in Goddard, KS for a reason. I think that I'm working for the railroad not because I've 'fallen from ministry' but because it's where I'm supposed to be. God seems silent to me at times simply because I'm doing all the talking. God seems silent to me in church because everyone else is clammoring about with building plans, class schedules and about how they are doing things differently. (I love how every church nowadays things they are the ones that are cutting edge and different. Whatever.) God seems silent in my family because we seem to have a repeating of problems and concerns that make me think every year is 1988. When will we just accept it for what it is and find our place in that and quit waiting for something to 'change'.

I will give you what Jesus says about prayer in the book of Matthew chapter 6. This is from 'The Message' translation.
5"And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat?
6"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.
7-13"The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this: Our Father in heaven, Reveal who you are. Set the world right; Do what's best— as above, so below. Keep us alive with three square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil. You're in charge! You can do anything you want! You're ablaze in beauty! Yes. Yes. Yes.
14-15"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part. Well that's the rub isn't it? Isn't that why we do what we do? What is our part? What role are we to play? What do we control and what do we merely have to accept?
Latter in Matthew Jesus says: 'Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need.'

What I need right now is peace. I need peace with myself and peace with those around me. I need to have peace that while I play an active part in God's plan, I don't write the script and I don't much of a say in the big picture of this production. I simply have to do the best I can with what I know. You can't fix yourself by trying to fix others. Sure, we are to 'help' others, but we aren't called on to 'fix' them. That's a job that God and God only has a say in.

God's not silent. He just hasn't been saying what I thought He should say. He hasn't been doing what I thought should be done. But as it turns out, I've been the one that hasn't been silent enough. I've gone on and on with God about what He 'should do' and what He 'could do' when I should have just sat in his presence and simply whispered, 'Thy will be done'. When something happens I want to be able to say, 'ok, this is the situation for what it is and what is my role to be in that situation.' I don't want to waste any more time or energy regretting the past and questioning God on what He's done with my life or someone else's life. It simply is what it is and 'thy will be done' with it.

What I learned in 2007

The end of the year is near and I'm sitting here trying to take some inventory and figure out what I've learned in the past 300 plus days. I'm sure I won't be able to list everything and some things I would probably rather not have the entire world know about, but I have come up with a list of things that I learned in 2007. These aren't in order of importance but just how they popped into my head.



1. The IRS is a pain and having to pay them even more money is a bigger pain. Do your taxes right because an extra $100 today could cost you a great deal more later.

2. I have never played guitar more than I have in the last 3 months and I really wish I would have done this when I was 17 and not 38. You actually do have to work at things to have success.

3. Sports are lessening in importance for me. After decades of broken remotes, thrown pillows and weeks of depression, I've come to realize that it may not matter who wins and loses. Once Tyler Hansbrough leaves UNC, I may be done with sports believe it or not.

4. I still enjoy a good Van Halen concert.

5. The Railroad is a good job but I would quit today if option B were available.

6. Good friends only get better the older you get.

7. My kids are growing so fast that I'm getting nervous about the teen years. How will I be as a father in that phase? The fact that we've all survived this far is great and somewhat surprising. :-)

8. I lack spiritual discipline but not opinon. At some point I need to embrace what I do believe and run with it.

9. I worked really hard this last year to be farther in debt.

10. Tigers really should be left alone and not messed with. Turns out that they will eat you and not even think twice about it. You evolutionists sure you want to stick with 'natural selection'?

11. Politics is like eating at McDonalds. You may have many choices, but in the end it's all junk.

12. The more Bush got blamed for everything, the more I grew to like him. Then again, he's far from 'conservative' so I'm glad he'll be heading to Crawford for retirement. But I do think he's made decisions that no one else would have had the guts to make. His quote of 'I don't really sit around and go, 'oh gosh, my poll numbers are down'....' was refreshing.

13. People can be told the truth but only experiencing it will truly change them.

14. My union got into bed so fast with Hillary Clinton that I knew they'd never be mistaken for Bill. Ok, that was my attempt at a joke.

15. I have a great wife and marriage. Even in the tense times, we are better together than we are apart. I would do well to live out life with her.

16. The moment you think life is normal and simple a large tornado can come and remove those silly notions. Appreciate what you have but don't worship it. Ecclesiastes says, 'On a good day, enjoy yourself; on a bad dad, examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won't take anything for granted.' Did you catch that? Sometimes God is ok with you having a bad day.

17. Helping a neighbor is really a pretty good thing.

18. I had another procedure on my throat and I still can't swallow very well. You'd think at some point I'd loose weight.

19. I can't believe that I'm at an age I remember my parents being and thinking then that they were 'old'. I'm stuck at age 24 and I don't want to leave.

20. The 90's are now 'oldies'.

21. God willing I have another year coming in which to learn and progress in life. I wonder if I will list the same things next year?

Just in case?

So it's late on September 11th. No, I'm not going to blog about the Twin Towers or the Iraq/Afganistan war.

Actually I'm preoccupied with a bit of selfishness. Nothing unusual really for I spend a great deal of time thinking about things that effect me. In about 10 hours I am to report to the Wichita Clinic and undergo another endoscopy. This is a procedure that is supposed to help stretch my 'food pipe' and help me swallow bacon better. I'm not sure that's the only reason for the procedure but it's certainly a benefit. The problem is, it's the same procedure I had in 2002 (and several time before that year) that put me in intensive care for a week and just about killed me. (See 'My sweet, broken Jesus' blog)

I'm not even sure that I want to do this or need to do this. I mean I'm tired of choking on small amounts of food and not being able to swallow pills, but I'm not sure that inconvinence is worth the risk. My doctor (whose name I can't pronounce... why is that always the case?) says that the chance of tearing my esophogus again is only 1 in 4000. Yeah, but you see the last time I was the 'one' so forgive me if I throw up right before you knock me out.

Anyway, I thought I should right out some thoughts for the 'just in case'. I certainly don't want to jinx myself but the fact is I know that this whole life thing is in bigger hands than doctor whats-his-name. So when it's time, I guess it's just your time. But honestly God, I just bought the Van Halen tickets so I would like that to be considered. Wait, you may not be a fan so strike that and I'll sell the tickets right away. :-)

My life:
Love my parents
Love my wife
Love my kids.

Family truly is the best and sometimes hardest thing about being human. Do we experience more joy or heartache than with family? My parents gave me a great start. My wife gives me what I can only describe as the closest thing to perfect love one could give. And my little Roo and little Pooh give me more smiles, laughs and warm fuzzy moments than any other two little boys could give a dad. They are and always will be very special kids. (It's in the genes):-)

I have great friends. They aren't great in numbers (meeting new people is hard for me), but man are they there when I need them 'there'. Mess up royally. Make a total buffoon of yourself. Lose all self-respect. Make really horrible decisions. Watch all the crowd walk away. Then look around and see who's left. Those are your friends.

I loved living in North Carolina. Seriously, it should be done once by everyone. But I have really grown attatched to Kansas. The sunsets and the starry skies are well worth the price of admission. Blue Ridge Mountains, lighthouses, grassy plains.... nice.

I loved music. Oh do I love music. My biggest regret is and will be that I didn't pursure music with more devotion. But as I told my friend Seth one night as we were listening to Phil Keaggy: 'I guess I'm sad that I didn't practice for the last 25 years and can't play like that but I'm glad that when I hear it, I can appreciate just how good it is'. I never really focused on anything for too long--well, other than focusing on the fact that I could never focus. I was good at a lot of things but I feared greatness and I feared failure. Young people, fear neither. The biggest regret is really just a bunch of big regrets.

God has blessed me. Even if this were my last night, could I complain? No. He has given me more than I ever dreamed of; much of which I don't deserve. He has gifted me and like all good dads, allows me to not use my gifts as well as I should and just loves me anyway. It's too bad that the story of our relationship with him on earth as people has been one of so much rebellion, hate, death and sorrow. The only comfort is in the ending. So, if it ends it really begins. (someone make sure that gets in a quote book ok?)

Do I fear death? Duh! Of course I do. Not so much because I'll have a clue as to what's happening but mainly because I know what death does to those of us 'left behind'. So, to all of you (if the scope does slip and I go night, night) get over me soon. :-) Seriously, play some great music at my service, tell some funny stories and eat some Barbeque. There is more to bother about than my exit. God is good, but He was pretty clear about the death thing: it comes to us all. I have loved well and been loved even better.

There, that's it. Even if things go fine and I email everyone with 'hey, I can eat bacon with less effort' I think it's good to do some reflecting once in awhile and realize that all the 'stuff' we bother with on a daily basis aren't the things we are going to want to remember or share with others in the end. So, just in case.......

Bones

Well, Michael Vick has plead guilty. As he did the sidewalks were lined with people that had signs and t-shirts reminding Mr. Vick that he is not only guilty but that he is a 'worthless human being'. For those that don't know Michael Vick is an NFL quarterback and has been running a dogfighting ring out of one of his Georgia homes. He has bankrolled the fighting and the gambling and 'allegedly' has even killed some of the dogs. Pretty nasty stuff. But is it so bad that a mother would dress up her 7 year old son in a shirt that read, 'Vick makes me sick'. I had to wonder what lessons on 'judging others' this youngster would remember. I still wonder why we adults haven't learned any lessons on judging others. Jesus seemed to be clear on the matter, but we haven't heeded the message for 2000 years now.

Mr. Vick apologized today in what I thought was a pretty genuine statement. It wasn't read or whispered to him; he seemed to be speaking from the heart. He made no excuses and said that he had found Jesus and wanted to redeem himself. Oh but you should have heard the sports talk show guys: 'Isn't this a little late?', 'How come they always find God after they are caught?', 'I don't care if he's found God, I want him to find the jail'.

We love to pile on people. I mean we seemingly can't wait for the next person to fail so that we can line the streets and let them know just how bad they really are; as if they are unable to figure these things out. I have no problem with Michael Vick finding God after he's been caught and convicted. What I have a problem with is people that think only 'good people' are allowed access to the grace of Christ. Are you serious? Is there any part of the gospels you people have read? Do you know there is a guy currently playing in the NFL that killed a woman because he was driving drunk one night? Yet many want Vick banned for life and don't line the streets protesting this man for killing an innocent woman and mother.

I am also bad about judging. Frankly I want every pedophile sent packing for life. I have no tolerance for those that hurt kids. But that doesn't make me right. In fact, I'm wrong. But we all seem to have our 'issue' that is a line-crosser. For some it's adultery. For others it might be homosexual behavior. Some think abortion is the biggest issue of the day and that abortion providers should pay.

I am repeating myself here but we've all got something. Everyone lining the streets denouncing Michael Vick has something in their life that is sin and is keeping them from God. Everyone of us has something in the closet that needs to be put out and given to God. Now, don't make the mistake of thinking that just because we all have something that it's ok to hang on to it because once you get rid of that 'thing' another will take its place. While that might be true, we need to constantly remind ourselves that we aren't perfect but we are expected to 'strive for perfection'. That means not sitting around letting sin so occupy us that we have no time for the One that has conquered sin and death. Admit your sins, seek redemption and move on.

Michael Vick will pay for his misdeeds. Aren't you lucky that yours aren't being broadcast on TV. How would you like to wake up in the morning and find P.E.T.A in your yard with signs? How would you like it that when you make your apologies and profess your faith in God, many will mock you and say 'too little, too late'? I'm glad that God is above His creation and doesn't respond the way we do.

I'm inspired by another Little Big Town song. It's called "Bones". The lyrics say it all:
You've got bones in your closet; you've got ghosts in your town. Ain't no doubt yeah they're gonna come out, they're waitin' for the sun to go down.

We need a reminder that it's not who we are in the daylight when we hold signs announcing the sins of others that matters to God. It's who we are 'when the sun goes down'; when no one is around and looking. You see 'your sins will find you out' is a phrase that we should all remember just as fervently as we remember the sins of others.

I think what Michael Vick did was horrible. I think what I did today was equally as bad in the eyes of God. I know what my sins were..... do you?

Little Big Town's song: Bones http://www.kstarheel.com/bones.html

A Summer of silence

I know there must be a few of you that are wondering that since my last blog about the Greensburg tornado got published in "The Friends Voice" newsletter (here's the link )http://www.evangelicalfriends.org/north-america/voice/august2007/index2.html,
perhaps my head had gotten too big and I had decided to give up this blogging thing and move on to greener pastures.
Well, that's not the case. Not that I would mind getting to write for something that paid me; that would be too cool. I just haven't sat down and typed anything. But that doesn't mean I haven't had many thoughts and ideas that have floated around in my rather cluttered, A.D.D brain.

One of the reasons I haven't blogged much is that I got to spend some good time this summer with my friend Seth. When Seth and I are together we can't help but wax poetically about all things religious, political, BBQ and sports. For much of the summer I have been able to vent about a great many things; not only with Seth but with my ever patient wife. I mean if you want to see the level of my wife's patience you should watch her as I go off on about a 10 minute rant why John Edwards is a big phony. (Not that all politicians aren't and not that I care if he becomes president because at this point we could elect a stable full of horses and sheep and be in about the same spot). Anyway, I now feel the need to sum up some of my summer time thoughts for you. Most of these thoughts were almost blogs, but I just didn't sit down and put them together in poor sentence structure as is my wont to do.

Thought 1:
I have been thinking of milestones this summer. I recently went to my 20 year reunion with Haviland High School. In October I will have my 20 year reunion in North Carolina: 2 High Schools, long story. Last November my wife and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. 30 years ago we moved from Texas to North Carolina, setting the stage for a UNC obsession that has cost me at least 5 years off my life. (I also got to thinking that it was 30 years ago that Van Halen got going... not great news for all of you, but some things I just can't give up) I got to thinking about the 10-20-30 formula. Ok, it's my formula. I think we often are guilty of 'looking back' 10-20-30 years ago at key moments in life and celebrating them. More times than not, we look back with a lot of regret as well. "What if" seems to be the key question encompassing those moments. I think I need to start 'looking forward' 10-20-30 years. In 10 years Kaden will be in college and Kenyon will start High School. In 20 years I will just about be retired from the railroad and while that's great, if I don't quit eating bacon I see me sitting by the window with an oxygen tank by my side. In 30 years.... well, see the bacon thing and you'll surmise that there may not be a '30' year. Jesus said quit worrying about tomorrow and of course He was right; I mean He's Jesus after all. But I think we should also quit lamenting about the past. I recently asked Seth: 'Do you think people are waiting to live or waiting to die?' It's a bigger question than you may think.

Thought 2:
Storm Cleanup. The Greensburg tornado brought about a lot of emotions for millions of people; myself included. Soon after an event like that we are solid in our commitments to make changes in our lives and do things differently. We see the damage and we feel pain, sympathy and a new jolt of motivation. But after the news crews leave and all the politicians have all had their cameo moments, we often store the aftermath file away deep in our brains: out of sight, out of mind. I even got to a point where I could tease Seth's dad, Ron (a victim of the tornado) about the redneck FEMA trailer he was going to move into. I even bought him a Dale Jr. and Jimmie Johnson NASCAR picture for his trailer. But I have been thinking about how when traumatic things happen to our own lives or to those around us, we are quick to act and react. But after time we tend to forget that there is still much to clean up and much to rebuild. Our hearts, souls and minds are the same. We can't forget the finish the job when we are trying to deal with painful stuff in our lives; because Dubya (George W. Bush) only comes around once and then you're on your own.

Thought 3:
I preached again....
On July 29th I had the privilege of preaching at Ark City Friends church. This marked the first time I had given a sermon in 10 years. (see that 10-20-30 thing) Of course my family gets them all the time. Everything went well and the people were great. I talked about all the rules we have on the Union Pacific Railroad and how we are judged and graded using those rules by people who have never actually done what we do. It was all about grace, forgiveness and judging. Afterwards I really had a bit of a fire in the belly to do that again. I know that I'm a big, fat sinner and so it would be hard to be a 'pastor' again because I can't seem to get passed that whole hypocrisy thing. But to preach a sermon is a great joy for me. I wondered if God has a place for guys and gals like me or does it bother him that I don't 'leave all others' for the sake of the ministry? I don't know, but I know God gives us all opportunities to minister in different ways: love your neighbor, feed the hungry, house the homeless, clothe the needy, etc. I guess you don't have to be a pastor to be of some use to God, but man, I do miss it.

Thought 4:
Bring it on home to me.
My song for the summer has been by a band called 'Little Big Town'. They are a 4 member country/pop/folk band that I really enjoy. The first time I heard this song, it became another 'song from Jesus' for me. We played it at Frank's (Konnie's dad) funeral because she heard the song as something Frank would say to his girls: he was always there for them. Every time I hear this song, I'm moved. The harmonies are great but the message is better. 'I got what you need, bring it on home to me'. God is waiting for all us prodigals to come home. He's waiting with open, loving arms. And if you married couples aren't saying this to each other, well you should be. Here's the link for the song:

http://www.kstarheel.com/bringitonhome.html

That's it. I'm sure I've had more thoughts than just these but these will do.

How's your neighbor?

On May 3rd, I had all sorts of problems. Lately I have been battling what my friend Seth calls 'a deep, blue, funk'. Now you must realize that I have a great life. Good job, nice house, 2 great kids and a smokin' hot wife (Talledega Nights) and every other thing a person could ever want. But it hasn't mattered much in the last few weeks. I don't know if it's because I'm turning 38 (which is certainly mid-life for me based on my love of bacon), I am going on my 10th year with Union Pacific Railroad and my kids are growing up too fast. I just have let all the 'problems' of the days bug me. I'm fighting the IRS, I don't like how my job keeps changing, I can't seem to get my debts paid down quick enough, if there are 10 decisions to make, it seems I make at least 8 bad ones. (I think that's 80% , but it's been awhile since I did math) I told my wife the other night that I really thought I was heading for a nervous breakdown. She had sympathy for me and tried again to remind me of how good things are. She was right, but I just didn't get it; I'm a bit slow on the uptake.

The next night, the evening of May4th, we had watched some TV and decided to go to bed. I was set to get called out for a train at 6:00am so I knew I needed some sleep. Konnie decided to turn on the local news and just see what was happening. At first I really didn't understand all that was going on. The broadcasters seemed a little discombobulated and I could tell they were a bit stunned by something but were doing their best to maintain that robotic candance that they are all so well trained in. Then I heard three words that shook me from my near sleep: Greensburg, Tornado, Devastation. 'Are they talking about Greensburg, KS?', I foolishly thought. Of course they were. What other Greensburg do I know? The numbers started coming in.... 60% destroyed, 70% destroyed, 100% damage. I called my friend Seth whose mom and dad still live in Greensburg; the town he grew up in and we all spent many, many days in during our time at Friends Bible College/Barclay College located in Haviland. He hadn't heard from anyone yet regarding their condition and since he doesn't have cable I was trying to let him know where the damage was located. We did this for some time and eventually he did get word that his dad was Ok, but still nothing yet on his mom, who lived on the other side of town where we knew there was massive damage. We said we would speak again later and hung up.

As night turned to day, the images of what had happened started coming in. I almost lost my breath as they showed a 'fly-over' of Greensburg. It was gone.... just simply gone. As if someone had hit the button and launched a nuclear weapon on this town of 1,800, it was just simply left in ruins. Of course I couldn't help but think of the horror that the folks in Greensburg had just gone through. I thought of Seth's family and friends. I thought of the engineer I work with that lives in Greensburg. I thought of the countless times spent in that town. I just couldn't wrap my head around this level of tragedy that had hit so close to home. Earlier in the evening/morning I heard from my friend Brandon Thompson. Brandon had been living on the 'Thompson Farm' just about 2 years ago when a fire struck the house of his grandmother that he and his family had lived in. The farm is located in different spots just north of Haviland and Brandon gave me the news that 'it's all gone. It's completely wiped out'. I couldn't believe it. How much should one family go through?

Later in the morning we did hear that Seth's mom and her husband were ok and we were grateful. My dad called me and wanted to know if I would like to go to Haviland to just visit, help, comfort people; whatever we could do. I said yes and called in and took a sick day. I wasn't prepared for what I saw.

As we arrived out at the Thompson Farm, you could see from a mile off that something horrible had happened. The tree row had just been shaved off. Approaching the first stop on the farm, where Brandon's brother's family lived, you could see that it was more than just the trees that had been hit hard. Where there used to be a house, there was now only a concrete foundation. Where there used to be barns, there was now just rubble. Where there used to be combines there was now nothing; they still haven't found the combines. Amazingly several animals had survived and you could almost see it in their eyes: 'what was that all about?' It was devastation on a level I've never seen and I went to Louisiana after hurricane Andrew and still I lost my breath looking around. Our next stop was up the road a ways to Brandon's mom and dad's home. Again, it was just overwhelming to see what man took years to build, a tornado destroyed in seconds. Not only were the buildings a wreck, but the looks in the eyes of the Thompson family was almost as hard to see. They were in shock, and full of sadness. But give up? I think not.... they were too busy cleaning, rounding up cattle and mending fences. That's what people in this part of the world do.

