On May 3rd, I had all sorts of problems. Lately I have been battling what my friend Seth calls 'a deep, blue, funk'. Now you must realize that I have a great life. Good job, nice house, 2 great kids and a smokin' hot wife (Talledega Nights) and every other thing a person could ever want. But it hasn't mattered much in the last few weeks. I don't know if it's because I'm turning 38 (which is certainly mid-life for me based on my love of bacon), I am going on my 10th year with Union Pacific Railroad and my kids are growing up too fast. I just have let all the 'problems' of the days bug me. I'm fighting the IRS, I don't like how my job keeps changing, I can't seem to get my debts paid down quick enough, if there are 10 decisions to make, it seems I make at least 8 bad ones. (I think that's 80% , but it's been awhile since I did math) I told my wife the other night that I really thought I was heading for a nervous breakdown. She had sympathy for me and tried again to remind me of how good things are. She was right, but I just didn't get it; I'm a bit slow on the uptake.
The next night, the evening of May4th, we had watched some TV and decided to go to bed. I was set to get called out for a train at 6:00am so I knew I needed some sleep. Konnie decided to turn on the local news and just see what was happening. At first I really didn't understand all that was going on. The broadcasters seemed a little discombobulated and I could tell they were a bit stunned by something but were doing their best to maintain that robotic candance that they are all so well trained in. Then I heard three words that shook me from my near sleep: Greensburg, Tornado, Devastation. 'Are they talking about Greensburg, KS?', I foolishly thought. Of course they were. What other Greensburg do I know? The numbers started coming in.... 60% destroyed, 70% destroyed, 100% damage. I called my friend Seth whose mom and dad still live in Greensburg; the town he grew up in and we all spent many, many days in during our time at Friends Bible College/Barclay College located in Haviland. He hadn't heard from anyone yet regarding their condition and since he doesn't have cable I was trying to let him know where the damage was located. We did this for some time and eventually he did get word that his dad was Ok, but still nothing yet on his mom, who lived on the other side of town where we knew there was massive damage. We said we would speak again later and hung up.
As night turned to day, the images of what had happened started coming in. I almost lost my breath as they showed a 'fly-over' of Greensburg. It was gone.... just simply gone. As if someone had hit the button and launched a nuclear weapon on this town of 1,800, it was just simply left in ruins. Of course I couldn't help but think of the horror that the folks in Greensburg had just gone through. I thought of Seth's family and friends. I thought of the engineer I work with that lives in Greensburg. I thought of the countless times spent in that town. I just couldn't wrap my head around this level of tragedy that had hit so close to home. Earlier in the evening/morning I heard from my friend Brandon Thompson. Brandon had been living on the 'Thompson Farm' just about 2 years ago when a fire struck the house of his grandmother that he and his family had lived in. The farm is located in different spots just north of Haviland and Brandon gave me the news that 'it's all gone. It's completely wiped out'. I couldn't believe it. How much should one family go through?
Later in the morning we did hear that Seth's mom and her husband were ok and we were grateful. My dad called me and wanted to know if I would like to go to Haviland to just visit, help, comfort people; whatever we could do. I said yes and called in and took a sick day. I wasn't prepared for what I saw.
As we arrived out at the Thompson Farm, you could see from a mile off that something horrible had happened. The tree row had just been shaved off. Approaching the first stop on the farm, where Brandon's brother's family lived, you could see that it was more than just the trees that had been hit hard. Where there used to be a house, there was now only a concrete foundation. Where there used to be barns, there was now just rubble. Where there used to be combines there was now nothing; they still haven't found the combines. Amazingly several animals had survived and you could almost see it in their eyes: 'what was that all about?' It was devastation on a level I've never seen and I went to Louisiana after hurricane Andrew and still I lost my breath looking around. Our next stop was up the road a ways to Brandon's mom and dad's home. Again, it was just overwhelming to see what man took years to build, a tornado destroyed in seconds. Not only were the buildings a wreck, but the looks in the eyes of the Thompson family was almost as hard to see. They were in shock, and full of sadness. But give up? I think not.... they were too busy cleaning, rounding up cattle and mending fences. That's what people in this part of the world do.
On the way home that night, dad and I stopped in at Seth's to visit with Ron. We heard his story of what happened; of just how fast it was over; of just how completely devastated his town was. But we also heard a story that must be told. It's not the story of lost lives and broken buildings. It's not the story of 'why me?' and 'what now?'. It's the story of neighbors; neighbors helping neighbors. Ron said that after the storm took his house, he went up from the basement and saw the destruction around him. After being thankful to be alive he said he then thought, 'I better go check on my neighbor'. Ron did that. Ron said that to a man and woman that was the theme of the Greensburg tornado on the night of May 4th. It wasn't chaos. It wasn't looting. It wasn't 'where's the government?'. It was a simple yet profound thought, 'how's my neighbor'. That's the state I live in, that's the kind of people I know. People that have just lost everything didn't waste a minute taking in their own damage. The first priority is in helping their neighbor. We had heard from the Thompson's of how the Barclay College students had all come out to the farm to help dig through the tragedy and help find clothes that could be washed. We heard of how people from all over the state descended on Greensburg to offer help to their neighbors. There were tears, there is shock and there was a mountain of horror laying in ruins. But the greater presence was 'love thy neighbor'.
Didn't Jesus say just that?
Luke 10:26-28
26He answered, "What's written in God's Law? How do you interpret it?"
27He said, "That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself."
28"Good answer!" said Jesus. "Do it and you'll live."
One of the the most important questions that Jesus thought you could ask was and still is, 'How's my neighbor?'. The story of the Greensburg tornado that destroyed a Kansas town, several farms and many lives isn't just the power of destruction and chaos that a tornado brings. The story is found in the power of faith, hope and love. Faith that you'll make it through the storm. Hope that you'll one day rebuild and Love for those around you and for life itself. I'm proud and humbled by my fellow Kansans. In some ways I am ashamed because on May 3rd I had a lot of problems. On May 5th, I saw what real problems are and I saw a community and a people face those problems with courage and love. I'll never forget what I saw. But more than that I'll never forget what I heard: 'How's my neighbor?'.
Here are some photos I took of the Thompson Family Farm. http://www.kstarheel.com/tornado.html
Again, I think the song 'God is my Rock' has to be heard in a time like this.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
To fear or not to fear....
I guess this blog is an obvious one. I'm actually about 8 days late in writing this seeing as the mass killings that took place on the campus of Virgina Tech University happened on the morning of April 16th. After writing about the murder of the Amish girls 6 months ago, I wasn't sure I wanted to go down this road again. Frankly, I'm sad that I live in a time where one could go down this road many times . If it wasn't this incident, perhaps I could write about the genocide still going on in Africa. Maybe I could write about the mind-numbing car bombings taking place in Iraq. There is always plenty of local violence to write about. I'm sure somewhere in Kansas there was a killing, beating or a rape in the last 24 hours. If I focused nationally I would have about 500 murders to choose from so there's no shortage there. When you read through the daily headlines of our world, it can simply be too depressing for words.
The point is, 32 people (not counting the cowards death) died in a terrifying 3 hour period on April 16th. It made world news because of the seemingly senselessness of it; it just seemed to come from nowhere. But did it really? Did it really come from nowhere? Trust me, that act of evil had roots.... deep ones. That sad, little man didn't just wake up and say, 'let's go kill everyone today'. No, this action had been boiling up for quite some time. But to be honest with you, I'm in no mood to break down the act into religious, psychological or sociological pie charts. I don't really care to figure out why this man decided to kill innocent lives. Why? Because the answer is just too simple that it's scary. Evil exists and it exists so that you might be destroyed. Simple enough?
Death isn't unusual. Murder isn't unusual. Yet, we are so shocked and saddened when these types of events take place. And we are scared. Haven't we conditioned ourselves and our kids to treat death like hitting the 'x' button on the Play Station? What it seems we can't handle is the kind of murderous rampage that could easily involve us. What if your son or daughter were in that building that day? What if someone you knew or you were in the Trade Center Towers over 5 years ago? What if you took a wrong turn down a dark street and were never heard from again? It's all about fear. We fear things we don't understand. Shouldn't we understand evil by now? Of course to understand it you have to admit it's real and maybe that's where we are dropping the ball in society.
There I am doing what I said I didn't want to do. I don't want to seek answers. I want to seek comfort. I want to seek strength. I want to seek protection.
Riding in the van the other night a song came on and reminded me of some things. The song only lasts less than a minute and a half, but it was so powerful to me as I looked up into a massive, clear, star-lit sky. It was a reminder to me of how I should feel in times such as these. It's a song that is not only a prayer, but a battle cry. We look into the eyes of evil everyday; you may not know it, but it's there. We need something to hold on to. We need a shelter in which to run. So, do this.... turn your speakers up or put your headphones on and crank your computers volume. Don't worry about who's around and play this song. As it plays, close your eyes and see every bad thing in your life and in this world. Why? Because none of it is bigger than God.
http://www.kstarheel.com/godismyrock.html
Truth is folks the world isn't getting less violent. The chances of you or a loved one coming face-to-face with someone wanting to end your life is only going up. But we aren't to fear what seems so frightening. We stand up. We walk humbly. We take shelter in our God. We must remember that Jesus didn't die so that bad things wouldn't happen. He died to conquer the ultimate 'bad thing': death. His love has driven fear to it's knees. No, it's killed it. It is in that hope, that I hope. In that comfort that I find some peace. I pray for my family. I pray for yours. Don't lose hope and don't let fear blind you from the truth.
Psalm 18
1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.
Revelation 1:17
17-20"Don't fear: I am First, I am Last, I'm Alive. I died, but I came to life, and my life is now forever. See these keys in my hand? They open and lock Death's doors, they open and lock Hell's gates. "
John 16:31
Jesus answered them, "Do you finally believe? In fact, you're about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."
The point is, 32 people (not counting the cowards death) died in a terrifying 3 hour period on April 16th. It made world news because of the seemingly senselessness of it; it just seemed to come from nowhere. But did it really? Did it really come from nowhere? Trust me, that act of evil had roots.... deep ones. That sad, little man didn't just wake up and say, 'let's go kill everyone today'. No, this action had been boiling up for quite some time. But to be honest with you, I'm in no mood to break down the act into religious, psychological or sociological pie charts. I don't really care to figure out why this man decided to kill innocent lives. Why? Because the answer is just too simple that it's scary. Evil exists and it exists so that you might be destroyed. Simple enough?
Death isn't unusual. Murder isn't unusual. Yet, we are so shocked and saddened when these types of events take place. And we are scared. Haven't we conditioned ourselves and our kids to treat death like hitting the 'x' button on the Play Station? What it seems we can't handle is the kind of murderous rampage that could easily involve us. What if your son or daughter were in that building that day? What if someone you knew or you were in the Trade Center Towers over 5 years ago? What if you took a wrong turn down a dark street and were never heard from again? It's all about fear. We fear things we don't understand. Shouldn't we understand evil by now? Of course to understand it you have to admit it's real and maybe that's where we are dropping the ball in society.
There I am doing what I said I didn't want to do. I don't want to seek answers. I want to seek comfort. I want to seek strength. I want to seek protection.
Riding in the van the other night a song came on and reminded me of some things. The song only lasts less than a minute and a half, but it was so powerful to me as I looked up into a massive, clear, star-lit sky. It was a reminder to me of how I should feel in times such as these. It's a song that is not only a prayer, but a battle cry. We look into the eyes of evil everyday; you may not know it, but it's there. We need something to hold on to. We need a shelter in which to run. So, do this.... turn your speakers up or put your headphones on and crank your computers volume. Don't worry about who's around and play this song. As it plays, close your eyes and see every bad thing in your life and in this world. Why? Because none of it is bigger than God.
http://www.kstarheel.com/godismyrock.html
Truth is folks the world isn't getting less violent. The chances of you or a loved one coming face-to-face with someone wanting to end your life is only going up. But we aren't to fear what seems so frightening. We stand up. We walk humbly. We take shelter in our God. We must remember that Jesus didn't die so that bad things wouldn't happen. He died to conquer the ultimate 'bad thing': death. His love has driven fear to it's knees. No, it's killed it. It is in that hope, that I hope. In that comfort that I find some peace. I pray for my family. I pray for yours. Don't lose hope and don't let fear blind you from the truth.
Psalm 18
1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.
Revelation 1:17
17-20"Don't fear: I am First, I am Last, I'm Alive. I died, but I came to life, and my life is now forever. See these keys in my hand? They open and lock Death's doors, they open and lock Hell's gates. "
John 16:31
Jesus answered them, "Do you finally believe? In fact, you're about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Would you know greatness?
The Washington Post recently ran a very interesting experiment. They hired a world class classical violinist, Joshua Bell, to play outside of a metro station to see if anyone would notice him, listen to him or even give him a dollar. Here's some excerpts from google news:
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Joshua Bell is one of the classical music world's iconic figures, but fame didn't stop the Grammy-Award winning violinist's music from falling on deaf ears at a subway stop in Washington.
Bell, 39, received the most coveted prize in classical music -- the Avery Fisher prize -- on Tuesday, two days after The Washington Post revealed that he had failed to draw even a tiny crowd while performing in an anonymous setting.
The boyish-looking Bell swapped his formal concert garb for jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap to play six classical pieces outside a Metro station in a test of perception and public taste conducted by the Post.
Bell says the results after 43 minutes during morning rush hour -- $32.17 and only one of 1,097 people who passed by recognizing him -- were more surprising than being asked to do the stunt in the first place.
"I was quite nervous and it was a strange experience being ignored," Bell, a former child prodigy who attracts a young following and commands ticket prices of $100 or more at his concerts, told Reuters on Wednesday.
"Obviously I am spoiled by getting up on stage and having people clap and pay money to see me, and it changed my perspective on things."
"Maybe once is enough for me for this kind of experiment," Bell said, smiling. "But I myself will certainly be paying more attention to street musicians when I walk by."
Check out the story and the video here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html?hpid=topnews
$32.17. That's it. Here is a guy that has set a new standard in classical violin playing and he couldn't make more than you would during an 8 hour shift at Quick Trip. I wonder how many of those folks that passed him by would have jumped at the chance to see him if he were playing locally for $100 a ticket. I bet there were more than a handful that would have said, 'oh, I've heard of him and I would love to see him. Because I know greatness and I'm not afraid to pay $100 to see greatness.' That same man or woman walked on by and it was free.
Why? Well, it was a surrounding that people weren't expecting. I mean to see Michael Jordan play at the University of North Carolina and for the Chicago Bulls was a real treat for me back in the day. But if he was playing at the local YMCA, would I notice? I've met Eddie Van Halen and to watch him play a guitar was a joy, but would I bother giving him a nickle if I saw him at the Guitar Center playing? Or would I say, 'that dude is trying to sound like Eddie Van Halen... what a dork.'
We are making the same mistake with our faith. In the context of crisis or inside a church, it all makes sense right? I mean we pray because the pastor said pray. We raise our hands to choruses because that's what the people on stage are doing. We greet those around us with love because the pastor said, 'stand up and greet one another with a hug or a hello'. In the right setting, we are all about this guy Jesus and we can't wait to hear what he has to say next.
