Recently I went and saw Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6). Are you kidding me? Six Rocky movies? Actually it was quite good. But in watching that movie I was really hoping to feel motivated and leave saying that 'it's never to late'. I wanted to leave that movie, go run 4 miles, do 100 sit ups and run the stairs in Philly. No, instead I went home, had a glass of milk and ate a pop tart. I thought about the effort required in working out and decided that I best just relax and watch another episode of 'The Office'. I couldn't help but say, 'damn that Rocky Balboa'.
At the start of anything new you're supposed to feel a feeling of renewal or have a thought of a second chance. Every time in school that we started a new grading period I always said, 'this is the semester that I will study hard and actually read a book. Never really happened. The new year is a time to start dieting, working out, living on a budget and reading the Bible more. This new year I have hesitated in making any of those pledges. I have told one of my co-workers that I 'would like' to start lifting weights with him. I have told my wife that I 'would like' to start living on a budget. And I've told several that by summer time I 'would like' a 'boy band body'. In order to achieve those goals I'm going to have to fight to get them. I don't have to fight anyone like Rocky did, but like Rocky I will have to fight myself.
(As I'm writing this they just introduced Nancy Pelosi as the 'new speaker of the house' and I had to recollect my thoughts).
Ok, where was I? Ah yes, fighting for change. Driving home last night I told myself and God something. I was trying to pray for renewal. I was going to attempt that always lame, "Lord, help me do better'. Then it hit me. I said to myself, 'self. You don't want to change. You like yourself just the way you are. You like being sarcastic and arguing about silly things. You like criticizing others. You like your passionate moments of anger. You like setting goals and not meeting them. The reason I know this is because we are 37 years into this and every year is just like the last year. If you actually wanted these things, you would fight for them.'
I thought this was a little harsh for self to tell myself this. I didn't really like what was being said. So I had to change my prayer to , "Lord, help me want to change."
There is a saying that in tough times it's either 'Fight or Flight'. You are either going to fight for something or you are going to flee with your pride in your pocket and your head hung low. Another saying says, 'you must fight fire with fire'. This proverb has been traced back to Shakespeare's Coriolanus:
Aufiduis: One fire drives out one fire; one nail, one nail; Rights by rights falter, strengths by strengths do fail.
I used to have a fire in my belly for things. I remember going outside our house in North Carolina and hitting rocks for hours with my baseball bat to improve my swing. I remember playing basketball until I couldn't see anymore trying to work on my fade away jumper. I remember going to Sunday School and youth group always talking about the things of God and really wanting to make a difference. I can remember dreaming of having a wife and kids; a nice house, good job and thinking I would be very happy with that. Well, I am very happy with 'that' but I'm still not so pleased with me. I just don't feel the fire to accomplish anything other than making the house payment. Time to fight fire with fire.
I love to blog in 'real time'. It's now about 10 hours since I wrote all of the above. I re-read what I had written and simply said, 'what a cry baby'. Yeah, I called myself a big, fat, lump of a baby. Why? Well, it's because I'm 'stuck on stupid'. Every blog is starting to sound the same. It's full of the same laments about my life and where I am and where I'm going. I'm sitting here thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be and I'm EXACTLY who I'm supposed to be for right now. Maybe I'm not changing this or changing that because I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO! Maybe, as flawed as I am, I am actually of some use to God, my wife, my kids and my friends... all 4 of them. ;-) Sure, I wish I wouldn't do certain things or say certain things but you know what? There are plenty of things that I'm darn glad I do and things that I'm thrilled that I've said. (patting self on back)
I said to Konnie a little bit ago, 'winch, get me a beer'. Ok, that's not what I said. (I don't like beer) I was going to go for the manly thing but here's what I said, 'You're happy right?'. 'Yes' she says. 'You like our house and the boys are great and I have a good job... that's all good right?' 'I'm a very lucky woman Geoffrey'. With that she put her head on my shoulders and smiled.
So I have a great life. Great wife, great kids, great job. I have great friends... all 4 of you. (just kidding) The ONE area I really need to improve on is my witness. Well, ok, so let's improve that. Let's just make it better and quit fretting over how many times I'm going to fall on my face and how many times I'm not going to make it and how many times I will fall in the water because I momentarily lost my faith. Just make it better.
So there you go. Marriage problems? Just make it better. Money problems? Just make it better. Faith problems? Just make it better. We're not talking about perfection here, just take some baby steps in the right direction and see how that works for you. I'm starting to think that my life isn't as hard as I want it to be. Maybe I tend to need chaos in order to feel 'human'. Maybe I need things to be broken so I can try and fix them. Well, maybe I just need to focus on something and simply try to make that something better. If everyone were as 'bad off' as I am, the world really wouldn't be too bad. :-)
Ha! Take that self.... you little nagging gnat!
I used to have a fire in my belly for things. I remember going outside our house in North Carolina and hitting rocks for hours with my baseball bat to improve my swing. I remember playing basketball until I couldn't see anymore trying to work on my fade away jumper. I remember going to Sunday School and youth group always talking about the things of God and really wanting to make a difference. I can remember dreaming of having a wife and kids; a nice house, good job and thinking I would be very happy with that. Well, I am very happy with 'that' but I'm still not so pleased with me. I just don't feel the fire to accomplish anything other than making the house payment. Time to fight fire with fire.
I love to blog in 'real time'. It's now about 10 hours since I wrote all of the above. I re-read what I had written and simply said, 'what a cry baby'. Yeah, I called myself a big, fat, lump of a baby. Why? Well, it's because I'm 'stuck on stupid'. Every blog is starting to sound the same. It's full of the same laments about my life and where I am and where I'm going. I'm sitting here thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be and I'm EXACTLY who I'm supposed to be for right now. Maybe I'm not changing this or changing that because I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO! Maybe, as flawed as I am, I am actually of some use to God, my wife, my kids and my friends... all 4 of them. ;-) Sure, I wish I wouldn't do certain things or say certain things but you know what? There are plenty of things that I'm darn glad I do and things that I'm thrilled that I've said. (patting self on back)
I said to Konnie a little bit ago, 'winch, get me a beer'. Ok, that's not what I said. (I don't like beer) I was going to go for the manly thing but here's what I said, 'You're happy right?'. 'Yes' she says. 'You like our house and the boys are great and I have a good job... that's all good right?' 'I'm a very lucky woman Geoffrey'. With that she put her head on my shoulders and smiled.
So I have a great life. Great wife, great kids, great job. I have great friends... all 4 of you. (just kidding) The ONE area I really need to improve on is my witness. Well, ok, so let's improve that. Let's just make it better and quit fretting over how many times I'm going to fall on my face and how many times I'm not going to make it and how many times I will fall in the water because I momentarily lost my faith. Just make it better.
So there you go. Marriage problems? Just make it better. Money problems? Just make it better. Faith problems? Just make it better. We're not talking about perfection here, just take some baby steps in the right direction and see how that works for you. I'm starting to think that my life isn't as hard as I want it to be. Maybe I tend to need chaos in order to feel 'human'. Maybe I need things to be broken so I can try and fix them. Well, maybe I just need to focus on something and simply try to make that something better. If everyone were as 'bad off' as I am, the world really wouldn't be too bad. :-)
Ha! Take that self.... you little nagging gnat!