On the way home that night, dad and I stopped in at Seth's to visit with Ron. We heard his story of what happened; of just how fast it was over; of just how completely devastated his town was. But we also heard a story that must be told. It's not the story of lost lives and broken buildings. It's not the story of 'why me?' and 'what now?'. It's the story of neighbors; neighbors helping neighbors. Ron said that after the storm took his house, he went up from the basement and saw the destruction around him. After being thankful to be alive he said he then thought, 'I better go check on my neighbor'. Ron did that. Ron said that to a man and woman that was the theme of the Greensburg tornado on the night of May 4th. It wasn't chaos. It wasn't looting. It wasn't 'where's the government?'. It was a simple yet profound thought, 'how's my neighbor'. That's the state I live in, that's the kind of people I know. People that have just lost everything didn't waste a minute taking in their own damage. The first priority is in helping their neighbor. We had heard from the Thompson's of how the Barclay College students had all come out to the farm to help dig through the tragedy and help find clothes that could be washed. We heard of how people from all over the state descended on Greensburg to offer help to their neighbors. There were tears, there is shock and there was a mountain of horror laying in ruins. But the greater presence was 'love thy neighbor'.

Didn't Jesus say just that?
Luke 10:26-28
26He answered, "What's written in God's Law? How do you interpret it?"
27He said, "That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself."
28"Good answer!" said Jesus. "Do it and you'll live."

One of the the most important questions that Jesus thought you could ask was and still is, 'How's my neighbor?'. The story of the Greensburg tornado that destroyed a Kansas town, several farms and many lives isn't just the power of destruction and chaos that a tornado brings. The story is found in the power of faith, hope and love. Faith that you'll make it through the storm. Hope that you'll one day rebuild and Love for those around you and for life itself. I'm proud and humbled by my fellow Kansans. In some ways I am ashamed because on May 3rd I had a lot of problems. On May 5th, I saw what real problems are and I saw a community and a people face those problems with courage and love. I'll never forget what I saw. But more than that I'll never forget what I heard: 'How's my neighbor?'.

Here are some photos I took of the Thompson Family Farm. http://www.kstarheel.com/tornado.html
Again, I think the song 'God is my Rock' has to be heard in a time like this.

To fear or not to fear....

I guess this blog is an obvious one. I'm actually about 8 days late in writing this seeing as the mass killings that took place on the campus of Virgina Tech University happened on the morning of April 16th. After writing about the murder of the Amish girls 6 months ago, I wasn't sure I wanted to go down this road again. Frankly, I'm sad that I live in a time where one could go down this road many times . If it wasn't this incident, perhaps I could write about the genocide still going on in Africa. Maybe I could write about the mind-numbing car bombings taking place in Iraq. There is always plenty of local violence to write about. I'm sure somewhere in Kansas there was a killing, beating or a rape in the last 24 hours. If I focused nationally I would have about 500 murders to choose from so there's no shortage there. When you read through the daily headlines of our world, it can simply be too depressing for words.

The point is, 32 people (not counting the cowards death) died in a terrifying 3 hour period on April 16th. It made world news because of the seemingly senselessness of it; it just seemed to come from nowhere. But did it really? Did it really come from nowhere? Trust me, that act of evil had roots.... deep ones. That sad, little man didn't just wake up and say, 'let's go kill everyone today'. No, this action had been boiling up for quite some time. But to be honest with you, I'm in no mood to break down the act into religious, psychological or sociological pie charts. I don't really care to figure out why this man decided to kill innocent lives. Why? Because the answer is just too simple that it's scary. Evil exists and it exists so that you might be destroyed. Simple enough?

Death isn't unusual. Murder isn't unusual. Yet, we are so shocked and saddened when these types of events take place. And we are scared. Haven't we conditioned ourselves and our kids to treat death like hitting the 'x' button on the Play Station? What it seems we can't handle is the kind of murderous rampage that could easily involve us. What if your son or daughter were in that building that day? What if someone you knew or you were in the Trade Center Towers over 5 years ago? What if you took a wrong turn down a dark street and were never heard from again? It's all about fear. We fear things we don't understand. Shouldn't we understand evil by now? Of course to understand it you have to admit it's real and maybe that's where we are dropping the ball in society.

There I am doing what I said I didn't want to do. I don't want to seek answers. I want to seek comfort. I want to seek strength. I want to seek protection.

Riding in the van the other night a song came on and reminded me of some things. The song only lasts less than a minute and a half, but it was so powerful to me as I looked up into a massive, clear, star-lit sky. It was a reminder to me of how I should feel in times such as these. It's a song that is not only a prayer, but a battle cry. We look into the eyes of evil everyday; you may not know it, but it's there. We need something to hold on to. We need a shelter in which to run. So, do this.... turn your speakers up or put your headphones on and crank your computers volume. Don't worry about who's around and play this song. As it plays, close your eyes and see every bad thing in your life and in this world. Why? Because none of it is bigger than God.

http://www.kstarheel.com/godismyrock.html

Truth is folks the world isn't getting less violent. The chances of you or a loved one coming face-to-face with someone wanting to end your life is only going up. But we aren't to fear what seems so frightening. We stand up. We walk humbly. We take shelter in our God. We must remember that Jesus didn't die so that bad things wouldn't happen. He died to conquer the ultimate 'bad thing': death. His love has driven fear to it's knees. No, it's killed it. It is in that hope, that I hope. In that comfort that I find some peace. I pray for my family. I pray for yours. Don't lose hope and don't let fear blind you from the truth.

Psalm 18
1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

Revelation 1:17
17-20"Don't fear: I am First, I am Last, I'm Alive. I died, but I came to life, and my life is now forever. See these keys in my hand? They open and lock Death's doors, they open and lock Hell's gates. "

John 16:31
Jesus answered them, "Do you finally believe? In fact, you're about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

Would you know greatness?

The Washington Post recently ran a very interesting experiment. They hired a world class classical violinist, Joshua Bell, to play outside of a metro station to see if anyone would notice him, listen to him or even give him a dollar. Here's some excerpts from google news:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Joshua Bell is one of the classical music world's iconic figures, but fame didn't stop the Grammy-Award winning violinist's music from falling on deaf ears at a subway stop in Washington.
Bell, 39, received the most coveted prize in classical music -- the Avery Fisher prize -- on Tuesday, two days after The Washington Post revealed that he had failed to draw even a tiny crowd while performing in an anonymous setting.
The boyish-looking Bell swapped his formal concert garb for jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap to play six classical pieces outside a Metro station in a test of perception and public taste conducted by the Post.

Bell says the results after 43 minutes during morning rush hour -- $32.17 and only one of 1,097 people who passed by recognizing him -- were more surprising than being asked to do the stunt in the first place.

"I was quite nervous and it was a strange experience being ignored," Bell, a former child prodigy who attracts a young following and commands ticket prices of $100 or more at his concerts, told Reuters on Wednesday.

"Obviously I am spoiled by getting up on stage and having people clap and pay money to see me, and it changed my perspective on things."

"Maybe once is enough for me for this kind of experiment," Bell said, smiling. "But I myself will certainly be paying more attention to street musicians when I walk by."

Check out the story and the video here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html?hpid=topnews


$32.17. That's it. Here is a guy that has set a new standard in classical violin playing and he couldn't make more than you would during an 8 hour shift at Quick Trip. I wonder how many of those folks that passed him by would have jumped at the chance to see him if he were playing locally for $100 a ticket. I bet there were more than a handful that would have said, 'oh, I've heard of him and I would love to see him. Because I know greatness and I'm not afraid to pay $100 to see greatness.' That same man or woman walked on by and it was free.

Why? Well, it was a surrounding that people weren't expecting. I mean to see Michael Jordan play at the University of North Carolina and for the Chicago Bulls was a real treat for me back in the day. But if he was playing at the local YMCA, would I notice? I've met Eddie Van Halen and to watch him play a guitar was a joy, but would I bother giving him a nickle if I saw him at the Guitar Center playing? Or would I say, 'that dude is trying to sound like Eddie Van Halen... what a dork.'

We are making the same mistake with our faith. In the context of crisis or inside a church, it all makes sense right? I mean we pray because the pastor said pray. We raise our hands to choruses because that's what the people on stage are doing. We greet those around us with love because the pastor said, 'stand up and greet one another with a hug or a hello'. In the right setting, we are all about this guy Jesus and we can't wait to hear what he has to say next.

But when we are exposed to the greatness of the Christian faith 'outside it's proper box', we tend to either get confused or just simply ignore it. Our Christian faith at work doesn't always seem to fit. Our faith while watching our favorite team go 1 for 23 to end their season doesn't seem to fit. Our faith while seeing a pretty girl who smiles at you (or guy) doesn't seem to fit. Do we realize the greatness we are all about? IF we heard Jesus preaching in a Metro Station, would we pay him any attention or just say, 'man, the homeless problem is just out of control'.

You can pick and choose, I guess, to notice a master musician playing on the street. You can ignore him if you like. You can also give him $100 one day and pretend he isn't there the next day. But to make that same mistake with 'The Master' is a fatal flaw. How do I know? I make that mistake more than I wish to. I make it at work. I make it when my favorite team goes 1 for 23 to end their season. And I make it even in the obvious places.... like church. I know I'm missing some great things; I'm just ignoring them or hoping they go away. Are you?

I'm not smarter than my 3rd Grader

There is a new hit show on Fox called, 'Are you smarter than a 5th grader?'. It's a very clever show that takes several 5th grade students and a bunch of questions from 5th grade text book and some adult must try to answer the questions using the kids for help. No, I wouldn't win much money on that show without the kids' help. It's a good reminder of what all we have forgotten in the decades since we attended the 5th grade.

My oldest son Kaden is currently in the 3rd grade. I was reminded last night that in many areas of life, I'm not smarter than Kaden. While he was doing his homework last night, Konnie told him to bring me an assignment that he had finished in class recently. It was a picture of a pot of gold glued on yellow paper. The task was to write about something that was worth more than gold. Here's what Kaden wrote:

"God is more precious than gold!!! He is more precious than gold because he gave us the world and the Bible. The most important thing is when we believe in the Bible, we believe in Him. He gives us eternal life and heaven. That's why he is the only God in the world. That's why God is more precious than gold."

I was so humbled when I read this. Why? Because I don't know if I would have written this if asked the same question. I might have said my family, my friends. I might have said something really stupid like UNC winning the national title is more precious than gold. Kaden goes to public school. I don't sit down with him daily and read scripture. I rarely have spiritual talks with him on any level that would have led him to write this. I'm sure that he learned this from Sunday School or from the A.W.A.N.A program at our church. He's so much smarter than me.

Here are some verses to back up Kaden's writing:

Psalm 19:9-10
"The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. The are more precious than gold, than more pure gold; they are sweater than honey, than honey from the comb."

Psalm 119:127
"Because I love your commands more than gold, more than pure gold....."

Luke 16:13
"No servant can be in bondage to two masters. For either he will hate one and love the other, or else he will cling fast to one and scorn the other. You cannot be bond servants both of God and of gold."

1 Peter 1:7
"...that the proof of your faith, which is more precious than gold that perishes even though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ"

Needless to say, I'm proud of my son. But here's the catch: without my involvement or input, Kaden may well lose this light that he has. If I don't do my part to be a better example to him, and if that causes Kaden to fall spiritually, then I will have more to answer for than you can imagine. This isn't about education, because I have that. This is about application and I don't have much of that. Is it any wonder that Jesus said this:

Matthew 18: 3-4
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Humble yourselves... I sure have been.

If God wrote super-cool-70's-love-songs

I love music. For those that know me, this is no secret. When I say that I love music I don't just mean that I love only pop songs or rocks songs, jazz songs or country songs. I love a little bit of all types of music. Ever since I was a kid (some might argue that I still am) I have always envisioned that my life had a soundtrack behind it. Depending on what was or is currently happening in my world, I always thought there was some background music. I can remember that from an early age I loved having music pumping into my head. It used to be on portable radios then the God of music blessed us with the 'Walkman' and it changed my world. Then I was able to make my own tapes and my soundtracks took a whole new direction; I created my own play lists to get me through any situation. I remember even making tapes for girls I liked. My early start in the DJ craft. :-)

Now I am 37 and my need for a 'soundtrack' hasn't changed a bit. But the God of music given us some great new toys. I have an iPod, which is just the bomb. On my iPod I have over 4,000 songs. Artists ranging from Van Halen to Miles Davis to Amy Grant escort me on long drives, train trips, walks, working out... ok, I don't work out, but you get the point. I also have Satellite Radio in the car for non-stop sports and political talk and every style of music available to me with just the turn of the dial. My background music is with me everywhere I go. I'm not quite as obsessive about my background music as my friend Seth. Seth shows up everywhere with earphones in the ear and his iPod on his hip. I'm sure if Seth met President Bush he would hold up his hand to Dubya and say, 'hang on.....' (removing his earphones) 'ok, what were you saying?' Seth got me into the iPod experience and I'm forever grateful.

I've said all this simply to set up a scene for you that I experienced the other day while arriving at the hotel we stay at in Salina, KS. When I work a train from Wichita to Herington, KS, we then take a van ride an hour away to stay overnight in Salina. To explain why we do this is another blog on the inane actions of one Union Pacific Railroad; I don't have that kind of time. Anyway, as we were pulling up into the Hotel we had to wait in a line behind several other cars before the van could pull up and let us off by the door; you certainly didn't think we were going to walk did you? As I was sitting in the van I was listening to my iPod and had it in 'shuffle' mode. This allows the iPod to play whatever song it wishes; you never know what song will be next. Since I have over 4,000 songs, I get to hear tunes I haven't heard for some time.

While enjoying my potpourri of music, I notice one of the gals that works at the front desk sitting outside the front doors on a park-like bench. She was smoking and looking very sad. With every puff she took from her cigarette, I saw her hand shake. As I looked at her I felt bad for her. Remember that I will cry at the dumbest commercial or silliest movie. I cried during the movie 'Because of Winn Dixie' for goodness sakes. I have hormonal issues I think. But I also know that I am very empathetic towards people that are hurting, lonely and depressed. As this young gal took yet another drag of smoke into her lungs I saw her begin to cry. It wasn't a desperate cry or one that shook her whole body, but simply a long, steady tear began to fall down her left cheek. Her right cheek soon became moist with tears and she did her best to conceal what was going on as people rushed by her going in and out of the Hotel doors.

At that very moment that I saw the tears begin to fall a song started playing on my iPod. I hadn't heard this song in probably more than 2 or 3 years. Off the top of my head I couldn't even remember who sang it. I could tell it was from the 70's because of the acoustic guitars and vocal harmonies. It was a beautiful song. As I listened to the lyrics and watched this girl weep I was very moved. I so wanted to run out and put the headphones on her and tell her to listen to this song because this was part of her soundtrack for the moment and God had something to say to her. The song is by Firefall and it's called, 'Just remember I love you'. The chorus kept saying , 'Just remember I love you and it'll be alright. Just remember I love you, more than I can say.' I so wanted this girl to her this message. About the time that I thought I had the courage to maybe say something or do something, she got up, wiped her face and went back inside to finish her shift.

But this song stayed with me. I replayed this tune probably 7 times. My soundtrack for the day was a song of love, hope and just a touch of sadness. I started thinking about my family members that are experiencing difficult times. I started thinking about marriages that I know aren't doing well. I started thinking of all those that hurt for reasons we may never know. I started thinking of moms and dads that have lost sons and daughters on the battlefield. I stated thinking of my own problems and I just couldn't hear those words enough: 'Just remember I love you and it'll be alright'. Can you ever hear those words enough? I don't know if God would write super cool love songs from the 70's, but if He did, I think this song would be close to the result. A Simple, kind, soft and yet timeless message from a timeless Love.

Romans 8: 38-39 says this:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We need to remember that even though God may not give us the specific answers to our problems, he gives us the constant condition in which he meets us at all problem times. The condition is Love. There are no answers for problems in this song, just the hope and knowledge that you are Loved; no matter what.

I made a web page with the song and lyrics. If you need a pick-me-up, check it out.
http://members.cox.net/kstarheel3/Firefall.html

Brace yourself like a man

One of my favorite things that God says in the Bible is in the book of Job. When Job and his friends have all had their say in wondering why Job is being persecuted and where God is in all of it, God then readies Job for some questioning of His own. He says, 'Brace yourself like a man. I will question you and you will answer Me." I have entitled this blog with that quote for a reason. This is meant for men. Of course you gals can read along and take from it what you will but please don't make it a tool to 'beat' a man over the head with. There is a 'great disturbance in the force' of "mandom" and we need to talk about it. We men have always been at war with many things and that is true to this day. The particular battle I have been thinking a lot about is that little three-lettered word that makes most churches cringe and immediately want to sing hymns. The word is sex.

There is a crisis, for us Christian men, in our marriages and in our dealings with women period. Again, this isn't something new, but it's hitting close to home for me now on a daily basis it seems. Friends and co-workers all around me are struggling with marriage and with fidelity; some have already called it quits in their marriage. Others are nearing the end. I am a part of this crisis on some levels that some know and some don't. I have been divorced once in the past and I still struggle currently with being a 'good husband'. Granted, my wife says that the last 8 months of our marriage have been the best in our 10 years and I agree. We get along great right now. We don't fight that much and we spend lots of time together talking and simply doing things we enjoy. Most of that is because I'm changing and not my wife. She has always been content and happy... me? well, not so much. I'm still part of the problem that is going on with us men; especially us Christian men. We are fighting to keep our marriages together and sex lives pure. We are surrounded by temptation on a level not seen.... well, in my short life anyway. Every where you go and every where you look, it's all about sex. Movies are filled with it, music sings about nothing else, every commercial has good looking people with very few clothes on, and yes even our waitresses are 'showing off'.

Tonight on our local news program (Feb. 5th, 2007) we saw a report on how to make a marriage work. One of the facts they gave in the report was that of the 19,000 marriages that took place in Kansas in 2006, 9,000 of them have already ended in divorce. Can you wrap your minds around that for a second...... Not only do 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but apparently they end quickly. It almost makes you wonder why people are even getting married these days. I have some theories that may have to wait for another blog, but one reason that everyone is getting married still is because they know that marriage is easy to get out of these days.

I will talk, well actually I will quote another, about two aspects that are killing marriages. First is sex and second is contentment or being happy; getting beyond the 'being in love' stage. The author I will quote exclusively is CS Lewis. It wasn't until later in his life that Lewis was married. He never went through his 30's with a wife and kids and wondering where all the fun went and where all the sex went. But he brings to the table some insights that have really hit me in the last few days.

First of all, we men are obsessed with sex. This is no shock, but can I also say that we 'Christian' men are obsessed with sex? In fact it may be a bigger problem with the Christian man than you may know. Do you know that 60% of all Christian men view pornography on a fairly regular basis? Do you know that 25% of Christian men have had at least one experience with a prostitute? Do you know that 40% of all Christian men are or will have an affair? Now, honesty is always at the heart of these blogs. I don't mean to embarrass myself or anyone else, but I will say that I'm not above percentages. Can we leave it there? :-)
Something has gone wrong with how we see sex and how the church deals with the matter. I'm going to give you a bunch of Lewis quotes and then will move on from there and talk about them.

"The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again."
"When I was a youngster, all the progressive people were saying, 'Why all this prudery? Let us treat sex just as we treat all our other impulses.' I was simple-minded enough to believe they meant what they said. I have since discovered that they meant exactly the opposite. They meant that sex was to be treated as no other impulse in our nature has ever been treated by civilized people. All the others, we admit, have to be bridled.... But every unkindness and breach of faith, seems to be condoned provided that the object aimed at is 'four bare legs in a bed'. It is like having a morality in which stealing fruit is considered wrong--unless you steal nectarines.... If I object to boys who steal my nectarines, must I be supposed to disapprove of nectarines in general? Or even of boys in general? It might, you know, be stealing that I disapprove of.
"Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. There is no getting away from it: the old Christian rule is, 'Either marriage, with complete faithfulness to your partner, or else total abstinence.' Now this is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts, that obviously either Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct, as it is now, has gone wrong. One or the other....
You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act, that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you cam to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?"