But when we are exposed to the greatness of the Christian faith 'outside it's proper box', we tend to either get confused or just simply ignore it. Our Christian faith at work doesn't always seem to fit. Our faith while watching our favorite team go 1 for 23 to end their season doesn't seem to fit. Our faith while seeing a pretty girl who smiles at you (or guy) doesn't seem to fit. Do we realize the greatness we are all about? IF we heard Jesus preaching in a Metro Station, would we pay him any attention or just say, 'man, the homeless problem is just out of control'.
You can pick and choose, I guess, to notice a master musician playing on the street. You can ignore him if you like. You can also give him $100 one day and pretend he isn't there the next day. But to make that same mistake with 'The Master' is a fatal flaw. How do I know? I make that mistake more than I wish to. I make it at work. I make it when my favorite team goes 1 for 23 to end their season. And I make it even in the obvious places.... like church. I know I'm missing some great things; I'm just ignoring them or hoping they go away. Are you?
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Joshua Bell is one of the classical music world's iconic figures, but fame didn't stop the Grammy-Award winning violinist's music from falling on deaf ears at a subway stop in Washington.
Bell, 39, received the most coveted prize in classical music -- the Avery Fisher prize -- on Tuesday, two days after The Washington Post revealed that he had failed to draw even a tiny crowd while performing in an anonymous setting.
The boyish-looking Bell swapped his formal concert garb for jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap to play six classical pieces outside a Metro station in a test of perception and public taste conducted by the Post.
Bell says the results after 43 minutes during morning rush hour -- $32.17 and only one of 1,097 people who passed by recognizing him -- were more surprising than being asked to do the stunt in the first place.
"I was quite nervous and it was a strange experience being ignored," Bell, a former child prodigy who attracts a young following and commands ticket prices of $100 or more at his concerts, told Reuters on Wednesday.
"Obviously I am spoiled by getting up on stage and having people clap and pay money to see me, and it changed my perspective on things."
"Maybe once is enough for me for this kind of experiment," Bell said, smiling. "But I myself will certainly be paying more attention to street musicians when I walk by."
Check out the story and the video here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html?hpid=topnews
$32.17. That's it. Here is a guy that has set a new standard in classical violin playing and he couldn't make more than you would during an 8 hour shift at Quick Trip. I wonder how many of those folks that passed him by would have jumped at the chance to see him if he were playing locally for $100 a ticket. I bet there were more than a handful that would have said, 'oh, I've heard of him and I would love to see him. Because I know greatness and I'm not afraid to pay $100 to see greatness.' That same man or woman walked on by and it was free.
Why? Well, it was a surrounding that people weren't expecting. I mean to see Michael Jordan play at the University of North Carolina and for the Chicago Bulls was a real treat for me back in the day. But if he was playing at the local YMCA, would I notice? I've met Eddie Van Halen and to watch him play a guitar was a joy, but would I bother giving him a nickle if I saw him at the Guitar Center playing? Or would I say, 'that dude is trying to sound like Eddie Van Halen... what a dork.'
We are making the same mistake with our faith. In the context of crisis or inside a church, it all makes sense right? I mean we pray because the pastor said pray. We raise our hands to choruses because that's what the people on stage are doing. We greet those around us with love because the pastor said, 'stand up and greet one another with a hug or a hello'. In the right setting, we are all about this guy Jesus and we can't wait to hear what he has to say next.
But when we are exposed to the greatness of the Christian faith 'outside it's proper box', we tend to either get confused or just simply ignore it. Our Christian faith at work doesn't always seem to fit. Our faith while watching our favorite team go 1 for 23 to end their season doesn't seem to fit. Our faith while seeing a pretty girl who smiles at you (or guy) doesn't seem to fit. Do we realize the greatness we are all about? IF we heard Jesus preaching in a Metro Station, would we pay him any attention or just say, 'man, the homeless problem is just out of control'.
You can pick and choose, I guess, to notice a master musician playing on the street. You can ignore him if you like. You can also give him $100 one day and pretend he isn't there the next day. But to make that same mistake with 'The Master' is a fatal flaw. How do I know? I make that mistake more than I wish to. I make it at work. I make it when my favorite team goes 1 for 23 to end their season. And I make it even in the obvious places.... like church. I know I'm missing some great things; I'm just ignoring them or hoping they go away. Are you?
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I'm not smarter than my 3rd Grader
There is a new hit show on Fox called, 'Are you smarter than a 5th grader?'. It's a very clever show that takes several 5th grade students and a bunch of questions from 5th grade text book and some adult must try to answer the questions using the kids for help. No, I wouldn't win much money on that show without the kids' help. It's a good reminder of what all we have forgotten in the decades since we attended the 5th grade.
My oldest son Kaden is currently in the 3rd grade. I was reminded last night that in many areas of life, I'm not smarter than Kaden. While he was doing his homework last night, Konnie told him to bring me an assignment that he had finished in class recently. It was a picture of a pot of gold glued on yellow paper. The task was to write about something that was worth more than gold. Here's what Kaden wrote:
"God is more precious than gold!!! He is more precious than gold because he gave us the world and the Bible. The most important thing is when we believe in the Bible, we believe in Him. He gives us eternal life and heaven. That's why he is the only God in the world. That's why God is more precious than gold."
I was so humbled when I read this. Why? Because I don't know if I would have written this if asked the same question. I might have said my family, my friends. I might have said something really stupid like UNC winning the national title is more precious than gold. Kaden goes to public school. I don't sit down with him daily and read scripture. I rarely have spiritual talks with him on any level that would have led him to write this. I'm sure that he learned this from Sunday School or from the A.W.A.N.A program at our church. He's so much smarter than me.
Here are some verses to back up Kaden's writing:
Psalm 19:9-10
"The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. The are more precious than gold, than more pure gold; they are sweater than honey, than honey from the comb."
Psalm 119:127
"Because I love your commands more than gold, more than pure gold....."
Luke 16:13
"No servant can be in bondage to two masters. For either he will hate one and love the other, or else he will cling fast to one and scorn the other. You cannot be bond servants both of God and of gold."
1 Peter 1:7
"...that the proof of your faith, which is more precious than gold that perishes even though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ"
Needless to say, I'm proud of my son. But here's the catch: without my involvement or input, Kaden may well lose this light that he has. If I don't do my part to be a better example to him, and if that causes Kaden to fall spiritually, then I will have more to answer for than you can imagine. This isn't about education, because I have that. This is about application and I don't have much of that. Is it any wonder that Jesus said this:
Matthew 18: 3-4
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
Humble yourselves... I sure have been.
My oldest son Kaden is currently in the 3rd grade. I was reminded last night that in many areas of life, I'm not smarter than Kaden. While he was doing his homework last night, Konnie told him to bring me an assignment that he had finished in class recently. It was a picture of a pot of gold glued on yellow paper. The task was to write about something that was worth more than gold. Here's what Kaden wrote:
"God is more precious than gold!!! He is more precious than gold because he gave us the world and the Bible. The most important thing is when we believe in the Bible, we believe in Him. He gives us eternal life and heaven. That's why he is the only God in the world. That's why God is more precious than gold."
I was so humbled when I read this. Why? Because I don't know if I would have written this if asked the same question. I might have said my family, my friends. I might have said something really stupid like UNC winning the national title is more precious than gold. Kaden goes to public school. I don't sit down with him daily and read scripture. I rarely have spiritual talks with him on any level that would have led him to write this. I'm sure that he learned this from Sunday School or from the A.W.A.N.A program at our church. He's so much smarter than me.
Here are some verses to back up Kaden's writing:
Psalm 19:9-10
"The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. The are more precious than gold, than more pure gold; they are sweater than honey, than honey from the comb."
Psalm 119:127
"Because I love your commands more than gold, more than pure gold....."
Luke 16:13
"No servant can be in bondage to two masters. For either he will hate one and love the other, or else he will cling fast to one and scorn the other. You cannot be bond servants both of God and of gold."
1 Peter 1:7
"...that the proof of your faith, which is more precious than gold that perishes even though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ"
Needless to say, I'm proud of my son. But here's the catch: without my involvement or input, Kaden may well lose this light that he has. If I don't do my part to be a better example to him, and if that causes Kaden to fall spiritually, then I will have more to answer for than you can imagine. This isn't about education, because I have that. This is about application and I don't have much of that. Is it any wonder that Jesus said this:
Matthew 18: 3-4
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
Humble yourselves... I sure have been.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
If God wrote super-cool-70's-love-songs
I love music. For those that know me, this is no secret. When I say that I love music I don't just mean that I love only pop songs or rocks songs, jazz songs or country songs. I love a little bit of all types of music. Ever since I was a kid (some might argue that I still am) I have always envisioned that my life had a soundtrack behind it. Depending on what was or is currently happening in my world, I always thought there was some background music. I can remember that from an early age I loved having music pumping into my head. It used to be on portable radios then the God of music blessed us with the 'Walkman' and it changed my world. Then I was able to make my own tapes and my soundtracks took a whole new direction; I created my own play lists to get me through any situation. I remember even making tapes for girls I liked. My early start in the DJ craft. :-)
Now I am 37 and my need for a 'soundtrack' hasn't changed a bit. But the God of music given us some great new toys. I have an iPod, which is just the bomb. On my iPod I have over 4,000 songs. Artists ranging from Van Halen to Miles Davis to Amy Grant escort me on long drives, train trips, walks, working out... ok, I don't work out, but you get the point. I also have Satellite Radio in the car for non-stop sports and political talk and every style of music available to me with just the turn of the dial. My background music is with me everywhere I go. I'm not quite as obsessive about my background music as my friend Seth. Seth shows up everywhere with earphones in the ear and his iPod on his hip. I'm sure if Seth met President Bush he would hold up his hand to Dubya and say, 'hang on.....' (removing his earphones) 'ok, what were you saying?' Seth got me into the iPod experience and I'm forever grateful.
I've said all this simply to set up a scene for you that I experienced the other day while arriving at the hotel we stay at in Salina, KS. When I work a train from Wichita to Herington, KS, we then take a van ride an hour away to stay overnight in Salina. To explain why we do this is another blog on the inane actions of one Union Pacific Railroad; I don't have that kind of time. Anyway, as we were pulling up into the Hotel we had to wait in a line behind several other cars before the van could pull up and let us off by the door; you certainly didn't think we were going to walk did you? As I was sitting in the van I was listening to my iPod and had it in 'shuffle' mode. This allows the iPod to play whatever song it wishes; you never know what song will be next. Since I have over 4,000 songs, I get to hear tunes I haven't heard for some time.
While enjoying my potpourri of music, I notice one of the gals that works at the front desk sitting outside the front doors on a park-like bench. She was smoking and looking very sad. With every puff she took from her cigarette, I saw her hand shake. As I looked at her I felt bad for her. Remember that I will cry at the dumbest commercial or silliest movie. I cried during the movie 'Because of Winn Dixie' for goodness sakes. I have hormonal issues I think. But I also know that I am very empathetic towards people that are hurting, lonely and depressed. As this young gal took yet another drag of smoke into her lungs I saw her begin to cry. It wasn't a desperate cry or one that shook her whole body, but simply a long, steady tear began to fall down her left cheek. Her right cheek soon became moist with tears and she did her best to conceal what was going on as people rushed by her going in and out of the Hotel doors.
At that very moment that I saw the tears begin to fall a song started playing on my iPod. I hadn't heard this song in probably more than 2 or 3 years. Off the top of my head I couldn't even remember who sang it. I could tell it was from the 70's because of the acoustic guitars and vocal harmonies. It was a beautiful song. As I listened to the lyrics and watched this girl weep I was very moved. I so wanted to run out and put the headphones on her and tell her to listen to this song because this was part of her soundtrack for the moment and God had something to say to her. The song is by Firefall and it's called, 'Just remember I love you'. The chorus kept saying , 'Just remember I love you and it'll be alright. Just remember I love you, more than I can say.' I so wanted this girl to her this message. About the time that I thought I had the courage to maybe say something or do something, she got up, wiped her face and went back inside to finish her shift.
But this song stayed with me. I replayed this tune probably 7 times. My soundtrack for the day was a song of love, hope and just a touch of sadness. I started thinking about my family members that are experiencing difficult times. I started thinking about marriages that I know aren't doing well. I started thinking of all those that hurt for reasons we may never know. I started thinking of moms and dads that have lost sons and daughters on the battlefield. I stated thinking of my own problems and I just couldn't hear those words enough: 'Just remember I love you and it'll be alright'. Can you ever hear those words enough? I don't know if God would write super cool love songs from the 70's, but if He did, I think this song would be close to the result. A Simple, kind, soft and yet timeless message from a timeless Love.
Romans 8: 38-39 says this:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
We need to remember that even though God may not give us the specific answers to our problems, he gives us the constant condition in which he meets us at all problem times. The condition is Love. There are no answers for problems in this song, just the hope and knowledge that you are Loved; no matter what.
I made a web page with the song and lyrics. If you need a pick-me-up, check it out.
http://members.cox.net/kstarheel3/Firefall.html
Now I am 37 and my need for a 'soundtrack' hasn't changed a bit. But the God of music given us some great new toys. I have an iPod, which is just the bomb. On my iPod I have over 4,000 songs. Artists ranging from Van Halen to Miles Davis to Amy Grant escort me on long drives, train trips, walks, working out... ok, I don't work out, but you get the point. I also have Satellite Radio in the car for non-stop sports and political talk and every style of music available to me with just the turn of the dial. My background music is with me everywhere I go. I'm not quite as obsessive about my background music as my friend Seth. Seth shows up everywhere with earphones in the ear and his iPod on his hip. I'm sure if Seth met President Bush he would hold up his hand to Dubya and say, 'hang on.....' (removing his earphones) 'ok, what were you saying?' Seth got me into the iPod experience and I'm forever grateful.
I've said all this simply to set up a scene for you that I experienced the other day while arriving at the hotel we stay at in Salina, KS. When I work a train from Wichita to Herington, KS, we then take a van ride an hour away to stay overnight in Salina. To explain why we do this is another blog on the inane actions of one Union Pacific Railroad; I don't have that kind of time. Anyway, as we were pulling up into the Hotel we had to wait in a line behind several other cars before the van could pull up and let us off by the door; you certainly didn't think we were going to walk did you? As I was sitting in the van I was listening to my iPod and had it in 'shuffle' mode. This allows the iPod to play whatever song it wishes; you never know what song will be next. Since I have over 4,000 songs, I get to hear tunes I haven't heard for some time.
While enjoying my potpourri of music, I notice one of the gals that works at the front desk sitting outside the front doors on a park-like bench. She was smoking and looking very sad. With every puff she took from her cigarette, I saw her hand shake. As I looked at her I felt bad for her. Remember that I will cry at the dumbest commercial or silliest movie. I cried during the movie 'Because of Winn Dixie' for goodness sakes. I have hormonal issues I think. But I also know that I am very empathetic towards people that are hurting, lonely and depressed. As this young gal took yet another drag of smoke into her lungs I saw her begin to cry. It wasn't a desperate cry or one that shook her whole body, but simply a long, steady tear began to fall down her left cheek. Her right cheek soon became moist with tears and she did her best to conceal what was going on as people rushed by her going in and out of the Hotel doors.