Ok, let's take a break. I know I can only read so much Lewis before I have to pause and wrap my head around some of the things he says. When Christians talk about sex it is always an uncomfortable time. Let's be honest, we say one thing about it and usually act another way on the matter; especially us men. We speak of being faithful to our wives but lust with our eyes so much that if our grandmothers were right, we would go blind. Some take it beyond just the eyes and sex becomes a monster that dogs our very existence, even beyond our marriages. Recently in a bible study that we attend we were given the assignment to write down 50 blessing in our lives. My #19 blessing was sex. Now this got a good laugh from everyone, but as I thought about it, I should have listed it higher. Why? Because it dominates much of my thinking. I was one of those rare birds that was a virgin when I first got married. It was just a quest of mine that I would stay 'pure' until my wedding night. Well, I certainly wasn't 'pure' but as for the actual act of sex, I had made it. Now the downside to this was, I really thought that once you were married, it would be a non-stop sex-a-thon with the wife. I wasn't prepared for the reality of marriage. I then got tempted with pornography and a troubling cycle began.
Lewis is right when he says that it's not sex that is the problem, but it's how we use it, view it and think of it that is. I love sex. The problem is, at times I put my love of it over other things that should rank higher on the blessing list. Here's more from Lewis:

"A society in which conjugal infidelity is tolerated must always be in the long run a society adverse to women. Women... are more naturally monogamous than men; it is a biological necessity. Where promiscuity prevails, they will therefore always be more often the victims than the culprits. Also, domestic happiness is more necessary to them than to us.... Thus in the ruthless war of promiscuity women are at a double disadvantage. They play for higher stakes and are also more likely to lose."

I don't think we should make the mistake and say that this is all the man's problem and not the woman's. I simply have to ask my friend Seth what the girls are wearing in High School these days to figure out that girls also have a 'wrong idea' about sex. And we should also not make the mistake of saying that women don't cheat on their husbands for we know from watching 'Grey's Anatomy' that this just isn't true. But we can safely say that Lewis is right when he says that usually the victims of 'wrong ideas about sex' are women. Even women who strip for a living, do so out of desperation and loneliness. Women who sell themselves sexually do so for the same reasons. Behind most women in pornography is a bad relationship with a man; usually a father. We men have to own up to our dominating part in this struggle. Pornographic web sites aren't simply the most downloaded sites on the Internet simply because of the women that pose for them. There are a lot of 'good, Christian men' looking at them because they feel like something is missing from their own marriage. One could call what's missing the thrill or the feeling of being wanted. Whatever the reason, men are trying to fill a void that porn sites and strip clubs and affairs cannot fill. Lewis writes some great stuff on what 'being in love' really is all about and what 'thrills' we should now strive for. I'll close with this.

"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but many things are also above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?.... But of course, ceasing to 'be in love need' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in a second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the explosion that started it.

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on 'being in love' forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change---not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last...Let the thrill go--let it die away--go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow--and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. It is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy."

Wives, forgive your husbands. We are weak and the temptations around us are overwhelming at times. We may fall, but don't let that be the end of the story of the love that we have. Husbands, let your wives in on your struggles. Share with them honestly what you are fighting against and deal directly with it. Wives, be open to what your husbands say; don't punish them because they struggle and are being honest with you about it. We all have something don't we? Too many marriages are ending because both sides have forgotten. They have forgotten what promises are and they have forgotten what honesty is. But more than either of those, the have forgotten what forgiveness and healing are really all about.

One of my favorite commercials from the last few years is by a sporting wear company called 'Under Armour'. In this commercial a bunch of very manly football players are stomping around working out and training for a big game. The leader of the team starts giving a speech to his teammates about how everyone is coming after them. The tension builds until he shouts, 'Will you protect this house?!!!!' His teammates respond with, "I will, I will". Men of Troy, that is to be our battle cry. We are under attack and our wives and kids are paying the price. The enemy is at hand and it is time to answer the question: Will you protect your house? (View the commercial here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2905328199281265150&q=Under+Armor%2C&hl=en

Brace yourself like men.... and fight this battle like a man.... it's the only way God let's you fight.

Just make it better

I can't believe I'm 37 years old. I can't believe that we are starting year 2007. I can't believe that Michael Jordan doesn't play basketball anymore. I can't believe it's been 20 years since I graduated High School. I can't believe it's been 16 years since I graduated college. I can't believe Andre Agassi retired when I can remember him starting his career at age 16.... and he's now retired. I can't believe there is an 8 year old boy and a 3 year old boy in my house that follow me around and keep calling me dad. I can't be a dad. I'm too young right? I'm feeling it, big time.

Recently I went and saw Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6). Are you kidding me? Six Rocky movies? Actually it was quite good. But in watching that movie I was really hoping to feel motivated and leave saying that 'it's never to late'. I wanted to leave that movie, go run 4 miles, do 100 sit ups and run the stairs in Philly. No, instead I went home, had a glass of milk and ate a pop tart. I thought about the effort required in working out and decided that I best just relax and watch another episode of 'The Office'. I couldn't help but say, 'damn that Rocky Balboa'.

At the start of anything new you're supposed to feel a feeling of renewal or have a thought of a second chance. Every time in school that we started a new grading period I always said, 'this is the semester that I will study hard and actually read a book. Never really happened. The new year is a time to start dieting, working out, living on a budget and reading the Bible more. This new year I have hesitated in making any of those pledges. I have told one of my co-workers that I 'would like' to start lifting weights with him. I have told my wife that I 'would like' to start living on a budget. And I've told several that by summer time I 'would like' a 'boy band body'. In order to achieve those goals I'm going to have to fight to get them. I don't have to fight anyone like Rocky did, but like Rocky I will have to fight myself.

(As I'm writing this they just introduced Nancy Pelosi as the 'new speaker of the house' and I had to recollect my thoughts).

Ok, where was I? Ah yes, fighting for change. Driving home last night I told myself and God something. I was trying to pray for renewal. I was going to attempt that always lame, "Lord, help me do better'. Then it hit me. I said to myself, 'self. You don't want to change. You like yourself just the way you are. You like being sarcastic and arguing about silly things. You like criticizing others. You like your passionate moments of anger. You like setting goals and not meeting them. The reason I know this is because we are 37 years into this and every year is just like the last year. If you actually wanted these things, you would fight for them.'

I thought this was a little harsh for self to tell myself this. I didn't really like what was being said. So I had to change my prayer to , "Lord, help me want to change."

There is a saying that in tough times it's either 'Fight or Flight'. You are either going to fight for something or you are going to flee with your pride in your pocket and your head hung low. Another saying says, 'you must fight fire with fire'. This proverb has been traced back to Shakespeare's Coriolanus:

Aufiduis: One fire drives out one fire; one nail, one nail; Rights by rights falter, strengths by strengths do fail.

I used to have a fire in my belly for things. I remember going outside our house in North Carolina and hitting rocks for hours with my baseball bat to improve my swing. I remember playing basketball until I couldn't see anymore trying to work on my fade away jumper. I remember going to Sunday School and youth group always talking about the things of God and really wanting to make a difference. I can remember dreaming of having a wife and kids; a nice house, good job and thinking I would be very happy with that. Well, I am very happy with 'that' but I'm still not so pleased with me. I just don't feel the fire to accomplish anything other than making the house payment. Time to fight fire with fire.

---

I love to blog in 'real time'. It's now about 10 hours since I wrote all of the above. I re-read what I had written and simply said, 'what a cry baby'. Yeah, I called myself a big, fat, lump of a baby. Why? Well, it's because I'm 'stuck on stupid'. Every blog is starting to sound the same. It's full of the same laments about my life and where I am and where I'm going. I'm sitting here thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be and I'm EXACTLY who I'm supposed to be for right now. Maybe I'm not changing this or changing that because I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO! Maybe, as flawed as I am, I am actually of some use to God, my wife, my kids and my friends... all 4 of them. ;-) Sure, I wish I wouldn't do certain things or say certain things but you know what? There are plenty of things that I'm darn glad I do and things that I'm thrilled that I've said. (patting self on back)

I said to Konnie a little bit ago, 'winch, get me a beer'. Ok, that's not what I said. (I don't like beer) I was going to go for the manly thing but here's what I said, 'You're happy right?'. 'Yes' she says. 'You like our house and the boys are great and I have a good job... that's all good right?' 'I'm a very lucky woman Geoffrey'. With that she put her head on my shoulders and smiled.

So I have a great life. Great wife, great kids, great job. I have great friends... all 4 of you. (just kidding) The ONE area I really need to improve on is my witness. Well, ok, so let's improve that. Let's just make it better and quit fretting over how many times I'm going to fall on my face and how many times I'm not going to make it and how many times I will fall in the water because I momentarily lost my faith. Just make it better.

So there you go. Marriage problems? Just make it better. Money problems? Just make it better. Faith problems? Just make it better. We're not talking about perfection here, just take some baby steps in the right direction and see how that works for you. I'm starting to think that my life isn't as hard as I want it to be. Maybe I tend to need chaos in order to feel 'human'. Maybe I need things to be broken so I can try and fix them. Well, maybe I just need to focus on something and simply try to make that something better. If everyone were as 'bad off' as I am, the world really wouldn't be too bad. :-)

Ha! Take that self.... you little nagging gnat!

Slips, Trips and Falls

The past week or so has been very hard on me. For some reason, I get really agitated at Christmas time as I seem to be unable to buy enough things or get enough time off. I know that family get togethers are coming and sometimes that's not very fun. It's cold out and because I work a lot in the outdoors, I seem to get my share of head colds and migraines. My attitude has been horrible. I got into a big fight with an engineer because he did something I didn't want him to do. It wasn't that big of a deal but I was tired (on duty for 12 hours and it was 5:30am) and I didn't feel good. Instead of just rolling with things a bit better we got into a massive shouting match and I felt I was seconds away from just punching him and losing my job. I haven't been nice around my house at all. As great as my wife is, my list of complaints seems to never end and I know it wears on her. With all the CS Lewis, George MacDonald and Donald Miller I've been reading, you think I would start to make some progress and quit doing some of these things. But I feel burned out and have let my guard down on more than one occasion.

My company has a slogan that annoys me. There 'big thing' is this: "Safety First". Why does this annoy me? Well, they don't exactly provide the atmosphere or environment to make sure you are always 'safe'. They work you to death. They are always looking to take a bit more money away. They don't maintain equipment or tracks to ensure safety. The list goes on and on. But by saying 'Safety First' they put the onus on us, the employees, to make sure we're never tired, never in an 'unsafe' spot and always have that Stepford wives smile on our faces. Every holiday season they put out a little reminder about safety during the winter months. As I read this I naturally thought, 'yeah, right.... it's that easy'. But upon further review I thought the steps were useful in another area: my spiritual life.

The memo states that during the holiday months over the past 4 years most injuries have been due to slips, trips and falls. They say these injuries are preventable by doing the following things.... I think 'spiritual injuries' are preventable by doing the same things.

1. Keep your eyes on the path
2. Choose the safest course
3. Stay focused on the task at hand
4. Take every precaution to avoid slips, trips and falls (see how redundant they are?)
5. Be aware of your surroundings and expect movement from all directions, all the time
6. Continue to practice good housekeeping
7. Winter action plans are in effect. Be prepared

Pretty obvious, but practical steps to myself being able to avoid confrontations, depression and anger. I won't take the time to tell you how to apply all of these steps to your own life, but I will say that I think most of us need a 'Winter Action Plan'. There are more suicides this time of year than any other. Debt rises faster at this time of year than any other. And God bless our employers because they love to 'cut budgets' this time of year to meet their goals. I know Union Pacific is notorious for cutting jobs during the holiday season to save on their 'year-end' budget. Nice Christmas for those guys huh?

The world isn't going to provide you an environment in which to 'be safe'. We are driven by sex, power and money. If you aren't pursuing those things then you are either mocked or run over. It's very difficult to navigate your way through life at all times of the year, but it seems this time is especially hard. Encourage each other and look for signs in your family and friends that things are not going well. Sometimes you can detect the pending slip, trip or fall and maybe you can play a part in helping prevent that. Have a great Holiday season watch out for what is going on around you and in you.

See you in 2007!

Geoff

Who Are You?

I struggle with self-confidence. You wouldn't really think so to be around me because I can come across as loud, brash, mouthy; a real trash talker when watching the sport of my choice. I know more than all the political pundits put together and if only coaches would listen to me. But really I have always had a fairly low self-esteem problem. Part of this is probably genetic but the other part is 'church-conditioning'. No, I'm not going to be one of those that wants to blame the church for all the problems in the world but simply to point out what I think is true for me.

Growing up the son-of-a-preacher-man (cue the song), I have always been around the Church and it's teachings. While a great deal of doctrine has been good for me the one that seems to occupy most of my mind and time is that of sin. I have never felt worthy to be called a Christian and I've always wondered if I should just lose the title and move on to something else less hypocritical; like physics. Since about 5th grade I have been an avid cusser. To me it has become a language that I'm as fluent in as Bush is in Spanish; ok, I'm better at cussing than Bush is at speaking Spanish. I respond to most times of stress, aggravation, exhaustion, my teams losing, etc. with a wondrous string of expletives that would make Eddie Murphy proud. Some folks are 'golly Christians'; some are 'darn Christians'; some are 'damn Christians' and I'm, well, I'm what Bill Cosby would say is a 'fill, fouth, filth, foul Chrisitian'. Doesn't really seem like the two should be lumped together.

I admit this character flaw for several reasons. First of all, just to remind us that I'm no expert on anything; except maybe cursing. And make no mistake, it's not my only flaw. :-) Secondly, to confess this openly is like telling a secret I've had for some time. Of course it's about as good a secret as saying Hillary Clinton is running in 2008 for President; duh. Finally, I just want you all to know that this isn't something I'm proud of and in fact it has led me to believe that I'm pretty worthless as a believer in Christ and really have nothing to offer anyone. Yeah, it does that to me. It is simply a battle that I can't seem to win and wish to no longer fight. In feeling this way I have felt that God has no use for me and would simply turn his nose up to me at the very mention of me doing anything with Him. I just don't feel worthy at times. I don't know who I am. More importantly, I'm not sure Who's I am.

Here's where my recent readings have helped me. Especially the things written by George MacDonald. I recently read some stuff by him that has caused me to pause and rethink 'who I am' and 'what I'm worth' to God. MacDonald goes to great pains to tell us that it isn't necessarily what we're made up of, but what we're made for that gives us our worth.

"For He regards men not as they are merely, but as they shall be; not as they shall be merely, but as they are now growing, or capable of growing toward that image after which he made them that they might grow to it....The truth of the flower is, not the facts about it, be they correct as ideal science itself, but the shining, glowing, gladdening, patient thing throned on its stalk--the compeller of smile and tear..... The idea of God is the flower: His idea is not the botany of the flower. Its botany is but a thing of ways and means--of canvas and color and brush in relation to the picture in the painter's brain.... The truth of a thing, then, is the blossom of it, the thing it is made for.."

I don't believe in excusing poor behavior. I don't believe in it for myself or for others. However, I am compelled to admit that I'm starting to 'understand' that myself and many others have some reasons for why we/they behave in a certain way. Face it folks, we all have SOMETHING. It may not be cussing. It may be lust, greed, selfishness, pride, seeing everyone with the eyes of judgment or even simple gossip. But we do have something that makes us up and keeps us from being who we can be; mainly because we allow it to become the THING about us and we forget who we really are. It is this constant battling between what I do and what I am supposed to do that has caused me to lose sight of who I am. I do believe that nature and nurture are both vitally important in the development of anyone. I'm starting to think nature plays a bigger role than I may have wanted to believe previously. But here's the thing. No matter what our condition, God knows. No matter how hard the battle, God knows. No matter how many times we fail, God knows. And what is it He knows? He knows the blossom that you will be not just simply the botany of you. That is why in my previous post I so highlighted the fact that we can't simply try to sit around and figure everything out. Eventually we need to get on with the thing of getting to know Jesus. CS Lewis in his book Mere Christianity puts it this way.

" But if you are a poor creature- poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual, perversion- nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends-do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all-not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)"

Now, in no way is there an excuse for the behavior, just the knowledge that God knows what circumstances you have gone through and He may yet have a use for you/me. MacDonald says of wrongdoing that "No man is condemned for anything he has done, he is condemned for continuing to do wrong." For me, this means that while God may know the reason for my cursing and many other sins, and while He may still have a great use for me, there should be no lull in me trying to be a better person and improve my faults. I can't wait to be 'fixed' to do His will. But this is ONLY going to happen if I grow in my relationship with HIM and I quit trying to 'figure me out'. This is where the Church should come in. I shouldn't have to go to Church to realize what a wretch I am, for I know all about that already. I should be able to go and find the Truth that will help free me from my wretched behavior. I need loved, spots and all. How many 'sinners' are we casting aside because they don't measure up to our 'standards'? Are you kidding me? I've said this before but if we get rid of all the 'sinners' in Church, then what are you all going to be doing on Sundays from now on? I don't mean to be harsh but some Churches and some Church folks need a bit of a 'spiritual reality check'. Are we really helping sex addicts? Are we really helping alcoholics? Are we really helping drug abusers? I can't answer that for you, but I know that I'm not doing my part. I can answer this; most people really don't have an idea of who they are because the messages are getting too jumbled. We are either saved by Grace or we aren't. We are either supposed to love one another or we aren't. We are either supposed to lead people to a better relationship with Jesus or we aren't. We're either all sinners or I need to just say 'check please' and go about my merry away and be done with this Christianity thing. Because if it's not about loving others and serving God, then would someone please tell me what we're supposed to be doing?

Most people really don't know that they have a worth that is above the most precious of stones; that's greater than even their sins. Most people feel lost and dirty and useless. Here's the thing: it's not about 'most' people, it's about all of us. All of us need Jesus. I don't care if you're an elder or a casual drinker of beer. We can either build each other up and walk with each other as we get to know this Jesus person better or a pox on all of us. You are valuable. You are precious. You are needing a Savior and save you He has. Spend some time with Him and get to know who you really are. You'll also get to know everyone else around you a bit better as well. And then be in awe of the 'awesome blossoms'. :-)

Can We Handle 'The Truth'?

It's one of the most classic scenes in all of cinema. The movie is 'A Few Good Men' with Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson and Demi Moore. We find our main characters in a military court room with Colonel Jessep (Nicholson) on the stand being questioned by a young, pompous defense attorney Lt. Kaffee (Cruise). The trial is over two soldiers being responsible for the death of a fellow soldier via a command given by Col. Jessep; a 'code red'. A 'code red' is a form of 'in house' discipline that soldiers often use to handle their own problem cases. While Col. Jessep avoids directly answering whether or not he ordered the code red, Cruises character eventually baits him into an intense encounter that leads to this exchange.

view here: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/109067/a_few_good_men/ (*language*)

I get chills every time I watch this exchange. Why? There are several reasons. First of all, I love court room dramas. Why I work for the railroad and never went to law school I still don't know. Secondly, Jack Nicholson brings an intensity to the scene that earned him an Oscar nomination. Finally, there is something about that line, 'You can't handle the truth' that haunts me. I remember preaching a sermon using this scene. It was based on the book of Job and how at the end of the day Job couldn't handle 'the truth' he said he kept seeking. The truth of his life and of the universe almost broke him.

Once again I have been facing this question of 'Truth'. In reading George MacDonald, Donald Miller and CS Lewis I am beginning to form an opinion of what the Truth is that may not be popular in a mainstream church. This idea is not unique with me because, as I mentioned, it has evolved through the writings of the previously mentioned authors. I think the Church, though it does a ton of great things, has missed 'the truth' to some degree. I think that most Christians, including myself, have missed the entire point of Jesus and who He really is and what He really is.

The Bible is an amazing work of literature; it's historical, poetic, prophetic and emotionally heart wrenching and at times, humorous. In 2 Timothy chapter 3 starting at about verse 14 or so, (I will quote using Eugene Peterson's 'The Message') it says: "There's nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another--showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God's way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us."

The Bible is unmistakably important to our lives. Through the Bible we can find our way.... but our way to what? The Truth. But the question then becomes, 'what is the truth?'. Is it the Bible itself or the source of the Bible, God himself revealed in the person of Jesus? The mistake I think we have made is that instead of the Bible leading us to 'the truth', we have put all the value on the verses we read and not the source of those verses. The problem, I think with that is that I can give a verse to 4 different people and they will come up with 4 different answers as to what the verse may mean. Why do you think we have hundreds of denominations? Why do you think we have some that say water baptism is essential for salvation and others say it's not. Why do you think the Catholics so value communion and other faiths do not think it should be a weekly activity? How in the world could we have ever gotten the 'Health and Wealth' belief if not for splicing certain verses together that we convinced ourselves that to be 'rich' was to have health and money? I have grown so tired of arguing over scripture that I can't even begin to tell you my frustration over this matter. We search and search the words and never really decide on a direction to go. Or worse yet, we decide on taking a path that is so far from Christ we might as well worship purple monkeys. (I mean no offense to any purple monkeys that may read this blog) MacDonald says several things about the matter.

MacDonald says of the Bible, " But herein the Bible itself is greatly wronged. It nowhere lays claim to be regarded as the Word, the Way, the Truth. The Bible leads us to Jesus, the inexhaustible, the ever unfolding Revelation of God. It is Christ 'in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge,' not the Bible, save as leading to Him."

MacDonald is a big believer in, 'quit arguing about it and do something that reflects Jesus to others'. He says, "Instead of so knowing Christ that they have Him in them saving them, they lie wasting themselves in soul-sickening self examination as to whether they are believers (and what they believe), whether they are really trusting in the atonement, whether they are truly sorry for their sins--the way to madness of the brain, and despair of the heart. Instead of asking yourself whether you believe or not, ask yourself whether you have this day done ONE THING because He said, Do it, or once abstained because He said, do not do it. It is simply absurd to say you believe, or even want to believe in Him, if you do not do anything He tells you."

Ouch. I truly believe that even in the church we have people spending all their time in self evaluation and self pity because they are sinners and need to understand all the creeds of the church before they can actually serve Christ. I know what a sinner I am, believe me. I have spent the majority of my christian walk trying to figure out why I do what I do and how I can fix me. Well, in the meantime a lot of things don't get done. I have also spent so much time trying to figure out who's right in all the theological arguments over abortion, gay rights, war, the death penalty, etc. that I do very little in actually ministering Jesus' love to others. I don't mean to sound like a thundering liberal (because I am a registered Republican) :-) but at some point we should quit arguing theology and actually feed the hungry, love the loveless, shelter the homeless and care for the sinners among us. It's about finding 'the truth'; Jesus and then deciding on whether or not we can handle what He has for us.

In his book, 'Blue Like Jazz' Donald Miller has some pointed things to say about 'true' belief. "Here is the trick, and here is my point. Satan, who I believe exists as much as I believe Jesus exists, wants us to believe meaningless things for meaningless reasons. Can you imagine if Christians actually believed that God was trying to rescue us from the pit of our own self-addiction? Can you imagine? Can you imagine what Americans would do if they understood over half the world was living in poverty? Do you think they would change the way they live, the products the purchase, and the politicians the elect? If we believed the right things, the 'true' things, there wouldn't be very many problems on earth. But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. And there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if I actually believe these things I have to do something about them."

I think that going to Church for the wrong reasons gets us to start believing and doing meaningless things. Going to church for meaningless reasons is well, meaningless. If we go because we are supposed to, it's meaningless. If we go because we are on the worship team, it's meaningless. If we go because people will call and ask us why we weren't there, it's meaningless. But if we are going to seek the truth in our lives and want to share in this journey with others, then it's priceless. We (my family) skip church every now and then and you know what? It's great. We don't fight trying to get the kids ready. We don't wake up angry. We don't rush around trying to get lunch plans made. We spend time together as a family and it's awesome. I would suggest it to anyone that once in a while, take time for the wife and kids instead of going to the exact same service you went to last week. If you catch any grief simply shout, 'YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!'. It won't have any relevance to the conversation but it does shock people. :-)

Here's another thought from Miller. " A friend of mine, a young pastor who recently started a church, talks to me from time to time about the new face of church in America--about the postmodern church. He says the new church will be different from the old one, that we will be relevant to culture and the human struggle. I don't think any church has ever been relevant to culture, to the human struggle, unless it believed in Jesus and the power of His gospel. If the supposed new church believes in trendy music and cool web pages, then it is not relevant to culture either. It is just another tool of Satan to get people to be passionate about nothing."

The Church is a great thing. But one thing that's not great about it is how divided it is and how divided it has made us. We are so bogged down in 'discovery' via sermons and Bible studies that we don't actually minister to a living soul and we never get ministered to by the source of all Truth. And that is not a good thing. I'll end with a scene from MacDonald's book 'Thomas Wingfold: Curate". Wingfold, the local pastor, has been confronted by a wise old dwarf Palworth who knows that Thomas is stealing his sermons from others. He gives Thomas a long, wonderful speech about what he should be seeking instead of spending time in the Bible simply to come up with sermons. Thomas had always been a student of the Bible, but was still missing something; the truth. Palworth says: "Ah! Mr. Wingfold, what if, after all the discoveries are made, and all the theories are set up and pulled down--what if, after all this, the strongest weapon a man can wield is prayer to the one who made him!..... Before long there came to me also the two same questions you asked: How do I know there is a God at all? and How am I to know that such a man as Jesus ever lived? I could answer neither. But in the meantime I was reading the story--was drawn to the Man, and was trying to understand his being, and character, and the principles of his life and action. To sum it all up, not many months had passed before I had forgotten to seek an answer to either question: they were in fact no longer questions. I had seen the man Jesus Christ, and in him had known the Father of him and of me."

The truth is in Jesus. Seek Him and you'll find the truth for your lives. I don't know if it will last for me; I can only pray it does. But I know this: since taking this path to the truth, my life has a bit more peace in it. My marriage is better. My attitude is better. I know that I'm a sinner and that I don't have all the answers. But the source for those answers I do know. The question really is for me, 'will I be able to handle the Truth?'

To be continued......

Say Nothing

One of my favorite movies ever is 'Say Anything' with John Cusack. It's a great coming-to-age movie that is filled with great quotes and memorable moments. If you've ever seen anyone hold a radio above their head and play 'In your eyes' by Peter Gabriel, then you know one of these moments. If you don't know that moment... you didn't grow up in the 80's and 90's and should rent the movie.I thought about this movie recently after having several conversations with people at home, work, on the phone, etc about religion and theology. It seems everyone believes something a little different when it comes to the 'things of God'. You all know a lot of my views from these blogs. You also may have picked up on a theme that I really don't think I know that much and I'm not sure I'll ever have it figured out totally.It can be overwhelming when someone asks you 'What do you believe about.....' or 'What are you going to do when.....'. In trying to go through all my doubts, convictions, hypocrisy, dogmas and other musings I usually just wish I could love Jesus and have Him love me. It really seems that it should be that simple, but the world will not allowfor such a relationship. You have to know all the facts; you have to know every Bible verse and all the evidence that supportssuch views. You have to be able to pronounce fancy words and complicated theological theories and philosophies. And God help you if you don't know the difference between a hymn and a chorus.There is a scene in 'Say Anything' that I love. The main character, Lloyd Dobbler is meeting his girlfriends father for the first time. Jim, the father, is having several friends over for dinner and they begin to inquire of Lloyd what his goals are in life. Lloyd is obviously 'out of place' in this setting and after making an attempt to placate the questioners, he simply sums up his goal.

ACCOUNTANT: So Lloyd, you graduated Lakeside, right?
LLOYD Yes sir.
ACCOUNTANT What are you going to do now?
JIM Yeah Lloyd. What are your plans for the future?
LLOYD Spend as much time as possible with Diane before she leaves.
JIM Seriously, Lloyd.
LLOYD I'm totally and completely serious.
JIM No, really.
LLOYD You mean like career? Uh, I don't know. I've, I've thought about this quite a bit sir, and I'd have to say considering what's waiting out there for me, I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or... process anything sold, bought or processed, or repair anything sold, bought or processed, you know, as a career I don't want to do that. So, uh, my father's in the army, he wants me to join, but I can't work for that corporation, so what I've been doing lately is kickboxing, which is really a, uh, new sport, but I think it's got a good future. As far as career longevity goes, I don't really know, because, you know, you can't really tell. Your training sticks (?) as a fighter, you know, but it's no good, you know, you have to be great, but I can't really tell if I'm great until I've had a couple of pro fights. But I haven't been knocked out yet. (everyone looking confused)I don't know, I can't figure it all out tonight sir, I'm just going to hang with your daughter.

The guests exchange nervous glances.

Why I love this is because this is what too many churches do to 'average people'. As soon as they show interest in their church they begin to bombard them with questions of faith and theology. We want people to have it all 'figured out'. We, in the church, have this idea of what the average churchperson should be like. We think they should have strong opinions of politics, money, abortion, gay marriage, divorce, TV violencedrinking, smoking, etc. We want them to fall in line with our line of thinking and when they don't necessarily fall in that linewe stare at them and wonder why they are so 'strange'.The reality of it is this: most people that believe in Jesus and fall in love with Jesus, at the end of the day, just really only want to 'hang with Jesus'. It's not a bad philosophy really. We can get way to bogged down in each of our denominations 'key talking points'. The Catholics have confession and communion. The Baptists have water Baptism.The Calvinists have 'Election'. And we Quakers have our peace and 'quiet time'. I'm not talking down to any of those beliefs. I'm just saying that when faced with so many different options in the Christian faith and so many different ideas within each of those denominations and faiths, I usually just want to say, 'you know, I can't figure it all out tonight sir, I'm just going to hang with Jesus'.

A Mid-Life Marriage

I'm sure that those who know how old I am would question me on why I consider myself 'middle aged'. I'm 'only' 37 years old, can still grow hair, not necessarily on my head--I still have most of my teeth and I know the words to several 'Nickleback' songs. If you don't know who Nickleback is, then maybe you are old. Just kidding. But for those that 'really' know me, know that if I can make it to 74, then I'm doing well. There are several reasons why saying that I'm middle-aged at 37 might be too optimistic for me.

First of all I free base brown gravy with more dedication than your best Heroin addict. I'm best friends with anyone that cooks big, thick slices of well fried bacon. I tend to be about an 8.5 on the 10.0 stress scale... ok, I'm a 9. I like vegetables... that are cooked with a vat of butter and topped off with the aforementioned bacon. I also drive a diesel so the environmentalists will tell me that cancer is inevitable. I talk a lot on my cell phone which will surely lead to brain cancer, or driving off a bridge because I'm distracted. I work for the railroad which is one of the most dangerous jobs when it comes to getting injured or killed. And finally, I live in an era where Brittany Spears, Hillary Duff and Paris Hilton have all made millions in the music industry. I should die on principle alone if nothing else.

The point is, I'm just feeling 'different'. I feel very out of place in our world right now. The music I love isn't even recognized by 'young people'. The athletes I grew up loving are old men.... well, they're middle-aged anyway. I still think Cheers is a great show. If I had my way all Play Stations would be destroyed and kids would have to get ball bats, go outside and hit rocks. Yes, my kids have a play station... I didn't say I wasn't a hypocrite.

It's not just external things that have made me feel like something's off. My insides are struggling with some pretty basic, but serious, middle aged questions. When it comes to 'what I do', I am feeling that maybe I'm at a point where there is no more room for growth. I make a pretty good salary and for the job I work there isn't any opportunity of making more other than our yearly $1 a day raise. I often feel like, 'so this is it? This is what I went to college for four years for? This is where all my childhood dreams have found me? This is where I get to make my mark on the world? Bummer.

Everyone that knows me knows I love my wife. She's far better than I deserve and anyone with more sense than your average opossum would know it. But something there even feels 'off'. Konnie and I have talked at length about this so all you chatty Kathys that want to rumor and worry about us should get over yourselves; we're fine. :-) I think every young man thinks of marriage at some point. Ok, some think of 'civil unions' but that's a whole other blog. What is it that every guy wants in a wife? Well, someone that's thoughtful is a plus. A gal that can put several words together and form a sentence that doesn't always end with 'ya know?' A woman that has a gift of cooking is always a benefit, though saying that sounds like I'm saying 'a woman that's always in the kitchen' and that's not what I'm saying. She doesn't have to stay there all day of course. ;-) For those that dream of children we hope for a great mom to the heirs of our fortune. My kids were blessed with a mom that can read. My youngest Kenyon wanted a book read to him one night and Konnie said, 'see if Daddy will read it to you'. Kenyon, with all seriousness, said with a tone of pity, 'Mom, Daddy can't read'. So, reading is apparently a good thing.

A God fearing woman is a great thing. Check out Proverbs for more excellent features to be found in a great woman; there's also some words of caution too.
But at the end of the day I think all guys really think about when they are young is something so simple is seems that it would guarantee success in finding a mate. While all those 'other' attributes are a great thing in a wife, the thing we really wanted is..... say it with me.... our very own 'Naked Person'. Yes, we are that simple and we are that primal. Face it, if I wanted conversations that were about things I was interested in (not that I'm not interested when we talk honey), watching games with someone or listening to the latest solo by Joe Satriani, I would have never quit being Seth Roe's roommate. I would live in a college dorm room for the rest of my life. But there is something about how God made us and how God made girls that made us go, 'whoa!' There's something about the beauty of a woman that trumps any basketball or football game. There is something so hypnotizing about the look of an 'interested woman' that makes us speak in unintelligible languages, trip over obvious furniture, watch 'Sleepless in Seattle' and actually dare to say, 'That Oprah, she's something else huh?'. It's all because we were alone and God gave us Eve.

Don't mistake me or my words. I'm not trying to make all men out to be pigs and all women out to be merely objects of desire. I'm just saying that when we first jumped on this boat called 'relationships and dating' we had an idea of where the destination was going to be. We started off thinking warm, fluffy thoughts and about 5-10 years into it we start going, 'so, this is it?'. Again, It says nothing of how great our wives really are; for they are truly wonderful creations of God. Beautifully wrapped miracles they are indeed. It simply says how 'off' our nature is in accordance with God's plan. It also says that nothing, not even our very own naked person, can fill that God shaped void in our souls.

I read recently how there are now more single people in the US than there are married people. Of course you know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and that a whopping 60% experience one or the other (husband or wife) having an affair. The stats are also overwhelming that it's the husband that will cheat. Sure, I can sit here and scoff and arrogantly say that , 'I will never cheat on my wife', (she always tells me that a) I could never tell her and b) that she gets half), but I have to look at the stats and at least 'pay attention' to warning signs. I find myself getting annoyed with many 'little things' in my marriage. Things that just don't matter. I find that I will investigate the house and find something to complain to Konnie about. I find that when we don't have sex I take it as she is no longer interested in me and that it's just not worth ever asking for it again. DRAMA QUEEN! I find that I think my friends probably don't have to 'endure' such unbearable hardships like I do. Turns out, we all do. It's not because we have bad wives. Again, something's not right in the soul. True, we probably would like more romance. We probably would like to be told that we look hot in that outfit. We probably would like to be held more but.... Hang on, I need to check if I'm actually a man after writing all that.

I've said all that just to say this: Marriage is a lot of freaking work. It takes things I don't have much of; patience, kindness, understanding and an appetite for vegetables. If it was just simply about having my own 'naked person', things would be much easier. But I'm often reminded of a CS Lewis quote: 'Everything worth having is hard.' Relationships aren't easy. Going through a mid life crisis isn't easy. Trying to find your place half way though this life, isn't easy. Growing in your faith, isn't easy. But you know what's really hard? Living WITH ME!

God bless that woman!

Defeating Self and Addiction

As many of you know I am reading a ton of stuff by the Scottish writer, George MacDonald. MacDonald wrote most of his stuff from the mid to late 1800's. His writings were so cutting edge that he was basically run out of the ministry because he went against 'traditional doctrine'. The man was/is revolutionary in his thinking and his theology. His novels, fairy tales and sermons are an amazing read. Most of what I'm reading are the edited versions of his writings by the author Michael Phillips. MacDonald's original writings are more than most people can handle in tone and language.

Recently I've been reading MacDonald's thoughts on the self and the will. He talks about how these two things must be separated not just simply so they can't speak with one another, but they need to be in different universes all together. In talking about the self and what it's motives are towards us, I think he hits on something that can help every addict I've ever known. I have addictions and I have family members whose lives have been controlled and in some ways, ruined by addictions of various kinds. I do believe that many struggles are chemical and that it takes quiet a long process to recover from these dependencies. I also believe very strongly that if you don't enlist the help of God, whatever you may 'overcome', you really never will 'overcome' the real problem: self.

What does our self and our will do with one another that leads so many of us in making poor choices; choices like drink, drugs, pornography, violence, etc? Philips, in response to MacDonald's writings on the matter says, 'the self is the seat of our wants and desires, our fleshly and soulish inclinations. The will is the seat of our decision-making power, that place within us where choices are made..... for most the moment the desire is felt, the decision is made. I want, therefore I will. The self and will, functioning in complete harness and unity, act as a single expression of personhood.' Did you follow that? Basically we allow our 'self' to say that it 'wants' something. Then, without hesitation or consultation, the will says, 'I will have it'. The goal isn't to listen to the self and then have the will make better choices. No, the goal is to throw the self out on it's ears and have no more to say about anything. Philips says this, 'But if we hope to live as children of God, MacDonald says this equation must be recomputed. Decisions are no more to have anything to do with what the self wants or does not want.... The two do not see each other. They do not speak to one another. They exert no influence over the other. The planets (of self and will) have been gravitationally disconnected.'

Self denial isn't going to quit existing.... it's not going to quit saying 'I want'. Most people, MacDonald says, are under the false assumption that to die to sin is simply to give a bunch of stuff up. MacDonald says that now the 'I will' functions out of a different seat. The self is no longer allowed to have any voice or vote with the will and that a new equation comes about. Instead of 'I want, therefore I will' the self is now allowed to only say 'I want, therefore nothing'. The will then takes up the equation of 'He wants, therefore, I will'. Obviously the self is no longer pleased with it's demotion and a fight will take place. You know this fight don't you? I sure do. The fighting of the self to have it's way over your will is, at times, overwhelming and seemingly a battle that can't be won. I don't care if it's diet, alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, stealing, lying.... whatever the sin or vice may be, it will not die quietly. Philips says, 'All it's life it has controlled the will. Now to be told that its influence is over, dead, past---verily will it fight back! And so we too must meet the challenge boldly and head on, confronting its whimpers and arguments and lies with fortitude and determination. The equation for ruling self becomes: I want therefore..... QUIET! Away with you! You have no more say here!"

MacDonald writes to the self something that I think everyone fighting any addiction or simply fighting the battle of 'you over God' needs to read, perhaps daily. It truly puts self in it's place:

"Self, I do not have to consult you, but him whose idea is the soul of you, and of which as yet you are all unworthy. I have to do, not with you, but with the source of you, by whom it is that any moment you exist. He is the causing of you, not the caused you. You may be my consciousness, but you are not my being. If you were, what a poor, miserable, dingy, weak wretch I should be! But my life is hid with Christ in God, whence it came and whither it is returning. You will return with me, certainly, but as an obedient servant, not a master.
Submit, or I will cast you from me and pray to have another consciousness given me. For God is more to me than my consciousness of myself. Here is my life, you are only so much of it as my poor half-made being can grasp--as much of it as I can know at once. Because I have fooled and spoiled you, treated you as if you were indeed my own self, you have dwindled yourself and have lessened me till I am ashamed of myself. If I were to heed what you say, I should soon be sick of you. Even now I am more and more disgusted with your paltry, mean face, which I meet at every turn. No! let me have the company of the Perfect One, not of you! He is my elder brother, the Living One! I will not make a friend of the mere shadow of my own being!
Good-bye, Self! I deny you, and will do my best every day to leave you behind me."

What a journey this may be for me. I'm only 2 days (Oct 9th) into it and it's already a huge battle. My self is big, fat and used to getting his way. He wants to say certain things and do certain things. Will I really be able to change? (whatever that means) I have to hope so. This isn't about giving up this or giving up that. It's about a different mindset entirely. I want to love people. I want to see people as Christ sees them. I'm one of the most judgmental people you could ever know. I'm really not nice to people that aren't like me. My Self thinks he's the king.... he's angry to be told that not only is he lowly, but he must be placed on the alter and sacrificed completely.

DING! DING!
Let the fight begin.

"Shoot me first"

I have said many times in the past that I am prone to times of
'over-emotion'. I cry at the smallest things; acts of kindness, sappy
commercials, stupid movies, touching songs. I have always had in my
personality the ability, or disability as the case may be, to empathize
with people in any given situation. The past week those traits have
taken their toll on me and I now feel completely and utterly battered
to the point of exhaustion. I feel I have come to my cross roads and a
choice will have to be made.

The schoolhouse shootings in a little Amish community in Nickle Mines,
PA has brought me to my knees. I have cried several times over the
events that took place last week in that quiet schoolhouse. I know now
what it is when pure evil assaults pure innocence. And lest you should
ever doubt the presence of evil, look no farther than the events of
that day. Hugo Chavez, the underwhelming leader of Venezuela, called
President Bush, 'the devil'. He wishes that were the case. I'm afraid
Mr. Chavez will one day get the opportunity of meeting said devil and
I'm sure he'll wonder what he was thinking. No, you see the devil went
to Nickle Mines, PA and assaulted the mind of Charles Roberts; a little
man.

I have no earthly comprehension of what it takes for a man to shoot 10
little girls, killing at least 5 of them. I have nothing in me that
can possibly relate to just how depraved a man has to get to be able to
look into the eyes of a small angel and pull the trigger. There is
nothing within my knowledge of this universe that will ever satisfy my
question as to how he could have planned to rape 10 little girls. When
I picture that scene I see this vile human in the presence of
innocence. I see pure darkness in him and around him. I can see
demons whispering taunts in his ear. 'Do it!' 'You're worthless!'
'Kill them!' 'Coward!' I can see a cloud of fire circling above that
schoolhouse as a battle in the spirit world takes place. Forces bent
on causing death, destruction and ultimate fear are everywhere. They
are rejoicing that this weak, little man is now in their clutches and
is about to terrorize and destroy 10 little angels. They see victory.
It is the ultimate picture of evil tormenting good.