At that very moment that I saw the tears begin to fall a song started playing on my iPod. I hadn't heard this song in probably more than 2 or 3 years. Off the top of my head I couldn't even remember who sang it. I could tell it was from the 70's because of the acoustic guitars and vocal harmonies. It was a beautiful song. As I listened to the lyrics and watched this girl weep I was very moved. I so wanted to run out and put the headphones on her and tell her to listen to this song because this was part of her soundtrack for the moment and God had something to say to her. The song is by Firefall and it's called, 'Just remember I love you'. The chorus kept saying , 'Just remember I love you and it'll be alright. Just remember I love you, more than I can say.' I so wanted this girl to her this message. About the time that I thought I had the courage to maybe say something or do something, she got up, wiped her face and went back inside to finish her shift.
But this song stayed with me. I replayed this tune probably 7 times. My soundtrack for the day was a song of love, hope and just a touch of sadness. I started thinking about my family members that are experiencing difficult times. I started thinking about marriages that I know aren't doing well. I started thinking of all those that hurt for reasons we may never know. I started thinking of moms and dads that have lost sons and daughters on the battlefield. I stated thinking of my own problems and I just couldn't hear those words enough: 'Just remember I love you and it'll be alright'. Can you ever hear those words enough? I don't know if God would write super cool love songs from the 70's, but if He did, I think this song would be close to the result. A Simple, kind, soft and yet timeless message from a timeless Love.
Romans 8: 38-39 says this:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
We need to remember that even though God may not give us the specific answers to our problems, he gives us the constant condition in which he meets us at all problem times. The condition is Love. There are no answers for problems in this song, just the hope and knowledge that you are Loved; no matter what.
I made a web page with the song and lyrics. If you need a pick-me-up, check it out.
http://members.cox.net/kstarheel3/Firefall.html
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Brace yourself like a man
One of my favorite things that God says in the Bible is in the book of Job. When Job and his friends have all had their say in wondering why Job is being persecuted and where God is in all of it, God then readies Job for some questioning of His own. He says, 'Brace yourself like a man. I will question you and you will answer Me." I have entitled this blog with that quote for a reason. This is meant for men. Of course you gals can read along and take from it what you will but please don't make it a tool to 'beat' a man over the head with. There is a 'great disturbance in the force' of "mandom" and we need to talk about it. We men have always been at war with many things and that is true to this day. The particular battle I have been thinking a lot about is that little three-lettered word that makes most churches cringe and immediately want to sing hymns. The word is sex.
There is a crisis, for us Christian men, in our marriages and in our dealings with women period. Again, this isn't something new, but it's hitting close to home for me now on a daily basis it seems. Friends and co-workers all around me are struggling with marriage and with fidelity; some have already called it quits in their marriage. Others are nearing the end. I am a part of this crisis on some levels that some know and some don't. I have been divorced once in the past and I still struggle currently with being a 'good husband'. Granted, my wife says that the last 8 months of our marriage have been the best in our 10 years and I agree. We get along great right now. We don't fight that much and we spend lots of time together talking and simply doing things we enjoy. Most of that is because I'm changing and not my wife. She has always been content and happy... me? well, not so much. I'm still part of the problem that is going on with us men; especially us Christian men. We are fighting to keep our marriages together and sex lives pure. We are surrounded by temptation on a level not seen.... well, in my short life anyway. Every where you go and every where you look, it's all about sex. Movies are filled with it, music sings about nothing else, every commercial has good looking people with very few clothes on, and yes even our waitresses are 'showing off'.
Tonight on our local news program (Feb. 5th, 2007) we saw a report on how to make a marriage work. One of the facts they gave in the report was that of the 19,000 marriages that took place in Kansas in 2006, 9,000 of them have already ended in divorce. Can you wrap your minds around that for a second...... Not only do 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but apparently they end quickly. It almost makes you wonder why people are even getting married these days. I have some theories that may have to wait for another blog, but one reason that everyone is getting married still is because they know that marriage is easy to get out of these days.
I will talk, well actually I will quote another, about two aspects that are killing marriages. First is sex and second is contentment or being happy; getting beyond the 'being in love' stage. The author I will quote exclusively is CS Lewis. It wasn't until later in his life that Lewis was married. He never went through his 30's with a wife and kids and wondering where all the fun went and where all the sex went. But he brings to the table some insights that have really hit me in the last few days.
First of all, we men are obsessed with sex. This is no shock, but can I also say that we 'Christian' men are obsessed with sex? In fact it may be a bigger problem with the Christian man than you may know. Do you know that 60% of all Christian men view pornography on a fairly regular basis? Do you know that 25% of Christian men have had at least one experience with a prostitute? Do you know that 40% of all Christian men are or will have an affair? Now, honesty is always at the heart of these blogs. I don't mean to embarrass myself or anyone else, but I will say that I'm not above percentages. Can we leave it there? :-)
Something has gone wrong with how we see sex and how the church deals with the matter. I'm going to give you a bunch of Lewis quotes and then will move on from there and talk about them.
"The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again."
"When I was a youngster, all the progressive people were saying, 'Why all this prudery? Let us treat sex just as we treat all our other impulses.' I was simple-minded enough to believe they meant what they said. I have since discovered that they meant exactly the opposite. They meant that sex was to be treated as no other impulse in our nature has ever been treated by civilized people. All the others, we admit, have to be bridled.... But every unkindness and breach of faith, seems to be condoned provided that the object aimed at is 'four bare legs in a bed'. It is like having a morality in which stealing fruit is considered wrong--unless you steal nectarines.... If I object to boys who steal my nectarines, must I be supposed to disapprove of nectarines in general? Or even of boys in general? It might, you know, be stealing that I disapprove of.
"Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. There is no getting away from it: the old Christian rule is, 'Either marriage, with complete faithfulness to your partner, or else total abstinence.' Now this is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts, that obviously either Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct, as it is now, has gone wrong. One or the other....
You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act, that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you cam to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?"
Ok, let's take a break. I know I can only read so much Lewis before I have to pause and wrap my head around some of the things he says. When Christians talk about sex it is always an uncomfortable time. Let's be honest, we say one thing about it and usually act another way on the matter; especially us men. We speak of being faithful to our wives but lust with our eyes so much that if our grandmothers were right, we would go blind. Some take it beyond just the eyes and sex becomes a monster that dogs our very existence, even beyond our marriages. Recently in a bible study that we attend we were given the assignment to write down 50 blessing in our lives. My #19 blessing was sex. Now this got a good laugh from everyone, but as I thought about it, I should have listed it higher. Why? Because it dominates much of my thinking. I was one of those rare birds that was a virgin when I first got married. It was just a quest of mine that I would stay 'pure' until my wedding night. Well, I certainly wasn't 'pure' but as for the actual act of sex, I had made it. Now the downside to this was, I really thought that once you were married, it would be a non-stop sex-a-thon with the wife. I wasn't prepared for the reality of marriage. I then got tempted with pornography and a troubling cycle began.
Lewis is right when he says that it's not sex that is the problem, but it's how we use it, view it and think of it that is. I love sex. The problem is, at times I put my love of it over other things that should rank higher on the blessing list. Here's more from Lewis:
"A society in which conjugal infidelity is tolerated must always be in the long run a society adverse to women. Women... are more naturally monogamous than men; it is a biological necessity. Where promiscuity prevails, they will therefore always be more often the victims than the culprits. Also, domestic happiness is more necessary to them than to us.... Thus in the ruthless war of promiscuity women are at a double disadvantage. They play for higher stakes and are also more likely to lose."
I don't think we should make the mistake and say that this is all the man's problem and not the woman's. I simply have to ask my friend Seth what the girls are wearing in High School these days to figure out that girls also have a 'wrong idea' about sex. And we should also not make the mistake of saying that women don't cheat on their husbands for we know from watching 'Grey's Anatomy' that this just isn't true. But we can safely say that Lewis is right when he says that usually the victims of 'wrong ideas about sex' are women. Even women who strip for a living, do so out of desperation and loneliness. Women who sell themselves sexually do so for the same reasons. Behind most women in pornography is a bad relationship with a man; usually a father. We men have to own up to our dominating part in this struggle. Pornographic web sites aren't simply the most downloaded sites on the Internet simply because of the women that pose for them. There are a lot of 'good, Christian men' looking at them because they feel like something is missing from their own marriage. One could call what's missing the thrill or the feeling of being wanted. Whatever the reason, men are trying to fill a void that porn sites and strip clubs and affairs cannot fill. Lewis writes some great stuff on what 'being in love' really is all about and what 'thrills' we should now strive for. I'll close with this.
"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but many things are also above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?.... But of course, ceasing to 'be in love need' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in a second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the explosion that started it.
People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on 'being in love' forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change---not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last...Let the thrill go--let it die away--go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow--and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. It is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy."
Wives, forgive your husbands. We are weak and the temptations around us are overwhelming at times. We may fall, but don't let that be the end of the story of the love that we have. Husbands, let your wives in on your struggles. Share with them honestly what you are fighting against and deal directly with it. Wives, be open to what your husbands say; don't punish them because they struggle and are being honest with you about it. We all have something don't we? Too many marriages are ending because both sides have forgotten. They have forgotten what promises are and they have forgotten what honesty is. But more than either of those, the have forgotten what forgiveness and healing are really all about.
One of my favorite commercials from the last few years is by a sporting wear company called 'Under Armour'. In this commercial a bunch of very manly football players are stomping around working out and training for a big game. The leader of the team starts giving a speech to his teammates about how everyone is coming after them. The tension builds until he shouts, 'Will you protect this house?!!!!' His teammates respond with, "I will, I will". Men of Troy, that is to be our battle cry. We are under attack and our wives and kids are paying the price. The enemy is at hand and it is time to answer the question: Will you protect your house? (View the commercial here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2905328199281265150&q=Under+Armor%2C&hl=en
Brace yourself like men.... and fight this battle like a man.... it's the only way God let's you fight.
There is a crisis, for us Christian men, in our marriages and in our dealings with women period. Again, this isn't something new, but it's hitting close to home for me now on a daily basis it seems. Friends and co-workers all around me are struggling with marriage and with fidelity; some have already called it quits in their marriage. Others are nearing the end. I am a part of this crisis on some levels that some know and some don't. I have been divorced once in the past and I still struggle currently with being a 'good husband'. Granted, my wife says that the last 8 months of our marriage have been the best in our 10 years and I agree. We get along great right now. We don't fight that much and we spend lots of time together talking and simply doing things we enjoy. Most of that is because I'm changing and not my wife. She has always been content and happy... me? well, not so much. I'm still part of the problem that is going on with us men; especially us Christian men. We are fighting to keep our marriages together and sex lives pure. We are surrounded by temptation on a level not seen.... well, in my short life anyway. Every where you go and every where you look, it's all about sex. Movies are filled with it, music sings about nothing else, every commercial has good looking people with very few clothes on, and yes even our waitresses are 'showing off'.
Tonight on our local news program (Feb. 5th, 2007) we saw a report on how to make a marriage work. One of the facts they gave in the report was that of the 19,000 marriages that took place in Kansas in 2006, 9,000 of them have already ended in divorce. Can you wrap your minds around that for a second...... Not only do 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but apparently they end quickly. It almost makes you wonder why people are even getting married these days. I have some theories that may have to wait for another blog, but one reason that everyone is getting married still is because they know that marriage is easy to get out of these days.
I will talk, well actually I will quote another, about two aspects that are killing marriages. First is sex and second is contentment or being happy; getting beyond the 'being in love' stage. The author I will quote exclusively is CS Lewis. It wasn't until later in his life that Lewis was married. He never went through his 30's with a wife and kids and wondering where all the fun went and where all the sex went. But he brings to the table some insights that have really hit me in the last few days.
First of all, we men are obsessed with sex. This is no shock, but can I also say that we 'Christian' men are obsessed with sex? In fact it may be a bigger problem with the Christian man than you may know. Do you know that 60% of all Christian men view pornography on a fairly regular basis? Do you know that 25% of Christian men have had at least one experience with a prostitute? Do you know that 40% of all Christian men are or will have an affair? Now, honesty is always at the heart of these blogs. I don't mean to embarrass myself or anyone else, but I will say that I'm not above percentages. Can we leave it there? :-)
Something has gone wrong with how we see sex and how the church deals with the matter. I'm going to give you a bunch of Lewis quotes and then will move on from there and talk about them.
"The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again."
"When I was a youngster, all the progressive people were saying, 'Why all this prudery? Let us treat sex just as we treat all our other impulses.' I was simple-minded enough to believe they meant what they said. I have since discovered that they meant exactly the opposite. They meant that sex was to be treated as no other impulse in our nature has ever been treated by civilized people. All the others, we admit, have to be bridled.... But every unkindness and breach of faith, seems to be condoned provided that the object aimed at is 'four bare legs in a bed'. It is like having a morality in which stealing fruit is considered wrong--unless you steal nectarines.... If I object to boys who steal my nectarines, must I be supposed to disapprove of nectarines in general? Or even of boys in general? It might, you know, be stealing that I disapprove of.
"Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. There is no getting away from it: the old Christian rule is, 'Either marriage, with complete faithfulness to your partner, or else total abstinence.' Now this is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts, that obviously either Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct, as it is now, has gone wrong. One or the other....
You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act, that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you cam to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?"
Ok, let's take a break. I know I can only read so much Lewis before I have to pause and wrap my head around some of the things he says. When Christians talk about sex it is always an uncomfortable time. Let's be honest, we say one thing about it and usually act another way on the matter; especially us men. We speak of being faithful to our wives but lust with our eyes so much that if our grandmothers were right, we would go blind. Some take it beyond just the eyes and sex becomes a monster that dogs our very existence, even beyond our marriages. Recently in a bible study that we attend we were given the assignment to write down 50 blessing in our lives. My #19 blessing was sex. Now this got a good laugh from everyone, but as I thought about it, I should have listed it higher. Why? Because it dominates much of my thinking. I was one of those rare birds that was a virgin when I first got married. It was just a quest of mine that I would stay 'pure' until my wedding night. Well, I certainly wasn't 'pure' but as for the actual act of sex, I had made it. Now the downside to this was, I really thought that once you were married, it would be a non-stop sex-a-thon with the wife. I wasn't prepared for the reality of marriage. I then got tempted with pornography and a troubling cycle began.
Lewis is right when he says that it's not sex that is the problem, but it's how we use it, view it and think of it that is. I love sex. The problem is, at times I put my love of it over other things that should rank higher on the blessing list. Here's more from Lewis:
"A society in which conjugal infidelity is tolerated must always be in the long run a society adverse to women. Women... are more naturally monogamous than men; it is a biological necessity. Where promiscuity prevails, they will therefore always be more often the victims than the culprits. Also, domestic happiness is more necessary to them than to us.... Thus in the ruthless war of promiscuity women are at a double disadvantage. They play for higher stakes and are also more likely to lose."