Then something happens. In the midst of total fear and evil; of
darkness and sexual perversion, one of the angels speaks. Knowing now
what the intentions are of this little man, she says something that
will forever change me; and if it doesn't than I am truly
unchangeable. She looks evil in the eye and says without hesitation,
"Shoot me first." Shoot me first? What? This from the lips of a 13
year old angel? Surely see will beg for her life. Surely she will
offer the man whatever he wants just so she can live. What about her
parents and friends? What about all her dreams of making it in this
world. She has so much to live for. Fight! Run! But.... 'Shoot me
first'.

This causes evil to recoil a bit. There seems to be no panic among the
angels. This can't be. How can this be? She doesn't know what she's
saying. Any minute they will all be screaming to live. But then
there's another voice. 'Shoot me second'. The screech of every evil
principality can be heard. 'NO!' Yet another angel, one only 8 years
old has offered herself to the little man. It seems that evil has once
again underestimated true faith. It seems that evil has never
understood those who are true in their faith and in the comfort that
Jesus gives them. These two girls were willing to be shot first and
then second as to buy just a bit more time for the others. And shot
they were. Defeated? Destroyed? I think not. I think God knows that
those little angels showed more faith and courage than any preacher
I've seen on TV lately.

You would think that anyone rational would be so moved at this display
of faith and sacrifice that they would instantly put down their weapon
and repent. But not the little man. No, he proceeded to shoot all 10
girls. Then the little man said, 'Pray for me' and shot himself to
complete
his ultimate act of cowardliness. Would it be that I get one day off
my life to be
able to go into the pits of hell and deal angry blows to this little
man. Vengeance. Justice. To harm the hair on one of these little
angels..... Oh to see him punished

The God raises His hand to me and says, 'I got this one'.

But with the first shots fired at the first two girls, it seems that he
wasn't able to have the time to 'make sure' all the girls were dead by
the time to police began to break through the windows. Did their act
of faith and sacrifice save some of the others? I believe it did.
"Shoot me first"... I'll never forget those words.

I have come now to fully realize just how false my faith is. I would
scowl at anyone that would dare call me a follower of Christ.
Everything in my actions on a daily basis says nothing of my faith but
simply that I am as nominal as they come. I don't raise my children to
have this sort of courage in Christ. In many ways I weep because I
feel like I'm partly to blame for what led to the little man killing
these angels. I support violence by what I watch. I support sexual
perversion by what I watch. I support despair because I do nothing to
encourage those around me. In many ways, I am the shooter.... we all
are. I am a little man.

How long will we be ok with this? How long will we be fine with the
fact that our faith means nothing to anyone, not even to us? You see,
I believe that I could change lives. I think God has gifted me in
areas of ministry and yet I would rather make more money to buy more
crap and have more bills. You see the Amish are so close to what I
think we are supposed to actually be like. They truly live in the
world but they are not of the world. Do you know that they invited the
little man's family to the funerals of the girls as a way of saying,
'we love you. You are our family and we forgive you'. Do you know
that they went to the parents of the little man and stayed for an hour
and held them as they said, 'we forgive all'. Are you serious? Never
again will anyone mock the Amish in my presence. They are the real
deal and those like me are the lukewarm church that will be spewed out
by God.

As I sat on the train tonight I wept. I had to hide my face from my
engineer because I was just too overwhelmed. As I listened to a song
by Keith Green called 'Your love broke through' , I was having a
'dream-like' sequence with God. In my dream I was running and yelling
to God:

"How long will you search for me God? How long will you look for me in
the muck and the mire? With every choice of road, I leave the straight
and narrow and go my own way. Here I am, I am in the swamps of life.
Can you even see me for my filth? Have I not even the faith of a child
that you would even acknowledge me? Am I truly too far gone; too far
lost? Oh God what will it take for you to find me again? Why is the
world so defeating me and all around me? Are we all too far gone?
Have you left us to evil?"

The Lord says with thundering calm, "Geoff, I am right here. I need
not find you, because I have never left you. Run as you might, stumble
though you may, you will never be out of my reach. Come what may, I
am. Go where you may, I am. Hide though you may, I am. I am.... I
am. Never will I leave you or forsake you. All you have to do is have
faith. The faith of a child."

I don't know what becomes of emotions like mine. I don't know what
choices and decisions I will make. Will anything change? How hard
will it be? Can I do it? No, I can't. Only God can.

'Shoot me first'.

Here's a link to Keith Green's song, Your love broke through

http://www.kstarheel.com/green.html

What have I then?

While working a couple of trains the last two days, I was paired up with a young engineer that after recently divorcing his wife was now single. He seems like a good enough guy and is what I would call a 'country boy'. The first few miles of our run on the first day were very uneventful. We passed the time talking about Unions, contracts, other employees, etc. As we talked I noticed he was receiving a lot of text messages. He was trying to talk to me and also reply to the 'senders' of said messages. I inquired of him, 'who are texting?'. I really wished soon after that I would have just let it go without any questions asked for he proceeded to tell me all about these various girls that he was dating. There was the gal in Wichita (he finished all her calls with 'I love you too'), there was the gal in Kansas City and there seemed to be a neighbor gal involved that wasn't texting but he was receiving phone calls from other of our fellow employees asking if he had scored with her yet. I listened to this for some time; all while trying to read my CS Lewis book about the writings of George MacDonald. That's kind of like trying to eat a steak while the guy next to you is puking up his beer.

Finally, he ended his bragging session with a descriptioin of all the 'fun he has' (wink, wink) and with the declaration that 'I never got to do stuff like that when I was married. Bet you don't get to have that kind of fun do you married man? Are you happy being married?'

I wanted to answer him with a long answer. My mind proceeded with the following thoughts almost word for word:

"I have this white skinned beauty who is not only beautiful in the external but contains more inward beauty than anyone I've ever known. She laughs at my jokes, tolerates my rants, fixes awesome meals, takes care of our house, never complains whether we have money or not--has stuck with me in our worst times and been the cause of our best times. She cares for my two most precious treasures on earth, one is eight, the other is three. Whatever good they are is simply because of how good she is. She guards over them, teaches them, plays with them, encourages them, disciplines them and most of all laughs with them and prays for them.

When we are sick she comforts us, she medicates us, she cleans the sheets and towels, she brushes our hair and kisses our foreheads. She is both lover and friend. Both confidant and soldier. There is never a day come rain or shine when she doesn't warm us with a smile or soft word. She is a friend to all and enemy of none. She is creative and dazzles me with her eyes. If I was half the person she was, I'd be well on my way to being 'good'. Yeah, my lady is true. She is my rock and my lighthouse when all around me is rough and stormy. And she loves..... me'. I love 'er. Always have, always will.

I'm like any married man, I make some complaints. I'm not easy to live with. I have silly fantasies which disrespect her and I often think of the grass on the other side. But after thinking all that all I could say was, 'Yeah, I'm pretty darn happy'.

I'm blessed. So are you men of Troy. Now, go hug your wives.

What would you do?

Recently two FOX news employees, reporter Steve Centanni andcameraman, Olaf Wiig were kidnapped on the Gaza strip as they reported on the plight of the Palestinians and some bombings that recently took place. Thankfully, early Sunday morning they were released. Here's the story via foxnews.com

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip — Two FOX News journalists were released by their kidnappers Sunday, nearly two weeks after they were taken hostage in the Gaza Strip.

Steve Centanni, 60, and Olaf Wiig, 36, left Gaza and have since crossed into Israel after their release. The men left Gaza through the Erez border crossing.

The freeing of Centanni, a correspondent, and Wiig, a cameraman, ends the longest-running drama involving foreign hostages in Gaza.
The two journalists were dropped off at Gaza City's Beach Hotel by Palestinian security officials and appeared to be in good health. A tearful Centanni embraced a Palestinian journalist briefly as he entered, then rushed upstairs as Wiig followed.
Centanni, in a phone interview shortly after his release, said "I'm fine. I'm just so happy to be free."
He said he was so emotional because he was out and alive.
"There were times when I thought 'I'm dead,' and I'm not," Centanni said. "I'm fine. I'm so very happy."
He recounted how he and Wiig were pulled out of their car on August 14 and taken at gunpoint into another car. The kidnappers blindfolded them and handcuffed their hands behind their backs with plastic ties. They were then transferred to another car and driven to a building that they later learned was a garage.
"We were pushed down onto the dirt-covered concrete floor and we were forced to lie face down with our handcuffs on," Centanni said.
"Olaf was in the same room with me. Our shoulders were wrenched back, very painful."

Both of the men were forced to convert to Islam at gunpoint, Centanni said. (the highlight is mine)

"We were forced to convert to Islam at gunpoint," Centanni told FOX News. "Don't get me wrong here. I have the highest respect for Islam, and I learned a lot of good things about it, but it was something we felt we had to do because they had the guns, and we didn't know what the hell was going on."
Centanni's brother, Ken, spoke to FOX News directly after the news was released.
"It's just a tremendous amount of relief, overwhelming relief," he said.
Later Sunday, Centanni and Wiig appeared before reporters, then traveled to the Erez crossing into Israel to leave Gaza.
"I want to thank everybody. I am happy to be here. I hope that this never scares a single journalist away from coming to Gaza to cover the story because the
Palestinian people are very beautiful and kind hearted," Centanni told reporters. "The world needs to know more about them. Don't be discouraged."
Wiig also said he was worried that the kidnapping would scare off reporters.

"My biggest concern really is that as a result of what happened to us foreign journalists will be discouraged from coming to tell the story and that would be a great tragedy for the people of Palestine," Wiig said. "You guys need us on the streets, and you need people to be aware of the story."

Wiig's wife, Anita McNaught, thanked Palestinian officials and FOX News for their efforts in getting the men released. The men refused to take questions.

My thoughts:

Please do not mistake me for some 'at-home-Rambo'. I have no idea what these two men went through and I have no idea where their hearts are in relation to anything resembling an organized religion; more specifically in relation to their feelings about Christ. I don't know what exactly I would do if I were in their shoes and I would be less than honest if I didn't tell you that I hope I'm never in their shoes. . I do know this: the day may come, the Bible seems to suggest it WILL come, when all Christians may well be in this very position. I don't know if it will be militant Islam doing the 'converting' or a religion that doesn't exist yet, but you may very well find yourself in the position of having to choose life over your faith. Some may say that 'well, it doesn't matter what you say, God will know your heart' and you may be right. But I do believe that the PUBLIC acknowledgment of a faith in Christ is seen by God as an awesome and essential thing.


Romans 10: 8-9 says it this way:
...That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord', and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

2 Timothy 1: 8-9 says:
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life....

My wife and I were talking about this and neither one of us could imagine what we would do if someone had a knife to either or both of our boys' throats saying that if we didn't convert to such-n-such, they would kill our kids. I do know that it's at least considering ahead of time what to do and how to handle it. You may say, 'we don't live in that kind of time yet', and I hope you're right. But I know that on September 11, 2001 when Konnie called me and told me what was happening I said, 'no way'. I hope I never see the day that any of us would be faced with such a choice as these two fine men. But if so I hope that I will remember the words of Jesus.

Matthew 10:32-33:
Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.

I can't seem to acknowledge my faith in the most mundane circumstances. In some ways, it would be sad if it took a gun to my head for me to confess to the truth in which I believe. At times I'm shy about telling 'the world' that I went to a Bible College. I'm fearful to reveal to them that I actually have a 'Youth Ministry' degree with a minor in Bible Theology. I'm not sure of how they'll feel about me if they know that CS Lewis is my favorite author or that I have 'GASP' seen Sandi Patti in concert. Here in front of my computer I can babble on about Godly things and thoughts and feel safe that no one will give me instant judgment or criticism. But to actually verbally 'confess' with my foul mouth that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ is well, just not very comfortable. Please don't give me credit for 'being honest' or 'real'. I've grown tired of myself frankly. Why just tonight I wanted to beat up a 60 year old van driver because he got lippy with me and my engineer. Nice. That would go well on the 'ways you show Christ to others' list.

So what would I do? I think I would fight. I just couldn't help myself. I would say, 'I believe in Jesus you worthless piece of camel dung and I'm willing to fight you over it.' Pretty sure that's not what God had in mind. But before I decide on how I react to some crazy Jihadist, I might want to work on how I react to a cranky, old van driver that said something he shouldn't have. I'm telling ya folks, this dance is getting old. I'm getting to the point where I'm either going to be a man of God, or I'm going to shut up about the whole matter. Like I've said, I'm a 'glass-half-empty' guy and I'm not sure that the current version of me is very usable to God. I know the past version sure wasn't. The question is, 'can we really change?'. I would like to think so and I've seen people do it. But I'm this spoiled little brat of a Christian that truly doesn't get it. I like to think I am of use, even if it's just blogging, but I often wonder if I'm just 'a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal'. (I Cor. 13:1) I read Lewis and MacDonald and somehow thing that I will enter the next room with my 'Super Christian' cape ready to foil the plots of evil men. What I actually do is enter the next room and start complaining about my job, my bills, my inability to get into size 36 jeans anymore and so forth.

Yeah, I'll confess that I believe in Christ, but you'll have to put a gun to my head.

God's Will

This summer I had to deal with a question that all Christians face not just once in awhile, but almost daily. It's a question that has been so oft asked that it now runs the risk of almost falling into the category of 'milk or sugar?'. Konnie and I made the decision last spring that we would once again try and sell our houses and move from Pratt to somewhere closer to Wichita, where I have worked for the past 8 years. It seems like the decision should have been very easy when one considers that I have been driving about 166 miles round trip for 5-6 days a week for the past 5 years. My car, a 2004 VW Jetta, racked up an impressive 72,000 miles since May of '04. Added to the mix is the greed of oil execs around the globe (ok, maybe it's just the fair market system), and I was paying another house payment in gas. So, you would think on the surface that it was obvious that we should move.

But on closer inspection you would find the following details in the 'pro-Pratt' position:
1. It is the life long home of my wife.
2. My oldest son, Kaden, loved his school.
3. We lived right across the street from a park
4. We have great friends in the town and nearby
5. Small town living ain't so bad these days
6. The local Chinese Buffet is smokin' good

I'm a glass-half-empty kind of guy. I don't know why I'm this way, but I'm pretty convinced that any decision I make is going to explode all over me and lead me to the conclusion that once again, 'I blew it'. I started wondering in all of this, 'what is God's will for me in the move? Does He want me to stay or should we move closer to Wichita? Maybe I should quit the Railroad and go back into ministry' (Once can pause at this moment and question me as to why I can't minister on the Railroad and you would have not only asked a valid question but exposed the flaw in 'ministry as a career').

One night I was at my friend Seth Roe's house. It was late and I was getting ready to leave. We were standing in his driveway under a beautiful starry sky pondering the things of God. You tend to ponder 'things of God' when you take some time to realize just how awesome his creation is. I began to talk with Seth about my quandary and something hit me. In asking God what is it that He would have me do, I got a funny answer. I could almost hear Him saying, 'What's it matter?'. Huh? 'You mean that I have free reign to do as I please?', I wondered aloud. God answers back, 'What do I care if you live in Pratt, Wichita, North Carolina, Kenya or Goddard, KS?' I felt a little 'put off' by the Big Guy. I mean how does He say 'What do I care?' Of course God is supposed to care. 'You're supposed to care God, that 's what you do'. God rephrases His point as it becomes obvious to him that I'm as bright as a 40 watt bulb and I don't read enough. 'What I mean is this; if I don't have your heart, your mind, your soul, your dreams, your loves, your sadness, your body, your time, your family, your money, your talents, your desires, and so on, what does it matter to Me where you live? Geoff, until I have you, it matters not where you are or what you are doing. We'll make the best use of it, no doubt, but what my will really is, is to Have You!'

I think we all do this. We are so consumed with what we are doing in life and where we live and what we have or don't have, who our friends are or are not, where we go to school, what church we attend, etc. that we have lost the bigger point about 'God's Will'. I heard a great story about Mother Teresa and the funny thing is, I can't remember it as I type this. (These are real time blogs people, nothing is researched) :-) But I think it was basically like this.
A man went to work with MT (As I always called her) and she asked the young man how should she pray for him. He said, 'That I am doing God's Will by being here'. She said, 'Heavens no I won't pray that'. 'Why not', the man asked puzzled by her answer. 'Look at this place. Do you think I hope it's God's Will for me that I am here? Perhaps His will is that I'm somewhere even worse. What I pray is that God will use me wherever I am.'

I'm sure I butchered that story, but this version works as well.
We moved to Goddard and sold one of our two houses and are in the process of trying to sell the other. I didn't quit the Railroad and I'm not preaching anywhere but in this blog. I don't know if this is where I should be, but I do know that until I'm God's Man, it doesn't matter. My goal it to be 'God's Man' in Goddard, KS and we'll see the results of that when it happens. You may not be where you think you are supposed to be, but if God doesn't own all of you, what's it matter? God's will, I think, is really much simpler than the theologians an authors have stated. I think every time you read, 'Love your neighbors', you are reading God's will for your life. Every time you see the words, '..do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than clothes?' you are seeing God's will. When you read James speaking of 'true religion being that which helps the widows and orphans', you are reading God's will for your church. I know that what I try to do is to make things so complicated that it removes the pressure on me to make a choice. If the choice is too hard, then I shouldn't have to feel bad that I couldn't get it done. I no longer have that excuse when it comes to 'God's Will'. It's really very simple. I'm either all His or I'm not. I'm either trying to live a better life in accordance to his Will, or I'm not. I either share Christ with others at work, or I don't. I either lead my household spiritually, or I decide to remain obsequious to my own desires. This is the path of knowing 'God's Will'. So before you ask Him what his will is about a matter, you should first check and see if you are His first. Because until that question can be answered in the affirmative you may find He will answer you the way He did me: 'What's it matter?'

Illegal Congregation?

I was watching the news the other night and the hot topic of the day, illegal immigration, was up to bat. Most of the commentators on that night were screaming and hollering that our border security is a joke and something must be done about it 'right now!'. We have over 11 million illegals in the US currently and there is no plan to make them 'lega'l without stepping on the toes of others that are currently waiting in line and going about coming to this county through the proper channels (you know, like the 19 hijackers did). It seems that the current firestorm is really pretty simple: We have a great country, a land of opportunity. Those from countries without much hope for progress in the near future , i.e. jobs and education, are wanting to get here quickly and see if they can make it. Now, however, their feeling have been hurt because the President, who speaks better Spanish than English, and the Congress, who never saw a vote they wouldn't bow to, want to tighten the border and make things a little more orderly. The 'problem' of illegal immigration is found in several issues.

* One, they are taking up jobs and allowing employers to pay less money than they otherwise would if say, Unions were involved.
* Two, there is the chance that people that want to do us harm could just walk across the border and commence to the harm-doing.
* Three, our taxes are paying for the education and health care of these illegals and by golly, we can't be wasting tax dollars on.... people.

Now I understand the desire for people to feel safe. I was all for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I don't know if I was right, but what's done is done. I also understand the need for order and for things to go through the proper channels. I mean we all love doing our taxes because it's so easy and uncomplicated. Plus, it is a bit annoying that when I'm trying to read the directions for the latest, 'I don't need that' gadget that I've purchased, I don't like having to shuffle through the five languages that are provided just hoping English has been included among them. I also don't like people protesting and waving the flag of the country they risked their lives fleeing from while they complain about the one they fled to illegally. Not sure that elevator's reaching the top floor for me. So, I guess I'm for reform because our government really gets with the program when they reform things and it makes life better for all of us. *Cough*

I don't have the answers for this problem ( I think all the people on Fox and CNN do), but I do have some thoughts. Let's bring Church and State back together for the moment. I think the Church acts just like the State when it comes to 'illegals' coming in from the outside and braving the light of day to darken our church doors. A friend of mine asked me recently, 'Who is church for?' I thought the question was profound so I engaged in some discourse about the matter. We agreed that most of the time, Church is for those who go to church... you know who you are. We learn about things that will make us better Church goers, better tithers, better song leaders, better tellers of funny Bible Stories, etc. But I don't know if any of the Churches I attend are for smokers, drinkers, porn addicts, cursers, divorcees, homeless or just otherwise dirty, nasty and not-pleasant-to-be-around-when-among-friends type of people. You see, I think when people like that show up and are found out they become 'Illegal Congregates' (is that even a word... spell check says no). They didn't apply to come. They weren't properly screened. They haven't attended the 'How to be a good ________ (fill in the denomination) class. But more over they now want their problems to become our problems. We might actually have to deal with things like pornography, cursing, drinking and other 'straight-to-hell' activities. We wouldn't be able to talk about how great we are without having these miscreants bothering about with 'real world issues'. Didn't Jesus say we were all 'Aliens in a strange land'? And what does James have to say about such snobbery?

James 2: 1-13
"1My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
5Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?
8If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself,"[a] you are doing right. 9But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. 10For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. 11For he who said, "Do not commit adultery,"[b] also said, "Do not murder."[c] If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker.
12Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, 13because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!"

Yet another oldy but a goody is James 1: 27

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Maybe the problem is that there should be different churches for different needs. Maybe instead of Baptist, Quaker, Methodist, Mennonite, Nazarene, etc. we should really have, Bi-polar, Drinkers, Cussers, Homeless, Widows, Orphans (what would they do during children's church? Hmmm), etc. Or maybe we should be united in these three things: Love God, Fellowship with Brothers (and sisters) and Make Disciples of Christ. I'm not sure we're ready for that kind of reform. I'm not trying to judge because I could easily quote Paul and say, 'I am the worst of sinners!'. At times, I think it might be true so the high horse I'm riding in on is actually a small pony and frankly he thinks I'm fat and wants me off. Let's just be careful about how we separate Church from State. If we really think the Church is different then by all means would it kill us to act that way?

Some words to the wise from the unwise: Pastors, pick it up a notch.... I can sleep at home. Greeters, look for the ugly people and treat them like a long lost friend. Ushers, smile at everyone whether they put money in or not. Musicians, play louder! Stewards, relaaaaaaaax, He owns 'the cattle on a thousand hills' and if the church is in good standing with the Lord, have some faith and make the best of what you have and wait for the rest.... it's coming. Attendees, quit waiting for 'the paid people' to minister. Be nice to each other and welcome all who are brave enough to enter 'your space'. There should be plenty of room for everyone. Look at Wyoming for crying out loud. Besides if sinners can't come to Church what are you going to do this Sunday?

Four guaranteed ways to F.A.I.L

I recently had to give a speech to my alma mater, Barclay College. It was at the athletics banquet and the speech was to be part my athletic life and memories at the college and partly a motivational speech for the current students. As I started thinking about what to say, I began to look back on my athletic career with a bit of bitterness. I think I was the type of athlete that could play about anything, but never dominate one thing. I was a good shooter in basketball, a great hitter in baseball, a good defender in soccer, an average tennis player and a sometimes good golfer. But it seemed that I always came up short of personal goals and team goals once I got into college. I had some nice moments in all sports, but I never was a part of a Championship season. Our basketball team was talented, but we had a lot of egos (and one very talented guy that scored all the points) and never really got our act together when it came tournament time. Soccer was fun for me because the expectations were low, until my Senior year when we made it to the Championship game only to lose to a team we had beaten twice already. I think something happened in me (long story and too much to spend in therapy to go into it) that basically sentenced me to 'failing' and falling short during those years. The something I speak of is present in everything I do. So, instead of giving a speech about 5 ways to succeed or 10 ways to make it big in life, I decided that I would share with the 'yutes' Four stone-locked ways to F.A.I.L. I was, at one time or another, guilty of having all 4 of the qualities and behaviors listed. I now am at a point in life where I think these 4 factors still play a heavy roll in how I function on a daily, weekly , yearly basis. I don't think the potential for greatness ever leaves us. I do think that more we fall into the patterns of 'F.A.I.L.ing', the harder it becomes to achieve our goals or to even bother setting goals. What I've written is pretty much how the speech went, but you won't get the ad-libs. I wasn't that funny anyway. ;-) See if you struggle with any or all 4 of these qualities and then join me as we try and overcome the weight of always thinking we aren't good enough and making sure we do things to justify that conclusion. It's a factor in sports, marriage, parenting, ministry or even just getting out of bed. I've changed a little of the content, but it's pretty much how it was given. I hope it motivates you NOT to F.A.I.L.

______________________________________

How you handle things in college whether it's sports or academics or your social life, will have much to say about how your 'adult life' will go. As I was thinking about my past in sports, it was funny how much of that bled over to my later years. I began to notice a pattern that was present when things haven't gone well. You would normally hear a speech on 5 ways to make it in sports, or 10 ways to be successful, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with my life, but when I struggle I do FOUR things that seal FAILURE. That's what I'm going to share with you: 4 ways to guarantee failure not just in sports but in your marriage, your ministry, your job, etc.

F = Fear

The great Jedi Master Yoda said, 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark Side'. Yoda is real by the way, my 2 year old said so.
You've heard FDR say, 'there is nothing to fear, but fear itself'. Well, I agree but I do think that's a bit simple. There are many things to Fear in sports, life, ministry, and yes, even marriage. There's peer pressure, there's results, there's criticism, there's poverty, there's sickness....popularity.

HOW DO I LOOK? I'm wearing black and dying my hair blond for a reason folks and it isn't because I'm comfortable with the age thing. (I dyed my hair blond and wore all black for the speech). ONE thing will guarantee failure and that is 'the fear of failure'. I developed a fear of being the reason we would lose a game in basketball. If you only shoot 3 or 4 times a game, you can't miss that many. There were many times that my team and coach needed me to shoot the ball more, but I usually didn't. I think the most shots I ever took in a game at Barclay was 9. I was a 3 year starter and captain for 3 years and I could only muster the courage to take 9 shots. To this day that makes me ill. I wasn't a bad shooter. In fact, I would usually win our team's 3 point contest. I would regularly light in up in pick up games. But when the game mattered, I didn't want it to be my fault if I missed. In 'fearing to fail', I failed the team and myself. It wasn't all bad. I had some good moments and even managed to score 15 points a few times. But for the most part, I didn't do what the team needed.
How do we cope with this? Well, Psalm 34:4 has something to say: I sought the Lord: He heard me and delivered me from all my fears.There is nothing to fear about failing. Henry Ford said, 'Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently'.Fear of failing took over many times in my sports life... I look back now and wonder, 'what was I afraid of exactly?'

A= Attitude

Here's a couple of quotes about attitude I found enlightening:

"What a man thinks of himself determines his fate" and "Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it"

I had a attitude problem, ok, I still have an attitude problem. I was very competitive and hated criticism. I wasn't always the best guy to coach, especially early on in High School and College. My freshman year was such an emotional mess that I wound up quitting the basketball team.... TWICE! Oh to have those choices back. You only get one shot at this time in life and like I said, I have many wonderful memories, but so many regrets as well. Technical fouls and Yellow cards were pretty standard for me..... what a silly way to spend what little time you have playing a game. Believe it or not you won't play pro ball and you will have only one shot at this. Don't embarrass yourself along the way. To this day I get waaaaay to worked up over sports. Sports is more about being relieved that my team didn't lose than being glad they won. Watching a UNC basketball game with me is an educational exercise on the mentally insane. If I watched a tape of me yelling at the umps at the Wichita State baseball games, I am sure I would feel silly. Competition isn't a bad thing, but the pride we bring to it is. Do you realize that most teams lose to end their season? Michael Jordan barely made 1/2 of his shots. A good baseball player only gets a hit 30% of the time and yet those of us with poor attitudes think that things should always go perfect. When they don't we melt down and make the children flee the living room. Confidence is great, arrogance is not. Always looking for conflict is not a healthy way of living, just ask my boy Dubya. It won't make you any friends. Neither will being difficult to deal with. You know some of the most obnoxious, hard-to-work-with-people I've ever known were fellow youth pastors back in the day when I did such things. You talk about hard to work with. It was frightening and sad. Saying you are a person of God, isn't a blank check for walking all over those around you. Read the red letters in your Bible; it's all about humility.


I= Ignorance

Making poor choices. There are a lot of bad choices that bring down a sports career, a ministry, a marriage, etc. Most of those bad choices are wrapped up in thinking that you are more important than everyone around you. Some of those bad choices come from thinking that you are indestructible.... you aren't. Don Herald said, 'It takes a lot to prove you're smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant."

To say you will make bad choices is like saying that you will get up everyday. What are some bad choices you may make?: You are going to choose a relationship that you maybe shouldn't. You are going to choose to drink or take something you shouldn't. You are going to choose to cheat when you shouldn't. You are going to opt for a lie, when the truth is too painful. You will put yourself above those around you. The most important aspect of 'Team' is the fact that you are willing to do whatever you have to do for the success of the team, within the confines of good sportsmanship and morality. It's the key to a ministry, the key to a marriage, the key to parenting.

I will never forget Len Bias. Bias was an all-american basketball player for the University of Maryland in the mid 80's. Even though I was a Tar Heel fan, I loved watching Len Bias play basketball. He was 6 foot 7 and had the body of a Greek God. I remember him scoring 36 points at UNC one night to beat my beloved Heels. I was working at Greensboro College the summer after Bias decided to go pro. He was picked 2nd in the NBA draft and was headed to the Boston Celtics. I couldn't wait for the Jordan vs Bias matchups. Then, while we were working, I heard the news on the radio that Len Bias had died of a drug overdose. I sat there stunned. I cried even. So much talent, so much promise, such an awful choice. That will live with me forever.

Making ignorant choices are a part of life; recovering from them and learning are a part of success. I quit playing baseball in the 11th grade after I had already been told that I could possibly play in college if I would just work a bit harder. I thought I was above playing for my High School coach, so I quit. Nice move. As I mentioned earlier, I liked a girl my freshman year at Barclay (the Friends Bible College), she liked someone else. I holed up in my dorm room and listened to lots of Van Halen and quit the basketball team. Another banner moment. It may not seem fair that you can undo a lifetime of good with one bad choice, but that is just the way it is. I'm sure Eve thought, 'it's just a freaking apple'. Well, she probably didn't say freaking.

L= Laziness

I heard two sports guys going at it the other day on ESPN because one guy said that some guys are just born better than others. The other gentlemen said, 'no, most great athletes are great because they outwork everyone else.' I have to agree with the latter. As much of a good shooter as I thought I was at one time or that I could be, I NEVER shot 500 jump shots a day for a summer. I NEVER dribbled the ball for hours trying to get a better left hand. Musically, I started playing guitar when I was 12 and my teacher said I was a natural. I was playing 'Stairway to Heaven' and 'Sweet Home Alabama' just weeks after starting. I remember him telling me that I had the potential to really do some great playing some day if I was just play 4-5 hours a day. He even formed a 'boy band' with some of his sons' friends and we played in a barn for hours. I will always hate 'Sweet Home Alabama'.

Can you guess what I did? I learned the intro to about every Van Halen song, but never the whole song. Why? I had better things to do. I got very lazy about it. I have always been able to pick things up quickly, but never the focus to become great at any one thing. Robert Half said, 'Laziness is the secret ingredient that goes into failure'. CS Lewis said, 'Laziness always means more work in the end'. Amen to that. Daily discipline isn't just a catchy book title, it's also the key to succeeding whether it's in sports, marriage, ministry or anything else. You may want a bigger church, but sitting in your office ain't gonna get it done. You may want run 5 miles, but the 1 mile of Twizzlers you just ate will prevent that run. I wish I could shoot in the 70's in golf, but I golf 4 times a year. We are lazy in our faith as well. The Christian music artist Keith Green (who was killed in a plane crash over 25 years ago) wrote a song that had this line in it: "Jesus rose from the dead, but you, you can't even get out of bed". Ouch.

______________________________


So what do we do? Do we give into failure and the 4 keys to failing or is there another answer? Thomas Edison said, 'Many of life's failures are people who didn't realize how close they were to success when they gave up?' And it's not just in giving up do we fall short. It's giving into fear, attitude, ignorant choices and laziness. What does God offer us? Can we seek him out? Well, I don't believe that you allow God in on some things and shut him out of other things. If you are looking for success in anything then you will only find it with God's help. In the movie FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, the head football coach keeps asking his players a question: Can you be perfect? He wants them to challenge themselves on what they can bring to the team. Well, the Bible says the same thing only with a twist. BE YE PERFECT is our call. But how does that happen? Is it of our doing? Can we really be perfect in sports, life, ministry, marriage, etc? God does more that just 'coach us' on perfection, he takes a much more active role: Here's how CS Lewis puts it:

When He said, 'be perfect', He meant it. He meant that we must go in for the full treatment. It is hard, but the sort of compromise we are all hankering after is harder--in fact, it is impossible. I think He is saying, "The only help I will give is help to become perfect. You may want something less; but I will give you nothing less. Make no mistake, if you let me I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will and if you choose, you can push Me Away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life.....whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect---until My Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He as well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.

You see sports are a great thing I think. But they aren't everything. Even though my dad and I think the world is ending when the Shockers get a bad call, the final score just isn't' that important. They are a part of all that we do in this life that helps to shape and mold us. It isn't about winning and losing, it's about seeing yourself for who you really are. It's about coming together with teammates and going after goals. It's about love, brotherhood and sisterhood. There's more at stake in how you play a game than the final score. If you approach sports or life with Fear, Attitude, Ignorance and Laziness you will spell out how to Fail. But if you open yourself up to something bigger than yourself, if you open yourself up to someone bigger than you and allow Him to have your fears, curve your attitude, lessen your ignorance and shake you from your lazy slumber then the whole world will open up and you will see your way to success. True success is how God sees you. It's not in scoreboards, stat sheets, record books or even how many you have attending your new church. Does my spouse love me? Do my kids trust me? Do I say what I'll do then do what I say? It's question like this that measure success.

There are FOUR ways to Fail.... but really there is only ONE way to succeed and become Perfect. Choose wisely young people. This Merry-Go-Round of life may seem long, but soon you will be 36 years old, 20....OR FORTY pounds overweight..... and looking back instead of looking forward. Give yourself to the Lord and prepare yourself for new possibilities.

McChurches

I've been thinking a lot about McDonalds.

I am in awe that this little burger stand has sold billions of hamburgers. You and I both know that, for the most part, their burgers are not really very good when compared to all the other boy and girl burgers. They aren't always very warm. The fact that the cow that donated that part of itself was killed months ago is bothersome. If you like pickles, I dare you to try and get a pickle taste in each bite. I remember as a child we went to a McDonald's and my dad was annoyed with the amount of 'pickleage'. One of the pimply faced teenagers working at this particular location in Greensboro, NC, was out on the main floor sweeping up all the scraps from the days feasting. As he swept, my dad noticed a pickle on the floor and asked the kid if he could have that pickle since they couldn't find it in their hearts to put one on his burger. Ahhhhhh, now those are memories you hang on to. :-)

So what's the deal? Why do we flock to McDonald's by the billions and make sure that it becomes the key remedy to cure a crying child in a mini-van? Well, it's obvious isn't it? McDonalds has several things that give it mass appeal: 1) it's cheap 2) they have been around for most of our lifetimes 3) they put toys in the food 4) and an addictive chemical in their fries that make you crave for it nightly and finally, 5) a big, shiny 'M' that dominates the highway. Sure, they could make a better product and with millions dying every year of 'largeness' they are even offering salads now. But for the most part, they are simply giving us what we want and what we think we deserve.

I'm starting to frown on 'mega-churches'. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's as easy as saying because I don't go to one. I just don't get the appeal of a 5,000 member church. I have always felt that the key to a great church was 'community'. It's great to attend somewhere and have people their that know your name, your likes, dislikes and even your baggage. I don't see how a church the size of Pratt gives you that. What I think 'most', not all, mega-churches do is they give you a 'McChurch'. It's fast, easy, big signs, lots of toys, 'pretty' staff members, etc. What they don't seem to give you is substance in your daily spiritual diet. There isn't a lot of meat in their meat, if you get my meaning. The whole goal seems to be to be able to add to the tote board: Over 6 Billion attending. By telling you how pretty you are and how wealthy you can be, they pull you in by the thousands.

Why is it that the goal of a small church is to get bigger? I know the goal SHOULD be to win more people to Christ, but why must those new converts attend your church? Shouldn't the tote board read: Over 6 Billion Saved!? I think so. Every time I read a story of someone that started a church of 50 and now it has over 5,000 attending, I always think, 'how sad'. I'm not the most social person in the world so if I'm worshiping with 50 people in my community and 5,000 show up the next week, I'm leaving like Donald Trumps next wife.
I'm not saying I'm right... I'm just not into the 'watch us grow' theology of church planting. How bout 'watch us sow'.

In the 80's, one of my favorite shows was Cheers. I know, it's set in a bar where people drink and apparently drinkers all go to hell, or something like that, I may be off in the translation of said verse. But what was it that was so great about that show?
For one thing, they had community. When a certain large man walked in everyday, what was said? "NORM!". It had Cliff Claven (sp?)the mail-man, jack of all trades, and knower of all things. Woody, the innocent, naive kid from Indiana. Carla, the loyal wife, loving mother who absolutely told you what she thought. Sam, the 'wanna-be' a teenager for life, former ball player, ladies man, bartender. The key to the show was in the theme song:

'You wanna go where everybody knows your name'. Amen to that.

Think about Jesus and his choices for ministry. There was really nothing mega about them when you think about it. He preached to multitudes, but usually ones that followed Him somewhere outside of town. Mostly he was seen in Taverns, houses, street corners, poor neighborhoods, 'sinners' houses, etc. About the only time he went into the 'mega church' of the day was to shake them up and scold them about the widows and orphans that weren't being cared for... Or to hammer them for the greed they had brought into the house of God (yeah, bigger sometimes just means greedier).

I'm not saying you shouldn't go to 'The Church of a Thousand Lakes', but I'm just saying that I don't want to go. I think there is a place for small churches. I think there's a place for cell churches, churches in homes, churches in the park and even churches in the bar. It's really about one thing: Community. A Community that loves people in Christ and for Christ. Who's to say you can't lead someone to the Lord and then let them attend a different church that feeds them well?

I will now admit that I have been convicted about something. In my pompousness of telling you what church should be, I will say that I go to church about once every 2 months. I would like to say it's because of my Railroad schedule, but we've lied enough for one night. No, I'm bitter about some things from the past and I haven't found a 'Community' that I like. When I go to church, it usually isn't fun. It's stressful to get everyone ready and fed on time. (What's the deal with being there so early all about?)I usually am too critical of things like the music or the preaching. There is always one guy or lady that HAS to speak every week and they usually cry. I shouldn't be annoyed by that, but I am. Why so sad, I wonder?

Donald Miller writes in his book 'Blue Like Jazz' that there is a way to go to church without getting angry. Here are his 3 keys:

* Pray that God will show you a church filled with people who share your interests and values.

* Go to the church God shows you.

* Don't hold grudges against any other churches. God loves those churches almost as much as He loves yours.

I need to find a church, a community. My friends and I have talked about starting a Community based cell church. Sounds good. I would love that. It's funny, I want to share Christ with people but I don't necessarily want to go to church with them. That's probably wrong, but you know what I'm talking about don't you? 'McChurches' are filled with people that I think are great people; better than me in fact. But I wouldn't feel community with them. I like small groups and intimacy. I don't like smoke, lights and lots of really pretty people pretending they are happy. I mean, I'm not happy so how can they be? :-)

Here's to Church, whatever fits your style. Better yet, here's to Community. Here's to loving others regardless of what they look like or where they live. Here's to being in a community of believers that doesn't care what the tote board says about their popularity. Here's to doing something other than singing the same songs, shaking the same hands and hearing the same sermons.

Here's to me getting off my self-righteous butt and going to church. See you Sunday.

The Triangle of Death

Interesting title huh? Whatever could Robinson be talking about now? Well, it's sort of about death, but it's more about how to cope, survive, move on and live.

My wife has recently started watching Grey's Anatomy, airing on Sunday nights. I watch it with her because it has some good writing and she watches so many of my favorite shows. It's really not too bad of a show. I mean, it's 'ER' and 'Desperate Housewives' and it has no Jack Bauer, but I find it entertaining. It is a bit predictable because it's struggling professionals who all want to sleep with each other. Big reach for Hollywood, I know. Side note: How come all these characters in all these shows never figure out that sleeping with someone after one date, never ends well? They always seem so 'heart broken' about the outcome. Anyhoo....

Sunday's show (May 7th) was good and it really got me to thinking about something. The title of the episode was 'Damage Case'. I'll spare you a run down of who's who, but the part of the show that made me pause it and talk to my wife about it was this:
A family (mom, dad, daughter, son-in-law) were all brought in to the emergency room after being hit by a driver that had fallen asleep. Everyone seemed to be in pretty good shape until some major complications developed with the daughter, who was pregnant. She had come in chatting away with her husband, father, mother, etc. but once they started running tests on her they discovered that because her adrenaline had worn off, she was seen to be suffering from catastrophic internal injuries. Every surgeon was called in and they were going to group operate on her.

One doctor worked on her heart, another on her stomach and internal organs, another monitored the baby, the head of surgery for the hospital was also present. The head surgeon said this when they were all frantically working on the girl: "Once she enters the triangle, we all back away.... do we agree?" The triangle turned out to be 'the triangle of death'. Essentially they were going to be putting her battered body through so much, that if they went too far she was assured of death. Once the signs were seen, they were to back away, cover her up (not sew her up) and give her body a chance to work its own healing. The moment occurred when the head of surgery told everyone to back away and though some hesitated, they all did and she was wheeled out of the room.

It was explained to her parents why they were doing this. Her body was so broken that multiple surgeries were taking place at once... she couldn't handle that for long. They were looking at a fine line of waiting too long to go back in and going back in too soon. It was risky and her chances were not very good. With all those people working on her, one of the best solutions for her was to just leave her alone and see what the body itself would do.