I don't think we should make the mistake and say that this is all the man's problem and not the woman's. I simply have to ask my friend Seth what the girls are wearing in High School these days to figure out that girls also have a 'wrong idea' about sex. And we should also not make the mistake of saying that women don't cheat on their husbands for we know from watching 'Grey's Anatomy' that this just isn't true. But we can safely say that Lewis is right when he says that usually the victims of 'wrong ideas about sex' are women. Even women who strip for a living, do so out of desperation and loneliness. Women who sell themselves sexually do so for the same reasons. Behind most women in pornography is a bad relationship with a man; usually a father. We men have to own up to our dominating part in this struggle. Pornographic web sites aren't simply the most downloaded sites on the Internet simply because of the women that pose for them. There are a lot of 'good, Christian men' looking at them because they feel like something is missing from their own marriage. One could call what's missing the thrill or the feeling of being wanted. Whatever the reason, men are trying to fill a void that porn sites and strip clubs and affairs cannot fill. Lewis writes some great stuff on what 'being in love' really is all about and what 'thrills' we should now strive for. I'll close with this.
"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but many things are also above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?.... But of course, ceasing to 'be in love need' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in a second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the explosion that started it.
People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on 'being in love' forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change---not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last...Let the thrill go--let it die away--go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow--and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. It is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy."
Wives, forgive your husbands. We are weak and the temptations around us are overwhelming at times. We may fall, but don't let that be the end of the story of the love that we have. Husbands, let your wives in on your struggles. Share with them honestly what you are fighting against and deal directly with it. Wives, be open to what your husbands say; don't punish them because they struggle and are being honest with you about it. We all have something don't we? Too many marriages are ending because both sides have forgotten. They have forgotten what promises are and they have forgotten what honesty is. But more than either of those, the have forgotten what forgiveness and healing are really all about.
One of my favorite commercials from the last few years is by a sporting wear company called 'Under Armour'. In this commercial a bunch of very manly football players are stomping around working out and training for a big game. The leader of the team starts giving a speech to his teammates about how everyone is coming after them. The tension builds until he shouts, 'Will you protect this house?!!!!' His teammates respond with, "I will, I will". Men of Troy, that is to be our battle cry. We are under attack and our wives and kids are paying the price. The enemy is at hand and it is time to answer the question: Will you protect your house? (View the commercial here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2905328199281265150&q=Under+Armor%2C&hl=en
Brace yourself like men.... and fight this battle like a man.... it's the only way God let's you fight.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Just make it better
I can't believe I'm 37 years old. I can't believe that we are starting year 2007. I can't believe that Michael Jordan doesn't play basketball anymore. I can't believe it's been 20 years since I graduated High School. I can't believe it's been 16 years since I graduated college. I can't believe Andre Agassi retired when I can remember him starting his career at age 16.... and he's now retired. I can't believe there is an 8 year old boy and a 3 year old boy in my house that follow me around and keep calling me dad. I can't be a dad. I'm too young right? I'm feeling it, big time.
Recently I went and saw Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6). Are you kidding me? Six Rocky movies? Actually it was quite good. But in watching that movie I was really hoping to feel motivated and leave saying that 'it's never to late'. I wanted to leave that movie, go run 4 miles, do 100 sit ups and run the stairs in Philly. No, instead I went home, had a glass of milk and ate a pop tart. I thought about the effort required in working out and decided that I best just relax and watch another episode of 'The Office'. I couldn't help but say, 'damn that Rocky Balboa'.
At the start of anything new you're supposed to feel a feeling of renewal or have a thought of a second chance. Every time in school that we started a new grading period I always said, 'this is the semester that I will study hard and actually read a book. Never really happened. The new year is a time to start dieting, working out, living on a budget and reading the Bible more. This new year I have hesitated in making any of those pledges. I have told one of my co-workers that I 'would like' to start lifting weights with him. I have told my wife that I 'would like' to start living on a budget. And I've told several that by summer time I 'would like' a 'boy band body'. In order to achieve those goals I'm going to have to fight to get them. I don't have to fight anyone like Rocky did, but like Rocky I will have to fight myself.
(As I'm writing this they just introduced Nancy Pelosi as the 'new speaker of the house' and I had to recollect my thoughts).
Ok, where was I? Ah yes, fighting for change. Driving home last night I told myself and God something. I was trying to pray for renewal. I was going to attempt that always lame, "Lord, help me do better'. Then it hit me. I said to myself, 'self. You don't want to change. You like yourself just the way you are. You like being sarcastic and arguing about silly things. You like criticizing others. You like your passionate moments of anger. You like setting goals and not meeting them. The reason I know this is because we are 37 years into this and every year is just like the last year. If you actually wanted these things, you would fight for them.'
I thought this was a little harsh for self to tell myself this. I didn't really like what was being said. So I had to change my prayer to , "Lord, help me want to change."
There is a saying that in tough times it's either 'Fight or Flight'. You are either going to fight for something or you are going to flee with your pride in your pocket and your head hung low. Another saying says, 'you must fight fire with fire'. This proverb has been traced back to Shakespeare's Coriolanus:
Recently I went and saw Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6). Are you kidding me? Six Rocky movies? Actually it was quite good. But in watching that movie I was really hoping to feel motivated and leave saying that 'it's never to late'. I wanted to leave that movie, go run 4 miles, do 100 sit ups and run the stairs in Philly. No, instead I went home, had a glass of milk and ate a pop tart. I thought about the effort required in working out and decided that I best just relax and watch another episode of 'The Office'. I couldn't help but say, 'damn that Rocky Balboa'.
At the start of anything new you're supposed to feel a feeling of renewal or have a thought of a second chance. Every time in school that we started a new grading period I always said, 'this is the semester that I will study hard and actually read a book. Never really happened. The new year is a time to start dieting, working out, living on a budget and reading the Bible more. This new year I have hesitated in making any of those pledges. I have told one of my co-workers that I 'would like' to start lifting weights with him. I have told my wife that I 'would like' to start living on a budget. And I've told several that by summer time I 'would like' a 'boy band body'. In order to achieve those goals I'm going to have to fight to get them. I don't have to fight anyone like Rocky did, but like Rocky I will have to fight myself.
(As I'm writing this they just introduced Nancy Pelosi as the 'new speaker of the house' and I had to recollect my thoughts).
Ok, where was I? Ah yes, fighting for change. Driving home last night I told myself and God something. I was trying to pray for renewal. I was going to attempt that always lame, "Lord, help me do better'. Then it hit me. I said to myself, 'self. You don't want to change. You like yourself just the way you are. You like being sarcastic and arguing about silly things. You like criticizing others. You like your passionate moments of anger. You like setting goals and not meeting them. The reason I know this is because we are 37 years into this and every year is just like the last year. If you actually wanted these things, you would fight for them.'
I thought this was a little harsh for self to tell myself this. I didn't really like what was being said. So I had to change my prayer to , "Lord, help me want to change."
There is a saying that in tough times it's either 'Fight or Flight'. You are either going to fight for something or you are going to flee with your pride in your pocket and your head hung low. Another saying says, 'you must fight fire with fire'. This proverb has been traced back to Shakespeare's Coriolanus:
Aufiduis: One fire drives out one fire; one nail, one nail; Rights by rights falter, strengths by strengths do fail.
I used to have a fire in my belly for things. I remember going outside our house in North Carolina and hitting rocks for hours with my baseball bat to improve my swing. I remember playing basketball until I couldn't see anymore trying to work on my fade away jumper. I remember going to Sunday School and youth group always talking about the things of God and really wanting to make a difference. I can remember dreaming of having a wife and kids; a nice house, good job and thinking I would be very happy with that. Well, I am very happy with 'that' but I'm still not so pleased with me. I just don't feel the fire to accomplish anything other than making the house payment. Time to fight fire with fire.
I love to blog in 'real time'. It's now about 10 hours since I wrote all of the above. I re-read what I had written and simply said, 'what a cry baby'. Yeah, I called myself a big, fat, lump of a baby. Why? Well, it's because I'm 'stuck on stupid'. Every blog is starting to sound the same. It's full of the same laments about my life and where I am and where I'm going. I'm sitting here thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be and I'm EXACTLY who I'm supposed to be for right now. Maybe I'm not changing this or changing that because I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO! Maybe, as flawed as I am, I am actually of some use to God, my wife, my kids and my friends... all 4 of them. ;-) Sure, I wish I wouldn't do certain things or say certain things but you know what? There are plenty of things that I'm darn glad I do and things that I'm thrilled that I've said. (patting self on back)
I said to Konnie a little bit ago, 'winch, get me a beer'. Ok, that's not what I said. (I don't like beer) I was going to go for the manly thing but here's what I said, 'You're happy right?'. 'Yes' she says. 'You like our house and the boys are great and I have a good job... that's all good right?' 'I'm a very lucky woman Geoffrey'. With that she put her head on my shoulders and smiled.
So I have a great life. Great wife, great kids, great job. I have great friends... all 4 of you. (just kidding) The ONE area I really need to improve on is my witness. Well, ok, so let's improve that. Let's just make it better and quit fretting over how many times I'm going to fall on my face and how many times I'm not going to make it and how many times I will fall in the water because I momentarily lost my faith. Just make it better.
So there you go. Marriage problems? Just make it better. Money problems? Just make it better. Faith problems? Just make it better. We're not talking about perfection here, just take some baby steps in the right direction and see how that works for you. I'm starting to think that my life isn't as hard as I want it to be. Maybe I tend to need chaos in order to feel 'human'. Maybe I need things to be broken so I can try and fix them. Well, maybe I just need to focus on something and simply try to make that something better. If everyone were as 'bad off' as I am, the world really wouldn't be too bad. :-)
Ha! Take that self.... you little nagging gnat!
I used to have a fire in my belly for things. I remember going outside our house in North Carolina and hitting rocks for hours with my baseball bat to improve my swing. I remember playing basketball until I couldn't see anymore trying to work on my fade away jumper. I remember going to Sunday School and youth group always talking about the things of God and really wanting to make a difference. I can remember dreaming of having a wife and kids; a nice house, good job and thinking I would be very happy with that. Well, I am very happy with 'that' but I'm still not so pleased with me. I just don't feel the fire to accomplish anything other than making the house payment. Time to fight fire with fire.
I love to blog in 'real time'. It's now about 10 hours since I wrote all of the above. I re-read what I had written and simply said, 'what a cry baby'. Yeah, I called myself a big, fat, lump of a baby. Why? Well, it's because I'm 'stuck on stupid'. Every blog is starting to sound the same. It's full of the same laments about my life and where I am and where I'm going. I'm sitting here thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be and I'm EXACTLY who I'm supposed to be for right now. Maybe I'm not changing this or changing that because I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO! Maybe, as flawed as I am, I am actually of some use to God, my wife, my kids and my friends... all 4 of them. ;-) Sure, I wish I wouldn't do certain things or say certain things but you know what? There are plenty of things that I'm darn glad I do and things that I'm thrilled that I've said. (patting self on back)
I said to Konnie a little bit ago, 'winch, get me a beer'. Ok, that's not what I said. (I don't like beer) I was going to go for the manly thing but here's what I said, 'You're happy right?'. 'Yes' she says. 'You like our house and the boys are great and I have a good job... that's all good right?' 'I'm a very lucky woman Geoffrey'. With that she put her head on my shoulders and smiled.
So I have a great life. Great wife, great kids, great job. I have great friends... all 4 of you. (just kidding) The ONE area I really need to improve on is my witness. Well, ok, so let's improve that. Let's just make it better and quit fretting over how many times I'm going to fall on my face and how many times I'm not going to make it and how many times I will fall in the water because I momentarily lost my faith. Just make it better.
So there you go. Marriage problems? Just make it better. Money problems? Just make it better. Faith problems? Just make it better. We're not talking about perfection here, just take some baby steps in the right direction and see how that works for you. I'm starting to think that my life isn't as hard as I want it to be. Maybe I tend to need chaos in order to feel 'human'. Maybe I need things to be broken so I can try and fix them. Well, maybe I just need to focus on something and simply try to make that something better. If everyone were as 'bad off' as I am, the world really wouldn't be too bad. :-)
Ha! Take that self.... you little nagging gnat!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Slips, Trips and Falls
The past week or so has been very hard on me. For some reason, I get really agitated at Christmas time as I seem to be unable to buy enough things or get enough time off. I know that family get togethers are coming and sometimes that's not very fun. It's cold out and because I work a lot in the outdoors, I seem to get my share of head colds and migraines. My attitude has been horrible. I got into a big fight with an engineer because he did something I didn't want him to do. It wasn't that big of a deal but I was tired (on duty for 12 hours and it was 5:30am) and I didn't feel good. Instead of just rolling with things a bit better we got into a massive shouting match and I felt I was seconds away from just punching him and losing my job. I haven't been nice around my house at all. As great as my wife is, my list of complaints seems to never end and I know it wears on her. With all the CS Lewis, George MacDonald and Donald Miller I've been reading, you think I would start to make some progress and quit doing some of these things. But I feel burned out and have let my guard down on more than one occasion.
My company has a slogan that annoys me. There 'big thing' is this: "Safety First". Why does this annoy me? Well, they don't exactly provide the atmosphere or environment to make sure you are always 'safe'. They work you to death. They are always looking to take a bit more money away. They don't maintain equipment or tracks to ensure safety. The list goes on and on. But by saying 'Safety First' they put the onus on us, the employees, to make sure we're never tired, never in an 'unsafe' spot and always have that Stepford wives smile on our faces. Every holiday season they put out a little reminder about safety during the winter months. As I read this I naturally thought, 'yeah, right.... it's that easy'. But upon further review I thought the steps were useful in another area: my spiritual life.
The memo states that during the holiday months over the past 4 years most injuries have been due to slips, trips and falls. They say these injuries are preventable by doing the following things.... I think 'spiritual injuries' are preventable by doing the same things.
1. Keep your eyes on the path
2. Choose the safest course
3. Stay focused on the task at hand
4. Take every precaution to avoid slips, trips and falls (see how redundant they are?)
5. Be aware of your surroundings and expect movement from all directions, all the time
6. Continue to practice good housekeeping
7. Winter action plans are in effect. Be prepared
Pretty obvious, but practical steps to myself being able to avoid confrontations, depression and anger. I won't take the time to tell you how to apply all of these steps to your own life, but I will say that I think most of us need a 'Winter Action Plan'. There are more suicides this time of year than any other. Debt rises faster at this time of year than any other. And God bless our employers because they love to 'cut budgets' this time of year to meet their goals. I know Union Pacific is notorious for cutting jobs during the holiday season to save on their 'year-end' budget. Nice Christmas for those guys huh?
The world isn't going to provide you an environment in which to 'be safe'. We are driven by sex, power and money. If you aren't pursuing those things then you are either mocked or run over. It's very difficult to navigate your way through life at all times of the year, but it seems this time is especially hard. Encourage each other and look for signs in your family and friends that things are not going well. Sometimes you can detect the pending slip, trip or fall and maybe you can play a part in helping prevent that. Have a great Holiday season watch out for what is going on around you and in you.
See you in 2007!
Geoff
My company has a slogan that annoys me. There 'big thing' is this: "Safety First". Why does this annoy me? Well, they don't exactly provide the atmosphere or environment to make sure you are always 'safe'. They work you to death. They are always looking to take a bit more money away. They don't maintain equipment or tracks to ensure safety. The list goes on and on. But by saying 'Safety First' they put the onus on us, the employees, to make sure we're never tired, never in an 'unsafe' spot and always have that Stepford wives smile on our faces. Every holiday season they put out a little reminder about safety during the winter months. As I read this I naturally thought, 'yeah, right.... it's that easy'. But upon further review I thought the steps were useful in another area: my spiritual life.
The memo states that during the holiday months over the past 4 years most injuries have been due to slips, trips and falls. They say these injuries are preventable by doing the following things.... I think 'spiritual injuries' are preventable by doing the same things.
1. Keep your eyes on the path
2. Choose the safest course
3. Stay focused on the task at hand
4. Take every precaution to avoid slips, trips and falls (see how redundant they are?)
5. Be aware of your surroundings and expect movement from all directions, all the time
6. Continue to practice good housekeeping
7. Winter action plans are in effect. Be prepared
Pretty obvious, but practical steps to myself being able to avoid confrontations, depression and anger. I won't take the time to tell you how to apply all of these steps to your own life, but I will say that I think most of us need a 'Winter Action Plan'. There are more suicides this time of year than any other. Debt rises faster at this time of year than any other. And God bless our employers because they love to 'cut budgets' this time of year to meet their goals. I know Union Pacific is notorious for cutting jobs during the holiday season to save on their 'year-end' budget. Nice Christmas for those guys huh?
The world isn't going to provide you an environment in which to 'be safe'. We are driven by sex, power and money. If you aren't pursuing those things then you are either mocked or run over. It's very difficult to navigate your way through life at all times of the year, but it seems this time is especially hard. Encourage each other and look for signs in your family and friends that things are not going well. Sometimes you can detect the pending slip, trip or fall and maybe you can play a part in helping prevent that. Have a great Holiday season watch out for what is going on around you and in you.
See you in 2007!
Geoff
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Who Are You?
I struggle with self-confidence. You wouldn't really think so to be around me because I can come across as loud, brash, mouthy; a real trash talker when watching the sport of my choice. I know more than all the political pundits put together and if only coaches would listen to me. But really I have always had a fairly low self-esteem problem. Part of this is probably genetic but the other part is 'church-conditioning'. No, I'm not going to be one of those that wants to blame the church for all the problems in the world but simply to point out what I think is true for me.
Growing up the son-of-a-preacher-man (cue the song), I have always been around the Church and it's teachings. While a great deal of doctrine has been good for me the one that seems to occupy most of my mind and time is that of sin. I have never felt worthy to be called a Christian and I've always wondered if I should just lose the title and move on to something else less hypocritical; like physics. Since about 5th grade I have been an avid cusser. To me it has become a language that I'm as fluent in as Bush is in Spanish; ok, I'm better at cussing than Bush is at speaking Spanish. I respond to most times of stress, aggravation, exhaustion, my teams losing, etc. with a wondrous string of expletives that would make Eddie Murphy proud. Some folks are 'golly Christians'; some are 'darn Christians'; some are 'damn Christians' and I'm, well, I'm what Bill Cosby would say is a 'fill, fouth, filth, foul Chrisitian'. Doesn't really seem like the two should be lumped together.
I admit this character flaw for several reasons. First of all, just to remind us that I'm no expert on anything; except maybe cursing. And make no mistake, it's not my only flaw. :-) Secondly, to confess this openly is like telling a secret I've had for some time. Of course it's about as good a secret as saying Hillary Clinton is running in 2008 for President; duh. Finally, I just want you all to know that this isn't something I'm proud of and in fact it has led me to believe that I'm pretty worthless as a believer in Christ and really have nothing to offer anyone. Yeah, it does that to me. It is simply a battle that I can't seem to win and wish to no longer fight. In feeling this way I have felt that God has no use for me and would simply turn his nose up to me at the very mention of me doing anything with Him. I just don't feel worthy at times. I don't know who I am. More importantly, I'm not sure Who's I am.
Here's where my recent readings have helped me. Especially the things written by George MacDonald. I recently read some stuff by him that has caused me to pause and rethink 'who I am' and 'what I'm worth' to God. MacDonald goes to great pains to tell us that it isn't necessarily what we're made up of, but what we're made for that gives us our worth.
"For He regards men not as they are merely, but as they shall be; not as they shall be merely, but as they are now growing, or capable of growing toward that image after which he made them that they might grow to it....The truth of the flower is, not the facts about it, be they correct as ideal science itself, but the shining, glowing, gladdening, patient thing throned on its stalk--the compeller of smile and tear..... The idea of God is the flower: His idea is not the botany of the flower. Its botany is but a thing of ways and means--of canvas and color and brush in relation to the picture in the painter's brain.... The truth of a thing, then, is the blossom of it, the thing it is made for.."
I don't believe in excusing poor behavior. I don't believe in it for myself or for others. However, I am compelled to admit that I'm starting to 'understand' that myself and many others have some reasons for why we/they behave in a certain way. Face it folks, we all have SOMETHING. It may not be cussing. It may be lust, greed, selfishness, pride, seeing everyone with the eyes of judgment or even simple gossip. But we do have something that makes us up and keeps us from being who we can be; mainly because we allow it to become the THING about us and we forget who we really are. It is this constant battling between what I do and what I am supposed to do that has caused me to lose sight of who I am. I do believe that nature and nurture are both vitally important in the development of anyone. I'm starting to think nature plays a bigger role than I may have wanted to believe previously. But here's the thing. No matter what our condition, God knows. No matter how hard the battle, God knows. No matter how many times we fail, God knows. And what is it He knows? He knows the blossom that you will be not just simply the botany of you. That is why in my previous post I so highlighted the fact that we can't simply try to sit around and figure everything out. Eventually we need to get on with the thing of getting to know Jesus. CS Lewis in his book Mere Christianity puts it this way.
" But if you are a poor creature- poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual, perversion- nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends-do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all-not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)"
Now, in no way is there an excuse for the behavior, just the knowledge that God knows what circumstances you have gone through and He may yet have a use for you/me. MacDonald says of wrongdoing that "No man is condemned for anything he has done, he is condemned for continuing to do wrong." For me, this means that while God may know the reason for my cursing and many other sins, and while He may still have a great use for me, there should be no lull in me trying to be a better person and improve my faults. I can't wait to be 'fixed' to do His will. But this is ONLY going to happen if I grow in my relationship with HIM and I quit trying to 'figure me out'. This is where the Church should come in. I shouldn't have to go to Church to realize what a wretch I am, for I know all about that already. I should be able to go and find the Truth that will help free me from my wretched behavior. I need loved, spots and all. How many 'sinners' are we casting aside because they don't measure up to our 'standards'? Are you kidding me? I've said this before but if we get rid of all the 'sinners' in Church, then what are you all going to be doing on Sundays from now on? I don't mean to be harsh but some Churches and some Church folks need a bit of a 'spiritual reality check'. Are we really helping sex addicts? Are we really helping alcoholics? Are we really helping drug abusers? I can't answer that for you, but I know that I'm not doing my part. I can answer this; most people really don't have an idea of who they are because the messages are getting too jumbled. We are either saved by Grace or we aren't. We are either supposed to love one another or we aren't. We are either supposed to lead people to a better relationship with Jesus or we aren't. We're either all sinners or I need to just say 'check please' and go about my merry away and be done with this Christianity thing. Because if it's not about loving others and serving God, then would someone please tell me what we're supposed to be doing?
Most people really don't know that they have a worth that is above the most precious of stones; that's greater than even their sins. Most people feel lost and dirty and useless. Here's the thing: it's not about 'most' people, it's about all of us. All of us need Jesus. I don't care if you're an elder or a casual drinker of beer. We can either build each other up and walk with each other as we get to know this Jesus person better or a pox on all of us. You are valuable. You are precious. You are needing a Savior and save you He has. Spend some time with Him and get to know who you really are. You'll also get to know everyone else around you a bit better as well. And then be in awe of the 'awesome blossoms'. :-)
Growing up the son-of-a-preacher-man (cue the song), I have always been around the Church and it's teachings. While a great deal of doctrine has been good for me the one that seems to occupy most of my mind and time is that of sin. I have never felt worthy to be called a Christian and I've always wondered if I should just lose the title and move on to something else less hypocritical; like physics. Since about 5th grade I have been an avid cusser. To me it has become a language that I'm as fluent in as Bush is in Spanish; ok, I'm better at cussing than Bush is at speaking Spanish. I respond to most times of stress, aggravation, exhaustion, my teams losing, etc. with a wondrous string of expletives that would make Eddie Murphy proud. Some folks are 'golly Christians'; some are 'darn Christians'; some are 'damn Christians' and I'm, well, I'm what Bill Cosby would say is a 'fill, fouth, filth, foul Chrisitian'. Doesn't really seem like the two should be lumped together.
I admit this character flaw for several reasons. First of all, just to remind us that I'm no expert on anything; except maybe cursing. And make no mistake, it's not my only flaw. :-) Secondly, to confess this openly is like telling a secret I've had for some time. Of course it's about as good a secret as saying Hillary Clinton is running in 2008 for President; duh. Finally, I just want you all to know that this isn't something I'm proud of and in fact it has led me to believe that I'm pretty worthless as a believer in Christ and really have nothing to offer anyone. Yeah, it does that to me. It is simply a battle that I can't seem to win and wish to no longer fight. In feeling this way I have felt that God has no use for me and would simply turn his nose up to me at the very mention of me doing anything with Him. I just don't feel worthy at times. I don't know who I am. More importantly, I'm not sure Who's I am.
Here's where my recent readings have helped me. Especially the things written by George MacDonald. I recently read some stuff by him that has caused me to pause and rethink 'who I am' and 'what I'm worth' to God. MacDonald goes to great pains to tell us that it isn't necessarily what we're made up of, but what we're made for that gives us our worth.
"For He regards men not as they are merely, but as they shall be; not as they shall be merely, but as they are now growing, or capable of growing toward that image after which he made them that they might grow to it....The truth of the flower is, not the facts about it, be they correct as ideal science itself, but the shining, glowing, gladdening, patient thing throned on its stalk--the compeller of smile and tear..... The idea of God is the flower: His idea is not the botany of the flower. Its botany is but a thing of ways and means--of canvas and color and brush in relation to the picture in the painter's brain.... The truth of a thing, then, is the blossom of it, the thing it is made for.."
I don't believe in excusing poor behavior. I don't believe in it for myself or for others. However, I am compelled to admit that I'm starting to 'understand' that myself and many others have some reasons for why we/they behave in a certain way. Face it folks, we all have SOMETHING. It may not be cussing. It may be lust, greed, selfishness, pride, seeing everyone with the eyes of judgment or even simple gossip. But we do have something that makes us up and keeps us from being who we can be; mainly because we allow it to become the THING about us and we forget who we really are. It is this constant battling between what I do and what I am supposed to do that has caused me to lose sight of who I am. I do believe that nature and nurture are both vitally important in the development of anyone. I'm starting to think nature plays a bigger role than I may have wanted to believe previously. But here's the thing. No matter what our condition, God knows. No matter how hard the battle, God knows. No matter how many times we fail, God knows. And what is it He knows? He knows the blossom that you will be not just simply the botany of you. That is why in my previous post I so highlighted the fact that we can't simply try to sit around and figure everything out. Eventually we need to get on with the thing of getting to know Jesus. CS Lewis in his book Mere Christianity puts it this way.
" But if you are a poor creature- poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual, perversion- nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends-do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all-not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)"
Now, in no way is there an excuse for the behavior, just the knowledge that God knows what circumstances you have gone through and He may yet have a use for you/me. MacDonald says of wrongdoing that "No man is condemned for anything he has done, he is condemned for continuing to do wrong." For me, this means that while God may know the reason for my cursing and many other sins, and while He may still have a great use for me, there should be no lull in me trying to be a better person and improve my faults. I can't wait to be 'fixed' to do His will. But this is ONLY going to happen if I grow in my relationship with HIM and I quit trying to 'figure me out'. This is where the Church should come in. I shouldn't have to go to Church to realize what a wretch I am, for I know all about that already. I should be able to go and find the Truth that will help free me from my wretched behavior. I need loved, spots and all. How many 'sinners' are we casting aside because they don't measure up to our 'standards'? Are you kidding me? I've said this before but if we get rid of all the 'sinners' in Church, then what are you all going to be doing on Sundays from now on? I don't mean to be harsh but some Churches and some Church folks need a bit of a 'spiritual reality check'. Are we really helping sex addicts? Are we really helping alcoholics? Are we really helping drug abusers? I can't answer that for you, but I know that I'm not doing my part. I can answer this; most people really don't have an idea of who they are because the messages are getting too jumbled. We are either saved by Grace or we aren't. We are either supposed to love one another or we aren't. We are either supposed to lead people to a better relationship with Jesus or we aren't. We're either all sinners or I need to just say 'check please' and go about my merry away and be done with this Christianity thing. Because if it's not about loving others and serving God, then would someone please tell me what we're supposed to be doing?
Most people really don't know that they have a worth that is above the most precious of stones; that's greater than even their sins. Most people feel lost and dirty and useless. Here's the thing: it's not about 'most' people, it's about all of us. All of us need Jesus. I don't care if you're an elder or a casual drinker of beer. We can either build each other up and walk with each other as we get to know this Jesus person better or a pox on all of us. You are valuable. You are precious. You are needing a Savior and save you He has. Spend some time with Him and get to know who you really are. You'll also get to know everyone else around you a bit better as well. And then be in awe of the 'awesome blossoms'. :-)
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Can We Handle 'The Truth'?
view here: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/109067/a_few_good_men/ (*language*)
I get chills every time I watch this exchange. Why? There are several reasons. First of all, I love court room dramas. Why I work for the railroad and never went to law school I still don't know. Secondly, Jack Nicholson brings an intensity to the scene that earned him an Oscar nomination. Finally, there is something about that line, 'You can't handle the truth' that haunts me. I remember preaching a sermon using this scene. It was based on the book of Job and how at the end of the day Job couldn't handle 'the truth' he said he kept seeking. The truth of his life and of the universe almost broke him.
Once again I have been facing this question of 'Truth'. In reading George MacDonald, Donald Miller and CS Lewis I am beginning to form an opinion of what the Truth is that may not be popular in a mainstream church. This idea is not unique with me because, as I mentioned, it has evolved through the writings of the previously mentioned authors. I think the Church, though it does a ton of great things, has missed 'the truth' to some degree. I think that most Christians, including myself, have missed the entire point of Jesus and who He really is and what He really is.
The Bible is an amazing work of literature; it's historical, poetic, prophetic and emotionally heart wrenching and at times, humorous. In 2 Timothy chapter 3 starting at about verse 14 or so, (I will quote using Eugene Peterson's 'The Message') it says: "There's nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another--showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God's way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us."