I was fascinated by this and it got me to thinking. I think we are all wounded in some way. Some of us have emotional wounds, some physical wounds. Some of us are dying spiritually and some of us are watching marriages struggle. We have issues from the past and heartaches from the present. We seem to always be needed some sort of 'personal surgery' to fix what's wrong with us. Most of us are like the pregnant girl and we are feeling the need to have multiple things worked on at once. But here's my thought:

God created ever aspect of our beings. He is in control, if we let Him, of all that happens to us. It is said that our physical bodies are amazing at what they can recover and heal from on their own. What about our souls or spirits if you like? I tend to think they have that same power to heal. I think we are trying to fix too much stuff at one time and we are entering the 'triangle of death'. We have so many hands and voices on our problems that we aren't allowing God to do what He can do. Have you ever been so out of sorts that you have screamed, 'GOD! Where are you?! Why aren't You helping me?! I sure have. But what if God is simply taking a step back, because if He does too much with too many of your problems, you won't handle it and it would kill you? What if He is allowing your mind, body and spirit the chance to relax and heal?

Recently I've been trying to fix everything about me. That's a lot of stuff. Spiritually I'm not where I should be. Financially, I'm off stride. Physically I am one order of bacon away from being 'large'. Mentally, well.... anyway. I have been reading more books than ever. I've read all of Donald Miller's books, CS Lewis' stuff, 'Wild at Heart' by John Eldrige and so on. I get together with my friends and we talk about what failures we are as husbands, men, fathers... it's great fun.
I think I've reached the point where I feel like the more I try to fix in myself, my world, my friends and so forth, the closer to death I'm getting. Maybe God is telling me that it's time to relax and rest and let Him do what He does so well... Heal.

We all have issues that need to be dealt with. But I think we often get too many things going at once and feel the need to fix all of them RIGHT NOW. You've heard the sayings, 'too many chefs in the kitchen', 'too many irons on the fire', 'too many Duke fans in Kansas', ok, I made that one up. But you get the point. We are so busy trying to fix so much in ourselves and in others that all we are doing is pushing things closer to the 'triangle of death'. It's time to rest.

What if I can't fix my spiritual issues tomorrow or my physical issues, or my financial issues, my 'ministry or railroad' issues, my 'politicians are scum' issues, etc. Maybe it's ok. Maybe my head of Surgery, God, is saying, 'Let him rest. I'll monitor him and I'll know when to open him back up.' They don't call him
'The Great Physician' for nothing you know. ;-) Maybe there's a church out there that wants a passionate pastor that curses a bit. Maybe I'll give my wife a great gift and just being content with where I am. Maybe I'll get smarter with my money. Maybe I'll start helping my friends grow instead of helping them stay where they are. Who knows.... but for now, I need to rest and let myself heal a bit. All together now... BREATHE!!!!

By the way, the girl died, but her baby lived.
That's why I love '24', everyone dies.... Except for Jack Bauer.

April 12, 2006

It's April 12, 2006.
What a beautiful day. My wife and I decided to do some yard work today so I broke out both of our mowers (one electric, the other gas) and starting mowing. After blowing up the electric mower (which I knew would happen) I switched to the gas one and finished up. (Who mows with an electric mower? Honestly) Konnie spent her time spraying weeds. The poor weeds never had a chance really. My wife has read every Martha Stewart gardening issue and it was like the Navy Seals vs the High School ROTC... she just hammered away at them.

April 12, 2006.

After mowing the dirt, I thought I should plant some grass so that next time I might actually get to mow some of the green stuff and not re-enact the dust bowl of the 30's. I went and bought some bags of seed and starting 'sowing'. I pulled out the water hose and began watering my new little friends, preparing them for their future execution. Konnie had finished up and was on the front porch swinging getting a kick out of me watering my leg more than the yard. She mentioned how happy she was. I said, 'you don't want to move do you?'. She said, 'well, I've been walking a lot and I'm tired'. I said, 'I don't mean that. I mean you don't want to leave this house'. She smiled and said, 'I do love this little house'. She's always smiling.

April 12, 2006.

After watering some of the yard and all of my right pant leg, she invited me to join her on the swing. We instantly went into 'old couple' mode and started commenting on the beauty of the day. About then our oldest son Kaden got home from school and as he was getting off the bus, I thought to myself that he is getting so big, so fast. Konnie told Kaden that his little brother Kenyon was over at the park if he wanted to he could go play. Off he went....

April 12, 2006.

As we watched our boys play, we just sat there silently. The wind was just pushing enough air to cool our immediate space and the trees were singing their tune of peace and contentment. I looked over at Konnie and she was just about to get teary when she mentioned how great our kids are and how old they're getting. I nodded in agreement and watched her watch the boys. You could tell she was already envisioning drivers ed, proms, what type of girl they would date, (I just hope they date girls), what college would they go to, etc. So many good days lie ahead.

April 12, 2006.

We often live life ex post facto; everything is in the rear view mirror and we are constantly trying to hit rewind. I know I do. I think things like, 'I wish I would have shot more in basketball', 'I wish I had stuck with baseball', 'I wish I had gone to Wichita State', 'I wish I wouldn't have been such a lousy husband the first time and not much better now', 'I wish I wasn't such an idiot some of the time', 'I wish I would watch my language', 'I wish I had a clue', 'I wish I would practice guitar everyday', 'why am I such a loser', etc, etc, etc.
Then, as the wind was blowing, I felt a voice say, 'Hey, you are talking about someone I love'. I looked up and said, 'Thanks God'.
My boys just played on laughing, running, full of life and confidence that they were going to be taken care of in this life. Such a great thing... family, hope, life.

April 12, 2006.

Later in the day I got called to work. I was hoping to go to the Wichita State baseball game, but the Railroad thought it best that I go sit on a train for 10 hours. I'm not sure why they always think that. It was a long night and when I finally got done I starting driving home very annoyed that it was 3:00am. I started listening to my XM radio and heard stories of death in Iraq, protests from immigrants, gas prices rising, Natalie Holloway still missing and the whole time I'm getting worked up over all of it.
On Iraq I begin to think that Thomas Hobbes was right; people aren't capable of governing themselves. On immigration I began to think, 'why come here illegally to fly the flag of the nation you risked your life to flee from?' On gas prices I think, 'no way do Oil Executives get to go to Heaven'. On Natalie Holloway I think, 'she's dead'. The more the drive went, the worse my mood got. IS THERE NOTHING GOOD GOING ON? Why all the sadness? Everyday it's the same thing from the same people on the same channels. Have we all gone mad? I'll never get these houses sold! I'm sick of my job! Barry Bonds should quit! The house better be clean! I better not be working tomorrow or someone's going to hear about it! Blah, blah, blah, blah... ad nauseum.

Then the announcer comes on and says, 'Good Morning, it's 4:00 April 13th 2006'.

April 13, 2006.

How quickly we forget..... *sigh*.

Let the little children come to me

Today was yet another sad day for my family. In the past 30 years, the Robinson side of my family has seen too many children leave this earth at far too young of ages. Almost 30 years ago, I lost 4 cousins in a car/train accident. A few years later the surviving cousin from that accident was lost due to a heart condition. I've seen 2 of my cousins lose small children, one was but a baby. Today another of my cousins, Steve and his wife Barbie, lost their 2 year old daughter, Sarah. She was involved in an awful drowning accident a few days ago and today she went home to be with the Lord.

"Let the little children come to me"

Recently I have been hammering my way through the Bible. I have renewed my passion for the Word and I have wanted to go through it word by word and fine some meaning to all that is around me. Although I have a minor in 'Bible Theology' there is just so much that I didn't get and still don't. Every time I read God's word something new catches my eye. I'm never sure if I'm reading it the right way or in the right context, but sometimes the words just jump out.
After first hearing about this horrible accident involving this sweet, little girl, I went to the Word. I wanted to find hope for her, I wanted to find the miracle recipe that I felt was there. I read where Jesus said, 'If you have the faith of a Mustard seed you can say to this mountain 'move' and it will move....' "I have that faith Lord, heal Sarah". I read, 'Where 2 or more of you are gathered in my name, I will be there also....' "Lord, there are hundreds praying, heal Sarah". I read, 'for man this impossible, but with God nothing is impossible'. "Lord, they don't give her much chance, heal Sarah". This went on all night. I truly believed that surely in this instance, that for just this one time, God would show Himself and 2 wonderful parents might be spared the pain of losing a child.

"Let the little Children come to me."

As today went on, I kept in contact with my dad. The updates got worse and worse. While little Sarah had fought hard and had shown signs of progress, it was just too much for her body. They were calling the family in to say goodbye. Goodbye....
But why? "Lord, I've read it. I believe it. Now, DO IT!!!" That was my cry. Not again, not another child dying in this family....

"Let the little children come to me."

When I called my dad again later, he told me that Sarah had gone to be with God. The family gathered around and Sarah's lifeless body was placed in her mom's lap so that she could hold her little girl one last time. There aren't enough tears in the world to cover that scene. Even though I was in a van coming back from a train trip, I couldn't hold my own tears in. I heard of Sarah's father Steve, really keeping everyone together. What a great dad he is. Of Barbie holding her little girl with all the love a mom could give... there aren't enough moms like her.

"Let the little children come to me."

At first I didn't want to read my Bible again, I somehow was scared that I would lash out at God. I felt the flickery, fire of anger buring deep in me. Grief soon turns to anger and I didn't want to say and think things that I would regret. But I had to read.... I had to know. Why? What did I miss?

Then I saw it. I had read it several times earlier in the week and it was the first passage I opened to. Matthew 19: 13-15:

"Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them. Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there"

"Let the little children come to me."

I had missed it indeed. I've said before, though it's so hard to understand, that we are not meant for this world. We are meant for something far greater. This isn't the end at all for those that believe in Christ, but merely a 'layover' spot. As I begin to understand just how much Jesus loves children I couldn't help but think of my 2 boys. I don't know that I could ever survive something happening to them. It seems like only yesterday that Kaden was in ICU fighting for his life. But the tighter I hold on to my boys and the more I try and protect them, I still hear the sweet, soft voice of Jesus saying, 'Let the little children come to me'. I can look in Kenyon's eyes and see his mom and I look in Kaden's eyes and see my baby blues, but to look deeper is to see the heart of God. You see, for me to truly love my boys I must give them to the Lord. They're His to watch over and to guide. I must do my part, but in the end they really aren't mine.

Sarah is home with her Heavenly Father. I'm not sure why it happened now and I'm not sure how long any of us have on this earth, but I am steadily becoming convinced of one truth: We have to give everything over to God. We have to give our needs, our wants, our problems, our joys, our smiles, our tears, and yes, even our kids.

May God bless Steve and Barbie and their remaining children. May God grant them peace in what must be the worst of storms. May God help all of us appreciate what time we have together and what time we have with our kids. They are precious little gifts from Heaven and we owe it to their 'Father' to love them and guide them while they are under our care.

I'm gonna go hug those boys now.....

If I were King of Kansas (and the other 49 states)

I don't know that I'd make a very good ruler, but if I were suddenly put in charge, well, some things would have to change. Here's a few looks at my future Kingdom.

1. Folks driving slow in the left lane would be disintegrated with laser beams located on every overpass. Sorry, but I have to get to work!
2. I would issue fines for 'slow' service in the 'fast food' industry. And if you ask me if I want to try your latest and greatest item before I can even read the menu, well, I'm sorry, but you'll have to go.
3. The NBA would no longer be able to steal players from UNC until they have played four years. No really, it's for their education.
4. Child predators would no longer exist in your area.. Why? You harm one child, one time and you will be escorted from this fine country. Ever heard of Cuba? You can be forgiven but you won't live in our neighborhoods. Bye-bye now.
5. Left hand turns, not protected by the bright green arrow, would be illegal. Go around the block and spare us all sitting there waiting for you to hit the gas.
6. Anyone driving a Hummer would have to donate $50,000 to a charity of your choosing.
7. Anyone driving a beat up mini-van, like mine, would be given....... a Hummer. Donation is waived for 'time served'.
8. At the end of the year, all citizens would be given an itemized account of where all your tax money went. And, you would receive a thank you note from me and my staff for the 'all-expenses-paid' business trip we took to Hawaii on your dime. Thanks.
9. All loud and boisterous drunk people will be recorded. That recording will be put on a walkman that will be staple gunned to your head and you will be forced to listen to your loud self until a) you repent or b) you beat yourself up.
10. Not sure how to pull this one off, but eventually the Road construction in Kansas has to STOP for at least one summer. I know the State Animal is that little, orange barrel, but really, the herd should be thinned.
11. The Kansas City Royals will be sold to Quam and never allowed to play in the States again and forbidden to call themselves a Major League Team.
12. Evolution will be taught.... to monkeys. Because even they think it's humorous and every ape needs a good laugh. If you want to argue Creationism then go to it's 'Creator' and bicker with Him. Personally, I'm buying what He's selling.
13. Trains would no longer block intersections that you wish to cross through. And you will quit yelling at us when we do. :-) I mean really, do I come to your place of work, try to cross through and start yelling at you because you are working where I'm wanting to go? I know we railroaders are a crossing nightmare, but here's the good news.... we get stopped too.
14. Gas prices will forever be $1.23 a gallon. Why that number? I have no idea, but they have no reason for their current numbers so at least we're all using the same formula.
15. Anyone fighting for this country in the armed forces, will NEVER pay taxes again. Goodness knows, you've been 'taxed' enough. The least we can do, ya think?
16. I will eliminate 100 cable channels. There are more cable channels than there are days in a year.... come on now. Of course all the sports and news channels stay. Channels that challenge you or teach you things, well, those will have to go. And do we have enough versions of 'Trading Spaces' now? Eventually they will run out of spaces right? And if 'C.S.I- Pratt' ever comes out, then we have all officially lost our minds.
17. Keifer Sutherland will be my President. Jack Bauer is the man. ( For all fans of '24')
18. Anyone trying to talk down prices at a yard sale, no matter the item, will be slapped about the head. IT'S A YARD SALE!!!! Things are already cheap. Pay your .50 and move on.
19. Kids will not be allowed to leave school until they can at least spell their name, write a sentence and add multiple numbers. Yes, that means you Duke Students.
20. And finally, 3 day work weeks for everyone!!!!!!!

I just sat, and shook my head

Brandon Evans died April 17th at the age of 32 from the disease of cancer. It had been in his spine and soon spread through his whole body. Treatments were tried and prayers offered, but in the end, death was the result.
32.
Only 32.

I realize that millions of people experience the loss of family and friends that are that age or much younger in the course of a year in this country. I realize that none of us are immune to the pain that death brings. But even at those realizations that we aren't really alone when things like this happen, I still can't help but shake my head.

I wasn't Brandon's best friend or really even that close to him in the last few years, but I knew him and got to spend some great time with him in the late 90's. He really was a great guy, from a great family. On Tuesday and Wednesday, I got to spend some more time with Brandon but not in a way that made sense to me. I got to see him lying peaceful, yet lifeless in a coffin. At his viewing on Tuesday, all I could do was sit there and just shake my head.

It doesn't always add up does it? Why is life so easily taken? Though Brandon had been in a 2 year fight, the end was just....well, too soon. On Wednesday, at his funeral some wonderful things were said about Brandon. His life meant so much to so many. His words, his deeds, his example were there for hundreds of students. He was a science teacher and a football coach. A great guy. The kind of guy that we don't have enough of in this world. As all the words were being said and the songs were being sung, I just sat there...... and shook my head.

It's fine to say that 'his time was up' and that 'God called him home', but sometimes I think that just makes us feel better. It's probably true and maybe soon I'll understand it, but right now... I'm just shaking my head. I do believe Brandon is in a better place and is free from pain and that all the tears have been wiped away by the One who has stood in our place of pain and death. I believe that Brandon's life and death are examples to us and that it should all make us appreciate what we have and those that we have around us.

But, for now, I just can't help but shake my head.

I remember the passage of , 'and Jesus wept'. Jesus was present when a good friend, Lazarus had died. The God of the Universe and of all Creation wept. Not because he was 'helpless' or because of some selfish reason, but He wept, I believe, because this isn't how it was supposed to be. I won't go into the whole story of Adam and Eve and the whole reason why death came to man, but in that moment I can see Jesus starring at Lazarus' tomb and.... shaking his head.

He knows. He can handle our doubts and questions. He can face our fears. He can heal our wounds and yes, there were times when even the Son of Man, shook his head and wept because, 'it just isn't right'.

The good news? He's setting the table and preparing the scene where soon, He will make things right. It's not always going to be like this. This pain isn't going to last. Death has won this battle and yet Christ has the victory in this War. Soon, very soon..... it'll make sense.

But for now, in this moment and in this place, I just sit here and shake my head.

My Sweet, Broken Jesus

For most of my adult life, I have struggled with a swallowing problem. Many times I get choked up over the smallest bits of food, like a kernel of corn or too much bread. Taking pills like Tylenol is not something I can do, because it simply won't go down. I have had to have several 'endoscopys'; a procedure that basically stretches your esophogus and allows food to travel more freely to your stomach. Nice, huh?

In October of 2002 I was needing yet another one of these procedures. I checked myself in and began the long, early morning wait for the hospital to prepare for me. While waiting with my wife, I suddenly got very fearful and remember telling Konnie how much I loved her and that if anything should happen, I have made certain preparations. She reassured me that this was no big deal and that I had done it many times before. I then told her, 'Yeah, but even the simplest procedures can go wrong'. Boy, I wish I hadn't been thinking those thoughts, because that's what happened.

During the procedure, apparently my 'food opening', as I call it, was so tight that the Doctor could not get his scope past the opening in order to inflate the end of the scope and stretch it out. But he tried anyway and my esophogus was torn.

I remember coming to and feeling funny. I felt like I had little air bubbles all in my throat. I remember my wife being with me and the Doctor pacing the room on his cell phone. He had ordered an X-Ray to be taken and was getting the results. I remember the words, 'He's got a what!?' Not comforting. I then vaguely remember the Doctor hugging my wife and apologizing.... again, not comforting.... not so much.

The Doctor then told me what had happened and that my problem was something that 'we don't treat here. You'll have to go to Wichita'. Then a bit of fear started to set it because they hauled me off to a waiting ambulance and off we went at a very high speed. I wasn't 'life watched', but 'life driven'. During the 80 plus mile drive, a million things went through my head.... 'How serious is this?' 'Am I going to be ok?' 'What about Kaden and Konnie?' 'My Mom's going to freak!' :-)

After arriving at St Francis Hospital in Wichita, I was taken quickly into ICU (The Intensive Care Unit). It gets that name for a reason, it's very intense. Nurses began hooking me up to what seemed like a hundred IV's and monitors. I was given a catheter (sp?) OUCH! And then everyone left.....

Konnie soon came in to see me and not long after, the Doctor who was now in charge of my case came in. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I remember asking him if I was in serious trouble or not. He said, 'I'll be honest with you. You have a 60/40 chance of survival." With that the tears began to flow as Konnie and I began to share moments that no one wants to go through. All the hopes and dreams of a young married couple with a beautiful little boy at home, began to seem like they may not happen. We cried for quite some time and prayed. Konnie then left because I wanted some people called; My parents especially and some friends.

While by myself, I tried to clear my eyes of all the tears. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think and I didn't know what to pray. I looked up and above the doorway to my room was a figurine of Jesus on the cross. I couldn't help but stare at it. Then I noticed something was wrong with the figure. Half of Jesus' right arm was gone. 'Great,' I thought. 'I got the room with the broken Jesus... that's about right I guess'. I then looked away as if I thought it would jinx me to stare at a broken Jesus.

As family and friends came in and out, and doctor's came by and still had no words of encouragement only caution, I began to look intently on that figure above my door. It finally hit me that indeed this was the Jesus I needed. Not the gold painted Jesus on the cross, but the wooden one in which it showed that He himself was broken. Broken for who? Broken for me. For hours I looked upon this cross and prayed and wept. I knew that some test were coming up that would tell us all if I was to have major surgery that could take my life, or if another cure might be possible.... the cure that only a broken Jesus gives us.

After some time, I forget how long, it was time to see and run the test. My parents had flown in from Houston and were with Konnie. I could feel their prayers. As my bed was wheeled out of my room, I remember looking up at my sweet, broken Jesus and smiling. I knew that no matter what, I was going to be fine; either in death or in life. The test was done and I returned to my room to await the news. The doctor came in as Konnie and I held hands and barely dared to breathe. I remember these words:

"Well, I will be honest with you. It looks like you are healing on your own and we won't have to do surgery. I'll be more honest with you and say that I haven't seen this type of damage heal on it's own, so you are very lucky. We are going to keep you here for several more days so we can monitor your progress, but for now, it looks good.'