The Bible is unmistakably important to our lives. Through the Bible we can find our way.... but our way to what? The Truth. But the question then becomes, 'what is the truth?'. Is it the Bible itself or the source of the Bible, God himself revealed in the person of Jesus? The mistake I think we have made is that instead of the Bible leading us to 'the truth', we have put all the value on the verses we read and not the source of those verses. The problem, I think with that is that I can give a verse to 4 different people and they will come up with 4 different answers as to what the verse may mean. Why do you think we have hundreds of denominations? Why do you think we have some that say water baptism is essential for salvation and others say it's not. Why do you think the Catholics so value communion and other faiths do not think it should be a weekly activity? How in the world could we have ever gotten the 'Health and Wealth' belief if not for splicing certain verses together that we convinced ourselves that to be 'rich' was to have health and money? I have grown so tired of arguing over scripture that I can't even begin to tell you my frustration over this matter. We search and search the words and never really decide on a direction to go. Or worse yet, we decide on taking a path that is so far from Christ we might as well worship purple monkeys. (I mean no offense to any purple monkeys that may read this blog) MacDonald says several things about the matter.
MacDonald says of the Bible, " But herein the Bible itself is greatly wronged. It nowhere lays claim to be regarded as the Word, the Way, the Truth. The Bible leads us to Jesus, the inexhaustible, the ever unfolding Revelation of God. It is Christ 'in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge,' not the Bible, save as leading to Him."
MacDonald is a big believer in, 'quit arguing about it and do something that reflects Jesus to others'. He says, "Instead of so knowing Christ that they have Him in them saving them, they lie wasting themselves in soul-sickening self examination as to whether they are believers (and what they believe), whether they are really trusting in the atonement, whether they are truly sorry for their sins--the way to madness of the brain, and despair of the heart. Instead of asking yourself whether you believe or not, ask yourself whether you have this day done ONE THING because He said, Do it, or once abstained because He said, do not do it. It is simply absurd to say you believe, or even want to believe in Him, if you do not do anything He tells you."
Ouch. I truly believe that even in the church we have people spending all their time in self evaluation and self pity because they are sinners and need to understand all the creeds of the church before they can actually serve Christ. I know what a sinner I am, believe me. I have spent the majority of my christian walk trying to figure out why I do what I do and how I can fix me. Well, in the meantime a lot of things don't get done. I have also spent so much time trying to figure out who's right in all the theological arguments over abortion, gay rights, war, the death penalty, etc. that I do very little in actually ministering Jesus' love to others. I don't mean to sound like a thundering liberal (because I am a registered Republican) :-) but at some point we should quit arguing theology and actually feed the hungry, love the loveless, shelter the homeless and care for the sinners among us. It's about finding 'the truth'; Jesus and then deciding on whether or not we can handle what He has for us.
In his book, 'Blue Like Jazz' Donald Miller has some pointed things to say about 'true' belief. "Here is the trick, and here is my point. Satan, who I believe exists as much as I believe Jesus exists, wants us to believe meaningless things for meaningless reasons. Can you imagine if Christians actually believed that God was trying to rescue us from the pit of our own self-addiction? Can you imagine? Can you imagine what Americans would do if they understood over half the world was living in poverty? Do you think they would change the way they live, the products the purchase, and the politicians the elect? If we believed the right things, the 'true' things, there wouldn't be very many problems on earth. But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. And there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if I actually believe these things I have to do something about them."
I think that going to Church for the wrong reasons gets us to start believing and doing meaningless things. Going to church for meaningless reasons is well, meaningless. If we go because we are supposed to, it's meaningless. If we go because we are on the worship team, it's meaningless. If we go because people will call and ask us why we weren't there, it's meaningless. But if we are going to seek the truth in our lives and want to share in this journey with others, then it's priceless. We (my family) skip church every now and then and you know what? It's great. We don't fight trying to get the kids ready. We don't wake up angry. We don't rush around trying to get lunch plans made. We spend time together as a family and it's awesome. I would suggest it to anyone that once in a while, take time for the wife and kids instead of going to the exact same service you went to last week. If you catch any grief simply shout, 'YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!'. It won't have any relevance to the conversation but it does shock people. :-)
Here's another thought from Miller. " A friend of mine, a young pastor who recently started a church, talks to me from time to time about the new face of church in America--about the postmodern church. He says the new church will be different from the old one, that we will be relevant to culture and the human struggle. I don't think any church has ever been relevant to culture, to the human struggle, unless it believed in Jesus and the power of His gospel. If the supposed new church believes in trendy music and cool web pages, then it is not relevant to culture either. It is just another tool of Satan to get people to be passionate about nothing."
The Church is a great thing. But one thing that's not great about it is how divided it is and how divided it has made us. We are so bogged down in 'discovery' via sermons and Bible studies that we don't actually minister to a living soul and we never get ministered to by the source of all Truth. And that is not a good thing. I'll end with a scene from MacDonald's book 'Thomas Wingfold: Curate". Wingfold, the local pastor, has been confronted by a wise old dwarf Palworth who knows that Thomas is stealing his sermons from others. He gives Thomas a long, wonderful speech about what he should be seeking instead of spending time in the Bible simply to come up with sermons. Thomas had always been a student of the Bible, but was still missing something; the truth. Palworth says: "Ah! Mr. Wingfold, what if, after all the discoveries are made, and all the theories are set up and pulled down--what if, after all this, the strongest weapon a man can wield is prayer to the one who made him!..... Before long there came to me also the two same questions you asked: How do I know there is a God at all? and How am I to know that such a man as Jesus ever lived? I could answer neither. But in the meantime I was reading the story--was drawn to the Man, and was trying to understand his being, and character, and the principles of his life and action. To sum it all up, not many months had passed before I had forgotten to seek an answer to either question: they were in fact no longer questions. I had seen the man Jesus Christ, and in him had known the Father of him and of me."
The truth is in Jesus. Seek Him and you'll find the truth for your lives. I don't know if it will last for me; I can only pray it does. But I know this: since taking this path to the truth, my life has a bit more peace in it. My marriage is better. My attitude is better. I know that I'm a sinner and that I don't have all the answers. But the source for those answers I do know. The question really is for me, 'will I be able to handle the Truth?'
To be continued......
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Say Nothing
One of my favorite movies ever is 'Say Anything' with John Cusack. It's a great coming-to-age movie that is filled with great quotes and memorable moments. If you've ever seen anyone hold a radio above their head and play 'In your eyes' by Peter Gabriel, then you know one of these moments. If you don't know that moment... you didn't grow up in the 80's and 90's and should rent the movie.I thought about this movie recently after having several conversations with people at home, work, on the phone, etc about religion and theology. It seems everyone believes something a little different when it comes to the 'things of God'. You all know a lot of my views from these blogs. You also may have picked up on a theme that I really don't think I know that much and I'm not sure I'll ever have it figured out totally.It can be overwhelming when someone asks you 'What do you believe about.....' or 'What are you going to do when.....'. In trying to go through all my doubts, convictions, hypocrisy, dogmas and other musings I usually just wish I could love Jesus and have Him love me. It really seems that it should be that simple, but the world will not allowfor such a relationship. You have to know all the facts; you have to know every Bible verse and all the evidence that supportssuch views. You have to be able to pronounce fancy words and complicated theological theories and philosophies. And God help you if you don't know the difference between a hymn and a chorus.There is a scene in 'Say Anything' that I love. The main character, Lloyd Dobbler is meeting his girlfriends father for the first time. Jim, the father, is having several friends over for dinner and they begin to inquire of Lloyd what his goals are in life. Lloyd is obviously 'out of place' in this setting and after making an attempt to placate the questioners, he simply sums up his goal.
ACCOUNTANT: So Lloyd, you graduated Lakeside, right?
LLOYD Yes sir.
ACCOUNTANT What are you going to do now?
JIM Yeah Lloyd. What are your plans for the future?
LLOYD Spend as much time as possible with Diane before she leaves.
JIM Seriously, Lloyd.
LLOYD I'm totally and completely serious.
JIM No, really.
LLOYD You mean like career? Uh, I don't know. I've, I've thought about this quite a bit sir, and I'd have to say considering what's waiting out there for me, I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or... process anything sold, bought or processed, or repair anything sold, bought or processed, you know, as a career I don't want to do that. So, uh, my father's in the army, he wants me to join, but I can't work for that corporation, so what I've been doing lately is kickboxing, which is really a, uh, new sport, but I think it's got a good future. As far as career longevity goes, I don't really know, because, you know, you can't really tell. Your training sticks (?) as a fighter, you know, but it's no good, you know, you have to be great, but I can't really tell if I'm great until I've had a couple of pro fights. But I haven't been knocked out yet. (everyone looking confused)I don't know, I can't figure it all out tonight sir, I'm just going to hang with your daughter.
The guests exchange nervous glances.
Why I love this is because this is what too many churches do to 'average people'. As soon as they show interest in their church they begin to bombard them with questions of faith and theology. We want people to have it all 'figured out'. We, in the church, have this idea of what the average churchperson should be like. We think they should have strong opinions of politics, money, abortion, gay marriage, divorce, TV violencedrinking, smoking, etc. We want them to fall in line with our line of thinking and when they don't necessarily fall in that linewe stare at them and wonder why they are so 'strange'.The reality of it is this: most people that believe in Jesus and fall in love with Jesus, at the end of the day, just really only want to 'hang with Jesus'. It's not a bad philosophy really. We can get way to bogged down in each of our denominations 'key talking points'. The Catholics have confession and communion. The Baptists have water Baptism.The Calvinists have 'Election'. And we Quakers have our peace and 'quiet time'. I'm not talking down to any of those beliefs. I'm just saying that when faced with so many different options in the Christian faith and so many different ideas within each of those denominations and faiths, I usually just want to say, 'you know, I can't figure it all out tonight sir, I'm just going to hang with Jesus'.
ACCOUNTANT: So Lloyd, you graduated Lakeside, right?
LLOYD Yes sir.
ACCOUNTANT What are you going to do now?
JIM Yeah Lloyd. What are your plans for the future?
LLOYD Spend as much time as possible with Diane before she leaves.
JIM Seriously, Lloyd.
LLOYD I'm totally and completely serious.
JIM No, really.
LLOYD You mean like career? Uh, I don't know. I've, I've thought about this quite a bit sir, and I'd have to say considering what's waiting out there for me, I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or... process anything sold, bought or processed, or repair anything sold, bought or processed, you know, as a career I don't want to do that. So, uh, my father's in the army, he wants me to join, but I can't work for that corporation, so what I've been doing lately is kickboxing, which is really a, uh, new sport, but I think it's got a good future. As far as career longevity goes, I don't really know, because, you know, you can't really tell. Your training sticks (?) as a fighter, you know, but it's no good, you know, you have to be great, but I can't really tell if I'm great until I've had a couple of pro fights. But I haven't been knocked out yet. (everyone looking confused)I don't know, I can't figure it all out tonight sir, I'm just going to hang with your daughter.
The guests exchange nervous glances.
Why I love this is because this is what too many churches do to 'average people'. As soon as they show interest in their church they begin to bombard them with questions of faith and theology. We want people to have it all 'figured out'. We, in the church, have this idea of what the average churchperson should be like. We think they should have strong opinions of politics, money, abortion, gay marriage, divorce, TV violencedrinking, smoking, etc. We want them to fall in line with our line of thinking and when they don't necessarily fall in that linewe stare at them and wonder why they are so 'strange'.The reality of it is this: most people that believe in Jesus and fall in love with Jesus, at the end of the day, just really only want to 'hang with Jesus'. It's not a bad philosophy really. We can get way to bogged down in each of our denominations 'key talking points'. The Catholics have confession and communion. The Baptists have water Baptism.The Calvinists have 'Election'. And we Quakers have our peace and 'quiet time'. I'm not talking down to any of those beliefs. I'm just saying that when faced with so many different options in the Christian faith and so many different ideas within each of those denominations and faiths, I usually just want to say, 'you know, I can't figure it all out tonight sir, I'm just going to hang with Jesus'.
Monday, October 16, 2006
A Mid-Life Marriage
I'm sure that those who know how old I am would question me on why I consider myself 'middle aged'. I'm 'only' 37 years old, can still grow hair, not necessarily on my head--I still have most of my teeth and I know the words to several 'Nickleback' songs. If you don't know who Nickleback is, then maybe you are old. Just kidding. But for those that 'really' know me, know that if I can make it to 74, then I'm doing well. There are several reasons why saying that I'm middle-aged at 37 might be too optimistic for me.
First of all I free base brown gravy with more dedication than your best Heroin addict. I'm best friends with anyone that cooks big, thick slices of well fried bacon. I tend to be about an 8.5 on the 10.0 stress scale... ok, I'm a 9. I like vegetables... that are cooked with a vat of butter and topped off with the aforementioned bacon. I also drive a diesel so the environmentalists will tell me that cancer is inevitable. I talk a lot on my cell phone which will surely lead to brain cancer, or driving off a bridge because I'm distracted. I work for the railroad which is one of the most dangerous jobs when it comes to getting injured or killed. And finally, I live in an era where Brittany Spears, Hillary Duff and Paris Hilton have all made millions in the music industry. I should die on principle alone if nothing else.
The point is, I'm just feeling 'different'. I feel very out of place in our world right now. The music I love isn't even recognized by 'young people'. The athletes I grew up loving are old men.... well, they're middle-aged anyway. I still think Cheers is a great show. If I had my way all Play Stations would be destroyed and kids would have to get ball bats, go outside and hit rocks. Yes, my kids have a play station... I didn't say I wasn't a hypocrite.
It's not just external things that have made me feel like something's off. My insides are struggling with some pretty basic, but serious, middle aged questions. When it comes to 'what I do', I am feeling that maybe I'm at a point where there is no more room for growth. I make a pretty good salary and for the job I work there isn't any opportunity of making more other than our yearly $1 a day raise. I often feel like, 'so this is it? This is what I went to college for four years for? This is where all my childhood dreams have found me? This is where I get to make my mark on the world? Bummer.
Everyone that knows me knows I love my wife. She's far better than I deserve and anyone with more sense than your average opossum would know it. But something there even feels 'off'. Konnie and I have talked at length about this so all you chatty Kathys that want to rumor and worry about us should get over yourselves; we're fine. :-) I think every young man thinks of marriage at some point. Ok, some think of 'civil unions' but that's a whole other blog. What is it that every guy wants in a wife? Well, someone that's thoughtful is a plus. A gal that can put several words together and form a sentence that doesn't always end with 'ya know?' A woman that has a gift of cooking is always a benefit, though saying that sounds like I'm saying 'a woman that's always in the kitchen' and that's not what I'm saying. She doesn't have to stay there all day of course. ;-) For those that dream of children we hope for a great mom to the heirs of our fortune. My kids were blessed with a mom that can read. My youngest Kenyon wanted a book read to him one night and Konnie said, 'see if Daddy will read it to you'. Kenyon, with all seriousness, said with a tone of pity, 'Mom, Daddy can't read'. So, reading is apparently a good thing.
A God fearing woman is a great thing. Check out Proverbs for more excellent features to be found in a great woman; there's also some words of caution too.