Konnie and I smiled through tears of joy and I could not help but give a wink to my sweet, broken Jesus. I didn't deserve it but A miracle had happened and I was being given a chance at life again. Luck? I think not.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm bothered at times that I haven't done 'more' with my second chance in life. I still struggle with silly petty things and I often have to force myself to remember the miracle of that time in my life. I complain about things that shouldn't matter and worry about things that don't matter. I'm still healing, I guess. :-)

I also struggle with the fact that this isn't how it goes for others that are sick. Recently we went and visited Konnie's dad, Frank. He is now but a mere shell of who he once was. Our visit was very hard for Konnie. I will never forget that while we were in the room with Frank, Konnie was tending to him and talking to him. He didn't respond much, but you could almost feel that he wanted to. Suddenly Konnie broke down and began to weep heavily. She got up from her father's bed and went quickly to the bathroom. At that moment, Frank sat up very quickly in a move that stunned me somewhat. He sat up and looked towards the bathroom where his little girl had run to. For just the briefest of moments I believe Frank remembered something. He knew it was Konnie and he knew she was sad, and in just the blink of an eye his clouded memory remembered that he needed to go help and comfort his little girl. It didn't last but a moment and soon he was laying back down. His cruel disease took over again and he, again, looked lost. I began to weep.

Why is it that some are healed and some are not? Why is it that a man's entire life of memories has been robbed from him? Is there no miracle available for him? As Konnie leaned over and began kissing her father on his cheeks I saw an image of Christ. A Christ that doesn't always spare us from disease and knows that none of us are spared from death, but He is there to care for us and kiss our cheeks and comfort us. I think of Brandon Evans... 32 years old and dying in his parents house. I think of all that they must be going through watching their little boy die.... I don't get it and, as I've said before, maybe I'm not supposed to. But this I do get; Jesus was broken not to spare us from death on this earth, but to give us life everlasting. With the life that we have, comes much responsibility. Are we living up to it? Are we helping and loving others? Are we better today than we were yesterday? If you're like me, the answer is 'some days yes, some days no'. But even that is why Jesus was broken; we can't be perfect, but we can strive to be.

I so wish my friend and Konnie's dad could be healed. But I do believe that there is healing that's taking place. I believe that both men, will someday have life everlasting. In times of suffering like this I'm reminded of a song by the Christian artist Bryan Duncan. The song is Strong Medicine. Take a listen: http://www.kstarheel.com/Strong_Medicine.html


Only God knows why certain things happen and their reasons. But be certain that we can know this.... the same sweet, broken Jesus that healed me is there for us all. Whether in death or in life, He is in control and He will never leave us or forsake us. There is hope, there is life and there is a medicine.

The King of Put-Away Things

There was a man who was on in years. By all rights, he was a good, hardworking man who had recently retired from his job of over 30 years. The job had required much travel from him in every country you can think of from Africa to India. He was often gone from home, but seemed to enjoy what he did. His wife was a kind, gentle gal who supported his career that had, in turn, supported her for so many years. They were happy but underneath all the exteriors of a nice house, nice cars and a nice pension, something was missing. Something always seemed to be missing... in him.

They had but one child, a daughter. She was a typical 'only child' in that whatever she needed in life was hers for the asking and taking. She went to the finest schools and wore the finest clothes, mostly given to her by her mom. She grew in life and love, married and had a son.

But the one thing she did not receive much in life was attention from her father. His distance in the family, partly due to his job and partly due to his lack of attention to her needs, had always left her feeling somewhat unworthy; as if she needed to continually prove herself to him. He seemed so obsessed with work and with purchasing certain things, that he rarely put time towards his only child. He always justified this by saying, 'the bills won't pay themselves'.

Recently her marriage had failed and this was a sore spot for her and her father. He didn't know the man very well, but thought it 'poor taste' to leave the man she once begged him to like, even though he warned her about marrying a man she hardly knew. 'I guess my opinion doesn't matter much to you', he would often say to her. Little did he know, it's all that mattered to her. Never mind that her husband was unfaithful to her and left her, it was still made to be her failure in her father's eyes. Try as she might, she never seemed to be able to please him.

One day the man's wife said to him, 'Today our daughter is going to be visiting; I hope you'll be around'. He looked rather uninterested-interested and said, 'Well, I have much to do around here so you two make out for yourselves; I'll see her when I can.' The wife looked down as if she was nervous about the next words she would say. Almost in a half whisper she said, 'She will also be bringing Timmy with her and he would love to spend time with you.'

The man looked cross at her and said, 'Timmy? Is this another of her boyfriends that is no good? The wife then spoke a bit louder to him as if she was bordering on scolding him. 'Timmy is NOT her boyfriend... it's her son. YOUR grandson. How is it that you don't even remember his name'?

The man stared at her, but more stared through her. His grandson indeed.

Upon their arrival the daughter was nervous for she never knew what to say to her dad. She could never get passed his unending look of disappointment in her. She hugged her mom and then her dad without really making contact with his eyes. Nor did he look into hers.

"Hi grandpa", a young voice said. The man looked down and with a half smile said, 'Well, hi there yourself'.

'Do I get to spend time with you today, Grandpa?', the boy questioned with anticipation. 'Well', the man spoke, 'I have much to do in the garage, but I guess you are welcome to be in there if you wish; just don't go messing with too many things'.

The boy smiled and sprinted off towards the massive garage that was large enough for most families to live in. The wife smiled at him and patted him on the back, half in appreciation and half in encouragement; hoping upon hope that he would finally take some time to get to know his grandson.

While they were in the garage the man's grandson could not believe how much stuff was in there. There was a boat, a motorcycle, furniture, a car and a beautiful bicycle that looked as if it had never had a rider. The boy couldn't help but ask, 'Is that your bike grandpa?' The man looked at it and said, 'Yes, and no', he answered.

'What do you mean?', the boy asked confused by his answer. 'Well, that bike was supposed to be for your mom, but I guess I never got around to giving it to her.'
'Why not?' the boy asked.
His Grandpa answered, 'Well, that is a long story and you shouldn't be bothered by it, but let's just say that I decided to put it away instead. Some things just don't get used and they are just put away.'

The boy then looked around at the massive collection of things and couldn't help himself but to blurt out, 'Well, by the looks of things in this garage it seems to me that you are the King of put-away things.'

At first the man smiled at the boy's witty and piffy comment, as if proud that finally someone was appreciating all that he had worked for; for he felt like a King at times while he was amassing this collection of 'stuff'. But then the smile faded into a look of concern. For some reason that title, 'The King of put-away things' began to bother him. He began to look around and notice all the 'things' in his garage.

There was the boat that he had promised his wife they would go sailing in every weekend, but they never did. The motorcycle he promised his friends he would use to go on trips with, but as of yet had not. There was a million tools that were bought with the purpose of building on to his house and giving his wife the green house she always wanted, but it never seemed to work into his schedule. There was at least 2 rooms worth of furniture that he wouldn't allow his wife to give away to a family that needed it because, as he said, 'you never know if we'll need it again'.... as if they didn't already have enough. And then there was the bike. The bike that was to be given to her for her 15th birthday, but wasn't because of some small incident that now he couldn't even remember.

The bike, to him, suddenly represented the broken relationship he had with his daughter. For her whole life she just never quite measured up to his demands; so I guess he was punishing her by what? not giving her the brand new bike he had bought so long ago, he wondered?
A gift that would have sent her spirits soaring, he withheld from her.

Suddenly some tears began to fall from the soft eyes of the hardened man. His grandson quickly asked, 'Grandpa, what's wrong?'

'Oh, it's nothing Timmy', he looked away and said.

'I just got to thinking about some things and realized that I need to do something that I should have done for your mom years ago'. With those words he walked over to the bike, dusted it off and said, 'What do you think champ? Can you ride it?'

The boys face lit up and he shouted, 'you bet I can!' 'Well', the man said, 'it's yours'. And with that, the boy grabbed the bike and took off down the long, winding driveway. It was the first time the man had given anything of note to his daughter or grandson.

After that, the man began to change. He began contacting his daughter and spent time with her and Timmy. He took his wife sailing, went on motorcycle trips with his friends and spent 3 straight weekends cleaning out his garage and gave much of it away to those in need. Soon, he would begin building that greenhouse for his wife.

One day his wife asked him, 'Honey, I've got to know. What has gotten into you recently; you seem so much happier?' He just smiled at her and said that it was something Timmy had said to him and that he no longer wanted to 'put things away'; not just material things, but emotional things as well. For he not only dusted off a bike to give to his grandson, but his hard heart got cleansed as well, and that he would share with everyone.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Time is short and your 30 years are here.... how should you spend them then? Jesus has told us not to store treasures here on earth. He made it clear what he thought about 'put-away things'. It's the things we give and do for our families and others that have more value than anything we could possibly buy or store up for ourselves. Maybe it's time not for a garage sale, but a garage cleansing.

Trust and Obey

(Written while Konnie's dad, Frank, lived with us from 2001-2004)

For 3 years (or more) Konnie and I have been helping her dad. He has Alzheimer's and without typing out a 4 page email detailing all the highs and lows of the situation, let's just say that right now it's very, very bad. One month ago we began the process of trying to get Frank, her dad, situated in a Nursing Home in Dodge City. The DAY BEFORE he was to be admitted we received a call from them saying, 'sorry, he's too severe for us'. Nice. He's not too severe for us, but he is for a professional facility. Frank had been slowly declining for the last 3 years, but from the end of June to now, he fell off the cliff. There are 9 stages to this disease and he is in or near the last one: no memory of Konnie or Karen, paranoia, hallucinations... he described it as not knowing whether or not he is sleeping or dreaming. For several days he would follow us around and whisper that 'we all need to get out of here... we're going to die'. He felt people from the past were coming after us and that there were other people living in the house. The point I which I said 'no more' was when the threats starting coming from him in the words of 'well maybe I'll kill all of us'. Scary stuff, considering we have 2 small boys. .

I'm not trying to paint a horror picture here, but just to say that things are stressful and a bit tense now that Frank is back in the house. This whole experience hasn't been about money (as was the Pratt rumor for the first year) or that we love living in Pratt. It has been about helping Frank. Other than a roof over his head and supervision, he's beyond our help. We have also been trying to sell our houses here and consider the possibility of moving closer to where I work, Wichita. That has it's own stresses as well.

I'm convinced that this disease is evil.... the devils last chance to bring back all our fears and pains from the past and taunt us with it; taking away all the good memories from a good life. He's that sort of Evil that would do such a thing. But one of the most touching moments I've had with Frank was the last time we took him to Haviland Friends. It was just prior to this 'falling off the cliff' week. We were singing hymns and Frank was lost and wasn't sure what we were doing. I would hold up the Hymnal but he no longer reads and didn't know what to do or say. Then we starting singing 'Trust and Obey'.... Frank wasn't sure of the verses and looked a bit frazzled. But when we got to the chorus, without missing a beat, he starting singing as if he was wanting to make a statement:

'Trust and Obey. For there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey.'

It shook me. No matter what cruelties his mind was enforcing on him, no matter the confusion, the loss, no matter the rough days that lay ahead a seed from the past was still in place. The seed of that song that he had probably been singing for years was still there in his mind, but more importantly in his heart. NO MATTER what comes from this horrible storm, we will and we must 'Trust and Obey'. There comes that point for all of us. If we haven't faced it yet, we will. When sense cannot be made from what is happening, when God himself cannot be heard because of the confusion, we will still Trust Him. I hope I have learned much from this man who has forgotten almost everything. If not, then it is I that is truly in need of help. We aren't asking for a miracle cure, we are just hoping that those small seeds that are still there stay there and bring Frank whatever comfort possible.

Geoff

Bliss

Bliss
2002

I know what the dictionary says about the word 'bliss'. It is commonly defined as 'complete happiness'; ' heaven', 'paradise'. When someone says that they are in 'a state of bliss' they usually mean that nothing, at that moment, could make them happier than whatever is going on. But what things give us bliss? For some it is money. For others it may be things. For the addict it is whatever the addiction needs. For many it is friends. And for most it is love. Yes, love. God gave us a wonderful gift in the gift of love. But not only is it a wonderful thing, but a thing that if one is lacking, it can bring great pain and hardship. For me, I know many different loves. There is the love I have for my family. There is the love I have for my friends. There is the love I have for someone in need. There is the love I have for God. But for this post, I will focus on just one.... the love I have for my wife and son.

CS Lewis said of 'Romantic Love':

"Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian Marriage) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

He adds about 'the fall':
"A young man meets a girl. The whole world looks different when he sees her. Her voice reminds him of something he has been trying to remember all his life, and ten minutes' casual chat with her is more precious than all the favors that all the other women in the world could grant. He is, as they say, 'in love'.

Ever been there?

Such is my marriage. There was great passion at the start; one that still exists. But through the day to day activities and stresses of life, there is a quiet love that keeps Konnie and I close. One of the things that, sometimes quietly and sometimes not so quietly, keeps us 'in love' is our son Kaden. This brings me to my point of 'bliss'. The other night, I found my bliss: though I didn't know it was gone.

Our whole family has been struggling with various illnesses this early winter. On this particular night no one was feeling well; Kaden was coughing, I could barely talk and Konnie was ill just trying to keep us boys going. We generally don't keep 'normal hours' in our house. My job with the Railroad has never allowed for much of a schedule when it comes to bedtime. We are currently living with a 'family bed' arrangement, which we love. This means, we all sleep together. This night we all were laying in bed and it was about 2:00am. Konnie had lit some candles earlier that night and they were burning, giving us our only light. Kaden had been struggling to go to sleep. We were both wore out and drifting off, trying to help little Kaden get comfortable. Finally Kaden's medicine kicked in and we both noticed that he had fallen asleep. As our eyes began to drop for the night, the candlelight allowed us to gaze at one another for just a brief moment. We both looked at this wonderful gift from heaven, our son, then we looked at each other and smiled. It was at that moment that I found my bliss. The two people that I love the most on this earth, were lying next to me drifting off to dream wonderful dreams.

It is for this reason why I got married and wanted kids. It is moments like this that make low paychecks seem like not such a big deal. It's at times like these that I realize life is so good and I should be so grateful to God for all that I have. It is my bliss. What's yours? Find it if you don't know. It's probably right in front of you......

The Passion

So here I am. I'm a month removed from having seen 'The Passion of the Christ". I was tempted to write my feelings about the movie and my experience watching the movie soon after, but I wanted to try something. I wanted to see if the effects of the movie would last. Initially I was blown away with emotion after viewing the film by Mel Gibson. I have never had such a 'real, in your face' experience with my faith. For.... well forever I hadn't really understood what Jesus had gone through for me. SOunds funny coming from a preachers kid and former preacher, but I never really 'got it'. Seeing the look in His eyes (even though it was just a portrayal) was something that shook me to my very core. I don't want this to be a movie review so I'll just leave it with this point; it was more than a movie, it was an experience.

If I had reacted right then, I would have quit my job, sold our house and went back into the ministry. I had a strong feeling of 'what really matters' in life and the feeling that I do a lot of things that don't matter.... like build trains. I know of the gifts I've been given in ministry, but also the stumbling blocks that I keep near me that hamper ministry. I wanted to know longer care about sports..... I mean really, the death of Jesus or the end of a UNC season: which one matters? But the feelings that I experienced were ones that I didn't want to be 'fake' or tossed aside at the first sign of trouble. Could I really change the person I've become and recreate myself spiritually? O:-)

The first week was great. I was a better husband and father than I have been for a long time. I was patient and full of kind words and encouragement's. At work, I tried not to just be 'another railroader' but really tried to uplift people and visibly be seen reading my Bible or talking about the movie. No longer did I want to 'fear' what people would think of me and my faith. Most of that coming from the fact that I have never wanted to make Jesus look stupid. I know that sounds silly, but I've always been afraid to be very vocal about my faith for fear that people would think the faith wasn't valid because I'm not always on my best behavior. But I wanted it to be different from now on. Then the second week, not so good. The third week, a little worse. It's like everything with me, it became difficult to keep my eyes off myself. I mean Jesus is great but I got me to worry about, right? That's the sideways mindset of it all.

To make this post short let's just get to where I am now. Well, I either need to see 'The Passion..." again or I need to just get off the boat. I'm not a bad person but put me in front of a TV watching a Carolina game and I'm the person most pastor's are trying to save. :-) It's ridiculous the value I have always placed on whether or not my team wins or loses. It's growing up in the psycho basketball area of North Carolina that did this to me. People there are just mental about it and I'm one of them. I used to cry myself to sleep when UNC would lose..... and that was just 3 years ago. :'( I've become impatient with my beloved wife. She's supposed to be so perfect in every area when I'm such a louse in every area. I'm back to getting annoyed at work, being bitter over where I live, wishing I had more money, wishing I had more wife time, wanting this, hating that, yelling at politicians, etc. And it's only been a month. What's that say about me? Well, I have a lot of work to do.

But here's the deal about my 'Passion' experience. Normally, I would just morph into my 'old skins' and just be who I am and quit worrying about it. My line has always been, 'well, it's just easier being myself'. That is so not true. The difference now is, I have images of a dying, beaten, bloody Jesus looking at me everytime I think I want to quit. I have the vision of a battered Jesus rising up to take more of a beating when he could have just stayed down and 'played dead'. I have the sight of a weeping Peter denying his Lord and the vision of Judas hanging from a tree after betraying His God. Things need to change. Tomorrow I take a symbolic step: all things UNC go in the trash. Not because they lost tonight, but because a part of me dies with them and it's just silly. There are things I allow in my life that I know aren't healthy and sports is a major one. I believe sports is a great learning tool and educational tool for things like focus, teamwork and carrying yourself with class whether you win or lose. But caring so much about the actions of 17-21 year olds is something that I can't handle and beats me up spiritually so I need to do this to 'clean the closet' so to speak. It's not that sports are bad, they're just bad for bad people. And I'm a bad person when it comes to watching sports. It's also a matter of what kind of 'sports father' will I be for my sons. God help me if I ever melt down at their games the way I do UNC or Carolina Panthers game. It's not acceptable. I use to laugh when the baby would start crying while I yelled at the TV, then I realized just how sick it was that I was 'ok' with that.

Ministry? Who knows. My wife says that I should be ok with teaching Sunday School or something like that, but I told her that that's like asking her to fulfill her need for art by coloring in a coloring book. It's not to diminish sunday school, but just to say that I crave for more. But I think I've been missing the point and tonight I furthered that point along by once again watching my family retreat to 'no basketball zones' in our house to be spared injury from flying pillows and remote controls. Hey, those pillows are big ones so it's not a laughing matter. I think of what Christ wants of me on this 'Large' scale and right now I think He wishes for me to start a little more.... well, near home.

It's like I would walk up to Jesus and say,

'Wow, I can't believe you did that for me.'

Jesus says, 'It was why I came here.... for you'.

I would say, 'Yeah, I guess so, but you really didn't have to do that.'

He says, 'Oh yes I did.'

I say, ' Well, that should have been me and I can't help but think there's something that I need to do...you know to repay you or something'.

Jesus says, 'Well, I guess there are some things you could do'.

'What are they?' I eagerly ask hoping it's something like sweep the floor or fold the laundry; something tasking yet, not really requiring much of me (See Rich Young Ruler).

Jesus gazes at me, then looks past me to the TV and says, 'well, you could shut that off to start with'.

I look nervous and confused and say, 'That? Why start with shutting the TV off?' (It's right in the middle of a UNC-Duke game.)

Jesus smiles and says, "So when you are watching these games.... they are games right?..... are you ever thinking of Me and My love for you and the sacrifice I made for you and that so many people living right near you don't even know Me? And would you be in any position to tell them about Me assuming the game doesn't go your way? And what of your sons? Should they really have to go into another room of the house because the game..... I still think it's funny they call it a game...... didn't turn out the way you wanted? You really think that I care about scores and stats? Do you really think I care about whether or not 'your team' does well? What I care about is people. I care about you, your wife, your sons and I worry that they aren't getting what they need spiritually because, again, the game didn't go your way. You keep worrying about this great ministry that you think I'm calling you to and maybe I am.... but what of the ministry in your own home? If your sons don't see Me in you, why do you care if anyone else does? Remember to whom much is given, much is expected and Geoff let's be honest, you were given plenty. What are you doing with it? What are you doing with your time here on earth? Do you not know that I love you regardless of where you live, what you do for a job, how nice your computer is, how current your car is... or what team you pull for? So, again I say, let's start with shutting that off and quit scaring the children.' He finishes me off with 'that look' and a cool little smile to go along with it.

I don't know how we go about 'changing' who we've always been. Frankly, I've never bothered much about doing such a thing. It's a like a New Year's resolution.... are they still around in February? It's just easier being who we are isn't it? Maybe, but is it ok to .... be 'ok' with that? After realizing what is at stake and why we are here, do the 'games' lose their importance a bit? I hope I turn out differently eventually. I want that , but am I willing to take my own 'beating' to get there? We'll see..... nice to know though that I do have one really BIG FAN, and he's behind me.... and infront and by each side of me. He's won the war and is trying to get me through the battle. Now that may be a game worth caring about.

Geoff, the former psychotic UNC fan?.... who knows?



Update:
march 2005
My faith is important me again and growing so. Not sure if ministry is in my future again, but I'm thinking...
I still watch too many UNC games and watching them vs. Duke is a very unhealthy thing.