But at the end of the day I think all guys really think about when they are young is something so simple is seems that it would guarantee success in finding a mate. While all those 'other' attributes are a great thing in a wife, the thing we really wanted is..... say it with me.... our very own 'Naked Person'. Yes, we are that simple and we are that primal. Face it, if I wanted conversations that were about things I was interested in (not that I'm not interested when we talk honey), watching games with someone or listening to the latest solo by Joe Satriani, I would have never quit being Seth Roe's roommate. I would live in a college dorm room for the rest of my life. But there is something about how God made us and how God made girls that made us go, 'whoa!' There's something about the beauty of a woman that trumps any basketball or football game. There is something so hypnotizing about the look of an 'interested woman' that makes us speak in unintelligible languages, trip over obvious furniture, watch 'Sleepless in Seattle' and actually dare to say, 'That Oprah, she's something else huh?'. It's all because we were alone and God gave us Eve.
Don't mistake me or my words. I'm not trying to make all men out to be pigs and all women out to be merely objects of desire. I'm just saying that when we first jumped on this boat called 'relationships and dating' we had an idea of where the destination was going to be. We started off thinking warm, fluffy thoughts and about 5-10 years into it we start going, 'so, this is it?'. Again, It says nothing of how great our wives really are; for they are truly wonderful creations of God. Beautifully wrapped miracles they are indeed. It simply says how 'off' our nature is in accordance with God's plan. It also says that nothing, not even our very own naked person, can fill that God shaped void in our souls.
I read recently how there are now more single people in the US than there are married people. Of course you know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and that a whopping 60% experience one or the other (husband or wife) having an affair. The stats are also overwhelming that it's the husband that will cheat. Sure, I can sit here and scoff and arrogantly say that , 'I will never cheat on my wife', (she always tells me that a) I could never tell her and b) that she gets half), but I have to look at the stats and at least 'pay attention' to warning signs. I find myself getting annoyed with many 'little things' in my marriage. Things that just don't matter. I find that I will investigate the house and find something to complain to Konnie about. I find that when we don't have sex I take it as she is no longer interested in me and that it's just not worth ever asking for it again. DRAMA QUEEN! I find that I think my friends probably don't have to 'endure' such unbearable hardships like I do. Turns out, we all do. It's not because we have bad wives. Again, something's not right in the soul. True, we probably would like more romance. We probably would like to be told that we look hot in that outfit. We probably would like to be held more but.... Hang on, I need to check if I'm actually a man after writing all that.
I've said all that just to say this: Marriage is a lot of freaking work. It takes things I don't have much of; patience, kindness, understanding and an appetite for vegetables. If it was just simply about having my own 'naked person', things would be much easier. But I'm often reminded of a CS Lewis quote: 'Everything worth having is hard.' Relationships aren't easy. Going through a mid life crisis isn't easy. Trying to find your place half way though this life, isn't easy. Growing in your faith, isn't easy. But you know what's really hard? Living WITH ME!
God bless that woman!
First of all I free base brown gravy with more dedication than your best Heroin addict. I'm best friends with anyone that cooks big, thick slices of well fried bacon. I tend to be about an 8.5 on the 10.0 stress scale... ok, I'm a 9. I like vegetables... that are cooked with a vat of butter and topped off with the aforementioned bacon. I also drive a diesel so the environmentalists will tell me that cancer is inevitable. I talk a lot on my cell phone which will surely lead to brain cancer, or driving off a bridge because I'm distracted. I work for the railroad which is one of the most dangerous jobs when it comes to getting injured or killed. And finally, I live in an era where Brittany Spears, Hillary Duff and Paris Hilton have all made millions in the music industry. I should die on principle alone if nothing else.
The point is, I'm just feeling 'different'. I feel very out of place in our world right now. The music I love isn't even recognized by 'young people'. The athletes I grew up loving are old men.... well, they're middle-aged anyway. I still think Cheers is a great show. If I had my way all Play Stations would be destroyed and kids would have to get ball bats, go outside and hit rocks. Yes, my kids have a play station... I didn't say I wasn't a hypocrite.
It's not just external things that have made me feel like something's off. My insides are struggling with some pretty basic, but serious, middle aged questions. When it comes to 'what I do', I am feeling that maybe I'm at a point where there is no more room for growth. I make a pretty good salary and for the job I work there isn't any opportunity of making more other than our yearly $1 a day raise. I often feel like, 'so this is it? This is what I went to college for four years for? This is where all my childhood dreams have found me? This is where I get to make my mark on the world? Bummer.
Everyone that knows me knows I love my wife. She's far better than I deserve and anyone with more sense than your average opossum would know it. But something there even feels 'off'. Konnie and I have talked at length about this so all you chatty Kathys that want to rumor and worry about us should get over yourselves; we're fine. :-) I think every young man thinks of marriage at some point. Ok, some think of 'civil unions' but that's a whole other blog. What is it that every guy wants in a wife? Well, someone that's thoughtful is a plus. A gal that can put several words together and form a sentence that doesn't always end with 'ya know?' A woman that has a gift of cooking is always a benefit, though saying that sounds like I'm saying 'a woman that's always in the kitchen' and that's not what I'm saying. She doesn't have to stay there all day of course. ;-) For those that dream of children we hope for a great mom to the heirs of our fortune. My kids were blessed with a mom that can read. My youngest Kenyon wanted a book read to him one night and Konnie said, 'see if Daddy will read it to you'. Kenyon, with all seriousness, said with a tone of pity, 'Mom, Daddy can't read'. So, reading is apparently a good thing.
A God fearing woman is a great thing. Check out Proverbs for more excellent features to be found in a great woman; there's also some words of caution too.
But at the end of the day I think all guys really think about when they are young is something so simple is seems that it would guarantee success in finding a mate. While all those 'other' attributes are a great thing in a wife, the thing we really wanted is..... say it with me.... our very own 'Naked Person'. Yes, we are that simple and we are that primal. Face it, if I wanted conversations that were about things I was interested in (not that I'm not interested when we talk honey), watching games with someone or listening to the latest solo by Joe Satriani, I would have never quit being Seth Roe's roommate. I would live in a college dorm room for the rest of my life. But there is something about how God made us and how God made girls that made us go, 'whoa!' There's something about the beauty of a woman that trumps any basketball or football game. There is something so hypnotizing about the look of an 'interested woman' that makes us speak in unintelligible languages, trip over obvious furniture, watch 'Sleepless in Seattle' and actually dare to say, 'That Oprah, she's something else huh?'. It's all because we were alone and God gave us Eve.
Don't mistake me or my words. I'm not trying to make all men out to be pigs and all women out to be merely objects of desire. I'm just saying that when we first jumped on this boat called 'relationships and dating' we had an idea of where the destination was going to be. We started off thinking warm, fluffy thoughts and about 5-10 years into it we start going, 'so, this is it?'. Again, It says nothing of how great our wives really are; for they are truly wonderful creations of God. Beautifully wrapped miracles they are indeed. It simply says how 'off' our nature is in accordance with God's plan. It also says that nothing, not even our very own naked person, can fill that God shaped void in our souls.
I read recently how there are now more single people in the US than there are married people. Of course you know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and that a whopping 60% experience one or the other (husband or wife) having an affair. The stats are also overwhelming that it's the husband that will cheat. Sure, I can sit here and scoff and arrogantly say that , 'I will never cheat on my wife', (she always tells me that a) I could never tell her and b) that she gets half), but I have to look at the stats and at least 'pay attention' to warning signs. I find myself getting annoyed with many 'little things' in my marriage. Things that just don't matter. I find that I will investigate the house and find something to complain to Konnie about. I find that when we don't have sex I take it as she is no longer interested in me and that it's just not worth ever asking for it again. DRAMA QUEEN! I find that I think my friends probably don't have to 'endure' such unbearable hardships like I do. Turns out, we all do. It's not because we have bad wives. Again, something's not right in the soul. True, we probably would like more romance. We probably would like to be told that we look hot in that outfit. We probably would like to be held more but.... Hang on, I need to check if I'm actually a man after writing all that.
I've said all that just to say this: Marriage is a lot of freaking work. It takes things I don't have much of; patience, kindness, understanding and an appetite for vegetables. If it was just simply about having my own 'naked person', things would be much easier. But I'm often reminded of a CS Lewis quote: 'Everything worth having is hard.' Relationships aren't easy. Going through a mid life crisis isn't easy. Trying to find your place half way though this life, isn't easy. Growing in your faith, isn't easy. But you know what's really hard? Living WITH ME!
God bless that woman!
Monday, October 09, 2006
Defeating Self and Addiction
As many of you know I am reading a ton of stuff by the Scottish writer, George MacDonald. MacDonald wrote most of his stuff from the mid to late 1800's. His writings were so cutting edge that he was basically run out of the ministry because he went against 'traditional doctrine'. The man was/is revolutionary in his thinking and his theology. His novels, fairy tales and sermons are an amazing read. Most of what I'm reading are the edited versions of his writings by the author Michael Phillips. MacDonald's original writings are more than most people can handle in tone and language.
Recently I've been reading MacDonald's thoughts on the self and the will. He talks about how these two things must be separated not just simply so they can't speak with one another, but they need to be in different universes all together. In talking about the self and what it's motives are towards us, I think he hits on something that can help every addict I've ever known. I have addictions and I have family members whose lives have been controlled and in some ways, ruined by addictions of various kinds. I do believe that many struggles are chemical and that it takes quiet a long process to recover from these dependencies. I also believe very strongly that if you don't enlist the help of God, whatever you may 'overcome', you really never will 'overcome' the real problem: self.
What does our self and our will do with one another that leads so many of us in making poor choices; choices like drink, drugs, pornography, violence, etc? Philips, in response to MacDonald's writings on the matter says, 'the self is the seat of our wants and desires, our fleshly and soulish inclinations. The will is the seat of our decision-making power, that place within us where choices are made..... for most the moment the desire is felt, the decision is made. I want, therefore I will. The self and will, functioning in complete harness and unity, act as a single expression of personhood.' Did you follow that? Basically we allow our 'self' to say that it 'wants' something. Then, without hesitation or consultation, the will says, 'I will have it'. The goal isn't to listen to the self and then have the will make better choices. No, the goal is to throw the self out on it's ears and have no more to say about anything. Philips says this, 'But if we hope to live as children of God, MacDonald says this equation must be recomputed. Decisions are no more to have anything to do with what the self wants or does not want.... The two do not see each other. They do not speak to one another. They exert no influence over the other. The planets (of self and will) have been gravitationally disconnected.'
Self denial isn't going to quit existing.... it's not going to quit saying 'I want'. Most people, MacDonald says, are under the false assumption that to die to sin is simply to give a bunch of stuff up. MacDonald says that now the 'I will' functions out of a different seat. The self is no longer allowed to have any voice or vote with the will and that a new equation comes about. Instead of 'I want, therefore I will' the self is now allowed to only say 'I want, therefore nothing'. The will then takes up the equation of 'He wants, therefore, I will'. Obviously the self is no longer pleased with it's demotion and a fight will take place. You know this fight don't you? I sure do. The fighting of the self to have it's way over your will is, at times, overwhelming and seemingly a battle that can't be won. I don't care if it's diet, alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, stealing, lying.... whatever the sin or vice may be, it will not die quietly. Philips says, 'All it's life it has controlled the will. Now to be told that its influence is over, dead, past---verily will it fight back! And so we too must meet the challenge boldly and head on, confronting its whimpers and arguments and lies with fortitude and determination. The equation for ruling self becomes: I want therefore..... QUIET! Away with you! You have no more say here!"
MacDonald writes to the self something that I think everyone fighting any addiction or simply fighting the battle of 'you over God' needs to read, perhaps daily. It truly puts self in it's place:
"Self, I do not have to consult you, but him whose idea is the soul of you, and of which as yet you are all unworthy. I have to do, not with you, but with the source of you, by whom it is that any moment you exist. He is the causing of you, not the caused you. You may be my consciousness, but you are not my being. If you were, what a poor, miserable, dingy, weak wretch I should be! But my life is hid with Christ in God, whence it came and whither it is returning. You will return with me, certainly, but as an obedient servant, not a master.
Submit, or I will cast you from me and pray to have another consciousness given me. For God is more to me than my consciousness of myself. Here is my life, you are only so much of it as my poor half-made being can grasp--as much of it as I can know at once. Because I have fooled and spoiled you, treated you as if you were indeed my own self, you have dwindled yourself and have lessened me till I am ashamed of myself. If I were to heed what you say, I should soon be sick of you. Even now I am more and more disgusted with your paltry, mean face, which I meet at every turn. No! let me have the company of the Perfect One, not of you! He is my elder brother, the Living One! I will not make a friend of the mere shadow of my own being!
Good-bye, Self! I deny you, and will do my best every day to leave you behind me."
What a journey this may be for me. I'm only 2 days (Oct 9th) into it and it's already a huge battle. My self is big, fat and used to getting his way. He wants to say certain things and do certain things. Will I really be able to change? (whatever that means) I have to hope so. This isn't about giving up this or giving up that. It's about a different mindset entirely. I want to love people. I want to see people as Christ sees them. I'm one of the most judgmental people you could ever know. I'm really not nice to people that aren't like me. My Self thinks he's the king.... he's angry to be told that not only is he lowly, but he must be placed on the alter and sacrificed completely.
DING! DING!
Let the fight begin.
Recently I've been reading MacDonald's thoughts on the self and the will. He talks about how these two things must be separated not just simply so they can't speak with one another, but they need to be in different universes all together. In talking about the self and what it's motives are towards us, I think he hits on something that can help every addict I've ever known. I have addictions and I have family members whose lives have been controlled and in some ways, ruined by addictions of various kinds. I do believe that many struggles are chemical and that it takes quiet a long process to recover from these dependencies. I also believe very strongly that if you don't enlist the help of God, whatever you may 'overcome', you really never will 'overcome' the real problem: self.
What does our self and our will do with one another that leads so many of us in making poor choices; choices like drink, drugs, pornography, violence, etc? Philips, in response to MacDonald's writings on the matter says, 'the self is the seat of our wants and desires, our fleshly and soulish inclinations. The will is the seat of our decision-making power, that place within us where choices are made..... for most the moment the desire is felt, the decision is made. I want, therefore I will. The self and will, functioning in complete harness and unity, act as a single expression of personhood.' Did you follow that? Basically we allow our 'self' to say that it 'wants' something. Then, without hesitation or consultation, the will says, 'I will have it'. The goal isn't to listen to the self and then have the will make better choices. No, the goal is to throw the self out on it's ears and have no more to say about anything. Philips says this, 'But if we hope to live as children of God, MacDonald says this equation must be recomputed. Decisions are no more to have anything to do with what the self wants or does not want.... The two do not see each other. They do not speak to one another. They exert no influence over the other. The planets (of self and will) have been gravitationally disconnected.'
Self denial isn't going to quit existing.... it's not going to quit saying 'I want'. Most people, MacDonald says, are under the false assumption that to die to sin is simply to give a bunch of stuff up. MacDonald says that now the 'I will' functions out of a different seat. The self is no longer allowed to have any voice or vote with the will and that a new equation comes about. Instead of 'I want, therefore I will' the self is now allowed to only say 'I want, therefore nothing'. The will then takes up the equation of 'He wants, therefore, I will'. Obviously the self is no longer pleased with it's demotion and a fight will take place. You know this fight don't you? I sure do. The fighting of the self to have it's way over your will is, at times, overwhelming and seemingly a battle that can't be won. I don't care if it's diet, alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, stealing, lying.... whatever the sin or vice may be, it will not die quietly. Philips says, 'All it's life it has controlled the will. Now to be told that its influence is over, dead, past---verily will it fight back! And so we too must meet the challenge boldly and head on, confronting its whimpers and arguments and lies with fortitude and determination. The equation for ruling self becomes: I want therefore..... QUIET! Away with you! You have no more say here!"
MacDonald writes to the self something that I think everyone fighting any addiction or simply fighting the battle of 'you over God' needs to read, perhaps daily. It truly puts self in it's place:
"Self, I do not have to consult you, but him whose idea is the soul of you, and of which as yet you are all unworthy. I have to do, not with you, but with the source of you, by whom it is that any moment you exist. He is the causing of you, not the caused you. You may be my consciousness, but you are not my being. If you were, what a poor, miserable, dingy, weak wretch I should be! But my life is hid with Christ in God, whence it came and whither it is returning. You will return with me, certainly, but as an obedient servant, not a master.
Submit, or I will cast you from me and pray to have another consciousness given me. For God is more to me than my consciousness of myself. Here is my life, you are only so much of it as my poor half-made being can grasp--as much of it as I can know at once. Because I have fooled and spoiled you, treated you as if you were indeed my own self, you have dwindled yourself and have lessened me till I am ashamed of myself. If I were to heed what you say, I should soon be sick of you. Even now I am more and more disgusted with your paltry, mean face, which I meet at every turn. No! let me have the company of the Perfect One, not of you! He is my elder brother, the Living One! I will not make a friend of the mere shadow of my own being!
Good-bye, Self! I deny you, and will do my best every day to leave you behind me."
What a journey this may be for me. I'm only 2 days (Oct 9th) into it and it's already a huge battle. My self is big, fat and used to getting his way. He wants to say certain things and do certain things. Will I really be able to change? (whatever that means) I have to hope so. This isn't about giving up this or giving up that. It's about a different mindset entirely. I want to love people. I want to see people as Christ sees them. I'm one of the most judgmental people you could ever know. I'm really not nice to people that aren't like me. My Self thinks he's the king.... he's angry to be told that not only is he lowly, but he must be placed on the alter and sacrificed completely.
DING! DING!
Let the fight begin.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
"Shoot me first"
I have said many times in the past that I am prone to times of
'over-emotion'. I cry at the smallest things; acts of kindness, sappy
commercials, stupid movies, touching songs. I have always had in my
personality the ability, or disability as the case may be, to empathize
with people in any given situation. The past week those traits have
taken their toll on me and I now feel completely and utterly battered
to the point of exhaustion. I feel I have come to my cross roads and a
choice will have to be made.
The schoolhouse shootings in a little Amish community in Nickle Mines,
PA has brought me to my knees. I have cried several times over the
events that took place last week in that quiet schoolhouse. I know now
what it is when pure evil assaults pure innocence. And lest you should
ever doubt the presence of evil, look no farther than the events of
that day. Hugo Chavez, the underwhelming leader of Venezuela, called
President Bush, 'the devil'. He wishes that were the case. I'm afraid
Mr. Chavez will one day get the opportunity of meeting said devil and
I'm sure he'll wonder what he was thinking. No, you see the devil went
to Nickle Mines, PA and assaulted the mind of Charles Roberts; a little
man.
I have no earthly comprehension of what it takes for a man to shoot 10
little girls, killing at least 5 of them. I have nothing in me that
can possibly relate to just how depraved a man has to get to be able to
look into the eyes of a small angel and pull the trigger. There is
nothing within my knowledge of this universe that will ever satisfy my
question as to how he could have planned to rape 10 little girls. When
I picture that scene I see this vile human in the presence of
innocence. I see pure darkness in him and around him. I can see
demons whispering taunts in his ear. 'Do it!' 'You're worthless!'
'Kill them!' 'Coward!' I can see a cloud of fire circling above that
schoolhouse as a battle in the spirit world takes place. Forces bent
on causing death, destruction and ultimate fear are everywhere. They
are rejoicing that this weak, little man is now in their clutches and
is about to terrorize and destroy 10 little angels. They see victory.
It is the ultimate picture of evil tormenting good.
Then something happens. In the midst of total fear and evil; of
darkness and sexual perversion, one of the angels speaks. Knowing now
what the intentions are of this little man, she says something that
will forever change me; and if it doesn't than I am truly
unchangeable. She looks evil in the eye and says without hesitation,
"Shoot me first." Shoot me first? What? This from the lips of a 13
year old angel? Surely see will beg for her life. Surely she will
offer the man whatever he wants just so she can live. What about her
parents and friends? What about all her dreams of making it in this
world. She has so much to live for. Fight! Run! But.... 'Shoot me
first'.
This causes evil to recoil a bit. There seems to be no panic among the
angels. This can't be. How can this be? She doesn't know what she's
saying. Any minute they will all be screaming to live. But then
there's another voice. 'Shoot me second'. The screech of every evil
principality can be heard. 'NO!' Yet another angel, one only 8 years
old has offered herself to the little man. It seems that evil has once
again underestimated true faith. It seems that evil has never
understood those who are true in their faith and in the comfort that
Jesus gives them. These two girls were willing to be shot first and
then second as to buy just a bit more time for the others. And shot
they were. Defeated? Destroyed? I think not. I think God knows that
those little angels showed more faith and courage than any preacher
I've seen on TV lately.
You would think that anyone rational would be so moved at this display
of faith and sacrifice that they would instantly put down their weapon
and repent. But not the little man. No, he proceeded to shoot all 10
girls. Then the little man said, 'Pray for me' and shot himself to
complete
his ultimate act of cowardliness. Would it be that I get one day off
my life to be
able to go into the pits of hell and deal angry blows to this little
man. Vengeance. Justice. To harm the hair on one of these little
angels..... Oh to see him punished
The God raises His hand to me and says, 'I got this one'.
But with the first shots fired at the first two girls, it seems that he
wasn't able to have the time to 'make sure' all the girls were dead by
the time to police began to break through the windows. Did their act
of faith and sacrifice save some of the others? I believe it did.
"Shoot me first"... I'll never forget those words.
I have come now to fully realize just how false my faith is. I would
scowl at anyone that would dare call me a follower of Christ.
Everything in my actions on a daily basis says nothing of my faith but
simply that I am as nominal as they come. I don't raise my children to
have this sort of courage in Christ. In many ways I weep because I
feel like I'm partly to blame for what led to the little man killing
these angels. I support violence by what I watch. I support sexual
perversion by what I watch. I support despair because I do nothing to
encourage those around me. In many ways, I am the shooter.... we all
are. I am a little man.
How long will we be ok with this? How long will we be fine with the
fact that our faith means nothing to anyone, not even to us? You see,
I believe that I could change lives. I think God has gifted me in
areas of ministry and yet I would rather make more money to buy more
crap and have more bills. You see the Amish are so close to what I
think we are supposed to actually be like. They truly live in the
world but they are not of the world. Do you know that they invited the
little man's family to the funerals of the girls as a way of saying,
'we love you. You are our family and we forgive you'. Do you know
that they went to the parents of the little man and stayed for an hour
and held them as they said, 'we forgive all'. Are you serious? Never
again will anyone mock the Amish in my presence. They are the real
deal and those like me are the lukewarm church that will be spewed out
by God.
As I sat on the train tonight I wept. I had to hide my face from my
engineer because I was just too overwhelmed. As I listened to a song
by Keith Green called 'Your love broke through' , I was having a
'dream-like' sequence with God. In my dream I was running and yelling
to God:
"How long will you search for me God? How long will you look for me in
the muck and the mire? With every choice of road, I leave the straight
and narrow and go my own way. Here I am, I am in the swamps of life.
Can you even see me for my filth? Have I not even the faith of a child
that you would even acknowledge me? Am I truly too far gone; too far
lost? Oh God what will it take for you to find me again? Why is the
world so defeating me and all around me? Are we all too far gone?
Have you left us to evil?"
The Lord says with thundering calm, "Geoff, I am right here. I need
not find you, because I have never left you. Run as you might, stumble
though you may, you will never be out of my reach. Come what may, I
am. Go where you may, I am. Hide though you may, I am. I am.... I
am. Never will I leave you or forsake you. All you have to do is have
faith. The faith of a child."
I don't know what becomes of emotions like mine. I don't know what
choices and decisions I will make. Will anything change? How hard
will it be? Can I do it? No, I can't. Only God can.
'Shoot me first'.
Here's a link to Keith Green's song, Your love broke through
'over-emotion'. I cry at the smallest things; acts of kindness, sappy
commercials, stupid movies, touching songs. I have always had in my
personality the ability, or disability as the case may be, to empathize
with people in any given situation. The past week those traits have
taken their toll on me and I now feel completely and utterly battered
to the point of exhaustion. I feel I have come to my cross roads and a
choice will have to be made.
The schoolhouse shootings in a little Amish community in Nickle Mines,
PA has brought me to my knees. I have cried several times over the
events that took place last week in that quiet schoolhouse. I know now
what it is when pure evil assaults pure innocence. And lest you should
ever doubt the presence of evil, look no farther than the events of
that day. Hugo Chavez, the underwhelming leader of Venezuela, called
President Bush, 'the devil'. He wishes that were the case. I'm afraid
Mr. Chavez will one day get the opportunity of meeting said devil and
I'm sure he'll wonder what he was thinking. No, you see the devil went
to Nickle Mines, PA and assaulted the mind of Charles Roberts; a little
man.
I have no earthly comprehension of what it takes for a man to shoot 10
little girls, killing at least 5 of them. I have nothing in me that
can possibly relate to just how depraved a man has to get to be able to
look into the eyes of a small angel and pull the trigger. There is
nothing within my knowledge of this universe that will ever satisfy my
question as to how he could have planned to rape 10 little girls. When
I picture that scene I see this vile human in the presence of
innocence. I see pure darkness in him and around him. I can see
demons whispering taunts in his ear. 'Do it!' 'You're worthless!'
'Kill them!' 'Coward!' I can see a cloud of fire circling above that
schoolhouse as a battle in the spirit world takes place. Forces bent
on causing death, destruction and ultimate fear are everywhere. They
are rejoicing that this weak, little man is now in their clutches and
is about to terrorize and destroy 10 little angels. They see victory.
It is the ultimate picture of evil tormenting good.
Then something happens. In the midst of total fear and evil; of
darkness and sexual perversion, one of the angels speaks. Knowing now
what the intentions are of this little man, she says something that
will forever change me; and if it doesn't than I am truly
unchangeable. She looks evil in the eye and says without hesitation,
"Shoot me first." Shoot me first? What? This from the lips of a 13
year old angel? Surely see will beg for her life. Surely she will
offer the man whatever he wants just so she can live. What about her
parents and friends? What about all her dreams of making it in this
world. She has so much to live for. Fight! Run! But.... 'Shoot me
first'.
This causes evil to recoil a bit. There seems to be no panic among the
angels. This can't be. How can this be? She doesn't know what she's
saying. Any minute they will all be screaming to live. But then
there's another voice. 'Shoot me second'. The screech of every evil
principality can be heard. 'NO!' Yet another angel, one only 8 years
old has offered herself to the little man. It seems that evil has once
again underestimated true faith. It seems that evil has never
understood those who are true in their faith and in the comfort that
Jesus gives them. These two girls were willing to be shot first and
then second as to buy just a bit more time for the others. And shot
they were. Defeated? Destroyed? I think not. I think God knows that
those little angels showed more faith and courage than any preacher
I've seen on TV lately.
You would think that anyone rational would be so moved at this display
of faith and sacrifice that they would instantly put down their weapon
and repent. But not the little man. No, he proceeded to shoot all 10
girls. Then the little man said, 'Pray for me' and shot himself to
complete
his ultimate act of cowardliness. Would it be that I get one day off
my life to be
able to go into the pits of hell and deal angry blows to this little
man. Vengeance. Justice. To harm the hair on one of these little
angels..... Oh to see him punished
The God raises His hand to me and says, 'I got this one'.
But with the first shots fired at the first two girls, it seems that he
wasn't able to have the time to 'make sure' all the girls were dead by
the time to police began to break through the windows. Did their act
of faith and sacrifice save some of the others? I believe it did.
"Shoot me first"... I'll never forget those words.
I have come now to fully realize just how false my faith is. I would
scowl at anyone that would dare call me a follower of Christ.
Everything in my actions on a daily basis says nothing of my faith but
simply that I am as nominal as they come. I don't raise my children to
have this sort of courage in Christ. In many ways I weep because I
feel like I'm partly to blame for what led to the little man killing
these angels. I support violence by what I watch. I support sexual
perversion by what I watch. I support despair because I do nothing to
encourage those around me. In many ways, I am the shooter.... we all
are. I am a little man.
How long will we be ok with this? How long will we be fine with the
fact that our faith means nothing to anyone, not even to us? You see,
I believe that I could change lives. I think God has gifted me in
areas of ministry and yet I would rather make more money to buy more
crap and have more bills. You see the Amish are so close to what I
think we are supposed to actually be like. They truly live in the
world but they are not of the world. Do you know that they invited the
little man's family to the funerals of the girls as a way of saying,
'we love you. You are our family and we forgive you'. Do you know
that they went to the parents of the little man and stayed for an hour
and held them as they said, 'we forgive all'. Are you serious? Never
again will anyone mock the Amish in my presence. They are the real
deal and those like me are the lukewarm church that will be spewed out
by God.
As I sat on the train tonight I wept. I had to hide my face from my
engineer because I was just too overwhelmed. As I listened to a song
by Keith Green called 'Your love broke through' , I was having a
'dream-like' sequence with God. In my dream I was running and yelling
to God:
"How long will you search for me God? How long will you look for me in
the muck and the mire? With every choice of road, I leave the straight
and narrow and go my own way. Here I am, I am in the swamps of life.
Can you even see me for my filth? Have I not even the faith of a child
that you would even acknowledge me? Am I truly too far gone; too far
lost? Oh God what will it take for you to find me again? Why is the
world so defeating me and all around me? Are we all too far gone?
Have you left us to evil?"
The Lord says with thundering calm, "Geoff, I am right here. I need
not find you, because I have never left you. Run as you might, stumble
though you may, you will never be out of my reach. Come what may, I
am. Go where you may, I am. Hide though you may, I am. I am.... I
am. Never will I leave you or forsake you. All you have to do is have
faith. The faith of a child."
I don't know what becomes of emotions like mine. I don't know what
choices and decisions I will make. Will anything change? How hard
will it be? Can I do it? No, I can't. Only God can.
'Shoot me first'.
Here's a link to Keith Green's song, Your love broke through
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